Tag Archives: Deep Thoughts

Embracing Change

23 May

I laid in bed at 3 am thinking about this post and wondering exactly what I was going to share. I wanted the post to be upbeat because I went to bed telling myself I was turning over a new leaf, making some much-needed changes after the last month caused my life to spiral out of control.

I already have some big changes on the horizon. I hate change. I’m not sure that anyone really loves change, but I truly despise change. Change gives me anxiety. I need things to just mosey on along…it’s not to say that I’m boring…I just can’t deal with a lot of uncertainty.

I like my routine. Sure I kick back on the weekends, but I’m kicking back with my family and my friends and in my home in the town I grew up in. Let’s just say I’m not usually a fly by the seat of my pants type of girl…in Mexico with cocktails maybe.

Yesterday I got the rug pulled out from under me in a change I never saw coming. I had an inkling something was going on, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. When I was given the news I can tell you I never in a million years expected to hear the words I heard.

I would have believed his words … “by the way I’m pregnant” … or gay … or in love with you before I would have ever expected what I actually heard.

I was completely shocked.
I was hurt.
I was angry.

Between these two life-altering changes I sat stunned thinking how life as I know it would never be the same. My world was falling apart in front of my very eyes.

And then I burst into tears.
I had a breakdown.
A complete breakdown.

I needed to escape. With black mascara running down my face and red swollen eyes I escaped the only way I know how. I mean other than running off to Vegas to perform in Peep Show, like I once said here.

Bridesmaids Wiig

I escaped to the bottle. I drank and drank and watched Bridesmaids and drank some more and tweeted a bunch of ridiculous crap including telling Donald Trump that just the name Anthony Weiner alone makes me laugh.

Photo courtesy of blog.theregularguynyc.com

Photo courtesy of blog.theregularguynyc.com

Thankfully before pulling an Amanda Bynes I passed out but not before telling my therapist that Botox would fix everything.

Photo courtesy of usmagazine.com

Photo courtesy of usmagazine.com

I’m not sure if I thought I would wake up and life would have magically returned to the way it was before, a month ago, when I was happy and calm and life was good.

Instead I just woke up with ass breath and a headache. My insides still ached as much as before.

I decided on a long walk thinking the sunlight and breezy air may calm my heightened anxiety. And I lost it again. I felt lost myself despite having walked this path so many times.

I walked to the train station and sat to watch the trains pass by. I thought about the passengers on those trains. Were they happy? Sad? Were they lost like me?

For two seconds I felt this urge to jump in front of the train. As it drove by big and loud and windy I thought ‘what if I actually jumped?’

I think I felt God there with me. Despite feeling abandoned by Him I felt his hand on my shoulder; watching me, calming me.

I started to scold myself – sure your life is completely falling apart, sure it will never be the same, but there is one person who will fall apart without you. My kid. It is my job to protect her and keep her safe. I can’t have this kid growing up thinking I wasn’t strong enough and brave enough and that I left her.

Get it together! I yelled at myself in my head. No, I wasn’t a crazy bum sitting at the train station yelling at myself though I’m sure I looked the part.

courteney-cox-big-joeIt’s a PMDD week so certainly all my feelings are exasperated this week, and I am struggling to deal with feelings of loss, abandonment, uncertainty and fear. For the last month I’ve been using Cabernet as a coping mechanism. I was like, Oh, it’s OK, that’s what Brandi Glanville did. #celebrityadvice

Obviously it hasn’t helped.

I finished my long walk thinking about some changes I need to make:

1. Focus on Eva
2. Be nice to myself
3. Continue running
4. Stop the negative thinking
5. Stop drinking (for now)*

I’m strong, independent and perfectly capable of getting through the hard times with hopes of good on the other side. And even though I’m not capable – right now – of seeing the bigger picture I don’t need to drown myself in red wine (for now)*.

God is strengthening me, and I don’t know why, but there is a why and I will continue to believe. I have put my faith in God because that’s all I have left.

*Don’t worry, I’m not going all sober on you guys…just for now while I get through some tough times ahead. I promised there will be more drinking and tweeting. :D

#18: Deep Thoughts by Jlee

25 Mar
I want this girl's life....

I want this girl’s life….

Have you ever wished you could get DRUNK but still be a productive as you would be SOBER????

#17: Deep Thoughts by Jlee

24 Jan

Every time I pass this viaduct….

SavedPicture

I say to myself “If I ever become homeless this is where I’m going to live…right here. Right in this viaduct. I’d put some blankets down there….”

#16: Deep Thoughts by Jlee

21 Jan

I spotted a little person and it got me thinking…how do little people find pants to wear? Where do they shop? Is there a little people store? Do they buy regular pants and get all their pants hemmed…? Because that would get expensive to have to get every single pair of pants you own hemmed!

I didn't even consider prison attire!

I didn’t even consider prison attire!

#4: Get to Know ~ “The Wingman” James Holeva

10 Jan

“The Wingman” James Holeva and I “met” via Twitter. I checked out some info on him and thought he was a pretty sexy and interesting guy. Since I do have several male readers and really cool chick readers I knew that you guys would definitely want me to introduce you to this ladies man.

I’m so excited to have had the honor to interview this talented up-and-comer because I can assure you in no time at all he will be walking the red carpet, the next George Clooney, with a different hottie on his arm at every event.

While I have aspirations of walking the red carpet, see I Owe It All To Poop, I would never be the girl on “The Wingman’s” arm because let’s just face it, I’m totally not cool enough. And I’ve never been titty-f*cked and don’t think I’d ever want to be. It sounds painful. Does that make me a prude?

Well, don’t read on if you are a prude because this interview is Rated R. For those of you interested in testing your sexual prowess keep reading….and for my Chi-town readers “The Wingman” is having a live show this weekend — flyer below!

promo shot hat

What made you decide to not only write but to publish The Wingman Chronicles?
I figured it would get me a lot of ass, and make me a lot of money, and ass and money are what life is about. Relax I’m half-joking. Honestly I heard about Sex and the City when I was in high school and I thought how cool would it be to read something like that but from the guy’s perspective. I looked everywhere for something like that but couldn’t find it, so I had to write it myself. I always felt my life was a movie, show, book etc. and write what I know. I remember I had an English teacher Mrs. Kelleher in high school and her saying to the class about writers and fiction, and how nobody’s life is that interesting, and raising my hands and telling her my life is, and she said, you should write about it. And I was like, I have been. I don’t think she knew at the time it would be quite as filthy but like I said, I write what I know, and I write it the way I’d want to read it.

Wingman1

How long did it take you to recount your sex-capades in your autobiography? Were there any stories you just couldn’t share or did you really put it all out there?
Well like they say in music you have your whole life to write your first album so it was a situation of that. I’m a fast writer but the first story of the book was written in August of 2008, and then I would write a story here and there, then in September of 2009 I started writing a column called The Wingman Chronicles for Northeastern PA. arts & entertainment weekly The Weekender so I compiled a lot of ideas I drew from there, then kept going. It was on and off while I was working on many other things but the actual spurts of writing were very quick. Recounting the stories is easy—one thing I have going for me is although I may pretend I don’t know a lot of girls I don’t want to talk to I actually remember just about everything I’ve experienced, and I’m talking about exact conversations, what was said, how the word was said, and this goes back to being a little kid. It’s not an autobiography, it’s an autobiographical novel so there is some fiction thrown in. I originally was going to go the memoir route until the last minute but I planned for this to be a series and had some fictional ideas for the future books so I wanted to keep my options opened creatively. The book is 90 percent completely true, and the other 10 percent based on true experiences and true feelings, with some fiction mixed in. A lot of the stuff the reader will be like “this is so fucked up, this can’t be true,” it probably is true, and some of the fictional parts are actually the most personal to me. I pretty much put it all out there, and the next book will go deeper.

How do women respond to you knowing you may write about your adventures with them? How do you handle any criticism?
They go out of their way to try to do crazy shit that will get them in the book. All I could say is stay the fuck away from my ass, and stop trying to pee on me. As for criticism I used to let it get to me but I’ve learned you can’t please everybody, and when you do this kind of work any reaction is good reaction. So it’s a combination of ignoring and taking every chance I get to call a cunt a cunt. I think all the kids out there should do the same thing.

You created and star in “The Wingman” a TV pilot currently being shopped to networks…maybe the next Sex and the City? How do you like acting?
Yes, I see it as a male version in many ways, and I see it being very close to the book. In fact, I wanted the book to feel like the reader is watching a show on DVD or Netflix and the chapters to be like episodes. You could watch, in this case read, one episode at a time, or a few, or go right through the whole season like I do when I find a new show I like. I love acting, and have always wanted to act. In fact, while writing I get up and act the dialogue out to make sure it feels right.

Check out the trailer for the pilot here.

Which actress would you love to work with?
A couple who pop out are Scarlett Johansson, who I see as perfect for the Noelle character from the book, and Gina Gershon who would be great to play a character in the sequel.

Gina Gershon

Gina Gershon

You also have a debut album coming out and a radio show! How do you do it all and what do you envision for your future?
I recorded a comedy album last year, and it should be out soon. It’s going to be called “Bedrooms, Backseats and Bathroom Stalls.” The recording went awesome and really has the live experience I try to give in my shows, and wanted it to have. I think sometimes albums come off very rehearsed but my show is very interactive and crazy, I do a lot of crowd work, I do the #askwingman Q & A portion of the show where I answer sex, dating, relationship and creepin’ questions on-stage and I wanted that live energy to really come out and I think we got that. I did a syndicated weekly radio segment “Wingman Wednesday” originating on 97 BHT from 2008-2011 and that was a blast. I had to be toned down since it was a top 40 section but it went very well, and I’d answer dating and creepin’ questions every week. I’m hustling constantly and always have a ton of ideas going on. And more than half the time is spent on the business end of it all but it’s what it takes. I envision myself of course writing and starring in my own TV series, writing and starring in movies… comedy/drama, doing great work, more of The Wingman Chronicles book series, writing other books of other genres, world tour, playing Madison Square Garden, and also have other TV series and scripts… Both for me to act in, and stuff I wrote with other people in mind. And in the short term keep writing, and touring, trying to go everywhere. My book is doing well all over the world and I want all my fans to have the chance to come see me live. Yeah, I have a few plans.

Let’s talk breasts since you’ve seen a lot….big, small? Real, fake? How’s your motorboat skills?
I don’t like real tits, I don’t like fake tits, I like great tits. How they got that way is none of my concern. I don’t order dinner at a restaurant and go into the kitchen and ask the chef. What exactly did you put in this sauce, are the spices natural, is it gluten free? I just slop that up. Same with tits, which is why my motorboat skills are top notch. It’s all about the passion and the nipple sucking. However having a huge cock and all I do prefer to titty-fuck. The best part about it is keeping a girl in suspense about where I’ll blow my load.

Do you have a background in journalism/writing/communications? What would you be doing if you weren’t starting a “Wingman” brand?
Yes I do. I was a journalist for six years writing primarily sports features but a little bit of everything, from game stories, to entertainment, and some hard news. I also had a ski column “The White Stuff” (and no, I didn’t even name it), before I had my sex column “The Wingman Chronicles.” Hmm… If I wasn’t starting “The Wingman” brand I’d be working on another writing, acting or comedy related project but otherwise I’d be pursuing journalism actively or working in marketing/public relations… If it was something completely different I’d be a lawyer. You’ll see in my book I have a solid legal background, learned primarily from watching Ally McBeal and Boston Legal.

Being a native to New York I’m sure you’ve been to The Sex Museum? What was your favorite exhibit?
I’m actually a native to Clarks Summit, PA, but live in New York City now. My favorite exhibit would have to be the bathroom. Me, sex museum, horny girls… I kind of was the exhibit. Don’t worry I’m thinking about merchandising replica hard-eights.

What is your drink of choice?
Diet coke… I live on that. Alcoholic drinks is what I’m sure you actually mean and lately either Vodka Tonic or Vodka Cranberry. I used to be big into Sugar Free Red Bull and Vodka but lately the majority of my drinking is at shows, a little bit before and during, and then primarily after and I’m already amped enough from the performance so I don’t need more caffeine.

Who is your favorite sports team? Be careful…you’re talking to a lifelong Cubs fan!
Well I’m more about watching a good game in general. Baseball is by far my favorite sport to watch, but I would have to say the Phillies.

Any words of wisdom for Jlee’s readers?
Read my book, come see me live, follow me on twitter… If you’re a hot girl let me spank you on-stage, sign your tits and ass. Don’t use an endless amount of coupons in line in front of me at the grocery store. Every time you cockblock you’re not helping your friends, you’re making them hate you, and most of all don’t ever let anybody stifle your adventure.

Live in Chicago January 11th and 12th! Get your tickets!

Live in Chicago January 11th and 12th! Get your tickets!

Please follow “The Wingman” via twitter or you can ‘Like’ his FB page here. A big thank you to Mr. James Holeva! This interview has been a pleasure. I’ve been laughing and cringing. ;) Thanks again.

2012 in Review

8 Jan

Hello friends and welcome to 2013!

2012 was a pretty good year for me as I finally fully conquered the Post Partum Depression I suffered from after the birth of the Chiquita. I also revitalized Jlee’s Blog and started a fan page (do you ‘like’ me yet? If not, you can at http://www.facebook.com/jleesblog).

The end of 2012 proved slightly difficult as I suffered a bit from the blues in addition to some unfortunate family circumstances that arose before the holidays. Things aren’t 100% back in order, but I’m trying really hard to get myself back on track – complete with joining the YMCA in my area!

Our Y has a track and while I don’t love running, I do enjoy running on a track vs. a treadmill so it’s been sooo good for me to be back out there running again. And yesterday I even surprised myself by climbing the wall ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP! I have never done that before. Ever. In my entire life. What an accomplishment for me!

Photo courtesy of Chicago YMCA

Photo courtesy of Chicago YMCA

I have two goals for 2013.

One is to finally publish Concrete Boots. I know, I know, I keep saying this is the year, but I truly believe 2013 IS the year. Something about the 3 in it…like the 3rd time’s the charm since I did complete this manuscript in 2010.

Two is to run a 1/2 marathon. Yes, yes me. I am not a sporty girl, but I do like to stay fit and workout as I said above, and while I have no aspirations of running a marathon I do feel a 1/2 marathon is doable. It’s going to take a lot of work on my end – both physical and mental – because honestly if I complete this I will be so stoked. I bet birthing the Chiquita was easier for me than running this 1/2 marathon will be!

So, here’s to it in 2013 for all of us! What are your goals for 2013?

Also, in getting back on track…unfortunately Jlee’s Blog suffered a bit at the end of 2012 while I was just trying to make it through so I’m hoping to get my writing spirit back because I miss sharing my thoughts and I miss you all.

WordPress.com put together this funky little report for Jlee’s Blog that I’d like to share with you.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 44,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 10 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

Click to see the complete report featuring my top posts of 2012, what countries are viewing Jlee’s Blog, the most searched terms on Google and many more neat stats! Thanks as always for reading me!

Cheers to a wonderful year!

Cheers-to-a-New-Year

#15: Deep Thoughts by Jlee

20 Dec
Look at these sad trees...

Look at these sad trees…

Do you ever wonder what happens to all the trees sitting in parking lots that are never picked to be a family’s Christmas tree?

I started to imagine the trees getting really sad…asking each other “What’s wrong with me that I wasn’t picked?” Or “Mommy, am I too fat?” Or others wishing they could have been beautiful just one time. 

I ended up getting really sad. 

#14: Deep Thoughts by Jlee

15 Dec

While watching The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse with the Chiquita I found myself pondering which character I would have sex with….of choices Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, Pluto and Pete I found myself leaning towards Donald Duck. I like his feisty personality.  

You'd pick Donald Duck, too, right?

You’d pick Donald Duck, too, right?

A Letter to My Readers

11 Nov

Confusion settles in

It’s been a while since I’ve written something real, something raw. Since the Post Partum Depression I’ve been trying to be upbeat. I kind of went with the mentality ‘fake it till you make it’. It’s not like everything has been a lie. I am happy and I am doing well, but lately…

Honestly lately has been a struggle. A real struggle. I sat to write this after a morning of hearing “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy…” incessantly (think Stewie in Family Guy even down to me saying ‘What’ and the Chiquita saying ‘Hi’) followed by tantrums galore.

I know this is part of parenthood but I found myself in the shower thinking I just want 5 minutes of silence followed by anger that my husband is at work every God forsaken Saturday leaving me to care for our spirited toddler alone to a depression that I haven’t felt for a long time with these overwhelming feelings sadness and pure defeat. “I can’t do it today.”

When this first came on I adopted the ‘fake it till you make it’ mentality – I can do this; I’m a good mom! Yet the feelings weren’t subsiding. I wasn’t alarmed though because due to my PMDD (see Reason #26 Why I’m Crazy) I usually feel a little down for about one week out of the month. During those hard weeks I see my counselor, I journal (journaling is a great outlet and I recommend it to anyone who struggles with a lot of “feelings”), I run, and I give myself a break. I love myself just a little more; I treat myself to a latte. I also don’t drink during this time while my hormones go crazy because let’s be honest, alcohol would just make me act more like a lunatic (see Just Stop Talking).

With my lovely gift of PMDD I’m used to heightened anxiety and feelings of self-loathing once a month, but when it stretched on for weeks I knew something was wrong. My demons had been stirring – trying to get out and break my spirit and I would say that they succeeded because I’m broken today. I’m not in need of an oil change, but like a whole new engine at this point. I noticed it last night when I was out with some friends. I sat there not feeling like myself. Even staring off a bit. ‘Fake it till you make it’.

Where did this come from?

There has been a bit of stress I can attribute this to. As I always say big Italian families are great and blended families are a true testament of patience and love, but that doesn’t mean it all runs smoothly like a well-oiled machine. There have been a number of instances in the last month which have had me questioning my entire being; which have brought on those old feelings of me wanting to flee. Only this time I wanted to take the Chiquita and just run.

Out of respect for my loved ones I can’t share the details but being the sensitive soul that I am I’ve been crushed, and I’m struggling to overcome the fear, hurt and anger. Never being one who is good at letting things go here it has festered inside me until I finally cracked this morning.

Looking at my innocent and happy daughter I thought she doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve me. I made that horrible call to my doctor to say that something is wrong and that I’m not getting better. I feel like a failure, but this doesn’t just hurt me now. I have an innocent child to protect and love. We raised my medication slightly. I guess just so I can get myself back on track, which I will. I’ve had a lot of hurt in my life but I’m not going to let it bring me down. We all have something and this is the battle God gave me to fight.

Why am I sharing this today?

After the Post Partum Depression I was honestly sick of myself so I can only imagine how my loved ones felt. Scared, frustrated, annoyed, worried? The old-age “Why can’t she just be happy?” After a bit of that judgment I decided to suffer in silence. I knew what I needed to do, and I would do it. Without everyone’s opinions.

Today I realized why I haven’t been writing.

I haven’t been writing because I didn’t want to lie to my readers. I wanted to share this with you in case another mom is out there struggling. Or not even a mom – just anyone who may be out there struggling. Please stay strong as I am and know that this too shall pass.

Hello does my butt look good in these jeans?

24 Oct

A friend recently shared a blog with me. She thought as a writer I would appreciate the writing style and humor. Or wait. Maybe she thinks I wear Mom Jeans.

O.M.G.

No, it can’t be number two because I don’t buy my jeans at Old Navy.

Thank the Lord.

Go read this article so that you can be sure you’re not wearing Mom Jeans. It’s a cardinal sin. I mean, do you want to end up single because your husband thinks you have two asses? I don’t either. So read on.

Mom Jeans and The Dreaded “Long Butt”

I like to sell and shop at this resale shop by my work – Clothes Attic’d for you locals – and I spied a pair of True Religion jeans last week.

The jeans were my size but cost $55.

I desperately need want a pair of new jeans, and I’d been thinking about heading to Express to make my purchase. No, not because of the article I shared with you, so no, I do not wear Mom Jeans because I’ve been buying Express jeans all along!

That said, while they aren’t the most expensive jeans out there I’m still buying diapers (damn kid does NOT want to go on the potty) so jeans for Mom aren’t really something on the list….

I thought: I don’t feel like trying these on…I don’t feel like paying $55 for used jeans…nah.

Then I had a dream about them.

Side note: If I see something while I’m shopping and I think I like it but I’m not sure if I do I hold out. Then I see if I have a dream about said item. If I DO dream about it then it means I must go back and get it. If I don’t dream about it then I don’t really want it. True story. It works!

I’ve obviously heard of the brand True Religion but I had no clue what the jeans retailed for. I did a quick Google search. Holy cow! $250. Well, $55 is quite a steal then.

On my lunch break I head over to Clothes Attic’d and figure if the jeans are still on the rack it’s a sign from God.

Jeans are there. Yippee!

I go to the fitting room to try them on.

They look good in the front…flared…I love the flare trend by the way and am so glad its back in style.

I turn around to check out my derierre in the mirror.

2 minutes inside Jlee’s head: How do the pockets look? Are they the right size? I think my butt looks good? Does my butt look good? Can I make returns here? I like these now, but what if I get home and decide my butt doesn’t look good? What if they’re [insert the horror music] Mom Jeans! Oh my gosh, what do I do? What did the article say again? Oh my gosh, I can’t remember. Should I look it up on my phone?

I decide to take a picture. Of my ass. In the mirror.

I take out my phone. OK, I’ll send this to my friends and say “How’s my ass?”

I mean, this is important! They’ll understand. They’ll drop everything and respond.

I discover it’s really hard to take a picture of your backside in the mirror. After this awful attempt I decided this wasn’t going to work.

Nice pic, right?

Now what?

I could walk out of the fitting room…yeah…I could walk up to the checkout and ask the ladies.

“Um…hi…can you tell me how my ass looks? See, I’m really concerned that these may be Mom Jeans. I’m actually having a panic attack in the fitting room. I popped a Xanax and decided to come out here and ask you. So, here, I’ll turn around. Um…so how does my ass look?”

*Crickets*

But, I did actually do this, only I didn’t pop a Xanax. I didn’t come out wearing the jeans. And I didn’t ask them how my ass looked. So I guess I really didn’t actually do as mentioned above, but when I went to the checkout I did start babbling incessantly about Mom Jeans and can I return these jeans if they are in fact Mom Jeans and how I read this article about Mom Jeans … I was going on and on. I needed a Xanax.

I came back to work and tweeted the article to the Owner, who did say I have seven days to return said jeans, but also told me that True Religion is a great brand and basically cannot be Mom Jeans. Like it’s an oxymoron. Still feeling a bit unsure I made the purchase and said I would go home and check out my ass in the comfort of my own home.

And you know I would also ask all my friends, my husband, my mom….Mom Jeans are not something to mess around with.

Well asking my husband is useless because he likes my ass in anything, or preferably in nothing, and he was more than excited to be my photographer. I told my girlfriends I feel like the True Religion jeans pockets are too long. What do you think?

These are the exact texts:

I feel like the pockets are too long

Pix are not turning out but here’s my ass in Express. Way better right?

Express

True Religion

My friends received four pictures of my ass. They lucked out because my husband insisted on taking about 20, then asked to take some with the jeans off which I scoffed at saying, “We’re not doing a photo shoot, we’re doing research. Blog research. This is important!”

He just doesn’t get it.

I then proceeded to check out chicks asses all weekend long. In line at Dunkin Donuts, at the grocery store, at the gas station…my husband was even checking out asses and giving feedback. He even asked a chick where she got her jeans from. Yeah, it was embarrassing.

I still haven’t made a final decision and time is running out.

Awesome friend’s response: “I like the True Religion a lot!!!! Ur ass looks great girl, i swear!!”

What do you think?

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