Tag Archives: Cubs

Dream Big Follow-Up

7 May

On April 4th I posted the article Dream Big to share some of my goals and dreams with you. I promised to be back in one month to let you all know how I was doing…I did post once in between (I couldn’t not post about Foxy Knoxy). Click here for Jlee’s Review – Amanda Knox Speaks; a Diane Sawyer Exclusive.

So, here’s where we’re at (side note: as I type that I’m like, wow, I feel like I’m sitting down with my teacher to discuss a progress report…scary):

Let me start with the GREAT news! I was able to get Safari by Jlee’s wine glasses placed in a local store! Safari by Jlee is launched. :D

Safari-by-jlee

Logo by IT Article

Safari by Jlee wine glasses are available for purchase at The Clothes Attic’d in Naperville, IL. I’ve written about Clothes Attic’d before…remember my post Hello does my butt look good in these jeans? I am so honored and excited to be working with Jen, the wonderful owner of Clothes Attic’d. Please do check out her store and ‘Like’ Clothes Attic’d on Facebook. :)

My work on Concrete Boots has been slow but its improved. I’ve written a synopsis of my novel and shared it with a couple of friends for feedback. It’s been edited twice, and I’m awaiting one more round of feedback. I started my letter to the publishers….and I don’t know what to say other than I’m struggling to sell myself in a one-page document.

It’s like a resume. Except you go through your whole job life being told that resumes get tossed into recycle left and right…send out 5 resumes for 1 to be viewed…that kind of stuff. With this I feel such a sense of urgency and perfectionism. Like they have to read it, they have to like it, they have to want it. I don’t have time to be thrown aside. I keep telling myself it will sell because I do believe it will!

I’ve started training for my 1/2 marathon, which is on July 21st. Training is going slow…I’m at 3 miles and there are days I feel like dying. Omg, 13.1 miles?!? But, I refuse to give up. I’m going to do it. This weekend I’m up to four miles….Eek.

I’ve also been reading the book “A Place of Yes: 10 Rules for Getting Everything You Want Out of Life” by Bethenny Frankel. You know Bethenny is my new obsession. I am completely obsessed with her. Sorry, G [Giuliana Rancic for newbie readers], you’re still my bestie, but currently I am in major like with Bethenny.

bethenny-frankel-a-place-of-yes

Anyways, this book has literally changed my life, and I highly recommend it. Bethenny has a way of writing like she is actually speaking TO YOU. I feel like we are sitting down drinking Skinnygirl Margaritas … I read and I’m all “If Bethenny can do it so can I!”

It’s very empowering, and I’d like to share more on why but I can’t at this time. I will though when the time is right. I’ve hit a rough patch but I’m staying positive and continuing to move forward on my goals.

I think that about catches you up on the last month of Jlee’s life. Tomorrow is my 34th birthday so let me share a fun photo from last year’s b-day trip to the Cubs game!

Celebrating my 33rd birthday at the Cubs game with dear friends last year.

Celebrating my 33rd birthday at the Cubs game with dear friends last year.

I am doing a Cubs outing this year but with work and babies schedules aren’t allowing us to go until the end of the month. I will share pics then.

I hope you all have had a great month! I’m going to take the next month to continue my work on Concrete Boots, but I will post occasionally if I can! Thanks for the support and Happy Mother’s Day to all my Mom readers and friends. xx

Tags: , , , , ,

#4: Get to Know ~ “The Wingman” James Holeva

10 Jan

“The Wingman” James Holeva and I “met” via Twitter. I checked out some info on him and thought he was a pretty sexy and interesting guy. Since I do have several male readers and really cool chick readers I knew that you guys would definitely want me to introduce you to this ladies man.

I’m so excited to have had the honor to interview this talented up-and-comer because I can assure you in no time at all he will be walking the red carpet, the next George Clooney, with a different hottie on his arm at every event.

While I have aspirations of walking the red carpet, see I Owe It All To Poop, I would never be the girl on “The Wingman’s” arm because let’s just face it, I’m totally not cool enough. And I’ve never been titty-f*cked and don’t think I’d ever want to be. It sounds painful. Does that make me a prude?

Well, don’t read on if you are a prude because this interview is Rated R. For those of you interested in testing your sexual prowess keep reading….and for my Chi-town readers “The Wingman” is having a live show this weekend — flyer below!

promo shot hat

What made you decide to not only write but to publish The Wingman Chronicles?
I figured it would get me a lot of ass, and make me a lot of money, and ass and money are what life is about. Relax I’m half-joking. Honestly I heard about Sex and the City when I was in high school and I thought how cool would it be to read something like that but from the guy’s perspective. I looked everywhere for something like that but couldn’t find it, so I had to write it myself. I always felt my life was a movie, show, book etc. and write what I know. I remember I had an English teacher Mrs. Kelleher in high school and her saying to the class about writers and fiction, and how nobody’s life is that interesting, and raising my hands and telling her my life is, and she said, you should write about it. And I was like, I have been. I don’t think she knew at the time it would be quite as filthy but like I said, I write what I know, and I write it the way I’d want to read it.

Wingman1

How long did it take you to recount your sex-capades in your autobiography? Were there any stories you just couldn’t share or did you really put it all out there?
Well like they say in music you have your whole life to write your first album so it was a situation of that. I’m a fast writer but the first story of the book was written in August of 2008, and then I would write a story here and there, then in September of 2009 I started writing a column called The Wingman Chronicles for Northeastern PA. arts & entertainment weekly The Weekender so I compiled a lot of ideas I drew from there, then kept going. It was on and off while I was working on many other things but the actual spurts of writing were very quick. Recounting the stories is easy—one thing I have going for me is although I may pretend I don’t know a lot of girls I don’t want to talk to I actually remember just about everything I’ve experienced, and I’m talking about exact conversations, what was said, how the word was said, and this goes back to being a little kid. It’s not an autobiography, it’s an autobiographical novel so there is some fiction thrown in. I originally was going to go the memoir route until the last minute but I planned for this to be a series and had some fictional ideas for the future books so I wanted to keep my options opened creatively. The book is 90 percent completely true, and the other 10 percent based on true experiences and true feelings, with some fiction mixed in. A lot of the stuff the reader will be like “this is so fucked up, this can’t be true,” it probably is true, and some of the fictional parts are actually the most personal to me. I pretty much put it all out there, and the next book will go deeper.

How do women respond to you knowing you may write about your adventures with them? How do you handle any criticism?
They go out of their way to try to do crazy shit that will get them in the book. All I could say is stay the fuck away from my ass, and stop trying to pee on me. As for criticism I used to let it get to me but I’ve learned you can’t please everybody, and when you do this kind of work any reaction is good reaction. So it’s a combination of ignoring and taking every chance I get to call a cunt a cunt. I think all the kids out there should do the same thing.

You created and star in “The Wingman” a TV pilot currently being shopped to networks…maybe the next Sex and the City? How do you like acting?
Yes, I see it as a male version in many ways, and I see it being very close to the book. In fact, I wanted the book to feel like the reader is watching a show on DVD or Netflix and the chapters to be like episodes. You could watch, in this case read, one episode at a time, or a few, or go right through the whole season like I do when I find a new show I like. I love acting, and have always wanted to act. In fact, while writing I get up and act the dialogue out to make sure it feels right.

Check out the trailer for the pilot here.

Which actress would you love to work with?
A couple who pop out are Scarlett Johansson, who I see as perfect for the Noelle character from the book, and Gina Gershon who would be great to play a character in the sequel.

Gina Gershon

Gina Gershon

You also have a debut album coming out and a radio show! How do you do it all and what do you envision for your future?
I recorded a comedy album last year, and it should be out soon. It’s going to be called “Bedrooms, Backseats and Bathroom Stalls.” The recording went awesome and really has the live experience I try to give in my shows, and wanted it to have. I think sometimes albums come off very rehearsed but my show is very interactive and crazy, I do a lot of crowd work, I do the #askwingman Q & A portion of the show where I answer sex, dating, relationship and creepin’ questions on-stage and I wanted that live energy to really come out and I think we got that. I did a syndicated weekly radio segment “Wingman Wednesday” originating on 97 BHT from 2008-2011 and that was a blast. I had to be toned down since it was a top 40 section but it went very well, and I’d answer dating and creepin’ questions every week. I’m hustling constantly and always have a ton of ideas going on. And more than half the time is spent on the business end of it all but it’s what it takes. I envision myself of course writing and starring in my own TV series, writing and starring in movies… comedy/drama, doing great work, more of The Wingman Chronicles book series, writing other books of other genres, world tour, playing Madison Square Garden, and also have other TV series and scripts… Both for me to act in, and stuff I wrote with other people in mind. And in the short term keep writing, and touring, trying to go everywhere. My book is doing well all over the world and I want all my fans to have the chance to come see me live. Yeah, I have a few plans.

Let’s talk breasts since you’ve seen a lot….big, small? Real, fake? How’s your motorboat skills?
I don’t like real tits, I don’t like fake tits, I like great tits. How they got that way is none of my concern. I don’t order dinner at a restaurant and go into the kitchen and ask the chef. What exactly did you put in this sauce, are the spices natural, is it gluten free? I just slop that up. Same with tits, which is why my motorboat skills are top notch. It’s all about the passion and the nipple sucking. However having a huge cock and all I do prefer to titty-fuck. The best part about it is keeping a girl in suspense about where I’ll blow my load.

Do you have a background in journalism/writing/communications? What would you be doing if you weren’t starting a “Wingman” brand?
Yes I do. I was a journalist for six years writing primarily sports features but a little bit of everything, from game stories, to entertainment, and some hard news. I also had a ski column “The White Stuff” (and no, I didn’t even name it), before I had my sex column “The Wingman Chronicles.” Hmm… If I wasn’t starting “The Wingman” brand I’d be working on another writing, acting or comedy related project but otherwise I’d be pursuing journalism actively or working in marketing/public relations… If it was something completely different I’d be a lawyer. You’ll see in my book I have a solid legal background, learned primarily from watching Ally McBeal and Boston Legal.

Being a native to New York I’m sure you’ve been to The Sex Museum? What was your favorite exhibit?
I’m actually a native to Clarks Summit, PA, but live in New York City now. My favorite exhibit would have to be the bathroom. Me, sex museum, horny girls… I kind of was the exhibit. Don’t worry I’m thinking about merchandising replica hard-eights.

What is your drink of choice?
Diet coke… I live on that. Alcoholic drinks is what I’m sure you actually mean and lately either Vodka Tonic or Vodka Cranberry. I used to be big into Sugar Free Red Bull and Vodka but lately the majority of my drinking is at shows, a little bit before and during, and then primarily after and I’m already amped enough from the performance so I don’t need more caffeine.

Who is your favorite sports team? Be careful…you’re talking to a lifelong Cubs fan!
Well I’m more about watching a good game in general. Baseball is by far my favorite sport to watch, but I would have to say the Phillies.

Any words of wisdom for Jlee’s readers?
Read my book, come see me live, follow me on twitter… If you’re a hot girl let me spank you on-stage, sign your tits and ass. Don’t use an endless amount of coupons in line in front of me at the grocery store. Every time you cockblock you’re not helping your friends, you’re making them hate you, and most of all don’t ever let anybody stifle your adventure.

Live in Chicago January 11th and 12th! Get your tickets!

Live in Chicago January 11th and 12th! Get your tickets!

Please follow “The Wingman” via twitter or you can ‘Like’ his FB page here. A big thank you to Mr. James Holeva! This interview has been a pleasure. I’ve been laughing and cringing. ;) Thanks again.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Jlee’s Review – Intoxicology 101s Sangria

1 Aug

Alex at Intoxicology 101 did a wonderful guest blog for us on July 23rd which included two Sangria recipes. See it here if you missed it: sAnGrIa ~ A Party Favorite.

Here is an excerpt from the post: Because Alex knows I’m a wino he provided us with two Sangria recipes! I made an awesome Sangria yesterday for the Chiquita’s 2nd birthday, I will share the recipe and pics in another post, but I am anxious to try Alex’s recipe for a pool party I am having this weekend. I will provide my review of the recipe next week.

As promised here is my review of Intoxicology 101s Sangria.

Toxic.

Toxic as in I woke up naked at 8:30 pm wondering what the hell happened. Toxic as in I was banging on my bathroom door desperately trying to break it down as I knew I was going to be sick. Toxic as in four days later my stomach still isn’t quite right.

The only good thing is that out of four women two of us ended up puking. So, I ask you. What could take down two grown women at a pool party?

Alex’s Sangria. Damn him. It’s because he’s a Sux, I mean, Sox fan. Or because it was just that darn good.

I made Alex’s Spiked White Peach Sangria. Here is the recipe again:

  • 1 750 ML bottle Dry to Semi-dry White (I Use Pinot Grigio)
  • 3/4 cup Vodka (Or try Peach Vodka)
  • 6 Tbs frozen lemonade concentrate
  • 1 LB peaches, pitted and sliced
  • 3/4 cup Red grapes, halved (Seedless)
  • 3/4 cup Green grapes, halved (Seedless)
  • 1/4 cup Sugar

In a large pitcher, combine your wine, vodka, lemonade concentrate and sugar. Stir until the sugar dissolves. Go ahead and add in your fruits next. Refrigerate until chilled and allow the fruit flavors to blend in.

Now first off, I chose to make this Sangria not for the Vodka, but because it is a white-wine Sangria and that is what I had a taste for Saturday morning. But, secondly, vodka is a nice added touch.

I took the recipe to Dominick’s the night before yet I still managed to forget the frozen lemonade concentrate. Does anyone else do this? Wtf?! I had the recipe right in my hand!

Anyways, so I made his recipe exactly as it called for except in place of the frozen lemonade concentrate I used ginger ale. Alex says this recipe serves 6-10 depending on your crowd. I don’t know who Alex’s friends are, but I doubled the recipe for 4 gals. Maybe that was my problem?

Friends arrived and we had a nice display of food plus our yummy Sangria. We took some pics and celebrated another friend’s birthday (the other puker – lol) and all was starting out well. I’m not sure how quickly we finished off the Sangria, but let me tell you, it tasted soo good. My husband dubbed it: The Sweet Nectar of the Gods.

The Sweet Nectar of the Gods

It didn’t even taste like alcohol and we were cheers-ing away, laughing and telling stories and the ladies asked me to make a second – YES, a second! – batch. FYI, we finished the second batch. Holy shit, are we alcoholics or what?!?

I’m not sure where it all went downhill from here. Well, I mean, I guess I am. I brought the second batch of Sangria out. We cheers-ed some more. We took some more pictures. We talked about going to Mexico in January.

Making sure the Sangria didn’t drown.

Four hours later I woke up. Naked. With a bucket of puke next to me.

O. M. G.

What the shit?!?

I’m a 33-year-old mother! This should not be happening. This is so embarrassing! This is so immature. What would my mother say? Didn’t I learn from the Sangria and the water balloon incident? O.M.G. My counselor is going to have a field day with this!?!

I walk downstairs and Hubs says to me, “Well, you weren’t the only one that got it.”

I just stared at him. I’m not even sure I could speak.

What happened?

“It must have been that vodka in the Sangria. Jen, you like poisoned your friends. Coco threw up all over the kitchen sink and then passed out on the couch for three hours. The other two managed to survive it, both thanking their lucky stars. Could you imagine me having 4 women throwing up and passed out in the house?”

My husband laughed. Yes, my husband is a saint.

So, my review of Alex’s Sangria is such: FAS (Fucking Awesome Shit).

However, not recommended for pool parties or light weights. If you are going to drink this Sangria please don’t drink on an empty stomach or you will end up with projectile vomiting like Coco or waking up naked with a puke bucket like me!

Here is my friend’s review of the Spiked White Peach Sangria: (and note, she did not puke, but she is also not a huge Sangria fan): “Though some may call it toxic, if you’re a wine and vodka drinker this could be your new BFF!”

And as promised, here is the recipe for Jlee’s Sangria. (I’m calling it Jlee’s Sangria because this is my blog, however, to be truthful; this is not actually my recipe, but my friend’s, who shared it with me. Proper disclosures are always appreciated.)

Jlee’s Sangria

Jlee’s Sangria

  • 1 box of Franzia white wine
  • 1 2-liter of Sierra Mist
  • Lots of sliced fruit of your choice, but good with strawberries, peaches, lemons and limes

Prepare the night before in a large gallon serving dispenser (I bought mine at Sam’s Club). Combine your wine and Sierra Mist. Stir. Go ahead and add in your fruits next. Refrigerate and enjoy manana!

Tags: , , , , ,

sAnGrIa ~ A Party Favorite

23 Jul

Today’s post comes to us from Alex at Intoxicology 101. I was lucky enough to find Alex’s site on Bloggers.com which is a great social networking site for bloggers. If you recall, that is where another recent guest post came from — How Moon Signs Influence Mothers’ Parenting Style, which is a great post for fellow astrology lovers.

I checked out Intoxicology 101 and thought it was a great site dedicated to everyone’s favorite – booze! This site features a variety of information from drink recipes, to alcohol reviews, to education on beer, wine and spirits, to hangover remedies and bartending books. All in all this should become your go-to for all things alcohol-related.

Because Alex knows I’m a wino he provided us with two Sangria recipes! I made an awesome Sangria yesterday for the Chiquita’s 2nd birthday, I will share the recipe and pics in another post, but I am anxious to try Alex’s recipe for a pool party I am having this weekend. I will provide my review of the recipe next week. And if you decide to try it please share a review with Jlee’s readers as well! Or if you have your own special Sangria recipe feel free to leave it in the comments section below.

A big thank you to Alex at Intoxicology 101 ~ we still like you Alex even though you are a Sux, I mean Sox, fan. ;)

Photo Courtesy of Sweet’N Low.

Can you believe we’re only officially a month into the Summer? Heat temperatures are at an all time high all around the country, and especially here in the south making me miss the cool and comfortable mid 70′s Summer temperatures I became accustomed to growing up in the south suburbs of Chicago (And yes, I’m a PROUD Sox fan).

When it’s this bad though, I do the only thing I know how to cool off and that’s have a cold drink! I’m a big believer in seasonal drinking and there’s no better Summer sipper than Sangria. It’s cold, refreshing and features plenty of Summer fruits but the real beauty of it is it’s easy to make and you can add virtually anything to it to tweak it to your taste. White wine or red wine, you can’t really go wrong and if you’re having a get together and expect both lightweights and “professional drinkers” to stop by you can always make two batches, and spike the second with any vodka (flavored or not) to add a bit more of a punch.

Here’s one recipe I recently tried from the makers of Sweet’N Low, and another I’ve used over the years and tweaked to call my own. You can try them out at your next get-together, or if you’re feeling anxious, make one tonight, sip, refrigerate and enjoy later.

Rocking Red Sangria (Serves 16-20 depending on your crowd)
  • 1 orange, chilled and cut into wedges
  • 3 1/2 cups seltzer
  • 1/2 teaspoon Sweet ‘N Low granulated sugar substitute
  • 1 bottle (1.5 liters) burgundy or other red wine
  • 1/4 cup lime juice
  • Juice of 1 lemon
  • Juice of 1 orange
  • 1 lemon, chilled and sliced
  • 1/2 cup fresh strawberry slices

In large pitcher or punch bowl, stir together juices, wine, and Sweet ‘N Low until Sweet ‘N Low dissolves; refrigerate until well chilled. Just before serving, add seltzer, orange wedges, lemon slices, and strawberry slices.

Spiked White Peach Sangria (Serves 6-10 depending on your crowd)
  • 1 750 ML bottle Dry to Semi-dry White (I Use Pinot Grigio)
  • 3/4 cup Vodka (Or try Peach Vodka)
  • 6 Tbs frozen lemonade concentrate
  • 1 LB peaches, pitted and sliced
  • 3/4 cup Red grapes, halved (Seedless)
  • 3/4 cup Green grapes, halved (Seedless)
  • 1/4 cup Sugar

In a large pitcher, combine your wine, vodka, lemonade concentrate and sugar. Stir until the sugar dissolves. Go ahead and add in your fruits next. Refrigerate until chilled and allow the fruit flavors to blend in.

If these don’t cool you off, then there may be no hope left, but you can always keep trying them until you forget how hot (or what time, or day haha) it is. Cheers!

Tags: , , ,

Let’s Talk Bathroom Etiquette…Repepepepepeat

5 Apr

Here is another fan favorite I’d like to share from back in the day. This post tends to get a lot of hits from Google searches for “toilet stalls” and “public bathrooms”.

I’d also like to share that I do now wear a seatbelt – after receiving my 2nd seatbelt violation I decided to just start wearing the damn thing – and I also now use a seat cover on the toilet. Even though it takes an extra second to put down I decided I’d rather take the two minutes then get crabs from a toilet seat. :P

I hope you enjoy it and learn some bathroom etiquette!

Photo courtesy of Yahoo Photos

I know all my bathroom talk is frank – and probably pretty gross – but the fact of the matter is we all go to the bathroom and at some time in our lives we will all be forced to use a public bathroom.  Nothing is more annoying than people lacking proper etiquette in this shared space.

For men, you just walk in, whip it out and do your biz in the urinal…obviously God is a man.  But, for ladies, this is a bit more of a production.

I work in an office building with a shared public bathroom for all employees in the building.  I know some of the ladies from other offices, but others, even though I’ve seen them around I don’t “know” them.  This is because they won’t say hello or even acknowledge my presence in the bathroom.  WTF?  I realize we’re in a bathroom, but when you walk in and I’m washing my hands why can’t you say hello?

This one lady – she makes the effort to look at me every time.  And then she gives me a dirty look!  It pisses me off!  But, I take solace in the fact that not only am I cuter than her, but I’m obviously much nicer as well…

Some other issues I have:

The Tortoise and the Hare – These people drive me INSANE.  These are the people that time their bathroom breaks like they are running a marathon.  They literally marathon pee – they pee in a minute tops.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  What is your hurry?  I guess I pee more like the Tortoise.  I take my time…slow and steady.  These people that come in and pee ridiculously fast actually give me anxiety.  I don’t want to have to pop a Xanax every time I go to the bathroom because you’re in some crazy race with yourself to be the quickest pee-er in my office building.  Congratulations!  You took a piss in 49 seconds flat.  It’s a new Olympic record.

These speedy pee-ers also cause a ripple effect of other etiquette issues.  Let me proceed.

The Sloppy Pee-er – Because you are in such a hurry to pee and exit, you ultimately end up leaving your pee droplets on the toilet seat.  This makes me throw up in my mouth every time I walk into the toilet stall.  I need to do a thorough inspection of the toilet seat before I can even sit down.  I’m amazed at the number of women that can’t seem to handle getting their pee inside the toilet, as opposed to on the seat.  Gross, isn’t that what men do?  Let’s say most of us in this building are 30-40 years old.  We’ve had substantial practice with this; we should be pros by now.

Which brings me to…

The Leave Behind – These people have done one good thing.  They’ve managed to not pee on the toilet seat.  But, that is because they added two seconds to their marathon time by putting down the paper seat cover.  Now I have mixed feelings about the seat cover.  I understand its purpose.  And it does serve a good purpose.  However, it’s just not for me.  It makes me uncomfortable.  Sort of like a seat belt.  It’s there for a good reason – to protect.  But, when I wear my seat belt I just end up feeling uncomfortable, I can’t settle in right, my driving is off.  That’s exactly how I feel when I sit on a paper toilet seat cover.  Then every time I move it crinkles….and then the pee makes a funny sound when it hits the center piece you push through…let’s not even discuss if you have to go #2…

I know, I know!  I should wear my seat belt, and I should use a seat cover.  But, I don’t.  Sue me.

Someone once said to me, “You’re such an anal person it really surprises me that you don’t use the seat cover.”

Yeah, it makes sense.  I am one hell of a Type A organized freak, but I don’t know, maybe I’m not as high maintenance as you all think.  I can drink beer and burp with the boys!

And, let me say, I fully support those of you that choose to use a seat cover.  It is actually more beneficial to me if you use one.  So use away…my beef lies solely with those people that in their race to be the fastest pee-er in the building they end up flushing and running (the Flush ‘n’ Run) so quickly that they either a.) don’t notice that the paper cover didn’t go down or b.) they simply don’t care that it didn’t go down.

So, now, when I go into the stall there sits your protective paper cover.  Now how is it protecting me if I have to touch your paper cover to flush it down the toilet?  Not to mention, sorry, but the thought of putting it in the toilet and then pee-ing on it just grosses me out.  (See above, I’m simply not comfortable with that.)

The Sloppy Seconds – These are the people that think just because they are in a public bathroom they don’t need to keep it tidy.  They splash water all over the sink, countertop and mirror.  They leave toilet paper bunches on the floor.  They put on make-up and spill pressed powder all over the countertop and just leave it.  They leave long strands of hair on the vanity.  They dump out food/drink items in the sink and don’t bother to run the water…which is especially crucial if they dump soup or cereal. There sits the left-over floaties in the sink.  I’ve also seen feminine products ON THE FLOOR, and once, I’m not even joking, a needle?!?  (We called maintenance in case you’re wondering.)  We all know how annoying it can be to clean up after the man in our lives who splashes water every where with no regard for who cleans up after him (one of the Oompa Loompas?)  Not to mention hair shavings, which he leaves, splattered about the sink…but that’s another post.

This is not a port-a-potty; this is an f’ing office bathroom.  Pretend it is your bathroom and keep it clean!  And if you are sloppy, you at least get an A++ for washing your hands.  If you’ve ever been in the stall and heard someone leave and not wash their hands (in my case it’s always one of the Flush ‘n’ Runners) you sit and wonder who in the hell that person was?  How many hands will they be touching the rest of the day?  Could they have forgotten to wash or do they wash at their desk with hand sanitizer – which does NOT cut it.

The Pooper – Obviously at some time in your life you are going to have to go #2 in a public restroom.  It’s inevitable – especially in my situation working in an office building with a shared public bathroom for 9 hours/day.  I have sympathy for the poopers.  But, Poopers, try to have sympathy for those around you.  We understand its life and it needs to be done, but very simply DO A COURTESY FLUSH!

The courtesy flush was a suggested add-in by my friend.  I’m personally not a huge fan of the courtesy flush.  I know where she is coming from, however, doing a courtesy flush on a commercial toilet is just no fun.  These toilets are built to flush down bricks!!! The massive amounts of water racing through the toilet bowl inevitably ends up on your ass.  You are doing a courtesy flush to be considerate to those other bathroom patrons, but at the same time, you end up hurting yourself!  Sorry, I’m selfish.  I would rather you smell my stinky poop than have my feces splashing up on my back side.  That’s just how I feel about it.

The Space Cadet – Almost as annoying as the Tortoise and the Hare is the Space Cadet pee-er.  This special pee-er is truly a joy to be around normally.  They are the happy-go-lucky person that always says “Good morning” and always has a smile on their face.  But, they are also the annoying person who comes into the bathroom singing and/or whistling every day.  My bathroom breaks are my precious personal time during my work day.  As I said above, I like to take my time.  I like to sit and relax.  I do some of my best thinking while on the toilet.  I’ve even been known to pray while on the porcelain throne.  I realize this may sound odd to some people, but the bathroom is normally a place of solace.  It is the one place you can go and be by yourself with your own thoughts – except in public.  So, when the happy-go-lucky pee-er comes into the bathroom singing and whistling as I am deep in my own thoughts I feel disrupted.  I don’t like to be disrupted while I’m doing my business.  This also gives me anxiety.  The bathroom is supposed to be a peaceful place.  Let’s keep it that way.

The Hanger-Outer – Well, I’m definitely the Hanger-Outer.  I like to take my time.  I kind of slither in…I pick my stall…I am in no hurry to do my business.  I like to sit there for a second and relish in my own thoughts.  Now, I have two points with the Hanger-Outer.  One thing that annoys me as the Hanger-Outer is when the Flush ‘n’ Runners come in and go even faster because they think I’m the Pooper.  No.  Just reeeelllaaaaxxx.  I can sit in the bathroom and take a time out.  It doesn’t mean I’m taking a dump!  It’s simply a little “me” time.

But, on the other hand, one of the most annoying pee-ers is the Hanger-Outer.  Luckily I have bathroom etiquette so I don’t break the “rules.”  The issue with the Hanger-Outer is they never leave.  They hang out.  They want to blow their nose, check their make-up, brush their teeth, have phone conversations (No, I don’t do that)…which is all fine and dandy, unless you have the Pooper in a stall waiting to do their biz.  They’re likely to get a little stage fright if you’re in there just hanging around.  In that case, run the water and do your primping as fast as possible.  Then get out so the Pooper can poop in peace!

And lastly…

The Almost in my Stall – The Almost in my Stall pee-er is by far the WORST of all of the above offenders!!!  You know this person.  This is the person that walks into a bathroom and sees 20 empty stalls but still – for some reason unbeknownst to any of us – chooses to enter the stall right next to you.

What the f*ck are you doing?

I will never EVER understand why this pee-er feels the need to pee right next to me?  Or worse yet poop?  Please understand, I like you.  I will say hi to you and talk to you.  But, please respect my privacy.  Please do not sit in the stall next to me.  This offense actually angers me.  When I’m sitting in the stall having my “me” time and someone walks in and comes into the stall next to me, you completely distract my attention and you actually raise my blood pressure.  Do you want to be responsible for my future heart attack?  I start thinking, “What is this person doing?”  “Why must this person sit next to me?”  “What is this person’s problem?”  “Does this person have no bathroom etiquette?”  If you’re going to break a rule, I would not choose this one.  In my research I find that this is everyone’s MOST annoying offense.  Which makes me wonder who is actually committing this faux pas? Hmm…

As with my other posts, I feel the need to be a concerned citizen and to clarify the appropriate bathroom rules.  Please respect them so we can all have a more enjoyable experience when using a public restroom.

And P.S., NONE of these rules apply when you are at a venue – like a Cubs game – in that case, it’s every man and woman for themselves!

Tags: , , , , , ,

#1: Get to Know ~ Susannah Collins

10 Feb

I am soo excited to be sharing this new section with you titled (for right now at least) Get to Know. I am beyond thrilled to announce my very special guest and friend, my #1: Get to Know…..

Downers Grove’s own SUSANNAH COLLINS!

I’ve known Susannah since our high school days at Downers Grove North High School. We weren’t in the same group of friends, but we were always friendly. One thing about Susannah, she has always been the nicest gal. She was nice to EVERYONE in high school, which I think is a true testament to her character.

We went separate ways for college, but crossed paths again at 22 once we all came home from college. We would get together for TV and wine nights. :D Now that Sooz (as we call her) is so busy traveling we don’t see her very often but anytime she’s in town we all are excited to see her and hear her fab stories about her exciting life.

I am SO honored to know this woman who is kind, compassionate and fun. And when I was suffering from Post Partum Depression she wrote me an amazing letter of encouragement telling me to stay strong and giving me hope. It’s things like that which make this woman so extraordinary! Keep reading to learn more about Susannah Collins and some of Sooz’s own thoughts:

What is your current profession?
I am a reporter/correspondent for Showtime Sports, working specifically on the shows Inside the NFL and Inside NASCAR.

Briefly describe how you got there:
I owe it all to a douchebag, no joke. A buddy of mine started a web-based sports talk show called Sports Nutz and thought I’d make a good host. So myself and another girl, Sam, were the co-hosts and we’d do weekly episodes taking a very sarcastic take on timely sports-related stories. In March of 2010 we did an episode called “Douchebag Nation” about douchebag fans at the Big East basketball tournament at Madison Square Garden. And boy, those douchebag fans did NOT disappoint. One in particular decided to launch himself at me on camera whilst foolishly displaying his wedding ring for all of cyber space to see. Needless to say, it made for quite an entertaining episode. So entertaining, in fact, that a popular online sports blog, Deadspin.com, picked it up, giving us thousands of hits. One of those hits came from the Executive Producer of Inside the NFL. He called me in for an interview and the rest is history. If I could find that douchebag fan and give him that kiss he wanted I actually would….though I don’t know how his wife would feel about it!

Did you always know this was the direction you wanted to take your career in?
Not at all! I actually got my degree in Broadcast Journalism but had no intention of ever using it after graduation. I was a complete musical theater geek, and after I graduated college I went to London for a year to get my post-graduate degree in Musical Theater at Mountview Academy of Theater Arts. When I got back to the states, I performed in a bunch of Chicago productions – including a stint as a performer on the Spirit of Chicago dinner cruise ship – HA! But, as most starving artists will tell you, it’s a brutal industry and it started to take it’s toll on my mental health. I started working in PR but after a few years and a few HORRIBLE bosses I knew I needed to change it up. I’d always been a huge sports fan and started to think I missed my calling by not going into broadcasting. When the Sports Nutz gig came up I thought, “Why not?” Kind of crazy that it’s come full circle like that.

How have you stayed so down to Earth?
It’s the only way I know how to be. I think because I found a bit of success at age 30 rather than age 25 I have a greater appreciation of how the industry works. I know as quickly as success came, it can be taken away, so I don’t take a single moment for granted. I’ve got some life experience behind me that certainly has helped me stay grounded. That and I have the most incredible support system in my family and friends. I’m surrounded by people who would kick my ass if I started to play the diva card!

What is your favorite sport and favorite sports team?
I LOVE baseball. I am a die-hard, life long Chicago Cubs fan…Sigh…

What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
Vino. Red, white, pink, bubbly….I love it all. But lately I’ve also been into Makers.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
I honestly have no idea. I try not to get too far ahead of myself. So much has happened in two years so I can’t even speculate! I hope to be happy, living in a nice home with my hubby, perhaps a kiddo or two. My dream job is to work covering the Cubs….Never say never, right?

Who is your favorite shoe designer?
Miu Miu. Their shoes are so beautiful and I love them because they accommodate large feet, which is, unfortunately, what I have. I’m on my feet a ton so comfort is crucial, and Miu Miu’s manage to not kill my tootsies while still looking fierce.

I see that you’re a guy’s girl…i.e., hot, loves football, but you’re also a girl’s girl, i.e., fashionable, many gal pals and also just a nice person in general – are you really the next “America’s Sweetheart?”
Hmmm, not sure if I’m the next “America’s Sweetheart”. But that’s very nice of you to imply! One thing that makes me happy is that I have both male and female fans! I love hanging with the boys, but my girlfriends are my heart & soul. The fact that women enjoy the work I do, especially in a male-dominated environment, makes me very proud.

What is your favorite personality trait about yourself?
I like that I can laugh at myself. You can’t take yourself too seriously in this business otherwise you’ll go crazy. Having a sense of humor is essential.

What is your favorite body part?
I’ve always thought I had nice ears.

How can people follow you? Twitter? FB?
You can follow me on Twitter at @susannahcollins or find my Susannah Collins fan page on facebook. And tell your friends! :)

Any words of wisdom for Jlee’s readers??
Don’t be afraid to dream. Laugh a lot. Love your family & friends. And drink wine. :)

Sooz at the Super Bowl!!! (Photo courtesy of Inside the NFL)

I’d like to say a very big Thank You to Susannah Collins for giving me the honor of making her my first Get to Know post! I’d also like to encourage you all to take a look at this video clip of Susannah (one of my faves) as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader for a day! Great piece!! Click here to view.

xx Sooz, and I hope you will all “like” Susannah on FB and follow her on Twitter!

Tags: , , ,

My Office Crush is Gay.

19 Dec

I’ve mentioned before that I work in a fish bowl.  What I mean, is I work in a building in which the inside looks like a strip mall – the whole front of my office is a glass window.  We all sort of “know” each other just from seeing the same people walking down the hall day in and day out.  People walk by and wave and smile at me all day.  Some ladies walk by and scowl at me as well.  I like to think that’s just because they are jealous of my good looks and charming personality.

Anyways, as much as I do enjoy working despite missing the Chiquita, there are days that are lonnng and boring.  Days in which I stare at the clock waiting for 4:30.  To get through these days I had to do something. 

I developed an office crush. 

I used to have a crush on the UPS man, but then he invited me over to his house for beers, and I sort of thought, hmm, this is not going in the right direction.  So, now I just smile at him and talk to him about the Cubs (he’s a diehard Sox fan) and he usually tells me how much he likes my boots, my outfit, etc. But, as for the office crush that is now over.  Guess he should have played hard to get.

Then I was crush-less for a while.  Like for a long while.

Let me take a moment to explain the office crush.  Or at least my office crush.  Yes, I’m married.  I’m not looking to hook up with my office crush, but rather I just like to watch them walk by (is that creepy?) and smile and wave and maybe flirt a little, I’m really good at batting the eyelashes, but other than that NOTHING.  Let me be clear.  I’m not looking to bag my office crush.

So I was sad and crush-less for a while.  Makes work veryyyy boring.  And, then…I saw him.  No, it didn’t quite go down like that; it wasn’t crush-at-first-sight. 

Down the hall from me is a graphic design company.  All the people who work there seem very cool and urban, like not your typical office employees.  One of the guys, my new crush, is this kind of skinny hipster guy.  He has blonde spiky hair and wears tight black skinny jeans (emo pants??) with black lace-up boots.  Some days he wears a hat, some days he wears hoodies, but all days he has an aura of “cool” about him. 

Today he is wearing his black skinny jeans and a red tee with a scarf; his keys dangling from his hip.  He snaps his fingers as he strolls by.

He’s totally not my type. 

I don’t go for the rocker, urban, cool kinds of guys.  I’m not really sure what my type is.  Oh wait, my type is my husband, of course, in case he’s reading this. :) 

And then one day over the summer I left work early to go to the bank for my boss.  I was shocked when I saw him.  I mean, I was taking a different route than I normally do.  I was sitting at a red light waiting for the green arrow.  This guy rounds the corner on a motorcycle.  I did a double take.  HOLY CRAP.  That was skinny jeans guy!  And on a Harley!!

Suddenly his hotness factor went from like a 5 to a 9.  I’m pretty sure I started to perspire. 

I went to work the next day and told my boss that skinny jeans guy has a Harley.  Even my boss thought he was suddenly kind of bad ass.  A couple days after that skinny jeans guy was talking to someone outside my office.  I overheard him say (no, I wasn’t eavesdropping!) that he was “playing a show” that night. 

I started to imagine myself as a groupie.  What would I wear to skinny jeans guy’s show tonight, you know if I was single?  I decided on my short leather skirt, black boots…but wait, I’m not the groupie type!  And then I remembered.  I’m a 32-year-old married office manager with a baby.  Well, that’s okay, either way, my new crush was formed!  Skinny jeans guy is one cool mutha-fucka and yayy now I have someone to crush on again!

At first skinny jeans guy seemed totes into me; like he would walk by and smile and give me the peace sign.  Yeah, he’s wayyy too cool to wave.  I was like; ohmigosh, I have to be careful here.  I don’t need another UPS incident; I’d like to keep my office crush this time.  I mean, I can’t help it that I’m so cute and likeable.

I mean, I was pretty sure skinny jeans guy would be asking me to come see a show.  Like any day now.  And then suddenly skinny jeans guy no longer seemed into me.  He would walk by my office uber cool with his spiky hair and his tight emo pants and he didn’t wave at me anymore, and then he didn’t even look at me anymore!

Wtf is happening?

I mean, I tried not to take it personally.  I’m sure I’m not skinny jeans guy’s type anyways, as I would imagine he goes for beer swigging hipster-type girls, like Avril Lavigne, who have color streaked hair and shop at The Alley.  I’m sure wine-guzzling, Juicy Couture wearing, Giuliana BFF wannabes are sooo not his type.

Still, even though I’m married, my ego was a bit bruised.  I told my boss, “Skinny jeans guy doesn’t wave at me anymore.”

He goes, “You reeked of desperation,” and then burst out laughing.  I think he was joking.

Then, on Friday, my ego was saved.

Friday afternoon I went on a walkabout to drop some checks in the mailbox.  As I walked down the hall I do what everyone else does, and I look in the windows to see what everyone is doing.  Attorney lady is typing frantically on the computer, Insurance lady is on the phone talking away, the Narcissist is back in his office talking to a pretty blonde woman….and then I spot it.

Normally the graphics company keeps their shades drawn so you can only see into their office through the two front doors, unlike my company which is just wide open so people can see me pick my teeth and blow my nose.  But as I walked by that day I noticed that the shades were wide open.  And in the window is a picture of skinny jeans guy.  With another dude.  Omg, it’s SKINNY JEANS GUY WITH HIS HANDS ON THE SHOULDERS OF ANOTHER DUDE!!!!!!!

I like did a complete double take.  Wtf is this?!?  Are they gay?  And not that there’s anything wrong with that….I just about fell over in shock in front of their office.  I tried to get it together and play cool, but my whole walk back to the office I kept repeating to myself, “Is skinny jeans guy gay?”

And then the puzzle pieces started to come together.  His man friend recently started to work there.  Oh yeah, he started working there right around the time that skinny jeans guy stopped waving at me… 

And now I see new dude and skinny jeans guy driving to work together every morning…I mean, I just thought new dude was a nice guy driving skinny jeans guy to work because he like, has a Harley and all, and it’s too cold out to drive now?

And skinny jeans guy does wear really tight pants.

I mean, I suppose he could be gay.  Maybe an Adam Levine type???  

“You will never believe this!”  I shout as I walk inside my office doors.

My boss looked up from his desk and my co-worker peeked her head around the corner.

“I think skinny jeans guy is gay!” I shout.

“Oh yeah, I could have told you that.  I mean, it makes sense…” My boss says.

What?!?  Why didn’t you tell me this?

“You have to go down there and look at the picture!”  I shout.  “Someone has to go down there.  Am I crazy?  It looks like an engagement picture!”

My co-worker walks down to view the alleged engagement photo.  She says, “Is it possible they are just posing that way?”

I say to my boss, “You have to go look!”

“Why do I have to go look?” He asks.

“You just do.  I just need to know.  I need a dude’s opinion.  Please go.”

“Will you stop talking about it if I go look at the picture?”

“Yes,” I promised.

He gets up and heads down the hall.  I am back sitting at my desk anxiously waiting for the verdict.  As he walks down the hall he looks at me through the windows and smiles.  He has a huge grin on his face.

He walks in the door, looks at me, and starts cracking up.  He shrugs and says, “He’s gay.”

Disbelief sweeps across my face.  Immediately I think of the scene from Clueless:

Murray: Your man Christian is a cake boy!

Cher, Dionne: A what?

Murray: He’s a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I’m saying?

Cher: Uh-uh, no way, not even!

Murray: Yes, even; he’s gay!

Dionne: He does like to shop, Cher. And the boy can dress.

If it happened to Cher, I guess it can happen to the best of us. :)

Tags: , , , , , ,

My Sign of the Apocalypse

25 Jun

Image courtesy of http://www.wikimedia.org

 

I’m an avid listener of WGN Radio 720 am.  I absolutely love the mid-day host, John Williams, and he is the one who truly got me interested in listening to talk radio at the age of 28.  One of John Williams’ segments is titled “My Sign of the Apocalypse.”  He has listeners call in to divulge their possible “end of the world” experiences, which usually range from silly to funny occurrences in every day life. 

I experienced my own sign of the Apocalypse yesterday when I was at Dunkin Donuts getting my coffee.   My end of the world revelation came to light when it became obvious to me that my stalker has become the stalkee.  

I know you’re thinking WTF is she talking about?  In fact, as I write I am thinking that myself. 

Let me back up.  Do you recall my Dunkin Donuts stalker who drives the wood paneled shaggin-wagon who comes to DD on a daily basis to sit in the parking lot and talk to people but rarely goes inside to actually make a purchase?  Remember I thought he was sort of creepy because he would always comment on my shoes or my perfume or my love-hate relationship with the Cubs.  I had his license plate checked out by a cop friend of mine.  One day I was getting in my car and he practically had his head inside my window.  I kept trying to roll up the window and he wasn’t getting the hint.  He had a creepy look in his eyes, like I imagined that he was imagining eating me for dinner.  That was the last straw – I had him checked out and he came up clean.

So, maybe I was over reacting a bit?  I do that sometimes.  Maybe he’s just an innocent guy who likes to talk to people and doesn’t have much else to do?  But, it’s always good to check.  You don’t want to be thinking that when you’re stuck in the back of a trunk wondering if you will be raped and murdered.  

I would always say hello but kept our conversations to a minimum.  I told my friends about “my stalker” and it almost became a joke….”Yes, I have a stalker …” I was proud to say as if I was a celebrity going out for coffee and getting snapped by the paparazzi.  

My stalker's cars! Photo courtesy of "K-Woww"

 

THEN – complete random craziness – my friend K-Woww discovered that MY STALKER LIVES IN THE SAME COMPLEX AS HER BOYFRIEND.  WTF?  I’m not making this shit up.  She figured this out when one day she parked next to an old school wood-paneled shaggin-wagon in the complex.  With “The Club” on the steering wheel.  She thought how many of these cars actually exist? 

She then told her man about it – “Could Jen’s stalker actually LIVE here?”  And an even crazier side note – turns out K-Woww’s man accidentally hit one of my stalker’s cars – he has two – which the two did settle amicably.  Seriously. 

K-Woww’s man thought it was crazy that he knows my stalker!  And now K-Woww was intrigued by my stalker.  They named him Earl.  We don’t refer to my stalker as “my stalker” anymore, he now has a name.  Earl. 

I see Earl at Dunkin every day and K-Woww sees Earl at home every night.  We talk about Earl.  We feel like we sort of “know” Earl.  We chuckle about things, like “The Club,” saying “Oh, that’s SO Earl!”  Every morning when I get out of the car I almost shout, “Good morning, Earl!” before I realize that his name is not actually Earl.  Or is it?  

This has got to stop.  This is insane.  Could you imagine if I said “Good morning Earl!”  Who would be the crazy one now? 

As I’m driving to Dunkin/work one day last week I hit a pot hole in Lisle.  My tire was flat.  I had to wait for Roadside Assistance to come change my tire and my poor body was having caffeine withdrawal.  When I finally made it to Dunkin Earl was gone.  

The next day when I pulled in the Dunkin parking lot there sat Earl.  His window down, his shades on.  I get out of the car. 

“Ah man, you got a flat tire?” He stuttered. 

“Yeah, I did.  That’s why I wasn’t here yesterday.  I got it on my way here,” I answered. 

“Oh man, that really stinks.  How did you get it?” He asked. 

“I hit a pot hole on Ogden Ave.,” I said. 

“Oh man, do you have the tire?  I can take a look at it for you and see if it can be fixed.” 

WOW.  Who knew Earl was such a compassionate guy? 

“My husband has it,” I responded, “But, thank you.  He’s going to try to blow it back up today and see if we can fix it.” 

Earl nodded.  “Oh, OK then.  Well, be careful OK.” 

I laughed. “OK.” 

“Seriously, OK?  You don’t want to get another flat while you’re driving with that.”  He pointed to my sad “doughnut” spare tire. 

“Thank you –“ almost actually came out “Thank you, Earl” but thankfully I stopped myself. 

As I walked into Dunkin I couldn’t help but think for a minute. Wow.  Nowadays there are no nice people left in the world.  People aren’t friendly.  They don’t say hello or smile at one another.  No one would offer to look at someone’s flat tire?  I felt so special.  I felt like my stalker actually cared.  I drove away thinking that Earl cared more about my tire fiasco then some of my friends did!  I mean, I am pregs folks, I could have been murdered on the side of the road waiting for Roadside Assistance! 

(OK, OK, maybe a little dramatic.  Yes, it was 8 a.m. In DuPage County. But, seriously, what if my water broke?) 

Ironically that morning K-Woww saw Earl at Dunkin within seconds of me leaving.  We shared some texts back and forth about him.  Hmmm….me and K-Woww texting about my stalker?  Funny, I don’t picture my stalker texting about me at all?  He never did pick up my dropped DKNY panties if you recall from “Someone’s Got a Case of the Monday’s.”  WTF, isn’t he supposed to have a shrine of me in his shaggin-wagon? 

The next two days were like Groundhog Day.  Tire still not fixed –> Earl asks me about tire –> I give him the update, one day we had to try a sealant, the next day we determined it wasn’t fixable and had to order a new tire –> Earl tells me to be careful, drive safe saying, “You don’t want to get another flat!”  –> I say thank you and continue to be intrigued by how concerned Earl is. 

Do you see where this is going? 

Then yesterday, I pull into the parking lot.  There sits Earl.  He is in his other car, the green SUV with a Blackhawks decal in the back window.  He also has a Sox decal, but I don’t judge him for that because he is a Cubs fan, too.  Normally I give those people grief (pick ONE!), but I let it slide with Earl.  That’s just the type of guy he is.  He likes everyone!  His window is down.  His shades are on.  I park next to him and grab my Juicy Couture purse as I get out of the car. 

“Morning!”  I say with a big smile. 

“Uh-good morning.  I see you got that tire fixed.” 

OMG, he is so perceptive! 

I nod.  “Yes, my husband fixed it last night.” 

“Well, that’s great!  Now hopefully you don’t get another one for a while.” 

“I know, right?  Well…thanks…” I say as I start to walk to the door. 

As I’m waiting for my iced coffee I decide that today is the day I will ask Earl his real name.  I see him every day.  He’s a nice enough guy.  He seems legit.  Why should I be calling him Earl?  I should know his name.  But then I start to question whether or not that is weird.  I know another gentleman’s name that I see in Dunkin on a daily basis…..so I’m doing it! 

I walk back to my car with my iced coffee in hand.  “Well, have a great day,” I yell through the window. 

“Uh, thanks, uh, you too.” 

“By the way, what’s your name?” 

“Uh, my name?  Uh, yeah, my name is Todd.  T-O-double D. Todd.” 

“OK, Todd, well, nice to meet you.  My name is Jen.  J-E-N.” 

“OK Jen,” he gives a wave. 

I get in the car, wave back and drive off.  So my stalkers name is Todd. 

I pull into my work parking lot and have a text from K-Woww. It reads: OMG, at DD and just saw Earl in the green SUV!  Want to say hi. 

I text back: OMG, jus left DD and pulled into wk. Jus miss u again. Asked Earl his name. It’s Todd. 

K-Woww: LOL, I asked his name yest. when I saw him while walking the dog.  He seemed scared of the dog so I talk 2 him 4 a min. 

I smiled.  And this is when it occurred to me.  My sign of the Apocalypse.  Holy shit.  My stalker has become my stalkee.  I have become obsessed with my stalker.  Even K-Woww and her man are obsessed with my stalker. 

How twisted is this shit?  What kind of Lifetime Original Movie would this be? 

I guess, in closing, it’s been determined that I no longer have a stalker.  I AM the stalker.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Let’s Talk Bathroom Etiquette…

9 Apr

Photo courtesy of Yahoo Photos

I know all my bathroom talk is frank – and probably pretty gross – but the fact of the matter is we all go to the bathroom and at some time in our lives we will all be forced to use a public bathroom.  Nothing is more annoying than people lacking proper etiquette in this shared space.

For men, you just walk in, whip it out and do your biz in the urinal…obviously God is a man.  But, for ladies, this is a bit more of a production.

I work in an office building with a shared public bathroom for all employees in the building.  I know some of the ladies from other offices, but others, even though I’ve seen them around I don’t “know” them.  This is because they won’t say hello or even acknowledge my presence in the bathroom.  WTF?  I realize we’re in a bathroom, but when you walk in and I’m washing my hands why can’t you say hello? 

This one lady – she makes the effort to look at me every time.  And then she gives me a dirty look!  It pisses me off!  But, I take solace in the fact that not only am I cuter than her, but I’m obviously much nicer as well…

Some other issues I have:

The Tortoise and the Hare – These people drive me INSANE.  These are the people that time their bathroom breaks like they are running a marathon.  They literally marathon pee – they pee in a minute tops.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  What is your hurry?  I guess I pee more like the Tortoise.  I take my time…slow and steady.  These people that come in and pee ridiculously fast actually give me anxiety.  I don’t want to have to pop a Xanax every time I go to the bathroom because you’re in some crazy race with yourself to be the quickest pee-er in my office building.  Congratulations!  You took a piss in 49 seconds flat.  It’s a new Olympic record.

These speedy pee-ers also cause a ripple effect of other etiquette issues.  Let me proceed.

The Sloppy Pee-er – Because you are in such a hurry to pee and exit, you ultimately end up leaving your pee droplets on the toilet seat.  This makes me throw up in my mouth every time I walk into the toilet stall.  I need to do a thorough inspection of the toilet seat before I can even sit down.  I’m amazed at the number of women that can’t seem to handle getting their pee inside the toilet, as opposed to on the seat.  Gross, isn’t that what men do?  Let’s say most of us in this building are 30-40 years old.  We’ve had substantial practice with this; we should be pros by now.

Which brings me to…

The Leave Behind – These people have done one good thing.  They’ve managed to not pee on the toilet seat.  But, that is because they added two seconds to their marathon time by putting down the paper seat cover.  Now I have mixed feelings about the seat cover.  I understand its purpose.  And it does serve a good purpose.  However, it’s just not for me.  It makes me uncomfortable.  Sort of like a seat belt.  It’s there for a good reason – to protect.  But, when I wear my seat belt I just end up feeling uncomfortable, I can’t settle in right, my driving is off.  That’s exactly how I feel when I sit on a paper toilet seat cover.  Then every time I move it crinkles….and then the pee makes a funny sound when it hits the center piece you push through…let’s not even discuss if you have to go #2…

I know, I know!  I should wear my seat belt, and I should use a seat cover.  But, I don’t.  Sue me.

Someone once said to me, “You’re such an anal person it really surprises me that you don’t use the seat cover.”

Yeah, it makes sense.  I am one hell of a Type A organized freak, but I don’t know, maybe I’m not as high maintenance as you all think.  I can drink beer and burp with the boys!

And, let me say, I fully support those of you that choose to use a seat cover.  It is actually more beneficial to me if you use one.  So use away…my beef lies solely with those people that in their race to be the fastest pee-er in the building they end up flushing and running (the Flush ‘n’ Run) so quickly that they either a.) don’t notice that the paper cover didn’t go down or b.) they simply don’t care that it didn’t go down.

So, now, when I go into the stall there sits your protective paper cover.  Now how is it protecting me if I have to touch your paper cover to flush it down the toilet?  Not to mention, sorry, but the thought of putting it in the toilet and then pee-ing on it just grosses me out.  (See above, I’m simply not comfortable with that.)

The Sloppy Seconds – These are the people that think just because they are in a public bathroom they don’t need to keep it tidy.  They splash water all over the sink, countertop and mirror.  They leave toilet paper bunches on the floor.  They put on make-up and spill pressed powder all over the countertop and just leave it.  They leave long strands of hair on the vanity.  They dump out food/drink items in the sink and don’t bother to run the water…which is especially crucial if they dump soup or cereal. There sits the left-over floaties in the sink.  I’ve also seen feminine products ON THE FLOOR, and once, I’m not even joking, a needle?!?  (We called maintenance in case you’re wondering.)  We all know how annoying it can be to clean up after the man in our lives who splashes water every where with no regard for who cleans up after him (one of the Oompa Loompas?)  Not to mention hair shavings, which he leaves, splattered about the sink…but that’s another post.

This is not a port-a-potty; this is an f’ing office bathroom.  Pretend it is your bathroom and keep it clean!  And if you are sloppy, you at least get an A++ for washing your hands.  If you’ve ever been in the stall and heard someone leave and not wash their hands (in my case it’s always one of the Flush ‘n’ Runners) you sit and wonder who in the hell that person was?  How many hands will they be touching the rest of the day?  Could they have forgotten to wash or do they wash at their desk with hand sanitizer – which does NOT cut it. 

The Pooper – Obviously at some time in your life you are going to have to go #2 in a public restroom.  It’s inevitable – especially in my situation working in an office building with a shared public bathroom for 9 hours/day.  I have sympathy for the poopers.  But, Poopers, try to have sympathy for those around you.  We understand its life and it needs to be done, but very simply DO A COURTESY FLUSH! 

The courtesy flush was a suggested add-in by my friend.  I’m personally not a huge fan of the courtesy flush.  I know where she is coming from, however, doing a courtesy flush on a commercial toilet is just no fun.  These toilets are built to flush down bricks!!! The massive amounts of water racing through the toilet bowl inevitably ends up on your ass.  You are doing a courtesy flush to be considerate to those other bathroom patrons, but at the same time, you end up hurting yourself!  Sorry, I’m selfish.  I would rather you smell my stinky poop than have my feces splashing up on my back side.  That’s just how I feel about it.

The Space Cadet – Almost as annoying as the Tortoise and the Hare is the Space Cadet pee-er.  This special pee-er is truly a joy to be around normally.  They are the happy-go-lucky person that always says “Good morning” and always has a smile on their face.  But, they are also the annoying person who comes into the bathroom singing and/or whistling every day.  My bathroom breaks are my precious personal time during my work day.  As I said above, I like to take my time.  I like to sit and relax.  I do some of my best thinking while on the toilet.  I’ve even been known to pray while on the porcelain throne.  I realize this may sound odd to some people, but the bathroom is normally a place of solace.  It is the one place you can go and be by yourself with your own thoughts – except in public.  So, when the happy-go-lucky pee-er comes into the bathroom singing and whistling as I am deep in my own thoughts I feel disrupted.  I don’t like to be disrupted while I’m doing my business.  This also gives me anxiety.  The bathroom is supposed to be a peaceful place.  Let’s keep it that way.

The Hanger-Outer – Well, I’m definitely the Hanger-Outer.  I like to take my time.  I kind of slither in…I pick my stall…I am in no hurry to do my business.  I like to sit there for a second and relish in my own thoughts.  Now, I have two points with the Hanger-Outer.  One thing that annoys me as the Hanger-Outer is when the Flush ‘n’ Runners come in and go even faster because they think I’m the Pooper.  No.  Just reeeelllaaaaxxx.  I can sit in the bathroom and take a time out.  It doesn’t mean I’m taking a dump!  It’s simply a little “me” time. 

But, on the other hand, one of the most annoying pee-ers is the Hanger-Outer.  Luckily I have bathroom etiquette so I don’t break the “rules.”  The issue with the Hanger-Outer is they never leave.  They hang out.  They want to blow their nose, check their make-up, brush their teeth, have phone conversations (No, I don’t do that)…which is all fine and dandy, unless you have the Pooper in a stall waiting to do their biz.  They’re likely to get a little stage fright if you’re in there just hanging around.  In that case, run the water and do your primping as fast as possible.  Then get out so the Pooper can poop in peace!

And lastly…

The Almost in my Stall – The Almost in my Stall pee-er is by far the WORST of all of the above offenders!!!  You know this person.  This is the person that walks into a bathroom and sees 20 empty stalls but still – for some reason unbeknownst to any of us – chooses to enter the stall right next to you.

What the f*ck are you doing?

I will never EVER understand why this pee-er feels the need to pee right next to me?  Or worse yet poop?  Please understand, I like you.  I will say hi to you and talk to you.  But, please respect my privacy.  Please do not sit in the stall next to me.  This offense actually angers me.  When I’m sitting in the stall having my “me” time and someone walks in and comes into the stall next to me, you completely distract my attention and you actually raise my blood pressure.  Do you want to be responsible for my future heart attack?  I start thinking, “What is this person doing?”  “Why must this person sit next to me?”  “What is this person’s problem?”  “Does this person have no bathroom etiquette?”  If you’re going to break a rule, I would not choose this one.  In my research I find that this is everyone’s MOST annoying offense.  Which makes me wonder who is actually committing this faux pas? Hmm…

As with my other posts, I feel the need to be a concerned citizen and to clarify the appropriate bathroom rules.  Please respect them so we can all have a more enjoyable experience when using a public restroom.

And P.S., NONE of these rules apply when you are at a venue – like a Cubs game – in that case, it’s every man and woman for themselves!

Tags: , , , , , ,

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 678 other followers