Tag Archives: Bathroom Stall

5 Days of Insanity: Part III

18 Sep

The 5 Days of Insanity posts continue to be very popular on my blog. 5 Days of Insanity has actually gotten the highest views and most comments of any of my posts. (Thanks Readers!! :D )

It all started when I purchased a Groupon for a 5 day juice cleanse from A Choice 4 Life back in March. Not much of a cleanse person (I’m Italian, and I like my food) I figured I’d give it a shot and do a write-up of my experience for the blog.

After talking about it with a friend she decided to also give it a shot. By the way, she is a cleanse person and usually does very well on cleanses and diets in general (unlike me). When she purchased the A Choice 4 Life Juice Cleanse I asked her if she would write a guest post of her experience for the blog. She agreed ~ and has offered some great tips for my readers in 5 Days of Insanity: Part II.

Not to beat a dead horse…but seeing as though there is continued interest in this Groupon and this juice cleanse, I figured we could use a man’s point of view.

Today’s post comes to us from Dave. A big thank you to Dave! I’m glad you survived. :)

Photo courtesy of A Choice 4 Life

 

Hi Jennifer – thought I would keep you up to date with my five day journey…I am on day 2 as I type and can tell you much much worse than day 1.
______________________________________________________________________
It’s a long time coming, but my girlfriend and I are finally doing the 5 day cleansing after taking a month to receive it from Groupon. We both decided to start on Monday, since we didn’t want to destroy our weekends with starvation and everything else that comes with a cleansing.Day 1-I woke up around 7 and was surprisingly not hungry? Not sure why – maybe I convinced my body that it didn’t need food during the five days. I drank my 12 ounces and tea and 6 ounces of protein – which tastes eerily familiar to being in a barn filled with hay? Hmmm… I wonder if they just tell you it’s protein? I went to work with one arm filled with fruit and the other with a 64 ounce bottle of grapefruit juice. Believe it or not, my first day was somewhat ‘normal’ other than a mild headache (lack of coffee) and a constant running to the bathroom because I was drinking so much. I think by the end of the five days the carpet between my office and the bathroom will be worn down. My evening was the same, for some reason I was not that hungry. I ate grapes, a plum and a pound or two of watermelon. Off to bed around 10 with a commitment to continue for the next 4 days.

Day 2-I woke up at 4:45 and off to the gym I went. I did weights and 45 minutes of spinning. I felt a bit achy, but probably from the Tough Mudder Challenge I did the past weekend – not likely from all the fruit working it’s way through my body. Came home, drank my ‘stuff’ (tea and protein) and off to work with Apple Juice. This of course is where my 5 day program gets interesting. I am drinking my apple juice in the morning and rather enjoying the change from the tart grapefruit the day before. At about 9:30 a.m. my stomach starts rumbling and 15 minutes later… all hell breaks loose! I am now running back and forth to the shitter maybe 6 or 7 times until 11:00, at which time I have to leave for an offsite meeting! I am gone until 1:00 and during that time I am dying! Holding everything back and in for what felt like an eternity. Made it back to my house for another quick relief and then off to the office to finish my juice and allocate 20% of the rest of my day to the porcelain god.Oddly enough, my evening was uneventful and I would say even good. I ate another pound of watermelon, watch a movie and honestly – just not hungry…weird for me. No more rumbling or porcelain gods for the evening!

Day 3-I didn’t sleep well last night, probably more stress related than the cleansing. When I finally got up around 7:00, I felt really good – not hungry at all, which is odd for me. I did my usual tea and protein before leaving the house cradling my prune juice (better known as shit maker) and a bag of grapes. How does one even contemplate 64 ounces of shit maker? Are you kidding me – I think the person who designed the cleansing is a sick mf’er! My day went exactly as you would have expected – running back and forth to my second office from 11:00 on, but this time with more power and vengeance from the body. I think I must have a lot of toxins in me because far more is coming out then ever went in! My stomach is in constant cramps with a side of rumble to boot. I am not hungry (no surprise) but I don’t feel weak or lethargic like others have from the cleansing. In the evening, I cooked dinner for my girls and watched them eat one of my favorite dishes. My stomach was going absolutely crazy throughout the evening with my last run the bathroom at 1:36 a.m. I’ll be honest, I was a bit scared that I was going to shit my pants in the middle of the night – oh what a feeling! I am now beginning to wonder if this is all worth it…

Day 4-Not sure what’s wrong with me, but definitely not sleeping well…I was falling in and out of sleep throughout the night, but my stomach cramps were gone after my 1:36 bout. My day started fine, although a bit lethargic. I quickly drank my protein hay and herbal/detoxing tea. Today’s drink of choice was grape juice. Oh how deceptive that wonderful child drink can be. My morning went fine with one trip to the bathroom and an amazing amount of grumbling. I had a client lunch, asked for a fruit plate with weird stares from my guest and of course this restaurant has NO fruit. So I sit and drank my lemon water while everyone is devouring plates of wonderfulness! During lunch, I am feeling something ‘coming on’ but resist going to the bathroom as I know it may be a while. After an hour or so, we finally drop off the client and head back to the office. This is when I knew I was done! I was in the bathroom for 20 minutes and 11 flushes later. I felt at this point I had cleaned every part of my system and had nothing left to give. Later on in the evening, I had two bowls of soup, contemplated my last four days and felt satisfied with my cleansing. I have not weighed myself – but would imagine that I lost 5 – 7 pounds. I feel thinner and know that I did something good for my body.

I am not sure I would recommend it. If I knew for sure it made a difference – YES, but I will never know. It’s a bit of faith that goes into these cleansings.

The consensus seems to be that you spend an awful lot of time on the toilet….so might want to invest in one of these.

If you are interested in trying this cleanse here is the information that you need:

A Choice For Life, Holistic Wellness Center
10650 S. Western Ave.
Chicago, IL 60643
(773) 239-7740
www.AChoice4Life.com

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I Owe It All To Poop

7 Sep

I recently signed up for LinkedIn at the insistence of my writing coach. I feel so professional saying that…my writing coach. I’ve gotten very serious about selling my manuscript, Concrete Boots. Read the excerpt here. Writing Coach thought LinkedIn would give me more exposure. I figured what do I have to lose?

Within two weeks of being on LinkedIn I was contacted by a reporter for Businessweek in New York. I know, omg, right?! She said she wanted to interview me for a bathroom story because she had read my post Let’s Talk Bathroom Etiquette and thought it was “hilarious”.

I immediately responded grateful for the opportunity. My brain started spinning out of control…omg, this is IT. This is my break. People are going to read my writing and think it’s great, and I am going to be the next J.K. Rowling. I will be BFF with Giuliana Rancic. My book will be turned into a great movie, like The Devil Wears Prada. I will be invited to the Oscars when Katie Holmes wins Best Actress for playing ME in Concrete Boots. (PS. Once before I mentioned Jennifer Love Hewitt, but now I’m thinking Katie Holmes…totally).

Umm..yeah I totally look like Kate

O-M-G. So exciting.

Then…

The balloon deflates. The air slowly whistles out……..

I’ll let the conversation speak for itself:

—–Original Message—–
From: Venessa Wong (BLOOMBERG/ 731 LEXIN)
Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 2:21 PM
To: jlee5879@live.com
Subject: Urgent Businessweek inquiry, One of your blog posts

Hi JLee,
I am a reporter for Businessweek in New York. I saw one of your blog posts
and was wondering if this was yours:
http://jleesblog.com/2012/04/05/lets-talk-bathroom-etiquette-repepepepepeat/
It’s hilarious and I am looking for funny stories about bathroom etiquette
in the office for an article. Let me know if this is something I can
interview you about!

Sincerely,
Venessa

—

I’m going to be interviewed!!! Ohmigosh, who will style me for the Oscars? Stella McCartney?

This is gorge! Guipure Lace Celia Dress $5,145

We trade some emails back and forth and here is what I send:

—– Original Message —–
From: jlee5879@live.com
To: VENESSA WONG (BLOOMBERG/ 731 LEXIN)
At: Sep 4 2012 16:52:01

Here is a bathroom story. I hope this works:

I’m shocked that in this day and age there are people who actually don’t wash their hands openly in front of other people like it’s normal. Now I see why my bonus daughters refuse to touch the bathroom door. I always think they are being a little dramatic. But, much to my surprise I recently heard someone in my office building (cue dramatics) not wash their hands!

How it went down was I was ‘The Pooper‘ so I was settled in catching up on Twitter (follow me @jlee5879blogger) as I often do when I’m attending to my business and ‘The Tortoise and the Hare’ dashes into the bathroom stall for their marathon pee. We’re talking running into the stall and slamming the door shut.

Side note, this is a HUGE pet peeve for me. Do you really need to slam the door shut so that the entire bathroom barricade shakes for us all? The screws are half sticking out after all. One day it is going to fall apart, and if you catch me with my pants down I can tell you our future interactions will be very awkward.

But, back to ‘The Tortoise and the Hare‘ – the marathon pee session consists of a few dribbles followed by a flush (the ‘Flush n Run’); did you even wipe because I’m quite certain that you did not since I didn’t hear our ginormous
commercial toilet paper roll creaking as you grab for TP? And then the run.

O.M.G. As God is my witness here I sit updating Twitter and a ‘Flush n Runner’ has actually left the bathroom without washing their hands. This is unbelievable. I sit there in a complete state of shock. What do I do about this? Do I tweet this? Do I make a sign to hang up in the bathroom? Who could this have been? I’ve got to get to the bottom of this! We the People deserve to know!

As I finish my own business and wash my hands I scrub them extra hard, like that is somehow going to make up for the Mad-dashers lack of bathroom etiquette. I think to myself that I absolutely cannot believe that a grown
woman would not wash her hands after going to the bathroom. That is beyond disgusting. I don’t even like having to use hand sanitizer in a porter potty, and now, here, right in front of you, you have soap. You have water. You have paper towels. This isn’t the dark ages! What is going on?

I’m simply baffled and asking God to give me a response here. Please, explain it to me so I can understand this alternate universe. As I dried my hands and tossed the towel into the trash I remembered I needed a buffer to open the bathroom door with. Obvs the ‘Flush n Runners’ pee-infested hand is all over the bathroom door handle, and I can just imagine the tiny little bugs crawling on the door with hopes of grasping onto my sweet smelling skin with desperation. Even they don’t want to be on that dirty handle.

I grab a new paper towel to open the door with. As I open the door I’m face-to-face with a fellow office worker from down the hall.

Startled, I collect my thoughts and say hello.

“Hi!” She responds, “I left my key in the bathroom!”

O.M.G. And I’m standing face-to-face with the non-hand-washer. Here is your answer God tells me. And to this day every single time I see or speak to her I remember that she doesn’t wash her hands in the ladies room. And then I
throw up in my mouth.

—

Some other emails go back and forth…did I tweet about the incident? No. Do I talk on the phone in the bathroom? No. I only Tweet in the bathroom!

I patiently wait for the finished piece that is going to change my life…make me the next big thing. :)

—

—–Original Message—–

From: Venessa Wong (BLOOMBERG/ 731 LEXIN)
Sent: Wednesday, September 05, 2012 2:18 PM
To: jenniferbodoh@live.com

Subject: Re: Urgent Businessweek inquiry, One of your blog posts

Hi Jennifer. Here’s a link. Thanks again for sharing your story! It was hilarious.

http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2012-09-05/trend-watch-fewer-co-workers-are-washing-their-hands#r=hp-ls

THIS IS IT!

Check out the article.

—

Disappointed?

Did I oversell?

I suppose I did. I oversold it to myself…this gold Stella McCartney bag with my dress at the Oscars. Maybe Prince Harry as my date? (PS. I’m currently obsessed with Prince Harry. It was the nude pics, I’ll admit it).

Pembridge Gold Braided Faux Vacchetta Clutch $830

BUT, here are my thoughts. She found ME. She read my post. She sought me out for an interview. These are all great things. Its baby steps, my friends, baby steps. I just wish I was taking my baby steps in these fab shoes!

Jimmy Choo Balfour Ankle Boot $1,295

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5 Days of Insanity: Part II

24 Aug

Today’s post comes to us from one of my good friends. Even though she read my review 5 Days of Insanity she was still crazy enough to give the cleanse a shot. :) She was kind of enough to share her experience with us.

In case you don’t recall my own experience with 5 Days of Insanity…in March I did a 5 day juice cleanse courtesy of A Choice 4 Life. I will provide the information at the bottom of this email in the chance you would like to try it out. Please enjoy my friend’s take below…she is very witty and you will be rooting for her to make it through to the end!

I decided to start my cleanse on a Monday, because I felt like I could enjoy the weekend, and then hit the grind at the beginning of the week. I admit I overindulged the weekend prior, knowing I was doing this cleanse and feeling like I was going to prison, I ate everything I could think of, and drank a bunch of wine too. Why not, I am hitting the reset button! Maybe not the best idea…maybe not even a good idea.

Day 1-I wake up starving, due, I suspect, to my overeating/drinking on the weekend. Also, I already have to go to the bathroom and I haven’t even started the cleanse yet. Ok, focus, get the mixes going, drink up and eat some of the fruit I got at Whole Foods the day before. And wait, I have to drink all 64 oz of this juice? Per day? I must have read that wrong! They give you choices of juice and you can either do 1 juice per day, or mix/match so I decided to mix it up. Ok, I grab my Cranberry juice and head to work, which is just upstairs since I am lucky enough to work from home (but am I lucky? I feel like the fridge and pantry are calling my name, taunting me). Meanwhile, I am working and starving. I complain to friends. They give me support and tell me I can do it. It’s the FIRST day. Decide to take a lunch break, and head to Trader Joe’s to try to find more variety, what else can I eat? I need to find something. I get a few more fruits, and decide to add in some low salt cashews because my body is craving salt like there is no tomorrow, and cashews are a fruit, yippee. I also grab some tomatoes, because well, they are the forgotten fruit. Wait, uh oh, I have to go to the bathroom at TJ’s…nice. This coming from a girl who has a fear of going to the bathroom in public places. Oh well, duty calls. Later, back at home, my husband makes fried shrimp for dinner, and I cut up my tomato and admittedly sprinkle with a little salt and pepper, because I can’t help myself. I eat this tomato like it was a Chicago deep dish pizza. Now we decide to watch TV and there is nothing on, so we decide to watch ‘Around the World in 80 plates’. A cooking show (I am a glutton for punishment). Finally head to bed at 8:15pm, but cannot sleep. The stomach pains kick in and I toss and turn, and for some reason Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville keeps running through my head, “searching for my lost shaker of salt…salt, where’s my Goddamn salt!?!” I think to myself, there is no way I can keep this up, I am quitting. Finally sleep comes at 12:15am.

Day 2-My generous husband let me sleep in and took care of our 1-year-old daughter. I slept until 8:15am and thought, ok, just gotta get through 12 more hours until I can go to bed at 8:15pm again. But wait, I am feeling better, less hungry and the stomach pains are gone. Yay. I think I can really do this. Grapefruit for breakfast and I even go for a short bike ride in the morning and today I am not very hungry.  That was at 10am. It’s now 4pm and I am once again starved and wishing I could go to bed now. I am cooking dinner tonight for my husband and my Mom. I love to cook, so this will give me something to do to kind of get through the evening, and I decided to make them pork chops since I hate ‘em and they love ‘em.  But at this point, I am actually thinking I might devour a pork chop tonight if I could. I am having a tomato and a little bit of cucumber. I know most people don’t see these as fruits, but they are, and I need them. I am sooooo sick of sweet! Head to bed around 8pm again and cannot sleep! Insomnia like I have never had it before. I toss and turn and watch TV and nothing. I decide to watch Pride & Prejudice, as though I love the movie, it moves rather slow and period pieces have a way of putting me to sleep, but no, I watch the entire movie. I finally, finally fall asleep at 4am, only to wake to my 1 year old’s needs at 7am.

Day 3-This is the day I must refer to as zombie day. I can’t really remember much of it, due to no sleep, no food and really nothing to live for. I begin to identify with the guy in Florida who ate the face off that homeless person. I start to do things that make no sense. I take the dog out, then I unhook him from his leash while he is still outside. I back out of the driveway full speed into my garbage cans. Should I even be driving? Is this cleanse really worth turning into this zombie-like state. At least one positive thing, I realize I need to cut any juice and fruit intake no later than 5pm, because I am positive all the sugar is what is causing the sleeplessness. Tonight, bed at 7:30pm and I do manage to fall asleep!! Not all night, but I call it a win.

Day 4-While I am getting ready for my day, I stare in the mirror and wonder how I can single-handedly destroy the entire fruit population on the planet. I quickly remember that fruit=wine, so I abort this plan, and get ready to begin another fruit filled day. OMG, I cannot wait for a glass of wine!! This thought actually gets me through the day, as I begin to tell myself I know on Day 5 I am going to cheat and have a salad of some sort AND a glass of wine. Wine is fruit anyway, I rationalize.  Day 4 really doesn’t count, because all I am thinking about is Day 5. Oh, and why am I so sore? Everything hurts and I am moving really slow. Maybe it’s the lack of protein? I can’t wait to eat again.

Day 5-Can barely get out of bed, and feel like I am 90 years old. Why? This can’t be normal. I text my friend who went through this cleanse, and she assures me yes, she too was sore as hell. Great. Ok, get through the day and then cheat at dinner, that’s my plan! Wait, I have to work, I can’t bear the idea of sitting at my desk. I don’t want to type, talk, email, or communicate with anyone. Ugh. I make it to lunch and I must eat something salty, so I have some peanuts. Peanuts are fruit too. There are a lot of fruits to be discovered when you are truly in desperate need. Then I basically watched the clock until dinner and we had planned on dinner out with my stepkids before my stepson went back to college. I suggest we go to dinner at 4pm…we compromise and go at 5:30pm. I do the right thing and order a salad, a house salad, very boring, but at this point to me, a feast. I also get a glass of wine. I feel I want to celebrate, I made it and I am proud of myself. The wine goes straight to my head and I get a nice little buzz and I am back in a happy place. Food & wine, it is what makes the world go round. Cleanse officially over.

Day 6 to present-I lost 7lbs officially from the cleanse. I have been making much healthier choices since and am now down 9lbs. I don’t know if I would do this cleanse again, only because I got so sick of fruit, it was too much. However, this cleanse must be better than the ones where you don’t eat anything, so maybe I would dare to do it again, but not for a long time.

Tips:

  • Buy the toilet paper with Aloe in it, and a lot of it. Plus wipes!
  • Place magazines in every bathroom in your home, even the one you don’t use because you will!
  • Cut your fruit and juice intake by 5pm to avoid insomnia.
  • Try to get a work out in on your 1st and 2nd day, as by day 3, you will lack the energy to do anything other than walk.
  • Warn your spouse or family member in advance that you will be useless for the week.
  • Add in nuts or tomatoes or anything that will help you get through the week.
  • Try to watch all your TV on DVR for the week, so you can fast forward commercials, the food commercials are killers!
  • Do not overindulge the weekend prior to your cleanse. You will only be making it harder on yourself.
  • Try to stay and think positive, and remember it’s for your full body health!

Here is the information you need if you are interested in trying this cleanse:

A Choice For Life, Inc.
10650 S. Western Ave.
Chicago, IL 60643
(773) 239-7740
http://achoice4life.com/

And if you have tried it please give us your feedback! :) Also a big thank you to my friend for sharing her experience with us! Love you babe!!xx

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5 Days of Insanity

6 Apr

One morning in early March as I was getting ready for work, I noticed that I was having a hard time pulling up my skinny jeans.  Hmm…must be because I just washed them, you know, jeans shrink in the dryer!

About a week later I was pulling on another pair of jeans, and I could barely button those suckers up.  Hmmm…must be because I’m getting my period!

****

I got an email from Groupon – it was Groupon “Spring Break” deals.  The very first item on the list was a 5-Day Juice Cleanse from A Choice For Life, a Holistic Wellness Center in Chicago.

I’ve heard mixed reviews on cleanses – some people describe them as a great way to lose 5 – 10 lbs. and others think they are risky and dangerous.

I was feeling desperate though because my pants were getting tighter and tighter, and while I was attempting to eat better and workout I have to admit I wasn’t doing a very good job at it.

The cleanse cost $35 [on Groupon].  I figured it was worth a shot, for $35, why not?  I’ve never done a cleanse before, and I honestly didn’t even know if I had the willpower to go through with it.  I thought it was a good challenge for me as well.  I’ve been eating poorly and drinking too much wine, let’s clean out the tank and start fresh!  You know, some spring cleaning so to speak.

I purchase the cleanse and wait about a week for it to arrive in the mail.  I received the cleanse on St. Patrick’s Day and excitedly ripped the package open.  Inside is a [large] tea bag, a protein pack, and two sheets of paper.

I have the 5 Day Detoxification Program, Fresh Fruit & 100% Juice.

Detoxification is the removal of toxins, acid, mucus and poisons that have invaded your major organs such as the liver, kidneys, spleen, colon, brain, skin, eyes and blood system.

Well holy crap!

Step 1: Twice daily drink 12 oz. of the herbal detox tea in the morning and in the evening.  CHECK.

Step 2: Drink 6 oz. of the protein drink in the morning immediately following the herbal detox tea.  CHECK.

Step 3: All Day, eat fresh fruit and drink 100% fruit juices.  No meat, dairy, bread, pasta.  Eat only fruit.  All you can eat.

Well shit, look at this.  I can eat as much fruit as I want!  I can totes handle this.  No problem!  CHECK.

Step 4: Drink at least 64 oz. of 100% fruit juices on the days shown below.  Also drink 3-4 glasses of water.  CHECK.

Day 1: Sunday

I begin my cleanse on Sunday, March 18th.  I wake up starving at 7:30 am.  I am dying for an iced coffee, like seriously dying.

I drink my tea and protein shake.  By the way, 6 oz. is like nothing.

Not bad, but afterwards I’m still starving which I don’t quite understand because on any given day I don’t usually eat breakfast until about 9 am.  Am I this starving because I know I can’t eat?

Around 10 am I can’t take it anymore.  I need to go to the store and buy fruit and also the fruit juice I need to drink for the next 5 days.

Not to mention I decide I HAVE to get an iced coffee, but I will get it with skim milk and easy sugar.  I mean, that’s better than the way I usually drink it?  And I got a small instead of a large.

This coffee is terrible.  It’s amazing how good coffee tastes with tons of cream and tons of sugar. It’s like dessert.

Day 1 is apple juice.  I love apple juice.  As I’m eating my freshly purchased fruit my stomach is starting to kill me.  Fruit is like really sweet, and I’m gagging trying to eat it all.  I ate strawberries and grapes.  I’d honestly rather starve.  I don’t eat anymore fruit today.

I drink almost the entire 64 oz. (that’s a whole bottle!) of apple juice.  I feel disgusting.

As the day goes on I am very weak.  I am also very bitchy.

We take the Chiquita to the park, and as I’m standing there I feel like I’m going to fall over.  I wasn’t sure if I could even make the walk home.  I’ve seriously never been so hungry in my entire life.

It doesn’t help that it happens to be an 80 degree day in March in Chicago, and my husband wants to go to Dairy Queen.  Gee thanks.

I go to bed and dream about food.

I have 4 more days of this?

Day 2: Monday

At least I have to go to work today so I won’t be sitting at home all day wishing I could eat.  This is probably the first Monday in the history of my life that I’m excited to go to work.

I drink another small iced coffee with skim milk and easy sugar.

My choice for juice today is 100% organic lemonade or to squeeze 6-8 fresh lemons and mix with 64 oz. of water.  Because I don’t like lemonade (unless it’s mixed with vodka) I do the lemon water.  This was actually not bad, and I finished the 64 oz.  Yayy me!

I also pretended that I was a POW, and I was being starved to death by evil Nazi’s.  I can’t fold, I kept telling myself.  I must stay strong!

As weird as it sounds the POW reference keeps me strong and focused.  I do really well today.  3 more days to go, I can do this!

Day 3: Tuesday

I don’t do as well today.

My juice today is a choice of 100% papaya or 100% white grapefruit juice.  I don’t like grapefruits or grapefruit juice so I go to two different stores searching for papaya juice.  Naturally I can’t find it so I have to buy the grapefruit juice.  It’s no fun drinking a juice that you actually hate.  I only drink half the bottle.

I eat watermelon and cantaloupe today, and again I don’t eat nearly enough fruit because it is making my stomach sooo sick.

I have a handful of almonds.

This POMOW (Prisoner of my Own War) is starting to go a little crazy.  I’m soooo hungry.  I can’t even think straight.

I go to bed and dream about food.

Day 4: Wednesday

I’m gonna die.

I can’t do this for two more days.  I just can’t!  I’m starving.  Why am I doing this again?  Why am I practically starving myself?  Is this even normal?

At least today I get to drink 100% cranberry juice, 100% grape juice or 100% pineapple juice.  I opt for the grape juice because I’m a huge fan of grape juice.

I drink almost the entire bottle of grape juice.  I eat some kiwi and some pears.

I text my friend that I can’t do it anymore.  She texts me back BGP (Big Girl Pants from post Ramblings of a Single Mama).

I eat a handful of sunflower kernels and chug a bottle of water.  I sit at my desk and imagine this is what Kate Moss feels like.  I stare at my computer.

Eating is wayyyy overrated.

My bosses have to repeat things to me multiple times today because as they talk to me I stare at them with a blank face.

I text my mom that I’m dying.  She responds: Why are you doing this, Jennifer?

Must.  Eat.  Food.

Day 5: Thursday

I have made it through this cleanse starving myself for the past 4 days.  I feel near death.

My boss says, “You look like a wreck!” (Now there’s a compliment?) “You really don’t look so good today.  I’m starting to get worried.  When is this insanity over with?”

“Today is my last day,” I tell him, as I rub my stomach, which is growling.

Day 5 you have the joy of drinking 64 oz. of prune juice.  I drank half the bottle of prune juice, and I spent about half my day in the bathroom.  Having diarrhea.  In a public bathroom at my work.  It was disgusting and embarrassing.

It was like “ShitBreak” from American Pie.  I was embarrassed to come out of the bathroom stall because the stuff that was coming out of me was some funkyyyyy shit!

O-M-G. That's all I got.

I am the biggest bitch ever today, and I feel like I’m going to fall over at any given second.  I truly have not one ounce of energy.  I wonder what I’m doing to my body.  I kind of even wonder if I will live.

I’m in a lot of pain now.  My head hurts, my stomach hurts, my legs hurt…..sorry, tmi, but my butt hurts, too.

My husband tells me my skin looks yellow and begs me to eat.  I end up eating a small salad because I truly can’t eat any more fruit and I truly can’t stop going #2.

Then Husband tells me how I failed my mission because I ate said salad.  I wanted to kill him.  I sat at the table and yelled at him about how I was starving myself for 5 days for him, damn it, and couldn’t he appreciate it and tell me good job instead of telling me I failed?

He tells me I’m wayyy overreacting and it’s probably because I’m hungry.  I give him a death stare. He shuts the fuck up.

I go to bed and dream about food.

Day 6: Friday

I stop at Dunkin Donuts in the morning for an iced coffee.  Even though I get a large with cream and sugar, I do say easy cream and easy sugar.

I feel proud of myself.  I DID IT! Sort of.  I know I cheated here and there, but in my opinion I succeeded.

I basically didn’t eat for 5 days.
I ended up losing 5 pounds.
Would I say it was worth it?  Yes.
Would I do it again?  No.

I don’t recommend it.  I’m going to make sure I stick to working out and eating right.  My weight will fluctuate, and that’s OK, but instead of going to extreme measures I will remind myself what I went through as a POMOW.  I don’t think I could survive this again.  I don’t think my marriage would survive this again.

For those of you crazy enough to read this and think you STILL would want to try it here is the information you need:

A Choice For Life, Holistic Wellness Center
10650 S. Western Ave.
Chicago, IL 60643
(773) 239-7740
www.AChoice4Life.com

What extreme diets have you done to try to lose weight?

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Let’s Talk Bathroom Etiquette…Repepepepepeat

5 Apr

Here is another fan favorite I’d like to share from back in the day. This post tends to get a lot of hits from Google searches for “toilet stalls” and “public bathrooms”.

I’d also like to share that I do now wear a seatbelt – after receiving my 2nd seatbelt violation I decided to just start wearing the damn thing – and I also now use a seat cover on the toilet. Even though it takes an extra second to put down I decided I’d rather take the two minutes then get crabs from a toilet seat. :P

I hope you enjoy it and learn some bathroom etiquette!

Photo courtesy of Yahoo Photos

I know all my bathroom talk is frank – and probably pretty gross – but the fact of the matter is we all go to the bathroom and at some time in our lives we will all be forced to use a public bathroom.  Nothing is more annoying than people lacking proper etiquette in this shared space.

For men, you just walk in, whip it out and do your biz in the urinal…obviously God is a man.  But, for ladies, this is a bit more of a production.

I work in an office building with a shared public bathroom for all employees in the building.  I know some of the ladies from other offices, but others, even though I’ve seen them around I don’t “know” them.  This is because they won’t say hello or even acknowledge my presence in the bathroom.  WTF?  I realize we’re in a bathroom, but when you walk in and I’m washing my hands why can’t you say hello?

This one lady – she makes the effort to look at me every time.  And then she gives me a dirty look!  It pisses me off!  But, I take solace in the fact that not only am I cuter than her, but I’m obviously much nicer as well…

Some other issues I have:

The Tortoise and the Hare – These people drive me INSANE.  These are the people that time their bathroom breaks like they are running a marathon.  They literally marathon pee – they pee in a minute tops.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  What is your hurry?  I guess I pee more like the Tortoise.  I take my time…slow and steady.  These people that come in and pee ridiculously fast actually give me anxiety.  I don’t want to have to pop a Xanax every time I go to the bathroom because you’re in some crazy race with yourself to be the quickest pee-er in my office building.  Congratulations!  You took a piss in 49 seconds flat.  It’s a new Olympic record.

These speedy pee-ers also cause a ripple effect of other etiquette issues.  Let me proceed.

The Sloppy Pee-er – Because you are in such a hurry to pee and exit, you ultimately end up leaving your pee droplets on the toilet seat.  This makes me throw up in my mouth every time I walk into the toilet stall.  I need to do a thorough inspection of the toilet seat before I can even sit down.  I’m amazed at the number of women that can’t seem to handle getting their pee inside the toilet, as opposed to on the seat.  Gross, isn’t that what men do?  Let’s say most of us in this building are 30-40 years old.  We’ve had substantial practice with this; we should be pros by now.

Which brings me to…

The Leave Behind – These people have done one good thing.  They’ve managed to not pee on the toilet seat.  But, that is because they added two seconds to their marathon time by putting down the paper seat cover.  Now I have mixed feelings about the seat cover.  I understand its purpose.  And it does serve a good purpose.  However, it’s just not for me.  It makes me uncomfortable.  Sort of like a seat belt.  It’s there for a good reason – to protect.  But, when I wear my seat belt I just end up feeling uncomfortable, I can’t settle in right, my driving is off.  That’s exactly how I feel when I sit on a paper toilet seat cover.  Then every time I move it crinkles….and then the pee makes a funny sound when it hits the center piece you push through…let’s not even discuss if you have to go #2…

I know, I know!  I should wear my seat belt, and I should use a seat cover.  But, I don’t.  Sue me.

Someone once said to me, “You’re such an anal person it really surprises me that you don’t use the seat cover.”

Yeah, it makes sense.  I am one hell of a Type A organized freak, but I don’t know, maybe I’m not as high maintenance as you all think.  I can drink beer and burp with the boys!

And, let me say, I fully support those of you that choose to use a seat cover.  It is actually more beneficial to me if you use one.  So use away…my beef lies solely with those people that in their race to be the fastest pee-er in the building they end up flushing and running (the Flush ‘n’ Run) so quickly that they either a.) don’t notice that the paper cover didn’t go down or b.) they simply don’t care that it didn’t go down.

So, now, when I go into the stall there sits your protective paper cover.  Now how is it protecting me if I have to touch your paper cover to flush it down the toilet?  Not to mention, sorry, but the thought of putting it in the toilet and then pee-ing on it just grosses me out.  (See above, I’m simply not comfortable with that.)

The Sloppy Seconds – These are the people that think just because they are in a public bathroom they don’t need to keep it tidy.  They splash water all over the sink, countertop and mirror.  They leave toilet paper bunches on the floor.  They put on make-up and spill pressed powder all over the countertop and just leave it.  They leave long strands of hair on the vanity.  They dump out food/drink items in the sink and don’t bother to run the water…which is especially crucial if they dump soup or cereal. There sits the left-over floaties in the sink.  I’ve also seen feminine products ON THE FLOOR, and once, I’m not even joking, a needle?!?  (We called maintenance in case you’re wondering.)  We all know how annoying it can be to clean up after the man in our lives who splashes water every where with no regard for who cleans up after him (one of the Oompa Loompas?)  Not to mention hair shavings, which he leaves, splattered about the sink…but that’s another post.

This is not a port-a-potty; this is an f’ing office bathroom.  Pretend it is your bathroom and keep it clean!  And if you are sloppy, you at least get an A++ for washing your hands.  If you’ve ever been in the stall and heard someone leave and not wash their hands (in my case it’s always one of the Flush ‘n’ Runners) you sit and wonder who in the hell that person was?  How many hands will they be touching the rest of the day?  Could they have forgotten to wash or do they wash at their desk with hand sanitizer – which does NOT cut it.

The Pooper – Obviously at some time in your life you are going to have to go #2 in a public restroom.  It’s inevitable – especially in my situation working in an office building with a shared public bathroom for 9 hours/day.  I have sympathy for the poopers.  But, Poopers, try to have sympathy for those around you.  We understand its life and it needs to be done, but very simply DO A COURTESY FLUSH!

The courtesy flush was a suggested add-in by my friend.  I’m personally not a huge fan of the courtesy flush.  I know where she is coming from, however, doing a courtesy flush on a commercial toilet is just no fun.  These toilets are built to flush down bricks!!! The massive amounts of water racing through the toilet bowl inevitably ends up on your ass.  You are doing a courtesy flush to be considerate to those other bathroom patrons, but at the same time, you end up hurting yourself!  Sorry, I’m selfish.  I would rather you smell my stinky poop than have my feces splashing up on my back side.  That’s just how I feel about it.

The Space Cadet – Almost as annoying as the Tortoise and the Hare is the Space Cadet pee-er.  This special pee-er is truly a joy to be around normally.  They are the happy-go-lucky person that always says “Good morning” and always has a smile on their face.  But, they are also the annoying person who comes into the bathroom singing and/or whistling every day.  My bathroom breaks are my precious personal time during my work day.  As I said above, I like to take my time.  I like to sit and relax.  I do some of my best thinking while on the toilet.  I’ve even been known to pray while on the porcelain throne.  I realize this may sound odd to some people, but the bathroom is normally a place of solace.  It is the one place you can go and be by yourself with your own thoughts – except in public.  So, when the happy-go-lucky pee-er comes into the bathroom singing and whistling as I am deep in my own thoughts I feel disrupted.  I don’t like to be disrupted while I’m doing my business.  This also gives me anxiety.  The bathroom is supposed to be a peaceful place.  Let’s keep it that way.

The Hanger-Outer – Well, I’m definitely the Hanger-Outer.  I like to take my time.  I kind of slither in…I pick my stall…I am in no hurry to do my business.  I like to sit there for a second and relish in my own thoughts.  Now, I have two points with the Hanger-Outer.  One thing that annoys me as the Hanger-Outer is when the Flush ‘n’ Runners come in and go even faster because they think I’m the Pooper.  No.  Just reeeelllaaaaxxx.  I can sit in the bathroom and take a time out.  It doesn’t mean I’m taking a dump!  It’s simply a little “me” time.

But, on the other hand, one of the most annoying pee-ers is the Hanger-Outer.  Luckily I have bathroom etiquette so I don’t break the “rules.”  The issue with the Hanger-Outer is they never leave.  They hang out.  They want to blow their nose, check their make-up, brush their teeth, have phone conversations (No, I don’t do that)…which is all fine and dandy, unless you have the Pooper in a stall waiting to do their biz.  They’re likely to get a little stage fright if you’re in there just hanging around.  In that case, run the water and do your primping as fast as possible.  Then get out so the Pooper can poop in peace!

And lastly…

The Almost in my Stall – The Almost in my Stall pee-er is by far the WORST of all of the above offenders!!!  You know this person.  This is the person that walks into a bathroom and sees 20 empty stalls but still – for some reason unbeknownst to any of us – chooses to enter the stall right next to you.

What the f*ck are you doing?

I will never EVER understand why this pee-er feels the need to pee right next to me?  Or worse yet poop?  Please understand, I like you.  I will say hi to you and talk to you.  But, please respect my privacy.  Please do not sit in the stall next to me.  This offense actually angers me.  When I’m sitting in the stall having my “me” time and someone walks in and comes into the stall next to me, you completely distract my attention and you actually raise my blood pressure.  Do you want to be responsible for my future heart attack?  I start thinking, “What is this person doing?”  “Why must this person sit next to me?”  “What is this person’s problem?”  “Does this person have no bathroom etiquette?”  If you’re going to break a rule, I would not choose this one.  In my research I find that this is everyone’s MOST annoying offense.  Which makes me wonder who is actually committing this faux pas? Hmm…

As with my other posts, I feel the need to be a concerned citizen and to clarify the appropriate bathroom rules.  Please respect them so we can all have a more enjoyable experience when using a public restroom.

And P.S., NONE of these rules apply when you are at a venue – like a Cubs game – in that case, it’s every man and woman for themselves!

Tags: , , , , , ,

Let’s Talk Bathroom Etiquette…

9 Apr

Photo courtesy of Yahoo Photos

I know all my bathroom talk is frank – and probably pretty gross – but the fact of the matter is we all go to the bathroom and at some time in our lives we will all be forced to use a public bathroom.  Nothing is more annoying than people lacking proper etiquette in this shared space.

For men, you just walk in, whip it out and do your biz in the urinal…obviously God is a man.  But, for ladies, this is a bit more of a production.

I work in an office building with a shared public bathroom for all employees in the building.  I know some of the ladies from other offices, but others, even though I’ve seen them around I don’t “know” them.  This is because they won’t say hello or even acknowledge my presence in the bathroom.  WTF?  I realize we’re in a bathroom, but when you walk in and I’m washing my hands why can’t you say hello? 

This one lady – she makes the effort to look at me every time.  And then she gives me a dirty look!  It pisses me off!  But, I take solace in the fact that not only am I cuter than her, but I’m obviously much nicer as well…

Some other issues I have:

The Tortoise and the Hare – These people drive me INSANE.  These are the people that time their bathroom breaks like they are running a marathon.  They literally marathon pee – they pee in a minute tops.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  What is your hurry?  I guess I pee more like the Tortoise.  I take my time…slow and steady.  These people that come in and pee ridiculously fast actually give me anxiety.  I don’t want to have to pop a Xanax every time I go to the bathroom because you’re in some crazy race with yourself to be the quickest pee-er in my office building.  Congratulations!  You took a piss in 49 seconds flat.  It’s a new Olympic record.

These speedy pee-ers also cause a ripple effect of other etiquette issues.  Let me proceed.

The Sloppy Pee-er – Because you are in such a hurry to pee and exit, you ultimately end up leaving your pee droplets on the toilet seat.  This makes me throw up in my mouth every time I walk into the toilet stall.  I need to do a thorough inspection of the toilet seat before I can even sit down.  I’m amazed at the number of women that can’t seem to handle getting their pee inside the toilet, as opposed to on the seat.  Gross, isn’t that what men do?  Let’s say most of us in this building are 30-40 years old.  We’ve had substantial practice with this; we should be pros by now.

Which brings me to…

The Leave Behind – These people have done one good thing.  They’ve managed to not pee on the toilet seat.  But, that is because they added two seconds to their marathon time by putting down the paper seat cover.  Now I have mixed feelings about the seat cover.  I understand its purpose.  And it does serve a good purpose.  However, it’s just not for me.  It makes me uncomfortable.  Sort of like a seat belt.  It’s there for a good reason – to protect.  But, when I wear my seat belt I just end up feeling uncomfortable, I can’t settle in right, my driving is off.  That’s exactly how I feel when I sit on a paper toilet seat cover.  Then every time I move it crinkles….and then the pee makes a funny sound when it hits the center piece you push through…let’s not even discuss if you have to go #2…

I know, I know!  I should wear my seat belt, and I should use a seat cover.  But, I don’t.  Sue me.

Someone once said to me, “You’re such an anal person it really surprises me that you don’t use the seat cover.”

Yeah, it makes sense.  I am one hell of a Type A organized freak, but I don’t know, maybe I’m not as high maintenance as you all think.  I can drink beer and burp with the boys!

And, let me say, I fully support those of you that choose to use a seat cover.  It is actually more beneficial to me if you use one.  So use away…my beef lies solely with those people that in their race to be the fastest pee-er in the building they end up flushing and running (the Flush ‘n’ Run) so quickly that they either a.) don’t notice that the paper cover didn’t go down or b.) they simply don’t care that it didn’t go down.

So, now, when I go into the stall there sits your protective paper cover.  Now how is it protecting me if I have to touch your paper cover to flush it down the toilet?  Not to mention, sorry, but the thought of putting it in the toilet and then pee-ing on it just grosses me out.  (See above, I’m simply not comfortable with that.)

The Sloppy Seconds – These are the people that think just because they are in a public bathroom they don’t need to keep it tidy.  They splash water all over the sink, countertop and mirror.  They leave toilet paper bunches on the floor.  They put on make-up and spill pressed powder all over the countertop and just leave it.  They leave long strands of hair on the vanity.  They dump out food/drink items in the sink and don’t bother to run the water…which is especially crucial if they dump soup or cereal. There sits the left-over floaties in the sink.  I’ve also seen feminine products ON THE FLOOR, and once, I’m not even joking, a needle?!?  (We called maintenance in case you’re wondering.)  We all know how annoying it can be to clean up after the man in our lives who splashes water every where with no regard for who cleans up after him (one of the Oompa Loompas?)  Not to mention hair shavings, which he leaves, splattered about the sink…but that’s another post.

This is not a port-a-potty; this is an f’ing office bathroom.  Pretend it is your bathroom and keep it clean!  And if you are sloppy, you at least get an A++ for washing your hands.  If you’ve ever been in the stall and heard someone leave and not wash their hands (in my case it’s always one of the Flush ‘n’ Runners) you sit and wonder who in the hell that person was?  How many hands will they be touching the rest of the day?  Could they have forgotten to wash or do they wash at their desk with hand sanitizer – which does NOT cut it. 

The Pooper – Obviously at some time in your life you are going to have to go #2 in a public restroom.  It’s inevitable – especially in my situation working in an office building with a shared public bathroom for 9 hours/day.  I have sympathy for the poopers.  But, Poopers, try to have sympathy for those around you.  We understand its life and it needs to be done, but very simply DO A COURTESY FLUSH! 

The courtesy flush was a suggested add-in by my friend.  I’m personally not a huge fan of the courtesy flush.  I know where she is coming from, however, doing a courtesy flush on a commercial toilet is just no fun.  These toilets are built to flush down bricks!!! The massive amounts of water racing through the toilet bowl inevitably ends up on your ass.  You are doing a courtesy flush to be considerate to those other bathroom patrons, but at the same time, you end up hurting yourself!  Sorry, I’m selfish.  I would rather you smell my stinky poop than have my feces splashing up on my back side.  That’s just how I feel about it.

The Space Cadet – Almost as annoying as the Tortoise and the Hare is the Space Cadet pee-er.  This special pee-er is truly a joy to be around normally.  They are the happy-go-lucky person that always says “Good morning” and always has a smile on their face.  But, they are also the annoying person who comes into the bathroom singing and/or whistling every day.  My bathroom breaks are my precious personal time during my work day.  As I said above, I like to take my time.  I like to sit and relax.  I do some of my best thinking while on the toilet.  I’ve even been known to pray while on the porcelain throne.  I realize this may sound odd to some people, but the bathroom is normally a place of solace.  It is the one place you can go and be by yourself with your own thoughts – except in public.  So, when the happy-go-lucky pee-er comes into the bathroom singing and whistling as I am deep in my own thoughts I feel disrupted.  I don’t like to be disrupted while I’m doing my business.  This also gives me anxiety.  The bathroom is supposed to be a peaceful place.  Let’s keep it that way.

The Hanger-Outer – Well, I’m definitely the Hanger-Outer.  I like to take my time.  I kind of slither in…I pick my stall…I am in no hurry to do my business.  I like to sit there for a second and relish in my own thoughts.  Now, I have two points with the Hanger-Outer.  One thing that annoys me as the Hanger-Outer is when the Flush ‘n’ Runners come in and go even faster because they think I’m the Pooper.  No.  Just reeeelllaaaaxxx.  I can sit in the bathroom and take a time out.  It doesn’t mean I’m taking a dump!  It’s simply a little “me” time. 

But, on the other hand, one of the most annoying pee-ers is the Hanger-Outer.  Luckily I have bathroom etiquette so I don’t break the “rules.”  The issue with the Hanger-Outer is they never leave.  They hang out.  They want to blow their nose, check their make-up, brush their teeth, have phone conversations (No, I don’t do that)…which is all fine and dandy, unless you have the Pooper in a stall waiting to do their biz.  They’re likely to get a little stage fright if you’re in there just hanging around.  In that case, run the water and do your primping as fast as possible.  Then get out so the Pooper can poop in peace!

And lastly…

The Almost in my Stall – The Almost in my Stall pee-er is by far the WORST of all of the above offenders!!!  You know this person.  This is the person that walks into a bathroom and sees 20 empty stalls but still – for some reason unbeknownst to any of us – chooses to enter the stall right next to you.

What the f*ck are you doing?

I will never EVER understand why this pee-er feels the need to pee right next to me?  Or worse yet poop?  Please understand, I like you.  I will say hi to you and talk to you.  But, please respect my privacy.  Please do not sit in the stall next to me.  This offense actually angers me.  When I’m sitting in the stall having my “me” time and someone walks in and comes into the stall next to me, you completely distract my attention and you actually raise my blood pressure.  Do you want to be responsible for my future heart attack?  I start thinking, “What is this person doing?”  “Why must this person sit next to me?”  “What is this person’s problem?”  “Does this person have no bathroom etiquette?”  If you’re going to break a rule, I would not choose this one.  In my research I find that this is everyone’s MOST annoying offense.  Which makes me wonder who is actually committing this faux pas? Hmm…

As with my other posts, I feel the need to be a concerned citizen and to clarify the appropriate bathroom rules.  Please respect them so we can all have a more enjoyable experience when using a public restroom.

And P.S., NONE of these rules apply when you are at a venue – like a Cubs game – in that case, it’s every man and woman for themselves!

Tags: , , , , , ,

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