What is the Matter with You?

Is what my mom asked me; more like scolded me. And it was actually more like this:  Jennifer! What. Is. The. Matter. With. You?

Yep, still getting it at 33-years-old.

But, I did deserve it.

It was another one of my “JUST STOP TALKING!!!!” moments, only it was more of a ‘You’re a grown woman why in the hell would you throw chuck a water balloon at your mother during your kid’s 2nd birthday party?’ At your mother’s back, even better.

Yes. Yes, I did this. I’ll explain.

The Sangria made me do it.

I really don’t know what came over me, but I’ve said before that my family is crazy. When I was a kid we would always play the water balloon toss game followed by the classic water balloon fight at family parties. We would laugh and joke and it was the funnest time. Some of my fondest memories of my childhood are playing with my aunts when I was a little kid.

For the Chiquita’s 2nd birthday almost the entire family was together. The family, I feel like, has worked hard to try to come together and overcome our differences. I was excited, and I wanted it to be perfect. This actually is one of my biggest struggles. I’m a perfectionist. I don’t like things done half-assed. If I’m going to do it, I’m going to go all out.

Sometimes this gets me in trouble. I don’t always think things through because I’m too busy seeing the finish line. I’m at ‘start’ and ‘finish’ but never at ‘during’. It’s a bad way to live, and I need to work on that, but we’ll save that for my therapy sessions.

So anyways, my aunt helps me fill the water balloons, and I excitedly gather the troops.

“Water balloon toss! Water balloon toss! Get your partner and meet out front!”

I’ve got kids, I’ve got older aunts/uncles…I’m super pumped. This is awesome! Just like the old days!!

My mom is being all fuddy duddy, “I’m not going to play.”

What?!?

Side note, when did mom’s get to be so lame anyways? I remember my mom never wanting to go water skiing or tubing when we were kids on our boat. We’d be soo excited and be like, “Mom, please!” and she would always say no and just lay in the boat with her sunglasses on. I’d say OK if she at least had a vodka in her hand, but my mom isn’t much of a drinker…which isn’t a bad thing if you read about some of my dalliances.

So my mom says she’s isn’t going to play and for some reason (Sangria?) it really annoys me. Like why not? Are you afraid to get wet? Come on! Don’t be so lame!

These thoughts all run through my head.

We play two games of controlled water balloon toss. By the way, I don’t want to brag, but in the 2nd game I was in the top 3 and did a dive catch to try to save my water balloon. In a dress no less. See, I’m A Cool Mom. ;)

And then the fight breaks out. People are chucking water balloons every which way. It’s chaos. My evil twin inside me thinks: This is it! This is your chance to get Mom.

I seriously don’t know what came over me. I picked up a water balloon, I walked to the back yard were the lame adults were sitting and then I completely chucked it at her. I’m talking I stopped, I wound up like I was pitching a baseball (complete with the leg up), and I threw the water balloon right at her back!

What. The. Fuck.

Even my bonus daughters were like, “Omg Jen! I can’t believe you just nailed your mom in the back!” while they walked away laughing.

I laughed for like a second and then I saw her face. And then I heard her voice. I heard the: “Jennifer! What is the matter with you?!?”

Uh-oh. Crap. It seemed a lot funnier in my head.

After my mom’s: “Jennifer! What is the matter with you?!?” I figured I had had my fair share of Sangria and dubbed the stuff ‘dangerous’.

The ‘dangerous’ Sangria

I was in major damage control – I drank tons of water and when my mom offered to cut the cake for me I was like, “I got it!” even though I totally wanted to hand it over to her.

I did apologize though my first apology was via text in which I said, ‘Sorry, I’m an asshole.’

For some reason I don’t think she appreciated that apology. I decided a more heartfelt apology was in order. When I saw her a couple days later I said to her, “Mom, I’m really sorry for throwing the water balloon at you.” Then after an uncomfortable chuckle, I said, “Seriously, I don’t know what came over me, it was that Sangria. That stuff was dangerous.”

She gave me a face. I nervously laughed some more. I said again that I really was sorry and appreciated all her help with the Chiquita’s party.

She said, “I wasn’t upset that you got me wet, I was actually more upset by the face that you made.”

I’ve been told before that I make some very serious and deadly facial expressions.

I laughed some more. I don’t think she appreciated all the laughing during this apology, but I was seriously very uncomfortable. Gosh, why don’t I just act like a normal person and not throw things at my mom!?!

Ugh!

In response to my face, I said, “Was it really mean or something?”

Now she laughed. Phew! “Evil! Your face looked evil!”

Now we’re both laughing, and I tell her I’m going to write a blog post about it. She rolls her eyes. I said, “We have to let other people get a kick out of this as much as we are, I mean, seriously, who throws a water balloon at their mom?”

Yeah, that would be me.

Don’t I ever learn to just stop? I need like a code word or something. Oh. I have that. Snooki. For realz, when I’m getting out of control I’m told I’m “Snookied” so I better “calm down.”

I guess I needed my bonus daughters behind me yelling “Jen! You’re Snookied! Don’t. Throw. The. Water. Balloon. !!!!!!!”

In slow-mo.

Only now I’m imagining myself as a caged bear breaking free and doing the whole “Arrrggghghhhhgghghg!” thing as I throw chuck the water balloon at my poor defenseless mom and that would have ended even worse. : /

“Hey man! You got a dart in your neck!”

So what did we all learn from this blog post? Don’t ever – ever, ever, ever – chuck a water balloon at your mom’s back while making an evil face during your two-year-olds birthday party.

Thank goodness you have me to tell you these things.

At least I can cross this off the bucket list. :P

Happy 2nd Birthday to the Chiquita!

4 thoughts on “What is the Matter with You?

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