I Owe It All To Poop

I recently signed up for LinkedIn at the insistence of my writing coach. I feel so professional saying that…my writing coach. I’ve gotten very serious about selling my manuscript, Concrete Boots. Read the excerpt here. Writing Coach thought LinkedIn would give me more exposure. I figured what do I have to lose?

Within two weeks of being on LinkedIn I was contacted by a reporter for Businessweek in New York. I know, omg, right?! She said she wanted to interview me for a bathroom story because she had read my post Let’s Talk Bathroom Etiquette and thought it was “hilarious”.

I immediately responded grateful for the opportunity. My brain started spinning out of control…omg, this is IT. This is my break. People are going to read my writing and think it’s great, and I am going to be the next J.K. Rowling. I will be BFF with Giuliana Rancic. My book will be turned into a great movie, like The Devil Wears Prada. I will be invited to the Oscars when Katie Holmes wins Best Actress for playing ME in Concrete Boots. (PS. Once before I mentioned Jennifer Love Hewitt, but now I’m thinking Katie Holmes…totally).

Umm..yeah I totally look like Kate

O-M-G. So exciting.

Then…

The balloon deflates. The air slowly whistles out……..

I’ll let the conversation speak for itself:

—–Original Message—–
From: Venessa Wong (BLOOMBERG/ 731 LEXIN)
Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 2:21 PM
To: jlee5879@live.com
Subject: Urgent Businessweek inquiry, One of your blog posts

Hi JLee,
I am a reporter for Businessweek in New York. I saw one of your blog posts
and was wondering if this was yours:
http://jleesblog.com/2012/04/05/lets-talk-bathroom-etiquette-repepepepepeat/
It’s hilarious and I am looking for funny stories about bathroom etiquette
in the office for an article. Let me know if this is something I can
interview you about!

Sincerely,
Venessa

I’m going to be interviewed!!! Ohmigosh, who will style me for the Oscars? Stella McCartney?

This is gorge! Guipure Lace Celia Dress $5,145

We trade some emails back and forth and here is what I send:

—– Original Message —–
From: jlee5879@live.com
To: VENESSA WONG (BLOOMBERG/ 731 LEXIN)
At: Sep 4 2012 16:52:01

Here is a bathroom story. I hope this works:

I’m shocked that in this day and age there are people who actually don’t wash their hands openly in front of other people like it’s normal. Now I see why my bonus daughters refuse to touch the bathroom door. I always think they are being a little dramatic. But, much to my surprise I recently heard someone in my office building (cue dramatics) not wash their hands!

How it went down was I was ‘The Pooper‘ so I was settled in catching up on Twitter (follow me @jlee5879blogger) as I often do when I’m attending to my business and ‘The Tortoise and the Hare’ dashes into the bathroom stall for their marathon pee. We’re talking running into the stall and slamming the door shut.

Side note, this is a HUGE pet peeve for me. Do you really need to slam the door shut so that the entire bathroom barricade shakes for us all? The screws are half sticking out after all. One day it is going to fall apart, and if you catch me with my pants down I can tell you our future interactions will be very awkward.

But, back to ‘The Tortoise and the Hare‘ – the marathon pee session consists of a few dribbles followed by a flush (the ‘Flush n Run’); did you even wipe because I’m quite certain that you did not since I didn’t hear our ginormous
commercial toilet paper roll creaking as you grab for TP? And then the run.

O.M.G. As God is my witness here I sit updating Twitter and a ‘Flush n Runner’ has actually left the bathroom without washing their hands. This is unbelievable. I sit there in a complete state of shock. What do I do about this? Do I tweet this? Do I make a sign to hang up in the bathroom? Who could this have been? I’ve got to get to the bottom of this! We the People deserve to know!

As I finish my own business and wash my hands I scrub them extra hard, like that is somehow going to make up for the Mad-dashers lack of bathroom etiquette. I think to myself that I absolutely cannot believe that a grown
woman would not wash her hands after going to the bathroom. That is beyond disgusting. I don’t even like having to use hand sanitizer in a porter potty, and now, here, right in front of you, you have soap. You have water. You have paper towels. This isn’t the dark ages! What is going on?

I’m simply baffled and asking God to give me a response here. Please, explain it to me so I can understand this alternate universe. As I dried my hands and tossed the towel into the trash I remembered I needed a buffer to open the bathroom door with. Obvs the ‘Flush n Runners’ pee-infested hand is all over the bathroom door handle, and I can just imagine the tiny little bugs crawling on the door with hopes of grasping onto my sweet smelling skin with desperation. Even they don’t want to be on that dirty handle.

I grab a new paper towel to open the door with. As I open the door I’m face-to-face with a fellow office worker from down the hall.

Startled, I collect my thoughts and say hello.

“Hi!” She responds, “I left my key in the bathroom!”

O.M.G. And I’m standing face-to-face with the non-hand-washer. Here is your answer God tells me. And to this day every single time I see or speak to her I remember that she doesn’t wash her hands in the ladies room. And then I
throw up in my mouth.

Some other emails go back and forth…did I tweet about the incident? No. Do I talk on the phone in the bathroom? No. I only Tweet in the bathroom!

I patiently wait for the finished piece that is going to change my life…make me the next big thing. :)

—–Original Message—–

From: Venessa Wong (BLOOMBERG/ 731 LEXIN)
Sent: Wednesday, September 05, 2012 2:18 PM
To: jenniferbodoh@live.com

Subject: Re: Urgent Businessweek inquiry, One of your blog posts

Hi Jennifer. Here’s a link. Thanks again for sharing your story! It was hilarious.

http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2012-09-05/trend-watch-fewer-co-workers-are-washing-their-hands#r=hp-ls

THIS IS IT!

Check out the article.

Disappointed?

Did I oversell?

I suppose I did. I oversold it to myself…this gold Stella McCartney bag with my dress at the Oscars. Maybe Prince Harry as my date? (PS. I’m currently obsessed with Prince Harry. It was the nude pics, I’ll admit it).

Pembridge Gold Braided Faux Vacchetta Clutch $830

BUT, here are my thoughts. She found ME. She read my post. She sought me out for an interview. These are all great things. Its baby steps, my friends, baby steps. I just wish I was taking my baby steps in these fab shoes!

Jimmy Choo Balfour Ankle Boot $1,295

14 thoughts on “I Owe It All To Poop

  1. This is too funny! I think the same way when I’m in the bathroom—don’t want to touch anyone who hasn’t washed their hands. Even worse when you’re in a restaurant and see the person return to their table and eat like it’s no big deal!!! And congrats on the article! Reporters do have a way of twisting the words but she DID find you, so who knows what’s next? It’s still great exposure!

  2. HAHAHA! I had my heart in my mouth for you! I’m sorry it didn’t pan out the way it SHOULD have. But way to go all the same! I’m very impressed – you’ve inspired me! I’m going to get myself LinkedIn too :)

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