Tag Archives: Bad Mom

Embracing Change

23 May

I laid in bed at 3 am thinking about this post and wondering exactly what I was going to share. I wanted the post to be upbeat because I went to bed telling myself I was turning over a new leaf, making some much-needed changes after the last month caused my life to spiral out of control.

I already have some big changes on the horizon. I hate change. I’m not sure that anyone really loves change, but I truly despise change. Change gives me anxiety. I need things to just mosey on along…it’s not to say that I’m boring…I just can’t deal with a lot of uncertainty.

I like my routine. Sure I kick back on the weekends, but I’m kicking back with my family and my friends and in my home in the town I grew up in. Let’s just say I’m not usually a fly by the seat of my pants type of girl…in Mexico with cocktails maybe.

Yesterday I got the rug pulled out from under me in a change I never saw coming. I had an inkling something was going on, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. When I was given the news I can tell you I never in a million years expected to hear the words I heard.

I would have believed his words … “by the way I’m pregnant” … or gay … or in love with you before I would have ever expected what I actually heard.

I was completely shocked.
I was hurt.
I was angry.

Between these two life-altering changes I sat stunned thinking how life as I know it would never be the same. My world was falling apart in front of my very eyes.

And then I burst into tears.
I had a breakdown.
A complete breakdown.

I needed to escape. With black mascara running down my face and red swollen eyes I escaped the only way I know how. I mean other than running off to Vegas to perform in Peep Show, like I once said here.

Bridesmaids Wiig

I escaped to the bottle. I drank and drank and watched Bridesmaids and drank some more and tweeted a bunch of ridiculous crap including telling Donald Trump that just the name Anthony Weiner alone makes me laugh.

Photo courtesy of blog.theregularguynyc.com

Photo courtesy of blog.theregularguynyc.com

Thankfully before pulling an Amanda Bynes I passed out but not before telling my therapist that Botox would fix everything.

Photo courtesy of usmagazine.com

Photo courtesy of usmagazine.com

I’m not sure if I thought I would wake up and life would have magically returned to the way it was before, a month ago, when I was happy and calm and life was good.

Instead I just woke up with ass breath and a headache. My insides still ached as much as before.

I decided on a long walk thinking the sunlight and breezy air may calm my heightened anxiety. And I lost it again. I felt lost myself despite having walked this path so many times.

I walked to the train station and sat to watch the trains pass by. I thought about the passengers on those trains. Were they happy? Sad? Were they lost like me?

For two seconds I felt this urge to jump in front of the train. As it drove by big and loud and windy I thought ‘what if I actually jumped?’

I think I felt God there with me. Despite feeling abandoned by Him I felt his hand on my shoulder; watching me, calming me.

I started to scold myself – sure your life is completely falling apart, sure it will never be the same, but there is one person who will fall apart without you. My kid. It is my job to protect her and keep her safe. I can’t have this kid growing up thinking I wasn’t strong enough and brave enough and that I left her.

Get it together! I yelled at myself in my head. No, I wasn’t a crazy bum sitting at the train station yelling at myself though I’m sure I looked the part.

courteney-cox-big-joeIt’s a PMDD week so certainly all my feelings are exasperated this week, and I am struggling to deal with feelings of loss, abandonment, uncertainty and fear. For the last month I’ve been using Cabernet as a coping mechanism. I was like, Oh, it’s OK, that’s what Brandi Glanville did. #celebrityadvice

Obviously it hasn’t helped.

I finished my long walk thinking about some changes I need to make:

1. Focus on Eva
2. Be nice to myself
3. Continue running
4. Stop the negative thinking
5. Stop drinking (for now)*

I’m strong, independent and perfectly capable of getting through the hard times with hopes of good on the other side. And even though I’m not capable – right now – of seeing the bigger picture I don’t need to drown myself in red wine (for now)*.

God is strengthening me, and I don’t know why, but there is a why and I will continue to believe. I have put my faith in God because that’s all I have left.

*Don’t worry, I’m not going all sober on you guys…just for now while I get through some tough times ahead. I promise there will be more drinking and tweeting. :D

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No Soup For You

11 Feb

My husband is not the soup Nazi but rather has become the baby Nazi. It began with me getting pregnant with the Chiquita. Even back then he questioned my ability to parent.

The Post Partum Depression only confirmed his fears that I ‘couldn’t handle it’. I think when PPD is talked about (which is too little in my opinion except when they throw a bunch of paperwork at you after your delivery…too bad when I actually said ‘Yes, I have PPD, now please help me’ they put their arms up in question like …now what do we do?) the focus remains – rightfully so – on the mother.

But, in my experience, the fathers are completely forgotten about. My poor husband not only had to deal with taking care of the Chiquita on the days I simply couldn’t do it but also had to wonder every day if I would actually come home from work. Many-a-days I told him I was going to drive into a concrete barrier.

I don’t even think some of my friends know the depths of the depression I was drowning from. I sheltered everyone. Yes, I said I had Post Partum Depression.  Yes, people knew that I had suffered from depression/anxiety since my teen years thanks to PMDD. But, the fact that I hated being a mother as much as I did had to be a secret. The fact that I prayed every night for God to take me in my sleep I couldn’t tell people. No one would understand.

I remember after I had the Chiquita I was like why do people have kids? Seriously. I couldn’t believe that anyone in their right mind would have more than one child. I felt like all the friends and celebrities who said how great being a mother was were lying. Like it was some big scam.

My husband tried to be supportive but my erratic behavior frightened him. I honestly don’t know if he questioned whether I would hurt our baby. I wouldn’t have and I never did.

I remember one time he was sitting in the dentist’s chair yanking the bib off during a cleaning saying he had to get out of there…trying to explain that his wife had Post Partum Depression and was home with the Chiquita…and that he didn’t know what I was going to do.

I had called him sobbing. He had been at work all day and then went to the dentist immediately after. I was on maternity leave and was still recovering from my near-death experience and was dealing with a sick infant (the Chiquita had gotten very sick on bad formula, but we didn’t know so had continued to feed it to her. Eventually we had to get X-rays done…this was all more than I could bear) who had spent the last six hours screaming. I thought I was going to lose it.

I put her in her bedroom and shut the door. She screamed and screamed and screamed. I was losing my mind. I was sobbing. I wanted to die. I called him in a complete panic and he raced home ….

Fast Forward.

Those devastating times are behind us. If you’ve been reading you know that I hit rock-bottom in February 2011. Yes, I admitted to and reached out for help for PPD in as early as September 2010 (two months after the birth of the Chiquita). But, because I wasn’t getting proper treatment my downward spiral continued until February 2011.

At that point I knew it was do or die. I fired all my doctors. I quit writing my blog. I quit drinking alcohol. I started intense therapy. I turned it around because I knew I would lose it all if I kept it up. It was terrifying. It was six months of recovery. Well, that’s an understatement. I’m still recovering to this day, but it was six months of Britney Spears head shaving therapy.

And here I am. I tell you my story because it helps me to forgive. Forgive who? I’m not sure. All I know is for a long time I was really angry. Why? Why did this happen to me?

I don’t know why.

A couple of months ago I started to yearn for another baby. People have asked me time and time again about Baby #2, and my response was this, which is still one of my top-rated posts. I really like this post as well ~ and I still agree with it. Nothing has changed…my husband is still old, my family is still complete, I’m still blessed with an amazing kiddo.

But now I wonder about trying it again. I feel like it would be different. I have a great team of doctors and therapists behind me. I’ve done it before so the whole ‘unknown’ no longer applies. I’m mentally better than I’ve ever been.

I didn't know how lucky I was because I was sick

I didn’t know how lucky I was because I was sick

I was truly robbed of the first few months of my daughter’s life. I was there physically for it all, but mentally, I was not. My brain was in trauma so I’ve actually blocked a lot of things out. I can’t recall many things, and I ache for that time back. I look at pictures, and I cry. I see mothers with their infants, and I feel so deprived.

I approached my doctor about it, almost expecting her to say it was a bad idea. My old doctor had suggested that I not have another child due to all my complications, both physically and mentally. My new doctor – who I love – was excited, supportive and very encouraging. She said that in her experience PPD is not nearly as bad the second time around. She would help me every step of the way and we would be proactive in my treatment.

I went home and told my husband. He said, “If you want to have another baby we can have another baby!”

Many of my friends and cousins are on babies #2 and #3 and here’s me still with one. Not that I’m looking to compete or feel like something is wrong with me, but it’s more that I’ve just officially moved into this next chapter of my life whereas right after the Chiquita was born many of my friends were still without child…and going out and doing all the things I used to do and was longing to do in my depressive state.

Life is completely different now. Life is no longer manicures and bars. It is going to bed at ten o’clock and watching The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. And you know what? That’s fine!

But then a few weeks later on a hard parenting day (those do happen!) he said, “There’s no way we’re having another baby.”

I started fighting with him about it but then left it alone for a while.

I brought it back up this weekend. He looked nervous and uncomfortable. He said that he doesn’t want to have another baby.

I felt hurt and betrayed – he said he wanted another one. What happened?

Was it because I got angry with the Chiquita for hitting me with Mr. Bear and yelled, “If you hit me with him again I’ll cut off his arm!” to which Hubs said, “Hey now…geez…that’s a little Mommy Dearest…”

Mommie_Dearest

Oops, it is?

He must think I’m a bad mother. He’s told me before he sees me get flustered sometimes. I do yell a lot – Italians are yellers. We always agree that we like it two against one.

But why? Why was it yes and now no?

“I can’t go through it again,” he said, suddenly, with my persistence to answer me. He looked into my eyes and said, “The Post Partum. I just can’t do it again. I can’t risk it.”

I wanted to cry but said nothing. What’s there to say? That night I cried in bed after he fell asleep. What am I supposed to do? I’m supposed to support my husband. We are a team. We tell each other the good, the bad and the ugly.

Yes, this is ugly. Yes, this hurts. But I respect his opinion, and I’m going to choose to thank God every day for the Chiquita and will continue to enjoy all the beautiful bundles of joy around me. Not everyone is meant to be a mother. I’d hate to think that I’m not meant to be a mother, but in this case, I think one is truly a blessing.

My blessing

My blessing

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Jlee’s Review – Prosecuting Casey Anthony

20 Jan

Our favorite Brat-packer starred in the Lifetime Original Movie Prosecuting Casey Anthony, which premiered on Saturday, January 19, 2013. I sat down to watch this movie thinking it would really entice me because 1. I am interested in Casey Anthony’s bazaar and mysterious story and 2. I was excited that Rob Lowe was to be acting in another Lifetime docudrama. If you recall, Rob Lowe also played our favorite narcissistic big dicked cop, Drew Peterson, in Lifetime’s Drew Peterson: Untouchable.

While part of the Drew Peterson movie was laughable, it was at least interesting. Prosecuting Casey Anthony was a snooze fest at best. I felt that Rob Lowe’s lackluster performance was missing the heart that I expected to see; his character felt cold and clinical…or maybe that’s how prosecutor Jeff Ashton is in real life.

My husband said, “I wonder if his wife is really that hot or if they just picked a hot chick for the sake of the movie.” Hmm, let’s research.

PX00223_91-300x185

I don't see the resemblance...

I don’t see the resemblance…

He did write a best-selling book titled Imperfect Justice: Prosecuting Casey Anthony, upon which this movie is based. I haven’t yet read it, but one review (found on Amazon) says: I would absolutely say this is a must read if you are at all still interested in this case.

Just wondering, has anyone else read it?

One performance I did enjoy was that of character actor – and Chicago native! - Kevin Dunn. His performance drew me in – I wanted to sob with him and give him a big hug despite always questioning how George Anthony could remain so calm in court when accusations of molesting his daughter arose.

If I ever made up some bullshit like that [not that I'm saying she made it up] – my dad would have jumped off his seat and beat my ass inside that courtroom. And yes, even at 22 years old.

caseyanthony-KevinDunn-jpg_003419

Also starring in this movie – which I was pleasantly surprised about – is The Office star Oscar Nunez. Nunez stars as Casey Anthony’s attorney Jose Baez. I love this dude, but unfortunately while watching a supposedly inexperienced attorney win a murder case I couldn’t help recalling this disturbing movie clip:

oscarnunezpic

Sadly I find Lifetime movies starring Tori Spelling to be more entertaining, but as I’ve said before any Lifetime movie is a good one to watch while scarfing down McDonald’s and nursing a hangover on the couch.

One surprise I wasn’t aware of: Casey Anthony posted a video diary of herself in January 2012???

Umm...for realz???

Umm…for realz???

So strange and had me thinking of Nancy Grace’s famous quote on the controversial verdict:

“The devil is dancing tonight.”

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Repepepepepeat…..#1: Bad Mom Hates Santa

1 Dec

Being that it is December 1st I wanted to wish my readers a happy holiday season! I’d like you to know that I was ahead of the game this year and have already gotten the Chiquita’s picture taken with Santa! She was very afraid of “Ho-Ho” and didn’t want to get her picture taken with him unless Daddy and Mama were in the picture.

Enjoy our 2012 Santa picture and a repepepepepeat of my very first Bad Mom post from last Christmas when we attempted to get a picture taken with Santa at Bass Pro Shop. What a nightmare that was! Wishing you many blessings this Christmas!

Eva Santa

—————————–

Does it make me a bad mom if:  I’m muttering “Thank God we only have 9 more years of this Santa sh*t” as we leave Bass Pro Shop without a picture with Santa.

Santa: "At least you don't have smelly crying kids sitting on YOUR lap!"

Santa: “At least you don’t have smelly crying kids sitting on YOUR lap!”

Let me start off by saying I completely blame Bass Pro Shop for this ordeal.  I will never – and I mean never EVER – go to Bass Pro Shop again.  I don’t care that they’ve somehow managed to get the Santa Claus to come down from the North Pole.

We walk in, and I feel completely out of place.  This is worse than being dragged to The Home DePot!

For 1:  I almost barf while showing the Chiquita the enormous fish tank.  Those big nasty fish swimming around the tank are completely disgusting.  Torturing me would be throwing me into that tank.  I would literally have a heart attack.

I have a huge fear of fish – dead or alive.  I know it’s weird, and I have no idea where this came from.  I actually have nightmares about flying piranhas chasing me and backing me into a corner and then I wake up in a cold sweat.  It’s frightening.  A couple times I’ve even woken up crying.

For 2:  My husband insisted we go look at the firearms located on the 2nd level.  “Look,” he says, “There’s even a pink one!”

As if that’s a selling point on how I can somehow “fit in” at Bass Pro Shop.  Sorry, honey, it’s never gonna happen.

I said, “There’s a reason they don’t let people like me own firearms,” which in hindsight is quite hilarious because on our drive home 3 short hours later, I remember thinking that if I had a pink firearm I would have blown his brains out.

So it all started with me promising the Chiquita that we would go see Santa that Saturday.  Now I see why parents don’t promise things to their children.  You just never know what might happen.

What’s weird is the Chiquita is 17 months old but she already knows who Santa is.  I don’t think she understands the concept of Santa bringing presents, but I’ve already started telling her she better behave or Santa won’t come.  That always stops her dead in her tracks.  The Santa threat is pretty powerful, and I’m sort of sad I won’t be able to use it anymore in 3 days.  I’ll have to go back to telling her I’m going to sell her to the gypsies, I guess.

Anyways, two and a half hours later we are driving to Bass Pro Shop, which is about 20 minutes from our house.  My friend called my cell to tell me that she was there with her three kiddos and it was a madhouse.  She wanted to prepare me.  She knows I hate crowds and ugly people.

She explained they were passing out “time tickets” because of the amount of people, so you go there, get your time, and then come back to get your picture with Santa.

Fair enough – I’m a reasonable person.  We get our time and leave to do some Christmas shopping.  We arrive back at 3:40 pm to get in line for our 4 pm picture. (They told us we could start lining up at 3:45 pm).

We can tell we’re starting to lose the Chiquita, but we’re desperately trying to push through.  This kid will see Santa today because I promised!

The line is extremely long.  I look at my watch – 3:45 pm.  What is going on?  How could so many people be in line already?

“Are you here for the 4 pm time?” I ask the woman in front of me.

She nods.

My patience is starting to wear very thin…

A Bass Pro Shop employee spots my time ticket (apparently they are different colors) and says, “You’re here for the 4 pm picture?”

“Yes,” I respond.

“Ohh…you’re supposed to be in this line over here,” she tells us.  She points to another, not as long, but still long enough, line.

Wtf is this?  Are you joking me?

I look at the associate, take a deep breath and move over to the 4 pm line.

My husband and I are standing in the 4 pm line, Chiquita is starting to whine (poor kid is a trooper; she hadn’t had a diaper change since like noon), 3 kids about take me out running through the crowd (umm…where are your parents…oh probably in line), and I realize after standing there for 15 minutes – with the 3:30 line barely moving – that between my anxiety and my bad temper I need to get the f*ck out of here.  Right now.

I say to my husband, “This is ridiculous!  We’re leaving.  I’m not standing in this f*cking line one second longer.”

And I don’t think I was quiet about it.  Or nice about it.  I continue on, “These people are dumb to wait in this long line” as I grab the Chiquita and drag her out of there.

I realize this is not setting a great example for my daughter (nor was it being very nice in general), but, you do realize I would have been standing in that line for at least 90 minutes right?  So why didn’t you [Bass Pro Shop] give me a time ticket for a picture at 5:30 pm?

Here’s my beef – If you’re going to hand out time tickets for people to come back for a specific picture time you need to better anticipate the amount of time per family to take a photo plus any breaks for Santa.  Instead of handing out, say, 100 tickets maybe you only hand out 50.  It’s common sense, really.  You have people dealing with very small children who have very small attention spans!

And I’m not implying that I should have gotten my picture taken at 4:01 pm, but let’s be somewhat close to the time you gave me, like within 20 minutes!

Maybe this is just another silly Jlee rant; as even my mom looked at me like I am a complete spaz when I tried to explain the day to her.  But, sorry I’m not sorry if I’m the only one who thinks waiting 90+ minutes for a picture with Santa – when my child may or may not be crying – is ridiculous.  And sorry I’m not sorry that I feel management should have better managed people’s expectations.

All this waiting for a picture that might turn out like this….

I know some people had very good experiences at Bass Pro Shop, and to that, I say how wonderful for you.  But, for me, I will never go there again.  Not that I shop there anyways.

And we ended up getting a nice enough free picture with Santa the next day and with no wait in our neighborhood.  It’s not like the Chiquita knows the difference or really gave a sh*t so as far as I’m concerned that’s #winning. :)

The Chiquita finally got her picture with Santa. It may not be as beautiful as Bass Pro Shop, but I’m pretty sure she’ll be fine with it.

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All Hail the Paci Fairy

29 Nov

With the Chiquita coming up on two and a half we decided it was time to lose the paci. Unfortunately she wasn’t having it. She wasn’t having one second of it. In fact, she started throwing these terrible fits in order to have her paci. When I asked to take her paci from her she’d take one last suck like she was taking a drag on a cigarette.

“This is an addiction!” I exclaimed.

We had planned to break her of it over Christmas break as my husband and I are both off work over the holidays. It was getting so bad though – she literally threw herself on the floor in a blind rage screaming “Paci!!!!” like I was the evil stepmother taking away her glass slipper – that I said to Hubs, “Enough is enough. This kid is more addicted to this paci then my Uncle Frank is to Heroin.”

We decided that was it. Time to go cold turkey.

Well, first after this crazy outburst I looked at the kid and screamed, “Get up right now or I’ll throw that paci in the garbage and you’ll never see it ever again!”

I have to say she did get her little ass off the floor pretty fast and wiped those big crocodile tears from her red eyes. She knows when Mama is ready to lose her shit.

Like a band-aid we decided we just needed to rip it off in one quick tear. That’s it. No more paci.

I was prepared for the kid to freak. I anticipated a really bad weekend and even invested in booze for the occasion.

And then the Paci Fairy was born. We had kicked around the idea of Santa taking the Chiquita’s paci to give to another little boy or girl in need and she kept saying, “Ho-Ho paci, no.”

Afraid that she would end up hating Santa as I do, remember the birth of Bad Mom, and knowing we couldn’t wait that long I checked out the Circle of Moms website and saw that other mothers were enlisting the help of the Paci Fairy. Much like the Tooth Fairy takes your tooth and leaves you money – change when I was a kid, but $5 bills now from some of my friends? – the Paci Fairy takes your paci and leaves you a present….

A really cool present that the Chiquita had been asking for FOR MONTHS!

Friday night when the Chiquita fell fast asleep Hubs and I tip-toed into her room to confiscate paci expecting it had fallen from her mouth. Nope. Paci was safely inside the Chiquita’s mouth. We looked at each other. Do we pull it out? What do we do? It was getting late, and I knew I wasn’t going to make it much longer. The second I got into bed and started reading US Weekly I would pass out.

I whispered, “You gotta take it!”

He whispered, “I don’t know if I can do it!”

“Just do it, rip the band-aid off!” I yelled in a whisper, desperate for this madness to end.

He gently grabbed the paci from her little lips and pulled it free.

We stood there holding our breath.

She took a deep breath and then made a sucking motion with her little mouth.

“Ohhh!” we mouthed and smiled at each other. We did it!

The next morning Hubs was at work when I woke up with the Chiquita. She said, “Mama, paci?” and motioned her hands ‘what the heck’. She had torn apart her bed looking for it.

I picked up the present and said, “Oh my gosh! Look! The Paci Fairy came!”

She looked confused. I had set her up for this a few days prior…the Paci Fairy comes, the Paci Fairy will give your paci to another baby who needs one, the Paci Fairy will give you a cool present…

“Cool!” She had responded until she realized the Paci Fairy takes her paci. Then she said no, she didn’t want the present.

When she opened the present she yelled, “DREAM LITES!!!!”

You can imagine my aggravation when I couldn’t unscrew the back battery compartment because first I couldn’t find a screwdriver; then I couldn’t find the right screwdriver. Meanwhile I have a 2-year-old bouncing around me begging for the Dream Lites.  I ended up having to use the plug until Hubs got home and handled the man duty of unscrewing the back cover.

I was shocked that the Chiquita only asked for paci a handful of times over the weekend. I would nicely remind her that the Paci Fairy gave her Dream Lites and did she want to give Dream Lites back? When she responded ‘yes, paci’ I chose another approach.

“You are a BIG girl, and you helped a baby today by giving her your paci! I’m so proud of you! Let’s play with your Dream Lites!”

“OK Mama!”

Wow, maybe I’m actually doing some things right. :)

Enjoy some pics:

“This is cool!”

This is what was left for the Chiquita from the Paci Fairy.

The Paci Fairy even left a letter!

Still loving Dream Lites!

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#10: Does It Make Me a Bad Mom If – I Don’t Run and Hug My Child When She Falls

27 Sep

I haven’t had a bad mom story for a while. I’ve actually been quite a good mom lately. I’m not saying this to brag, there have certainly been moments along the way.

One of those moments was this summer when the Chiquita was sitting in my low-to-the-ground beach chair. We were watching Hubs wash his car and enjoying the warm sunshine when the Chiquita insisted on climbing up onto my lap.

“Do you want to sit?” I asked her.

She nods.

“Okay. I’ll go get another chair.”

I got another chair and set it next to mine. I scootch her out of my chair and say, “There. Go sit in your chair.”

I had gotten her the exact same chair. I suppose I could have just sat in the empty chair but I was trying to make a point. That being kids move for adults.

So she’s playing in the chair now. Like bouncing around and getting up and down.

“Stop playing in the chair,” I tell her.

She looks at me and laughs while she continues to bounce around and eat her Goldfish. She also continues to play in the chair.

“Stop playing in the chair, Eva.” I say again, this time with the mom tone. “You’re going to fall!”

Not even one minute later she falls backwards in the chair, the Goldfish falling out of her cup and are now all over her face and chest as she lays backwards in the chair that now lays on its back in the grass with her legs straight up.

The Chiquita’s face looked almost the same as Kim K. except Chiquita also was covered in goldfish. Can you see why I laughed??

I looked at her, and as God is my witness I burst out laughing. I couldn’t stop laughing. There was a wet Goldfish stuck to her cheek. Her mouth was wide open.

I don’t think she could believe I was laughing at her.

I composed myself and yelled, “See! That’s why I told you not to play in the chair!”

Then I set down my iced coffee, got out of my chair, picked her up and hugged her hard.

“Now are you OK?” I said, squeezing her little body tight. “That’s why I told you not to play in the chair,” I repeated, nicely this time.

“Yes,” she said as I picked the wet Goldfish off her face and threw it in the grass.

Then I laughed for about another five minutes.

I would say that’s a bad mom moment….

And then there was last night.

I was reading 50 Shades Darker (yes, yayy I finally finished 50 Shades of Grey!), and my eye lids were slowlyyy closing. I was determined to finish the chapter. I’m one of those weird people who hates setting a book down in the middle of a chapter. Or does everyone hate that? I mean, it seems normal enough to me.

I set the book on my chest. I will finish this chapter…I think. I’m slowly drifting off into dreamland when I hear a little voice yelling, “Daddy! Daddy!!”

These days the Chiquita has been all about me, which I love, so I was surprised she was calling for Daddy. In hindsight I’m wondering if it’s because she thought she might get in trouble. Hubs is definitely the softie.

“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!” I keep hearing followed by whining. Not crying, let me clarify. Just that whiny fake crying crap.

I wake up and see Hubs sitting next to me playing his video game. The book is still on my chest. And the Chiquita is still whining.

Knowing I’m not finishing my chapter tonight I set 50 Shades on my nightstand and drag myself out of bed thinking: What is this kid still doing awake?

I walk into her room prepared to yell: That’s enough! It’s time for bed, now go to sleep!

I walk in the door. I stop dead in my tracks. The Chiquita is standing there. Yes, she is standing next to the crib holding her bear, Mr. Bear, in her arms and holding onto the crib.

Holy sh*t! I got out…now what?!?

She looks at me.

I look at her.

I just stand there.

Finally I muster out, “Wh-what are you do-doing?”

Then, “How did you get out of your crib?”

Hubs yells from the master, “What? She got out of her crib!?!”

He runs into the Chiquita’s bedroom. “Curls!” (his nickname for her) He yells as he runs up to her. He takes her in his arms and says, “Are you OK baby?” He’s hugging and kissing her.

In my defense, I was probably still half asleep, but I am snapped awake and standing there feeling like a complete idiot!

Holy shit, my kid fell/climbed/jumped whatever out of her crib, and I don’t even pick her up and hug her and ask her if she’s hurt? No, I just stand there like a complete shit head staring at her.

Wow, I’m a bad mom.

I jealously watch my husband console our daughter. God, how does he come out looking like the knight in shining armor when he wasn’t even going to get his lazy ass out of bed?

“Eva sandwich!” I finally yell, running over to hug them both with the Chiquita snuggled tightly in the middle.

I plead insanity, because I really do think I was half asleep and completely shocked to see my kid – whom I placed inside a crib – now standing outside of a crib.

At least I didn’t laugh at her. Pretty sure I redeemed myself with Munchkins the next day. :)

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If I Were a Postal Employee

14 Sep

I don’t think he’d be smiling if he knew what he was picking up!?!

If I were a postal employee I would be outraged by this.

If they only knew.

Or do they know?

Have we really gotten this busy?

As a full-time working mom I for one appreciate the convenience. I doubt that the post office does.

Why, you ask? What are they delivering?

They are delivering my shit.

I’m not even joking.

I recently had a physical. I’ve been having some tummy troubles, and I haven’t quite been able to figure out what to attribute it to.

- I’ve tried eliminating dairy (didn’t work)
- I quit drinking pop three months ago
- My doctor thinks it might be anxiety-related
- My stepmom thinks I eat too many raisins
- My friend thinks I’m allergic to gluten
- I actually think I might drink too much coffee

So what gives? Why do I suddenly have diarrhea on an almost daily basis? My doctor wanted to get to the bottom of it. He asked me to give a poo sample. You can imagine how comfortable I was discussing my diarrhea issues with my 60+ male physician. Well, I guess it wasn’t that bad in all honestly, I mean, I’m telling you all right?

He says that he wants me to submit a poo sample, and that I can even mail it in. (Selling point?)

What the heck?

I nodded my head as he shook my hand and said the nurse would be back with prescriptions, my blood test order and the poo pack.

Sure enough the nurse comes into the office and hands me a small cardboard box.

“You can mail this with five stamps,” She tells me. “Or you can drop it off here.”

Drop it off here? Does she think I have nothing better to do but complete my 8 ½ hour shift at work, pick up my kid, go home and make dinner, do laundry, get us all ready for the next day, i.e., pack bags, lunch, pick out outfits, etc. and that I can just make a leisurely stop at the doctor’s office (completely out of my way) to deliver my sample?

I do appreciate this convenience. I love this convenience. Five stamps, 10 stamps, I don’t care! Whatever it takes to not have to drive back to the doctor’s office.

But then I found myself having all sorts of questions, overanalyzing if you will….do the mail people know that they are picking up people’s poop? Will I tell my mail lady at work – who I talk to everyday – that she is picking up my poop?

“Well, hello there, Cindy….please be sure to be extra careful with that cardboard box. It has my shit in it. And by the way, thank you sooooo much. You’re sure making my life a lot easier by delivering my poop to my doc!”

A. W. K. W. A. R. D.

But, I actually worried that I might say that.

Luckily the day I mailed my poop she had a sub. Phew, I wasn’t going to tell the tatted dude who came in that he was picking up my crap. I simply smiled and said hello. But in my head I was all….omg, omg, that poor man has no idea that he is picking up my poo! And then I giggled.

Soooo immature.

If I don’t worry about the postal employees then am I all good here?

Because I think I actually may have scarred my 2-year-old while taking on this task. On a Saturday afternoon after drinking a large Dunkin Donuts iced coffee I was all – OK time to do this.

Git r done….I’m hearing that hillbilly guy’s voice. I despise this saying btw.

I grabbed the cardboard box and opened it to read the instructions.

Seems easy enough.

It’s not.

My first turd completely rolled off the piece of paper and plopped in the toilet. I started screaming. My husband ran into the bathroom carrying the Chiquita. “What is going on?”

The Chiquita is eyeing the piece of paper like wtf. She’s no dummy. She knows her mom’s a bit of a whack job.

“I can’t go #2 on a piece of paper. This is insane!”

“Well, you have to! Suck it up!”

Then does he leave? No! He stands there. Holding the Chiquita. While I attempt again to go to the bathroom on a piece of paper. This is messed up.

The Chiquita is seriously like wtf. (Poor kid)

OK, deed is done!

Now to “pierce” it. Yes, that’s what you have to do. This is why I’m not in the medical field, because are you serious right now? This is MINE and I’m completely grossed out. I can’t even imagine if it were someone else’s.

I’m standing there (naked) trying to pierce the poop sample, and I start gagging. Like major gagging. Like dry-heaving I’m going to throw up in a second gagging. I’m screaming, “I’m going to throw up!!!!!!!!!! I can’t do this!”

Husband is laughing.

The Chiquita is screaming, “Poop! Poop! Poop, Mommy, poop! Poop! Paper! Mommy, Poop, Paper.”

For two days following this “event” when the Chiquita would walk by the bathroom she would say: “Poop! Mommy Poop, Paper.”

So, I ask you this. Are we really too busy to give poop samples like we used to?

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The 12 Most Important Books to Read Postpartum

13 Sep

I received an email a couple weeks ago from a gal named Christine who works with Medicalbillingandcoding.org. She told me they recently published the article “The 12 Most Important Books to Read Postpartum.”

She asked me to share the post with my readers and as someone who suffered from Post Partum Depression I, of course, have to share this with you.

I would never claim to be the voice of PPD, however, I will always share my experiences – my triumphs and my failures – of my PPD journey and of being a new(er) mom. I am sooo honored that Christine found my blog and asked me to share this with all of you.

Continue to read ~ note this is the exact article which I have posted here for your convenience. In full disclosure this was not written by me. You can find this article at this link: http://www.medicalbillingandcoding.org/blog/the-12-most-important-books-to-read-postpartum/ or by going to Medicalbillingandcoding.org.

And please please! share this…we moms need to remember to hug each other sometimes. We should not be competing against each other but rather should be embracing each other. :)

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The 12 Most Important Books to Read Postpartum

Your baby’s here. Now what?

Chances are good that you read plenty of books on pregnancy, but did you remember to pick up a few about what happens after you deliver your bundle of joy? Breastfeeding, sleeping, postpartum health, and a brand new view on life are just some of the issues that new moms can really use help with in the early months of parenthood. Check out our list, and you’ll find 12 essential books for supporting brand new moms.

1. Confessions of a Scary Mommy:

As a new mom, you’ve just strapped yourself into an 18+ year ride of hilarious and sometimes embarrassing moments. Confessions of a Scary Mommy hits on so many of these moments, featuring original essays that share the truth about parenting. From doling out M&Ms at the grocery store just for survival to looking pregnant several months postpartum, this book is both relatable and hilarious. Read it now as a new mom to find out what’s coming, then pick it up again in a couple years so that you can smile and nod in agreement.

2.  Natural Health after Birth:

This highly regarded book is an essential guide to taking care of yourself as you learn how to take care of your new baby. It covers everything from breastfeeding to eating and sleeping well, plus tips for finding balance as a mom. Be sure to check it out and find practically everything you’ll need to find support in your first year of motherhood.

3.   The Happiest Baby on the Block:

News flash: sometimes babies can be a bit grouchy. And whiny. And refuse to sleep. It might even make you a little grouchy and whiny yourself. But there is hope, and it’s in this often-recommended bestselling book from Dr. Harvey Karp. In it, Karp explains how to hit the “reset” button on your baby and trigger a calming reflex through the five “S’s”: swaddling, side lying, shushing, swinging, and sucking. This book is a can’t-miss read for any parent struggling with a crying baby.

4.   The Baby Book:

For attachment parenting families, this book from Dr. Sears is practically a bible. Featuring an attachment-style approach to every aspect of baby care, The Baby Book is an essential read for moms who want to explore this type of parenting. Specifically, it includes tips for bonding, breastfeeding, babywearing, and the development of strong family relationships.

5.   This Isn’t What I Expected:

For some new mothers, postpartum depression is a terrible reality that they have to deal with. Although there’s no replacement for professional treatment, this book offers a great guide to overcoming postpartum depression. Check out This Isn’t What I Expected to learn about the myths surrounding PPD, and find advice and support for working through this difficult stage.

6.   What to Expect the First Year:

There’s a good chance you read What to Expect When You’re Expecting (and maybe you even saw the movie); here’s the postpartum companion. What to Expect the First Year follows the same format as the pregnancy edition, walking you through the development stages of your baby’s first year. Follow along to find tips and reassurance for everything from newborn car seats to dealing with a colicky baby.

7.   Breastfeeding Made Simple:

Breastfeeding moms may laugh at the idea of breastfeeding being “simple,” but that doesn’t make this book any less helpful for those who are still struggling to get it right. Breastfeeding Made Simple is an excellent companion for moms who are just starting out, explaining milk production, pumping, breast refusal, and other issues that may pop up. This book is even a great resource for established breastfeeders, offering advice for gently weaning your baby on to solid foods.

8.  The Nursing Mother’s Companion:

Another great guide for breastfeeding, The Nursing Mother’s Companion has been trusted by families for more than 25 years. This book is all about overcoming difficulties in breastfeeding, from the first week all the way to the toddler years. You’ll learn about what’s normal and what’s not, with clear, concise resources for making things work. In addition to tips and guidance, you’ll also find helpful resources like a drug interactions section that will help you quickly find out what effects your over-the-counter and prescription drugs may have on a breastfeeding baby.

9.   The No-Cry Sleep Solution:

This book from Elizabeth Pantley offers an alternative to the Ferber technique, sharing a sleep solution that doesn’t involve “crying it out.” In The No-Cry Sleep Solution, you’ll learn about the stumbling blocks to sleeping, find out how to work with your baby’s biological sleep rhythms, and create a plan to get your baby sleeping through the night. The highlight of this book is the Persistent Gentle Removal System, which is designed to teach your baby to sleep without breastfeeding, bottle-feeding, or pacifier use.

10.   Caring for Your Baby and Young Child:

Much like the What to Expect books, this guide from the American Academy of Pediatrics offers an authoritative voice on early child care. You’ll find guidelines and milestones, resources for basic care, and an entire health encyclopedia for under-5s, covering everything from illnesses to congenital diseases. Plus, there are special guides for breastfeeding, immunizations, child care programs, and car safety seats. This book truly covers everything new moms might need to know about.

11.  The Baby Owner’s Manual:

Simultaneously hilarious and helpful, this book solves the problem that so many parents have lamented: babies don’t come with an owner’s manual. You’ll have to purchase this one separately from your bundle of joy, but The Baby Owner’s Manual is an invaluable resource for learning exactly how your baby works. You’ll find instructions and even schematic diagrams that cover just about every question you may have as a new mom, from learning how to swaddle a baby to knowing when to bring your baby to the doctor.

12.   Baby Laughs:

Jenny McCarthy has been a divisive figure in the parenting world, but her views on vaccines make no difference in this wildly entertaining memoir about her first year of motherhood. Nothing is too brash for McCarthy in Baby Laughs, as she covers postnatal embarrassments including adult diapers, numbing spray, and medicated pads. You’ll even find out how she tackled dad obstacles like expecting sex, and grandparent antics including dueling grandmas. Read along and enjoy this incredibly relatable book for all new moms.

—

I honestly haven’t read any of these books except #12, Baby Laughs, which I highly recommend. Jenny McCarthy also wrote Belly Laughs and Life Laughs, and I recommend both of those books as well! Very quick and easy reads and also sooo hilarious.

My friend loaned me #6, What to Expect the First Year, and I did flip through that occasionally as a reference guide, but to be honest, the PPD was drowning me so I wasn’t doing a whole lot of reading at that time.

I wish someone had handed me #5, This Isn’t What I Expected. I’m actually thinking I may read it now even though I’m in a different state of mind to see if it is something I personally would recommend because a lot of people do reach out to me regarding PPD and depression/anxiety in general. So I will read it and let you know my thoughts. But, hang tight, because I’m currently reading 50 Shades of Grey….

I hope you found this list helpful. A big thank you to Christine at Medicalbillingandcoding.org for sharing this wonderful post with us!

**If you think you or someone you know may be suffering from PPD please contact a medical professional immediately.

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The Liebster Award

16 Aug

I am very honored to accept my fourth bloggers award, The Liebster Award, which was given to me by my new-found blogger friend Josie @ Go Momma!

Go Momma! writes a very funny blog on her life as a stay-at-home mama of 3 young children. She loves being a stay-at-home mom but also loves writing to help her keep her sanity. She shares many funny stories – while she was recently pregnant she shared weekly TMI Friday posts about how fun pregnancy is, and she also shares many touching stories, like the recent birth of her daughter (baby #3) and how baby’s two older brothers are taking to her. Please check out Go Momma!’s website for lots of laughs! And a big thank you to Go Momma! for thinking of me for The Liebster Award.

I humbly accept this award and am so thankful for all the support Jlee’s Blog has received by both my readers and my blogger friends. Now please people, help me get Concrete Boots published will you!!!

And onto the rules…I don’t like rules, but I like awards so I must follow the legacy!

1. Answer Go Momma!’s 11 probing questions
2. Think of 11 questions of your own
3. Choose 11 worthy bloggers (who have fewer than 200 followers) to interrogate and pay it forward!

1. Who are you writing for (besides yourself) when you blog?
Writing is great therapy for me; however, I do aim to please my loyal readers. Even though I do write for my own spirit and sanity I can’t tell you how great it feels to have someone come up to me and tell me that they enjoy reading my blog. Wow, what a compliment!

2. Which of your family members (if any) enjoy reading your blog?
Haha, I could never imagine my beloved Italian Papa reading my blog. Omg, I would die.

3. How much information is TMI for you?
Nothing is off-limits for me. In fact, I announced in a meeting today that I had to go #2. I also incessantly discuss my diarrhea problems. Oh there, and now all my loyal readers know, too!

4. What’s the worst ‘groan’ joke you can think of?
I’m confused, is this groan as in UGHHHH or is this groin as in ‘my groin hurts’. Either way, I don’t have a joke for you. I’m not really a joke telling kind of person. I stick to the truth, like my diarrhea.

5. What subjects are off-limits on your blog and why?
There are some subjects that are off-limits but this is not by my account. I would disclose all, but out of respect for people who I’m close to there are some things I choose not to share.

6. Have you offended anyone with your blog – would you care if you did?
Yes, I have. Yes, I do care. I am a pleaser. I want everyone to like me and love what I say. The truth of the matter is when you have a blog and you put it all out there not everyone is going to agree with every single thing you say. It takes many people to make the world go around, and that’s OK. We don’t all have to be alike and we don’t all have to agree. I try not to blatantly offend or upset anyone, but if it happens I do hope that they understand that wasn’t my intention.

7. What did you laugh about today?
It is morning as I write this post so I haven’t had much happen yet this morning. However, I sat at my desk and LMAO while recounting the story for Question #11. :)

8. When is the last time you cried and why?
I cried a couple of weeks ago when a very sick Chiquita wanted nothing to do with me. :( I’ve said before that the Chiquita is a daddy’s girl, and most of the time I just accept it for what it is and have faith that I’m her mama and therefore Mother is God so of course she loves me. On this day, I don’t know, I was having one of those guilt-ridden moments about being a full-time working mom and here my kid is sick and is exhausting the g-parents and now she wants nothing to do with me and just wants Dadddddyyyyy! Oh why do I even bother! Boohoo me. We worked it out. I think a lot of moms feel that constant guilt whether they are a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. We can never escape The Guilt.

9. What’s the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?
I wish I could say something really funny like I walked down the aisle in a friend’s wedding with my dress stuck in my panties…remember that Friends episode? But, no! I just had the basic humiliating teenage episodes that all kids suffer from except the Regina George’s of the world….so nothing really sticks out in my mind as “the” most embarrassing moment. I was very embarrassed recently when my kid was acting like a demon child at a birthday party and we ended up having to leave before cake. But, she’s only 2 so I anticipate more of those embarrassing demon child moments down the road. Don’t worry though; I’ll pay her back when she’s a teenager by singing The Spice Girls at the top of my lungs in our car with all the windows down. I can’t wait! Paybacks are a bitch!

10. Who (can be ANYONE) makes you laugh the most – and why?
My bonus daughter always makes me laugh. Even if I’m in a bad mood she’ll have me cracking up. She’s a really good story-teller – complete with facial expressions and voices and body movements. She’ll tell you these stories that go on and on and the things that happen…omg it’s unreal. She should be on TV. Everyone needs someone like my bonus daughter in their life; someone who is so colorful, so full of life, so unafraid of who she is and can be comfortable with herself. She’s wise beyond her years.

11. What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen?
The funniest thing I’ve ever seen is this 6-foot tall red-headed girl wipe out on her ass carrying a 10-lbs hot dog steamer. To this day if I think about it I still actually laugh out loud. It happened when I was 16-year-old working at the pizza place. Thankfully, the water was cool so she didn’t get burned nor did she get hurt in the fall besides being a bit sore, but yes, when she actually fell in front of my own two eyes I couldn’t stop laughing.

She looked at me and said, “Really? You don’t even ask if I’m OK?”

To this day I feel bad that I didn’t ask her if she was OK, but it was soooooo fricking funny that while I write this right now I’m actually laughing out loud remembering her face….it was like in slowwww motion….like she slipped on a banana peel. Her legs slipped out from under her, she fell backwards falling on her ass and lay on the floor soaked in water with the steamer on her chest. I laughed and laughed. I know I sound like a huge asshole right now, but truly it was the funniest thing I have ever seen.

And on that note…here are my 11 Questions:

1. Tell me 3 things you carry with you.
2. What was your first job?
3. What are your thoughts on jean skirts – are they “in style”? (I’ve been told they’re out of style, is that even possible?)
4. What planet would you travel to if you could?
5. What is your favorite piece of modern technology and why (microwave, DVR, computer, etc.)?
6. What super power would you possess if you could pick one?
7. Tell me the last dream you remember having.
8. What TV show can you watch reruns of over and over and over?
9. Do you agree with how others see you or do you think there is more than meets the eye?
10. What is your astrology sign and do the characteristics fit you?
11. Are you left-handed or right-handed?

I would like to pass The Liebster Award onto 11 6 Friends:

Sandra @ She Can’t Be Serious

Marcia @ Menopausal Mother

Katie @ The Intrinsic Writer

Darryl @ The Weddington Adventures

Zoe @ Everything for Ana

Tatted Mom @ The Inklings of Life

To the bloggers above, congrats on your award! And another big thanks to Go Momma! I’m very appreciative of this award.

Have a great day everyone! :D

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Jlee’s Review – Bare Fruit Snacks

20 Jul

I was asked by Bare Fruit Snacks to do a product review of their Cinnamon Apple Chips. One thing that was really cool was the “sample” they sent me was actually a full bag of chips instead of a mini bag! Big thanks Bare Fruit!

I was super excited to try their product because I am a huge potato chip addict (Classic Lays are my fave) but after 5 Days of Insanity I’m trying to make healthier choices. I’ve even eliminated pop from my diet. Yes, I have been pop-free for two months! GO me!

But, I’m getting sidetracked.

Bare Fruit Snack’s Cinnamon Apple Chips are thin and crunchy baked apple crisps that are lightly flavored with cinnamon. While one of the things I really enjoy about chips is the salt I didn’t seem to miss the salt as much since I still had the nice crunchy feeling in my mouth.  The chips tasted sweet, but not overly sweet.

I will be honest – the first chip I popped in my mouth I was like ewww nast, this tastes like cardboard. BUT, remember, I’m a Classic Lays addict, so of course something that is healthy is initially not going to taste as good to me! After eating a few more handfuls though I started to love them and wanted to continue eating them.

Side note, I actually came home from meeting the girls out for drinks, and when I walked in the door at 11 pm I had the munchies. I reached for the Classic Lays and then immediately put them down. I was soo good at the restaurant; I couldn’t blow it now! I reached for a handful of crisps, and I have to say, they hit the spot! I was surprised that this healthy snack hit the spot after two beers when I was really craving burritos, french fries and Classic Lays!

The Chiquita loved the chips, too, and she is becoming quite the chip addict as well. I need to better her diet NOW, and this is a great snack to give to kids or for me to take to the office for afternoon snacking.

“Mommy, I want some yummy and healthy Bare Fruit Snacks!”

I did take the Bare Fruit Snacks to the office to share with my coworkers, and they agreed on the first taste sort of being icky, but that once they got used to what they were eating they started to enjoy the chips a lot more. One gal I worked with even asked where you can buy them.

So, my review of this product is that it is the perfect healthy snack! If Bare Fruit Snacks sends me another product I will plan to do my 1st ever blog giveaway. Wow, I’m getting so official. :)

Here is some additional info on Bare Fruit Snacks:

~ 100% organic for you natural lovers
~ Two servings of fruit in every bag
~ Fat and gluten-free
~ Additional flavors include; Fuji Apple Chips, Granny Smith Apple Chips, Dried Cherries, Dried Mangos, Dried Pears
~ Available at a wide range of stores, such as; Walmart, Costco, Whole Foods or you can purchase online at Amazon or at Bare Fruit Snacks online.

Visit Bare Fruit online at www.barefruitsnacks.com and check them out on FB and become a fan at www.facebook.com/barefruit.

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