Why I [Sometimes] Wish I Was a Lesbian

We’ve all heard of the book by Dr. John Gray, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and while I’ve never actually read the entire book there are times when I look at my husband with such annoyance and aggravation that I think to myself: I wish I was a lesbian!

I’m sure lesbians have problems in their relationships, too, but I imagine that they at least ‘get’ each other, as opposed to men and women – like how my husband does things and I shake my head and think wtf are you doing? I don’t get how his brain works!

For one, why is it impossible for men to watch the children AND keep a clean house? I manage to do it, why can’t he?

I suppose I should explain where this vent is coming from, and thank goodness he doesn’t read my blog anymore because he would be pissed to know I blogged my frustrations about him for all to read, but seriously what else am I to do?

I could bitch and moan about it but it’s never going to change because he’s the way he is, and I’m the way I am. I nag him enough as it is, so some things I just need to let go. I’m not good at letting things go though and if it just eats at me I’ll be ready to seriously consider leaving him for a woman, because, for realz, what’s the point of leaving him for another man?

My husband is a great man. Let me give you the reasons.

- He puts up with me, and if you read Jlee’s Blog you might wonder how any man could put up with me, and I actually had a blog commenter say that once. She said my husband must be a saint to put up with me. LOL

- He puts up with four other women, besides me. That would be my two bonus daughters, our daughter (the Chiquita) and his ex-wife. That’s a lot of females for one poor dude to deal with. There are days he wants to run away from us all.

- He is very helpful with our daughter. He has never once said I can’t go meet a friend; he always encourages me to have time with my girls.

Isn’t this the most beautiful bag you’ve ever seen????

- He has never ever told me not to buy that pair of Jessica Simpson boots or Juicy Couture bag. When I told him last night that I found a Marc Jacobs bag at Nordstrom that I would love love love to buy he didn’t even freak out when I told him the bag costs $1,400! Yeah, I wish, and I’m pretty sure he knows I wouldn’t blow our hard-earned money on that, even if I’d love to. Having a child makes you so darn practical!

But, now on to what drives me to think of lesbianism.

- No sex is enough sex. It’s like they always want more. I can’t keep up. Even if we did it every single day he would then want it twice a day. I’m destined to fail.

- My idea of clean and his idea of clean are wayyyy different.  Like why do men let the dishes pile up in the sink? The dishes are much easier to wash right now than 48 hours later when the food is hard and crusty on the plate. And what’s with shavings on my bathroom sink?

- If he does manage to wash the dishes or clean up toys he needs a cheerleader. He’s so proud of himself. Look what I did! I want to roll my eyes and say I do that every single day! But, instead, like a good doting wife I say, “Oh my gosh, honey, I’m sooo lucky to have you. You are the best husband!”

Good work! Now go clean the house bitch!

This morning he did let me sleep in until 9 am – let me talk him up again – and when I got up a large iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts was waiting for me on the counter (he’s such a saint!), but I still couldn’t help but wonder if I was a lesbian and came home at 3:30 in the morning from a bachelorette party what could I expect of my Sunday morning?

- Would my wife let me sleep until noon?

- Would my wife have washed all the dishes and cleaned up the toys?

- Would my wife have put the Chiquita to sleep in her clothes?

- Would my wife have thrown the Chiquita at me after she woke me at 9 am and allowed me deal with cleaning the house, starting laundry, cleaning a poopy diaper, making all the beds?

- Would my wife have tried to hug me when she sensed my aggravation over the lack thereof work that was done yesterday in my absence?

- Would my wife have asked me how many women hit on me last night and wanted me to consistently replay the tale of the Guida with the cigarette breath hitting on me when I was so obviously not into the conversation?

- Which then brings me to wouldn’t the Guida have picked up on my ‘not interested’ signals and left me alone instead of continuing to try talk to me?

Snooki and JWoww – Secret Lovers?

It’s not that I’m wanting to leave my husband, or wanting become a lesbian, but I just wonder what my life would be like with a wife. I would think that it would be pretty cool to have a wife to handle day-to-day life but maybe I’m not giving men enough credit? Men have a lot of pressure to be the man of the house, the breadwinners,,,and other things I’m not privy to since I have a female brain.

Put the old ball-n-chain to work!

And as I finish writing this post right now Hubs is running upstairs to get the Chiquita up from her nap. Aww I really am one lucky girl to have him for my husband. :)

Now if only I could have a wife, too! ;)

What do you think readers?
Do you ever want a wife?
What do my men readers think, do you ever want a husband?

This post is dedicated with love to my husband and my soulmate, Brett. We really do make a great team, and I love you.

16 thoughts on “Why I [Sometimes] Wish I Was a Lesbian

  1. I just stumbled on this blog because I love Juicy Couture. It seems to me that your post has a lot more to do with traditional gender roles than sexual orientation. We have this belief in society that women act a certain way and men act a certain way. As a historian of gender and sexuality, I can tell you that, of course, all of that is complete BS–as is that horrible book that I had to read in high school. I seriously wanted to burn it when I was done. I don’t recommend it! Gender roles are a completely made-up thing that have no real connection to your sex. Secondly, I’m equally amused and annoyed by your misconceptions about lesbianism because I am a lesbian. Most amusing to me is your belief that men want sex more than women do…what makes you think lesbians don’t want to have sex all the time? And just because you are dating someone of the same sex does NOT mean you have their thoughts all figured out. Lesbianism is not a Vulcan mind meld. Our partners are distinct people who can be frustrating as your husband can be for you. People are just that..individuals. You can’t make a blanket assumption on how they’d act (even hypothetically). I guess that gets us back to the annoying gender roles. If your assumptions about gay women are based upon heterosexual ideas of gender, that’s why your post was so humorous to me. Reason number 135,000 why I love being gay? I don’t have to play by straight people’s rules.

    1. Hi Katie, thanks for writing. This piece was supposed to be facetious. I didn’t intend for it to be offensive, and I am sorry if it offended you. I’m glad you shared your thoughts. Have a great day. :)

  2. Hi Jlee,
    First off, I love your blog! I think your ‘get to know’ section is very clever. You seem like quite the interesting blogger…can’t wait to read more! Great writing style.

    I’m with you on this post. My husband-to-be doesn’t seem to be aware that there’s thing thing called the dishwasher that lives right next door to the sink. I’ve often found a knife smothered in peanut butter sitting by its lonesome in the sink, while the EMPTY dishwasher is just waiting to be filled with dishes and utensils. How freaking hard is it to open the damn dishwasher and drop the damn knife inside????

    1. Hi there! Thanks for the follow and comment!! :)

      Haha, I love your description of the lonesome knife smothered in peanut butter! My husband does the same thing! He gets up in the middle of the night, makes a peanut butter sandwich and then leaves the gross knife in the sink. I say ‘can’t you at least sprinkle some water on this???’ Ewww!!!! Haha too funny. :D

  3. what is up with the “trail of clothes” when I return from a night out w friends or hell, a WHOLE weekend away….it’s like I know where they were at what times based on the types of clothing dropped around the room. AND, he leaves the pee filled diaper outside of the bathtub when he baths Connor…ANNOYING! Just pick it up and put it in the diaper genie dammit! IF I can do it (8 1/2 months preggo) you can do it!!! What a funny post! ALL TRUE!

  4. Depends what kind of woman you find lol I refer to my boyfriend as the wife as I’m clearly the more”male” thinker. If I don’t have sex at least once daily I’m crabby. I get frustrated he is more emotional and doesn’t think logically on every subject. Granted there is that one week every month where I turn into a huge semi rational “girl”…At which point I would love a real wife who understood the insanity happening in my head. Point being…wife, husband…probably screwed either way.

  5. I love this blog jen, the girls and I that I work with always say and talk about how we would just love to have a wife just for one day, funny how u just posted this, I love this!!

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