Have you ever wished you could get DRUNK but still be a productive as you would be SOBER????
I heard this joke on the radio…and thought it was hilarious. Here’s my attempt at the joke…after a couple glasses of wine. LOL
What joke makes you crack up – but no one else seems to get it???
Inspiring isn’t a word that comes to my mind when I think of myself. This isn’t a slam at me; it’s really due to the fact that I see myself as more crazy than inspiring, i.e., more what not to do then what to do.
I’m accepting the Inspiring Blogger Award – presented to me by the lovely and ever sweet Menopausal Mother – with some deep thoughts here instead of following the usual guidelines. I’d like to give a quick shout out to Meno Mama who is a very sweet and encouraging blogger friend of mine. She also always gives me a good laugh when I read her blog – and omg, get this, she tried our buddy Alex’s sangria, too, and got seriously hammered. She wasn’t naked, but she’s still awesome, right? Check her out!
But back to the rules. The rules for accepting the Inspiring Blogger Award are as follows:
1. Display award image on your blog page
2. Link back to the person who nominated you
State 7 facts about yourself State what inspires you
15 5 others for this award
5. Notify said bloggers
I’m changing it up because you don’t need to read seven facts about me. You know pieces of me from reading my words so I don’t need to list it out for you. You want some facts…here we go; I have brown eyes, I’m left handed, one of my favorite TV shows is Three’s Company…
What I’d really like is for you to share with me what inspires YOU. Yes, you.
You reading this post. What inspires you each day?
What inspires me???? Bravery.
I don’t think of myself as a very brave person. I know some people think I’m brave because I put myself out there…I talk about my anxiety and the Postpartum I suffered from. I talk about not only the good things about life and motherhood but I also share with you the bad…things that hurt me and things I fear.
To me being brave is reaching for the stars without being afraid of failure. I am terrified of so many things. Remember New York? Luckily I’m working to improve. I want to get to a place where I can be fearless about my writing.
I got this post on my Facebook page recently: I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.
It was followed up with a chapter from a book. These words are still dancing around in my head. It’s like I get it, but I don’t get it.
The note on the front is my favorite (even better written on an infamous post-it): You ARE a great writer. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. Take Chances! Love you-Aunt.
So let’s inspire each other. Here’s some of my inspiration:
- ~Carly at Thirty Something Fashion has inspired me to try RED lipstick! What do you think?
~Chantell at Miss Understood has inspired me to not let anxiety bring me down.
~Morgan at The Inklings of Life has inspired me to be the kind of mom I feel I need to be and not let others determine how I raise my daughter.
~Katie at The Intrinsic Writer has inspired me to step away from only reading chick-lit. Not that there is anything wrong with chick-lit, but I recently picked up Animal Farm and had a great read. If only in high school you knew how great the classics are!
~Jen at Rumpy Dog has inspired me to not give up on those who need a voice.
Thank you to these lovely bloggers and thank you Menopausal Mother for this wonderful award. You, too, inspire me!
I’m also proud to accept another award I’ve received. A big thank you to Chantell at Miss Understood for presenting me with The Sunshine Award. Chantell has had a hard couple of months, and I am so proud of her for standing up, dusting herself off and jumping back in the saddle! Wait, is that a cow girl reference? Because that’s just weird.
Now onto the rules.
1. Post this award on your blog site.
10 5 fellow bloggers.
10 5 questions.
For the sake of not losing you all I decided to cut the questions from ten to five…so here we go.
1. Do you watch TV and if so, what are your favorite shows?
First of all, who in the hell isn’t watching TV?? Uh yes, I watch TV. A lot of reality TV. I’m getting stupider…or is that more stupid…by the second. Here’s what I watch: Kardashians, Teen Mom, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, The Rancic’s, Bethenny (my new love). Oh yeah, and Pretty Little Liars.
2. How much time do you spend blogging?
Way too much time until Concrete Boots is published.
3. What food can you absolutely not eat?
If I was stuck on a deserted island and I had to choose between eating you and eating salmon I’m sorry to say but I would eat you. (Remember I have a fish phobia).
4. If you could go anywhere for a week’s vacation, where would you go?
ITALY!! I gotta go meet my brethren.
5. What is your dream job?
My dream job would be to sell my book, be on the New York Times Best Seller List and then from that get a speaking gig where I can travel the world and speak to people on all my knowledge. (Hilarious, right? They said dream so there you have it.)
And now for my fellow nominees:
Each one of these bloggers puts a on my face for many different reasons! Check them out.
I am a firm believer in vitamins. I feel like prescription medications are often over prescribed and over taken. I don’t claim to be an expert; however, I thought I would share my daily vitamin intake with you for a couple of reasons.
1. My friends always ask me for vitamin recommendations because they know I strongly believe in taking vitamins on a daily basis.
2. I recently began reading a blog a gal writes on her struggles with giving up alcohol and the death of her father. She shares her struggles with depression/anxiety and staying sober. She doesn’t want to be on any kind of anxiety medication but is suffering from disruptive panic attacks. I’ve never suffered from panic attacks, but I do suffer from social anxiety. In a recent post she asked readers for suggestions on different supplements to take to ease her symptoms. When responding to her I got to thinking – maybe others wonder this too?
I was on Prozac after the birth of the Chiquita when I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression. I give my doctors a big F as in fail when it came to my treatment because they left me out in the middle of the ocean lying on a piece of wood like Rose in Titanic. I knew something was wrong. I knew I wasn’t improving, and I continued to reach out for help. My doctor’s answer (yes, THIS doctor) was to continue to increase my Prozac.
Increase, increase, increase…more of anything is the recipe for success. Right? WRONG! Each time my meds were increased the more depressed and anxious I became. I was getting worse – going from not just wishing for God to take me in my sleep but actually driving on I355 and imagining my Mercedes-Benz smashed into the concrete barrier. Bam. It’s over. Relief….
This went on for months. When I hit rock bottom I fired all my doctors. I went off all prescription medication*. Cold turkey. That’s it. No more meds. *This is not recommended. It’s what I had to do for myself at the time to try to regain some control, but this approach can backfire.
My mom is a big believer in vitamins and supplements and urged me to at least – if nothing else – begin a vitamin regimen. This is not expert opinion or advice. I’m simply sharing with you what is now working for me to keep my depression/anxiety under control. I am now taking a small dose of Prozac which has helped to take the ‘edge’ off a bit. In addition to Prozac I also take these vitamins on a daily basis:
Fish oil is a good source of Omega-3 fatty acids and a lot of research shows that fish oil supplements may help ease symptoms of depression. See Mayoclinic.com.
This fish oil is to be taken twice a day – preferably one in the AM and one in the PM. I’m not sure why, but I was told it works better in your body when taken at different times as opposed to taking two in the AM.
One thing many people complain about when taking fish oil is that you can burp up a nasty fish taste. This brand I am sharing with you has a yummy orange taste – you can even chew them – but I do not.
After I quit all my medication I went to The Fruitful Yield for advice on vitamins/supplements to take to help ease my depression/anxiety symptoms.
On the weekends The Fruitful Yield has a licensed nutritionist on staff to answer any questions you have. I went on a Saturday, found the nutritionist and said, “I have Post Partum Depression. I’ve gone off all my medication. Tell me what to buy.”
This product was one that she recommended. Co-Enzyme Vitamin B supports a positive mood and improves energy. See Wellness Resources.com.
There are different forms of B-Vitamins and Co-Enzyme includes all of the Bs, which are B1, B2, B3, B5, B6 and B12.
I have actually recommended this product to a few people who now take this vitamin on a daily basis. I find that if I skip a day of Co-Enzyme B I am lethargic the next day. I definitely notice an increase in energy while on this supplement.
Vitamin D deficiency, the result of low vitamin D intake and poor sun exposure, has been linked to depression and Type 2 diabetes. See article here.
Here is some research on the daily recommended doses of vitamin D from The Mayo Clinic.
Because I’m vitamin D deficient and I do suffer from depression/anxiety I take at least one vitamin (2,000 IUs) each day to be sure I’m getting an adequate dose.
From Mayo Clinic: For mood disorders, 400-800 IU daily or 100,000 IU weekly has been taken by mouth for up to one month to improve symptoms of depression associated with seasonal affective disorder.
When I went off all my medication I was struggling with feelings of being overwhelmed at all times. One task in front of me left me feeling as if I was drowning in ‘things to do’. I found during this time that my anxiety was more prevalent than I had known.
I often had a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach and dreaded to leave the house unless I was going to familiar places…work, my grocery store, my mall, my Dunkin Donuts, etc. Going anywhere out of the ordinary made me extremely anxious and sick to my stomach.
The nutritionist at The Fruitful Yield explained that I absolutely had to get this supplement. She compared it to anti-anxiety meds and said that she often used this to control her own anxiety symptoms.
You can take one Vcap 1 to 2 times daily as needed. I like the ‘as needed’ because you don’t have to take it every day. You can simply take it when you’re feeling stressed or anxious.
Maybe it’s nothing honestly? Who knows. When I opted to go back on Prozac – a much smaller dose this time – I’ve not felt the need to take this as often anymore. I showed it to my new shrink who gave me the OK to take it with the Prozac.
I sort of had the feeling she was laughing inside since I know most doctors strongly believe in pharmaceuticals and don’t like their patients opting for “natural” methods. But, maybe she wasn’t. Maybe it was my anxiety. Either way, even if it’s all in my head, when I have that feeling like I want to crack skulls (thank you for that aphorism, Bethenny Frankel) I take one tablet and I feel better!
Please use the comments section to let me know of any vitamins/supplements that have helped you with depression/anxiety. There are other things I can recommend, like this Goji which I used to drink to help balance my hormones….
But, the above four vitamins/supplements I gave you are what I do take and recommend. Feel free to ask me any questions – I can give you responses on how these products affect me, however, PLEASE be sure to seek medical consulting before taking any and all vitamins/supplements with your physician.
I’m like a Real Housewife except I don’t want this drama! I’m not on a reality TV show, I’m not rich and I’m just not that exciting.
But drama always seems to fall into my lap. Maybe it’s because I’m sensitive? Or reactive? Or Italian?
Some time ago I took on a writing coach. I wrote briefly about him; how I felt so
professional cool saying “my writing coach”. My relationship with my writing coach was short-lived.
Let me start at the beginning.
I found him on Craig’s List in August. We agreed to meet at Panera Bread. I did check him out and he seemed legit.
He texts he’s running a bit late.
I text: I am here, seated right when u come in, pink laptop [side note: you know I have a pink laptop.]
He comes in a bit flustered and doesn’t look anything like I had imagined, but really how often does that happen where the person looks exactly as you envisioned?
He apologizes for running late. “I wanted to catch a ride with my mom, and I had to wait for her to put her make-up on.”
“Um…OK,” I respond; wondering things like does he have a car? Does he live in his mother’s basement?
My second thought was: I’m pretty sure he’s gay. Which is fine. You know how I love the gays.
We get to work, and I have to say he taught me many great things worthy of my money for that afternoon. By the end I was even fond of him.
At one point his mother came up to our table. She was this adorable tiny older lady. She reminded me of a Golden Girl. She was definitely a Blanche. Her make-up was flawless. Her silver hair was pulled up in a beautiful bun with wispy pieces falling by her eyes. I thought, Wow, this is what I’m going to look like when I’m old! No running around in curlers and robes for me…
He introduces me. Mom and I shake hands and she eyes me telling me its soooo nice to meet me. Emphasizing the so.
“Very nice to meet you, too.”
I wondered what she was thinking. Probably that I’m a nice and pretty girl and she wished her son would take a liking to me. Everyone loves an Italian girl!
We wrap up and agree to meet again.
The next day, Sunday, he texts me: nice meeting you! Did you sign into LinkedIn yet?
Me: You too! No I can’t get anything done at home. Will try to tonite or tomorrow.
WC [Writing Coach]: Ok! Wrote all weekend…tired but in a good way.
Me: Awesome! Good job! I’m jealous.
WC: Need 500 word by tomorrow 9am!! An early morning writing session, I think!
And that’s how it began.
Numerous texts and emails back and forth. I sent WC a couple chapters of my book. He loved what I had but also gave me constructive criticism. I was beyond thrilled. Like the time I was interviewed and suddenly saw myself at the Oscars, my mind again went racing.
He was like the perfect BFF and I’ve always wanted a gay BFF, I mean, all the celebs have one! So I started referring to him as my GBFF. I’d send my girls an email: So GBFF is home watching All My Children right now. Oh my God, he’s soo gay, and I’m soo lucky to have a gay BFF!
The girls were equally excited because when you’re married there is nothing better than a gay BFF. You have someone to shop with, you get a man’s opinion on your shoes/outfit/hair/make-up and yet there is no drama – you don’t have to worry about any sex happening. They are always painfully honest but without getting into trouble. If your husband told you that you should put more Vitamin A on that stretch mark you’d probably break his face. But, if your GBFF tells you – OMG, you better fucking listen!
I mean, it’s seriously perfection.
The texting fun continues – and I love that it’s all so innocent! I mean, he’s my GBFF right?!?
WC: Clearing my desk for labor day weekend—getting up early—coffee, writing, pool and reruns of murder she wrote
WC: Plus shopping!
Me: Sounds perfecto!
WC: Writing now & watching general hospital…jax is back in town!
WC: Ha ha!
[I mean, dude is totally gay right?????]
The girls are pressing me for what GBFF looks like. They are imagining Bethenny’s wedding planner.
This is when shit gets weird.
Me: BTW are you on FB?
WC: No…LinkedIn is enuf!
WC: Do you want me to look you up?
WC: On Fb?
Me: Lol! [FYI, if I ever don’t know how to respond to a text I write LOL, so if you know me and get that text from me….ummm….I don’t know what you’re talking about.]
WC: Naked, drunk or other compromising pics?
WC: Like Prince Harry!!!
[I’m reading the first text, then the smiley face, and thinking wtf, where is he going with this? I’m so confused. Then when he follows up with Prince Harry (who had just had the naked Vegas scandal) so I was like OMG, of course GBFF has seen Harry’s toosh!]
Me: lol lol no! [Still a bit confused]
Me: My friends wanted to see a pic of my “writing coach”.
WC: Check your email
[WC sends me an [financial] article he was interviewed for which included a picture of him.]
Me: great article! Wayyy over my head! Nic pic too!!
WC: Of course I can do the “tee-shirt, jeans and clogs with messy hair and stubble”, if that’s what the “client” wants—what are your girlfriends “into”??
[Ok, What. The. Fuck. I don’t respond because I’m like really confused at this point. My brain is going – wait, is GBFF not gay? I’m really confused right now. 10 minutes later – with no response from me – WC texts.]
WC: Just joking!!!
[Here’s me…Phew…he’s only joking! But still a little like wtf I respond Hahaha instead of my usual LOL for ‘seriously what the fuck are you talking about’.]
WC: If the “client” wants me to look ½ way between a vampire and a fireman, well, I think I can do that too…
[OK what is with all this quoting of “client”….what is going on right now? Now I’m freaking out. I’m perspiring. I don’t think GBFF is gay. I run to the bathroom. I email the girls. We are all in agreement that shit just got weird. Really weird.]
Because I have no idea what to say I finally respond: Did I offend you? I’m confused.
WC: No! I’m joking! I sometimes feel like a male hooker when I tutor—like you…you’re a hot housewife…I come in and you pass me cash…we have our talk…
WC: I move on to the next…I feel like a “high priced call girl” at times. My guy friends are envious of my job.
[If that shit doesn’t have you going wtf….]
WC: Just a joke! Like asking “what’s your genre?”
WC: Some of these ladies are into erotica so then I guess I dress like a fireman or something for them…and I read their “stories”. What a job!
OK, let this “hot” housewife get this off my back. I’m gonna get ghetto here, so imagine me saying this in my black girl voice.
Who in the fuck do you think you are calling me 1. A “hot” housewife like that’s all I am, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I am a full time office manager.
2. I did not write a “story” – I wrote a fucking novel and this fucking novel is going to sell and get turned into a Lifetime movie complete with Rob Lowe playing the antagonist and a “hot” housewife – Katie Holmes anyone? – playing me.
3. I am not sitting in a basement writing some make-believe erotica story because I am some bored housewife looking for attention and desperately craving sex. Further, please repeat #2, I did not write some little fucking story…I wrote a book mother fucker. This book is going to be a best seller. Fucking Oprah is going to be talking about this shit.
4. Dressing up in Batman, fireman costumes and reading these stories, what the fuck are you talking about? This is the craziest shit I’ve ever heard! I’m beyond confused right now and
a little a lot offended.
5. This is serious shit to me. I did not hire you because I was looking for anything other than help with my writing. I never in any way suggested otherwise.
6. Maybe this is a game…to him and his mom….maybe they scour Craig’s List looking for attractive young girls to take advantage of! They wanted to lure me to their home and kill me, Oh my God! Like the Bates Motel!
7. I’ve never felt so demeaned in my whole life….I finally say as I break down in tears.
No more ghetto, I’m actually crying and saying how serious I am about my book, and now I will never know if he even really liked my book or if the whole time he was just trying to get in my pants dressed up as fucking Elmo or some shit.
I traded a few texts with WC after, but knew I could never trust him again. I’ve not searched for another writing coach, and I’ve not worked on my book after that. I know I need to get back to it and not be dramatic and feel sorry for myself, but the whole experience just left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Like who the fuck does this happen to, I don’t even get it?
My friends and I did have a laugh about it while sipping cocktails as my girl said, “When don’t you have drama? That’s crazy!”
Our favorite Brat-packer starred in the Lifetime Original Movie Prosecuting Casey Anthony, which premiered on Saturday, January 19, 2013. I sat down to watch this movie thinking it would really entice me because 1. I am interested in Casey Anthony’s bazaar and mysterious story and 2. I was excited that Rob Lowe was to be acting in another Lifetime docudrama. If you recall, Rob Lowe also played our favorite narcissistic big dicked cop, Drew Peterson, in Lifetime’s Drew Peterson: Untouchable.
While part of the Drew Peterson movie was laughable, it was at least interesting. Prosecuting Casey Anthony was a snooze fest at best. I felt that Rob Lowe’s lackluster performance was missing the heart that I expected to see; his character felt cold and clinical…or maybe that’s how prosecutor Jeff Ashton is in real life.
My husband said, “I wonder if his wife is really that hot or if they just picked a hot chick for the sake of the movie.” Hmm, let’s research.
He did write a best-selling book titled Imperfect Justice: Prosecuting Casey Anthony, upon which this movie is based. I haven’t yet read it, but one review (found on Amazon) says: I would absolutely say this is a must read if you are at all still interested in this case.
Just wondering, has anyone else read it?
One performance I did enjoy was that of character actor – and Chicago native! - Kevin Dunn. His performance drew me in – I wanted to sob with him and give him a big hug despite always questioning how George Anthony could remain so calm in court when accusations of molesting his daughter arose.
If I ever made up some bullshit like that [not that I'm saying she made it up] – my dad would have jumped off his seat and beat my ass inside that courtroom. And yes, even at 22 years old.
Also starring in this movie – which I was pleasantly surprised about – is The Office star Oscar Nunez. Nunez stars as Casey Anthony’s attorney Jose Baez. I love this dude, but unfortunately while watching a supposedly inexperienced attorney win a murder case I couldn’t help recalling this disturbing movie clip:
Sadly I find Lifetime movies starring Tori Spelling to be more entertaining, but as I’ve said before any Lifetime movie is a good one to watch while scarfing down McDonald’s and nursing a hangover on the couch.
One surprise I wasn’t aware of: Casey Anthony posted a video diary of herself in January 2012???
So strange and had me thinking of Nancy Grace’s famous quote on the controversial verdict:
“The devil is dancing tonight.”
Do you ever wonder what happens to all the trees sitting in parking lots that are never picked to be a family’s Christmas tree?
I started to imagine the trees getting really sad…asking each other “What’s wrong with me that I wasn’t picked?” Or “Mommy, am I too fat?” Or others wishing they could have been beautiful just one time.
I ended up getting really sad.
Not sure if you caught Lifetime’s Original Movie Liz & Dick, which premiered on November 25, 2012, but if you didn’t I highly recommend catching a repeat.
I found this movie, which is based on a true story of the tumultuous love affair between Elizabeth Taylor (played by Lindsay Lohan) and Richard Burton (played by Grant Bowler) to be equally entertaining and frustrating.
The highly anticipated Liz & Dick was to be a comeback role for troubled former child star Lohan. Of being cast as Taylor, Lindsay said, “I have always admired and had enormous respect for Elizabeth Taylor. She was not only an incredible actress but an amazing woman as well. I am very honored to have been asked to play this role.”
Unfortunately, 4 days after the movie opened to less than stellar reviews Lohan was arrested for an alleged New York City nightclub brawl. Lohan’s seventh arrest came just after a recent sit down with US Weekly about her plans to stay on the “straight-and-narrow”.
Poor poor LindsLo. I’m serious. I actually really like Lindsay Lohan, and I feel like her crazy parents have royally f*cked her. She started out as a brilliant actress – remember The Parent Trap? Freaky Friday? Mean Girls????
But because her mom, Dina, has spent the last ten or s0 years hitting the LA club scene with her daughter while dad, Michael, has done multiple stints in jail and rehab (did you catch him on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew? Yes….yes, I did.) this girl didn’t stand a chance in Hollywood.
Drinking, drugs, Porsche’s and lesbians = my kind of life BUT luckily for me my parents loved me more than money and therefore didn’t try to sell me to the first talent agency upon my acclaimed Burger King performance when I was 5.
But back to Liz & Dick. Let’s break it down…
#1 – Liz & Dick is a Lifetime movie (Sunday hangover channel)
#2 – LindsLo may be a train wreck, but she IS a good actress
#3 – Based on a true story (only the best kind of story)
#4 – Gives an inside look at the life of Dame Elizabeth Taylor
How could this movie be a fail?
As mentioned above, I found this movie to be both entertaining and frustrating. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the screen, but was at the same time yelling ‘why the hell can’t you two just get along?’ at the TV.
Referred to as a modern-day Romeo and Juliet, I was quite intrigued with a celeb romance I did not see splattered all over US Weekly since I wasn’t yet born at the time of Taylor and Burton’s infamous affair. I found myself questioning all my years of loyalty to Miss Marilyn Monroe, and wishing I’d read a biography or two on Dame Taylor as well.
I found LindsLo’s portrayal of the beautiful, complex and legendary actress – who also happened to be a businesswoman and an AIDS and HIV activist – to be quite endearing, as if they share a vulnerability that is cursed by fame and self-loathing. And I do think Lohan emulated Taylor more than the critics believed…
The most unfortunate part of the movie, however, was the chemistry between LindsLo and leading man Grant Bowler. The fighting parts were believable, but the making love parts were like gag me. I kept wondering if Bowler was kissing Lohan thinking, “Does she have Herpes?”
I did enjoy this movie, but I’m pretty easy to please. I loved Lifetime’s other infamous movie featuring our favorite big dicked Bolingbrook cop Drew Peterson. A sucker for based on a true story” flicks especially featuring famous people I knew there was no way I would not not like this movie.
However, because I knew I would be doing a write-up for my readers I did screen it with an open mind. I would definitely watch it again – if for no other reason than to see Liz’s big [gorgeous] rock Burton bought for her “pudgy” fingers.
My favorite parts were when Liz and Dick were being interviewed….at that time I found them to be charming, realistic and heart wrenching. And how could you not tear up when at the end it was revealed that Elizabeth kept all of Richard’s letters until her death? Omg, a true love story.
Did you catch Liz & Dick? What did you think?
It’s been a while since I’ve written something real, something raw. Since the Post Partum Depression I’ve been trying to be upbeat. I kind of went with the mentality ‘fake it till you make it’. It’s not like everything has been a lie. I am happy and I am doing well, but lately…
Honestly lately has been a struggle. A real struggle. I sat to write this after a morning of hearing “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy…” incessantly (think Stewie in Family Guy even down to me saying ‘What’ and the Chiquita saying ‘Hi’) followed by tantrums galore.
I know this is part of parenthood but I found myself in the shower thinking I just want 5 minutes of silence followed by anger that my husband is at work every God forsaken Saturday leaving me to care for our spirited toddler alone to a depression that I haven’t felt for a long time with these overwhelming feelings sadness and pure defeat. “I can’t do it today.”
When this first came on I adopted the ‘fake it till you make it’ mentality – I can do this; I’m a good mom! Yet the feelings weren’t subsiding. I wasn’t alarmed though because due to my PMDD (see Reason #26 Why I’m Crazy) I usually feel a little down for about one week out of the month. During those hard weeks I see my counselor, I journal (journaling is a great outlet and I recommend it to anyone who struggles with a lot of “feelings”), I run, and I give myself a break. I love myself just a little more; I treat myself to a latte. I also don’t drink during this time while my hormones go crazy because let’s be honest, alcohol would just make me act more like a lunatic (see Just Stop Talking).
With my lovely gift of PMDD I’m used to heightened anxiety and feelings of self-loathing once a month, but when it stretched on for weeks I knew something was wrong. My demons had been stirring – trying to get out and break my spirit and I would say that they succeeded because I’m broken today. I’m not in need of an oil change, but like a whole new engine at this point. I noticed it last night when I was out with some friends. I sat there not feeling like myself. Even staring off a bit. ‘Fake it till you make it’.
Where did this come from?
There has been a bit of stress I can attribute this to. As I always say big Italian families are great and blended families are a true testament of patience and love, but that doesn’t mean it all runs smoothly like a well-oiled machine. There have been a number of instances in the last month which have had me questioning my entire being; which have brought on those old feelings of me wanting to flee. Only this time I wanted to take the Chiquita and just run.
Out of respect for my loved ones I can’t share the details but being the sensitive soul that I am I’ve been crushed, and I’m struggling to overcome the fear, hurt and anger. Never being one who is good at letting things go here it has festered inside me until I finally cracked this morning.
Looking at my innocent and happy daughter I thought she doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve me. I made that horrible call to my doctor to say that something is wrong and that I’m not getting better. I feel like a failure, but this doesn’t just hurt me now. I have an innocent child to protect and love. We raised my medication slightly. I guess just so I can get myself back on track, which I will. I’ve had a lot of hurt in my life but I’m not going to let it bring me down. We all have something and this is the battle God gave me to fight.
Why am I sharing this today?
After the Post Partum Depression I was honestly sick of myself so I can only imagine how my loved ones felt. Scared, frustrated, annoyed, worried? The old-age “Why can’t she just be happy?” After a bit of that judgment I decided to suffer in silence. I knew what I needed to do, and I would do it. Without everyone’s opinions.
Today I realized why I haven’t been writing.
I haven’t been writing because I didn’t want to lie to my readers. I wanted to share this with you in case another mom is out there struggling. Or not even a mom – just anyone who may be out there struggling. Please stay strong as I am and know that this too shall pass.