Jlee’s Review – 50 Shades of Vanilla

My ass. Yes, I said it. My ass. I went to see 50 Shades of Grey today. I was expecting a Meh movie honestly. Yes, I read the book.

220px-50ShadesofGreyCoverArt

My friend had an extra ticket to the movie. Did I want to come? Well, why not? So I am at Hollywood Blvd. in Woodridge at 12:20 with a glass of Cabernet in hand. We were meeting some of my friend’s work friends who she described as “older but funny.”

I’m sitting at the bar sipping my Cab when I hear her walk in and yell “There’s my friend, already at the bar!” I walk up to meet these “older ladies” who are absolutely fascinating. Yes, I’ve already made plans with them to go see Magic Mike 2.

Oh. My. God.
Oh. My. God.

Friend and I sit down; I order Cab #2 and she orders popcorn which I selfishly dipped in on. As someone who read the book I wasn’t originally thrilled with the casting. In my eyes, Ana was definitely Rory from Gilmore Girls.

Alexis Bledel
Alexis Bledel

My original thought of Dakota Johnson was…Meh. Vanilla. Christian I wasn’t so set on, but Jamie Dornan just didn’t seem to do it for me.

Neither Did Charlie Hunnam
Neither Did Charlie Hunnam

I honestly went to this movie expecting it to Suckkkkk! I thought…it’s an afternoon show…I’m hanging out with my friend…I’ll have a glass of wine…and the rest is history.

Wow. I was wayyy wrong. I mean, the movie got bad reviews. I don’t know if I’m just easy to please or what but I give the movie a solid B+. It would have gotten an A- for sure if Jamie Dornan showed his dick, but sorry ladies, he doesn’t. Dakota Johnson shows A LOT, like a lot, like my friend and I were sitting there like “This girl needs a serious wax.”

50-shades-of-grey-_2985743k

We both thought Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan did a great job portraying the characters in the beloved 50 Shades of Grey book porn written by E.L. James. Who would have guessed that I would have gotten the female version of a woody at 2 in the afternoon?

Worth commenting on…a very explicit scene with a naked Ana and lots of Christian Grey’s “toys” had the man behind me asking for more “Ketchup, mustard and mayo.” Um…are you watching Christian Grey’s abs groin and asking for more mayo?????

Another funny scene was when Christian Grey picks up Ana in his helicopter and my friend leans over to me to remind me her Hubs drives a Ford Fusion. Um…

No, I think I'll take a helicopter.
No, I think I’ll take a helicopter.

With regards to nakedness…my friend described Dakota Johnson’s nipples as “pepperoni nipples” – I go “What does that mean?” and started wondering what my nipples look like.

Photo courtesy of theamazeblog.wordpress.com
Photo courtesy of theamazeblog.wordpress.com

There were several scenes in which we both were next to each other breathing deeply going Oh. My. God. And not in a lesbian way but more in a I need to go home and get laid kind of way. For the people who said it wasn’t sexual enough?

Well, gotta love Madonna’s take: I’m sorry but no one eats p—-  as the guy in that book. LOL

So back to Dakota Johnson. I think she did a great job as coming off as both a bit naïve and sexy all in one being she is a virgin at 22.

dakota-johnson-ana-steele-50-shades-of-grey-movie-fifty-shades

As for Jamie Dornan. I was super vanilla about him. Until I saw him in a suit. O.M.G. I was like “He is HOTTTT” to friend who replied, “Jen, where have you been?”

Jamie-Dornan
Jamie Dornan
Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey. Um..Hello.
Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey. Um..Hello.

I guess I’ve been stuck on Bradley Cooper who is superrrhot and gives an Oscar worthy appearance in The American Sniper. But I gotta say…once I got past the initial blah on the mis-casting I was quite enamored by the film.

Is it Oscar worthy? Seriously? Did you read the book? It’s not even New York Times worthy.

Is it 4-Stars? For a Skin-imax flick maybe.

But for a major motion picture? It’s as good as any and all chick flicks I’ve ever seen. Hot girl, hot guy, lots of butt and some major moaning…it’s enough for me to go home and consider pulling out my vibrator.