Something Hit Me

Something hit me. It’s about wanting to have my life a certain way and struggling with the fact that it isn’t. I’m sure it’s my perfectionist nature, but it’s also the fact that I’ve come out on the other side of a painful divorce learning many lessons and wanting to do things “right” this time and being so afraid that I won’t do them right, because, I don’t know, with me I’m destined to fail right?

Why do I think this way?

I know I’m a smart and loyal and conscientious person. I know that I’m caring – God I’m so empathetic I can find myself distraught over someone else’s problems. Wanting to “fix” their issues – or maybe it’s a distraction from fixing me?

I think I am fixed though? I feel fixed. I feel a strong sense of self-awareness and a calmness that I didn’t have in my 20s now that I’m mid-30s and have approached yet another birthday.

I guess where my true struggles lie is in is the expectations I have for my life. You always hear people saying “This is the only life you have so live it”. You know, you’ve got one shot. I’ve spent the last three years watching my friends move forward in life. Buying and selling houses, having more children, going on vacations … and then there’s me. What do I have to show for the last three years besides a divorce and a hell of a lot of debt?

I guess I find myself thinking, “Why can’t my life be this way? Why couldn’t I have done it right the first time?”

That’s not to say I regret my marriage because not only did my marriage give me the greatest gift of all – my daughter – but it taught me a lot of growth and patience and love that I didn’t have from growing up in a crazy Italian family that likes to yell and disown people.

I guess that same situation happened to me in a sense in my marriage but that’s not something I can share. I can only reflect on it and wish things had turned out differently.

I made the best decision for my family I could with the information I had in front of me. I’m proud of my decision and proud of the way I went through my divorce respectfully with my head high. That doesn’t mean I still don’t struggle with a sense of failure. And I definitely struggle with loss. The loss of a marriage, a family, a friend.

Now that it’s over I guess I thought life would magically be great. It’s not that it’s not great; there are just still a lot of growing pains and struggles I didn’t anticipate. I’m trying to be gracious and accepting of myself and allow myself this time to be raw and hurting. Hopefully soon I will feel whole again.