My first post back. Wow, like a little kid on the first day of school I’m nervous. Will they like me? Will they think I’m smart? Will they think I’m pretty?
6 months later I’m in a new place. I still consider myself fragile and a work-in-progress, but I am happy again. I feel blessed and hopeful. I feel joy.
6 months ago I didn’t care if I lived or died. 6 months ago I was in such a deep depression I didn’t ever think I would come out of it.
Post Partum Depression took over my entire life. Things were foggy. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t see straight. I was angry and ashamed. Why did this happen to ME? Couldn’t I just have a “normal” experience?
It’s taken a lot – and I mean A LOT – of hard work to get to where I am now at. And I am so proud of myself – so proud of my progress. I feel like my old self again; only a better version of my old self. More relaxed and mature…more stable and confident.
It’s taken extensive counseling, it’s taken an active interest in my well-being, and it’s taken time to get myself back on track.
Helping me has helped my family. I’m happy to report that my daughter, Eva, is doing wonderfully. I’ve even added her own page on my blog (see My Chiquita). She just turned one and is a walking machine. She is my true pride and joy. The Post Partum stole a lot from me – it stole my ability to love my daughter in the early months the way I wanted to. It’s not that I didn’t love her. It’s that I was so dead inside that I didn’t have the ability to love anyone.
I look back now and feel an overwhelming sense of sadness for the time that I missed with her. I was there, don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t there in the way that I am now. I wasn’t there for her with a sense of peace and happiness. I was a scared and depressed mommy. I was looking to run and hide. I kept thinking, “I don’t want to screw her up,” not really thinking that me NOT being there would screw her up.
I heard this saying a couple months back and it’s stuck with me: Mother is God in the eyes of a child.
WOW! I’ll say it again. Mother is God in the eyes of a child. What a truly remarkable way to look at yourself and your responsibility to your child. I love that. I love that my daughter looks to me as her God. I mean, it’s true. My own mother and I were at odds for many years, and I just remember missing her and wanting her in my life so badly. I remember the days of thinking, “I just want my mom,” like she would somehow make everything alright.
Mother is God in the eyes of a child – no matter what mistakes you make or don’t make – you are your child’s ultimate. Now if that’s not motivation to be the best you can be than I don’t know what is.
When I decided to cease writing my blog was when I truly decided to get the help that I needed. That’s the day that God was looking down on me. That’s when I recognized that I wasn’t getting well and needed help. I knew I needed to fight for myself.
I got new doctors and counselors, I got blood tests to check my hormone levels, I read up on Post Partum Depression, Manic Depression and Anxiety to see if taking vitamins and changing my diet could help me. I stopped drinking alcohol. I stopped my social life. I wrote in a journal. Day in and day out for 6 months I got up, went to work and came home to love my daughter. I told my husband I had to put him on hold. I needed time and space to process my feelings and emotions. I needed time and space to be the mother I knew I could be. I needed time and support to find love and happiness again.
And here I am now. I’m healthier, I’m stronger, I’m happier, and I’m thankful! I have a wonderful daughter. I have a supportive and loving husband who’s stuck by my side. I have my mom – my “God” – who has pushed me to fight for my life, and who has listened to my talk about my disappointments and my fears. I have friends who have remained my friends through thick and thin, who were there for me during those dark days when I couldn’t look beyond the misery. Wow, I am one lucky person.
So I’m going to open my heart and my mind again to my blog readers and friends. As you can see I’ve changed up my blog a bit. During this time of “new’s” I decided it was time for a new theme. Because JLEE’s Blog; If You Think I’m a B*tch So Be It didn’t really fit me. Because I do care if you think I’m a b*tch! I do want to be liked! I’m a nice girl who just happens to have a lot of thoughts and opinions and feelings. I’ve gone a bit crazy and off path, but I’ve managed to bring myself back to become the person that I want to be, and that I am meant to be. I hope you will still enjoy and read my blog.
Thanks for the love and support.