Tag Archives: Drive Thru

Jlee’s Review – The Banana Diet

22 Feb

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I would say about once a year I decide to tighten my belt. Or um loosen in this case because my True Religion jeans don’t fit. Same thing happened last year – remember 5 Days of Insanity?

I think it has something to do with winter and needing a little extra padding. I tend to hibernate in the winter – after all I just admitted to watching 5 hours in a row of Bethenny Ever After – and during the holidays I always loosen up a little bit. Instead of one cookie I eat 10. And now here we are…approaching spring…and the other day I button my True Religion jeans (that barely even made it over my ass) and I’ve got this role hanging over my pants.

I looked in the mirror completely disgusted. “What is this?” I asked my husband.

“What?”

“This!?!” I say while squeezing the roll. “You don’t SEE this?!?”

“I think you look pretty damn good,” he says, giving me the eye.

While I do appreciate that, deep down no matter what your size you know what is acceptable for you. And barely zipping my True Religion jeans is not acceptable for me.

I’m thinking this is going to turn into a yearly thing….approaching spring feels like a good time to hit the reset button. Start fresh. Regroup. Time to remind myself that moderation is key and blah blah blah.

So I Googled ‘Japanese diet’. I seriously did. I mean the Japanese are skinny right?

I even Googled ‘fat Japanese person’ just as a reference for this post and look what I stumbled upon…Fat in Japan? You’re Breaking the Law, though I don’t know if this law is still in effect?

Deciding the Japanese diet probably wasn’t for me I decided on the Banana diet.

Photo courtesy of truththeory.com

Photo courtesy of truththeory.com

Here it is:

For 3-4 days you eat 3-5 bananas/day combining them with 3-4 cups of low-fat milk. If you’re not a big milk drinker you can drink almond milk.

Quick side note: I’m obsessed with almond milk. I started drinking it about six months ago. I don’t drink a ton of milk, and this milk never goes bad. It lasts forever. If I buy a ½ gallon of almond milk at about $4 it will last me for two weeks. Plus it has fewer calories. Win-win!

You can also eat your banana with plain yogurt. You can eat the banana and the yogurt separately or you can blend one banana with one cup of milk and/or yogurt to make a smoothie.

According to the website this 3-4 day banana diet will help you lose 6 pounds. Not only do I have about 5 pounds to lose but I also have to get my appetite down – it’s like I’ve been starving all day every day for the past 2-3 weeks! – and clean out the processed foods. Way too much pizza and take-out lately.

They also have a 7 day diet menu featured on their website.

I opted to do the 3 day diet, but I did it for 4 days.

Here is my experience:

silkDay 1: Day 1 was an absolute breeze. While I can’t completely skip coffee I did decide to detox from Dunkin Donuts iced coffee for four days while on this “cleanse”. I did make a small coffee in the AM but instead of cream I added almond milk and 1 tsp of sugar – which for me is intense. My coffee is like dessert…cream, sugar, the whole nine yards.

I ate four bananas throughout my work day. I started at 8:30 AM and timed my eating out until 4:30 pm to eat 1 banana and drink 1 cup of milk every 2-3 hours. I was feeling pretty good!

When I got home I made a banana smoothie. I blended my 5th banana, 1 more cup of milk, plain Greek yogurt and a handful of ice. It was pretty delicious!

Throughout the day I sipped on water and Green tea.

Yes, I was hungry, but as I said above I’ve been hungry regardless of what I’ve eaten for the past 2-3 weeks. So before even when I was actually eating I was still starving. I went to bed feeling content and good about myself, whereas the last week of binging has left me going to bed feeling very blah.

Day 2: Day 2 I woke up feeling hungry. Not a good start. I sort of had the shakes too. I made my coffee at home with almond milk and skipped the sugar. I walked in the office at 7:59 and ate a banana.

I’m not going to lie. Day 2 was a struggle. Day 2 I thought about breaking down and getting Dunkin Donuts iced coffee and knew that would get me through. And then I reminded myself that is what heroin addicts say.

In an effort now to just prove a point to myself that I can go four days without DD I decided to stay firm. I mean, for the love of God, there are Americans overseas fighting a war, and I’m having a breakdown in my office about not having Dunkin Donuts iced coffee? Good grief.

At noon I broke down and ate a hard-boiled egg. In the 7 day version you are allowed to eat hard-boiled eggs. I figured it was better than breaking down completely and getting a Big Mac. I also chugged 1 cup of milk in 4 seconds flat. I set down the cup and wished it was a glass of red wine, but oh well. On Friday I plan on getting hammered. On iced coffee and wine.

For dinner I ate my banana smoothie plus I indulged in a bowl of lettuce. Not salad. Lettuce. Just lettuce. In a bowl. It’s actually not very good.

I was really aggravated and crabby all evening. My husband yelled at me to not take my hunger out on him. I yelled at him to not talk to me because he is annoying. I went to bed at 8:30 PM relieved to end the day.

Day 3: I woke up feeling not as hungry and in better spirits. I put on a pair of jeans – tight! Ugh! – and decided this is a good thing seeing as though my jeans are still tight.

I made coffee at home and managed to hold off on my banana and glass of almond milk until 8:30 AM.  At noon I ate a hard-boiled egg.

I think it’s weird that I don’t feel that bad….I felt pretty energetic and happy. I just wished I could go get Dunkin Donuts. What does this say about me? I find it slightly alarming, but my husband says it’s the hunger talking. I’m not hungry, per se, but I’m really sick of eating the same thing.

I keep reminding myself that I only have one more day to go. I will take pride in successfully taking off 4 days of DD to get myself in ‘check’…Four days of remembering what it feels like to view food as gas for your body as opposed to the luxury of eating…

I definitely felt the best on Day 3. I even made it to the YMCA and signed up for a bootcamp class. I did totally suck in bootcamp. I think of myself as a somewhat in shape person so I’m not sure if I’m just not as in shape as I thought or if it was the fact that I am consuming fewer calories than usual. Either way, I did complete bootcamp and felt pretty damn good about myself!

When we got home I sat with the Chiquita to watch the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. She ate her goldfish, and I snacked (1/3 cup) on nut and berry mix from Trader Joe’s. It was quite tasty.

I slept like a rock.

Day 4: I woke up feeling like it should be Friday. It should be my Dunkin Donuts day. Ugh. I seriously have another day of this?

I don’t feel that hungry, but I’m just so over this…

I remembered I have an event tonight. I will have to attend without eating or drinking. I will stay strong and do it because I’ve come this far; I’m not bailing now.

I sipped Green tea after my first milk and banana combo. For lunch I had a hard-boiled egg again. The hard-boiled egg has been a nice addition to this diet. I did also snack on my Trader Joe’s nut and berry mix. I told you, I’m losing steam, but I am staying strong.

TunacharlieMy uncle told me that he has heard of a modified version of the banana diet from a friend who is a nutritionist/body builder. He said that when his friend is in competition mode his diet changes to a banana/tuna diet. I think this actually doesn’t sound that bad but remember I make my tuna with mayo, mustard, celery…I don’t think I could even eat plain tuna without gagging. It doesn’t help that I have a fish phobia. But, something to think about if you like tuna.

Reminds me of the dude I worked with in high school who ate plain tuna in the can every single day. We called him Tuna Ass Breath Man. To this day I still call him Tuna. LOL

I continue to repeat in my head: Just get through today to have Dunkin Donuts tomorrow. What kind of sick obsession is this? It’s worse than my obsession with Juicy Couture. Or Giuliana Rancic.

Day 5: I made it. I know you’re wondering if I ate or drank at last night’s event, and I’m happy to report that I didn’t. :) Shame on you for doubting me! I did, however, attend with an 8 oz. coffee. I figured if I had the coffee taste in my mouth I’d be less likely to falter. My coffee was made with almond milk and 1 tsp. of sugar. I stuck through to the end.

This morning I pulled in the Dunkin Donuts drive thru excited to get my iced coffee. I’d been debating on my ride over if I should get it with skim milk or cream. I opted for skim milk. It’s not the same, but wasn’t bad and if felt great to take the first sip.

DD

When I got to work I even had a banana.

I feel great. :)

Some common questions:

1. Aren’t you constipated?
Nope! My poops have been plentiful!

2. Are you really eating only bananas?
I am really eating everything I described above.

3. Aren’t you getting sick of bananas?
Fuck yeah.

4. How do you feel on the banana diet versus the juice cleanse?
I feel a lot better on the banana diet then I felt on the juice cleanse. On the juice cleanse I was very sore. I felt sick and lethargic. I had the shakes and diarrhea. I had headaches. I was a mess. On the banana diet I feel pretty good honestly! I really just can’t get over how much I miss Dunkin Donuts iced coffee. I’m convinced they put drugs in it because I am drinking one small coffee (8 oz.) per day with almond milk and lite or no sugar so it’s not like I’m not drinking any coffee at all.

5. Would you do it again?
Absolutely! It gave me a great sense of accomplishment in addition to the reset my body needed. It’s also cheap and easy to do – just buy some milk and bananas.

6. Did you lose any weight?
I’m honestly not sure. I don’t weigh myself. I have to try on my True Religion jeans this weekend. What I can tell you is that I feel great. I feel not only a sense of accomplishment but my body feels great! My stomach looks smaller, my pants fit better today and maybe I’m just in love with myself today but I honestly feel like I even look better! I highly recommend this diet!

Please use the comments section below to tell us of any outrageous diets you’ve tried!

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I Keep Hitting Repepepepepeat

16 Mar

In honor of Selena Gomez and my current favorite song “I Love You Like a Love Song” (Yes, I’m a dork because I blast this song in my car) I’m going to start featuring some Repepepepepeats of old posts that remain wildly popular.

I realize those of you who have been reading since day 1 have already read this one, but seriously only if you’ve been reading since day 1, because this was my very 1st post!

Jlee’s blog has come a longggg way, so be prepared because I will be featuring some other Repepepepepeats along the way that you may or may not enjoy. Remember, I went through a crazy phase….so be prepared.

Side note: If you think I’m crazy now these may knock you on your ass. Seriously.

I’ve actually thought about deleting some of the old crazy stuff, but I feel like it’s a part of Jlee’s history…I’m still learning and still growing and who says all my craziness is gone anyways? If I’ve taught you 1 thing it’s that Italian women are crazy. :)

So, for my newer readers I hope you enjoy some of my featured Repepepepepeats. Here is my very 1st official blog post from March 4, 2010:

Keep It Simple Stupid; 6 Simple Rules for Going Through the Drive-Thru

Image courtesy of Yahoo images

From McDonald’s to Starbuck’s everyone seems to have a drive-thru nowadays.  Many drive-thrus are even open 24/7.  We have become a fast paced and spoiled society.  We want things to come to us quickly, easily and cheap!The bottom line being that drive-thrus are convenient for customers on-the-go.   The convenience factor is important in today’s high-speed world.  You go through the drive-thru:  When you are running late (because it’s quick), for ease (if you have a baby/little one in the car, it’s much easier to go through the drive-thru for your vanilla latte then to park, unbuckle, rebuckle, etc. (any mom will get this), and in bad weather conditions, no one wants to jump in and out of the car to run into Dunkin Donuts for a hot coffee when Chicago winters hit twenty below zero.  You also might choose to go through the drive-thru out of sheer laziness on any given day.

I, like everyone else, go to the drive-thru for all of the above reasons.  I go at least once/day generally in the morning for my caffeine fix.  I go to a number of different establishments (I like to mix it up), and I find myself getting aggravated on an almost daily basis due to some moron in front of me who does not know drive-thru etiquette.

After several venting posts on Facebook, in which I detail the one offense the jackass in front of me has committed, I decided it’s about time I sit down and put it all out there, you know, lay down some ground rules, so I can get a coffee in the morning without experiencing daily anger and/or anxiety due to the following:

#1 – Be Polite
How hard is it to greet the person who greets you?  When the speakers says ‘Good morning, can I take your order?’ 3 out of 4 people respond with ‘I want a large coffee.’  Where are your manners people?  Greet the speaker back!  ‘Good morning!  I would like a large coffee please.’  They give you the total and ask you to pull around.  Why not say ‘thank you?’  Our society has become so rush-rush that we are not even courteous to each other anymore.  We’re so used to computers that we’ve lost any personal interaction.  We don’t even realize that there is a person standing behind that speaker.  So remember to mind your manners – a simple please, thank you and have a nice day will do.

#2 – Limit Your Order to 2-3 Items
Drive-thrus are meant to be for quick and easy service.  If you have five people in your car who are ordering five different meals – and for the love of God may be paying five different ways – have some common courtesy.  Think about the person/people in line behind you – probably me – who wants to order one item.  Ordering too much in the drive-thru always leads to confusion between the “orderer” and the “orderee” which then holds up the people behind you.  When you are ordering that many items do us all a favor and get your fat ass out of the car and go inside to place your order.

This brings me to #3 – No Special Orders
It always amazes me that there are people out there who go thru the drive-thru and try to order their McDonald’s cheeseburger exactly to their liking. ‘Yes, I would like a cheeseburger, but nothing on that except ketchup and pickles.’  This inevitably always confuses the speaker who will respond with ‘What?’  Then you will repeat your order and this fiasco will go back and forth until you finally resign to just pull around to the window.  Again, remember the drive-thru is a place of speed and convenience – for ALL – not just you, Princess.  So if you want your tall non-fat, no-whip, extra foam, extra hot, double shot mocha than as I said above do us all a favor and get your lazy ass out of the car and go inside to place your order.

Which brings me to #4 – No Coupons
Do not, I repeat, do NOT try to use coupons when going through the drive-thru.  This is not Jewel.  These people do not see coupons on a regular basis.  So when you order an entrée from Panera Bread and you tell the speaker you have a coupon for a free drink this will cause the speaker confusion.  The speaker cannot simply hit a blanket ‘coupon’ button on their system that will magically know which coupon you have and for which dollar amount.  Generally the speaker will need to see the coupon in order to enter the correct coupon code into their system.  It’s common sense, but in case you didn’t know, all coupons have a bar code or a numerical code printed on it.  So let’s repeat, if you are choosing to use a coupon with your purchase, please do us all favor and get your cheap ass out of the car and go inside to place your order.

#5 – Have Your Money Ready
Apparently this was such a big problem at McDonald’s that they have actually posted signs throughout the drive-thru reading “Please have your money ready.”  This is another thing that strikes me as common sense.  You probably order the same thing everyday – especially us early morning stoppers – so more than likely you already know the order total, or you’ve sat in line behind two or three people, so can’t you at least open your wallet and pull out a $20 if you don’t know the total?  And for the love of God, do not dig for change in your wallet, ladies!  You can only give change if you have it in your hand prior to pulling up to the pay window.  Or – and this is a gray area – or if the change is relatively easy to pull out.  Do I need to spell this out?  $2.26, OK.  $3.01, OK.  $4.96, NOT OK.  Give a $5 and get four cents back, and further, give your four cents to the McDonald’s charity, cheap ass!

And last, #6 – Speak Clearly
This goes for both sides.  Often during the busiest times companies will put a heavily accented employee on the drive-thru.  This makes no sense to those of us placing our orders.  This gets us all off to a bad start.  And the same applies to those of us placing our orders:  Turn your car radio down, tell your kids to shut up and please get off your cell phone!  The drive-thru attendant does not care if this is a phone call with President Obama.  Not only is it annoying, but it is also extremely rude to be on your cell phone while in the drive-thru.  If you must be on your phone – tell your caller when it is your turn to order so when you say “Hi, an iced mocha please,” the caller doesn’t say “What?” and then you say “I’m at the drive-thru,” and then the speakers says, “What?”  And it is a vicious cycle of chaos!  Tell your caller to hold on.  And set your phone down and review #1 when you get to the pay window.  You do not need to be on your cell phone discussing last night’s Grey’s Anatomy episode while throwing a $20 bill at the employee.  Have some class!  Just because they work a drive-thru does not mean they are beneath you.

So what prompted this rant besides saving my own self the frustrations I endure on a daily basis?  Well, on Sunday morning I was behind someone in a McDonald’s drive-thru who actually committed each of these “sins.”  No joke.  It’s one thing to commit one or maybe two at a time, but to commit all six?  As I sat behind him in the drive-thru for 10 – yes 10 – minutes, when I simply wanted to order an iced coffee, I nearly popped a blood vessel in my neck.  I was like raging pissed over this.  I sat in my car talking to myself, saying things like “Are you kidding me?”  “Move your @ss!”  and then finally “A f*cking coupon?  Are you serious right now, a f*cking coupon!”

I almost lost it over the coupon.  I’m not kidding you.  I almost got out of my car and walked to his window to let him know the absolute disgust I had for him at that moment.  And then it occurred to me, maybe other people don’t know?  Maybe other people are as clueless as this dope in front of me?  At that moment I decided it was time to turn my anger into a positive thing.  Or somewhat positive.  And hence the beginning of JLEE’s blog.

Enjoy my rants, or don’t.  I really don’t care.

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Ramblings of a Single Mama

8 Mar

Last weekend my husband and his brother took a guy’s trip to spend time with my father-in-law who was recently widowed.  I have to admit I was sort of excited that he was leaving.  The house all to myself.  I can watch Pretty Little Liars without his “this show is so stupid” in my ear.  Yayyy

I guess I didn’t have the house all to myself though, I mean, obvi I had the Chiquita.  It’s not like I got rid of her for the weekend.  I was sort of excited to spend some quality time just me and my girl, but I have to be honest that I was also a bit nervous about it.

I’m very fortunate that my husband is very helpful with our daughter and around the house.  I often complain very dramatically, “Do I have to do everything around here???”  And while some days it does feel that way (who does the laundry, feeds the cats, packs the Chiquita’s diaper bag, etc.) I do know that I’m very lucky.  I do know that some men come home from work, sit their asses on the couch and don’t do shit all night expecting their wives to serve them dinner on a silver platter.

I’ll tell you one thing.  That shit ain’t happening in my house.  While I do take care of my husband in some ways (I always have his clean clothes folded neatly on the bed) I certainly expect that he helps me around the house and with the baby, as I work full time, too, and am also tired after a long day at the office.

So hubs leaves Friday afternoon.  I pick up the Chiquita after work, and I make plans with my bonus daughters to come over for pizza and girl talk.  After the girls leave I decide to stay up late on the couch watching TV. I never do this.  I always go to bed early and in my bed.  I ended up falling asleep on the couch and waking up at 2 am freezing, a cat’s ass in my face and a serious kink in my neck.

The Chiquita is up at 6 am, which like never happens.  Seriously?  I make her lay in bed until 7 because there is no way I’m getting up at work time on a Saturday.  Sorry girl!  I could hear her talking to herself in her crib so I laid in bed for another hour, fighting a pounding headache and a runny nose.

Not sure if I was hung over or if I was fighting a cold, but I get girlfriend up at 7.  I give her a bottle and jump in shower hoping that she’ll sit on the couch and watch TV quietly.  No such luck, she’s in the bathroom on top of me for the entire time I’m trying to get ready – Bad Mom post on that coming later.

My mom shows up at 9:50 am. We had planned to go the mall, and I wanted to get there nice and early so we could get a coffee, get a good parking spot and tire out the Chiquita so she’d take a nice long afternoon nap.  When my mom showed up I felt terrible because I wasn’t ready.  For one I had the Chiquita up my ass since 7 am and for two I hadn’t had my iced coffee yet so I was moving in turtle time.

We finally get to the mall and the Easter bunny is there.  I’ve always hated the Easter bunny.  I don’t know why, I just have.  He’s like a wannabe Santa Claus or something, and as a kid I was just like, the Easter bunny is soooo gayyy. I also hated looking for eggs.  I thought it was the dumbest thing ever.  My mom’s all excited, “We have to get Eva’s picture taken with the Easter bunny!”

I say, “Mom, I just don’t feel that today is the day.  I mean, look at us.  I look like a mess, Eva looks like a mess.  We’re just not our best selves today.”

We finally get our coffee from Dunkin Donuts (yes, there’s one in the mall!), and I start sipping that sucker down like it’s a vodka/soda on a [childless] Saturday night.

“You have to get over this perfection thing,” my mom says. “Who cares if Eva isn’t her normal cute self?  This is what she looks like today, that’s what matters.  You’ll look back on the picture some day and remember what that day was.”

I know she is right so I agree to the picture.  Of course there’s noooo line. This is probably the only time EVER in the history of Jlee’s Blog that I’ve hoped for just a small line to have a second to regroup.  We walk up, and I am like so flustered because I have to pick my picture package, fix Chiquita’s hair, I’m trying to drink my coffee, my purse is falling off my shoulder….I’m totally a mess right now, and my mom is grabbing the stroller as I’m dancing around the bunny’s lair like an idiot.

“Move your hand, mom!” They tell me, while we’re trying to get girlfriend to smile, and she just was not having it.  Then the tears came.  I would have let her sit there crying and had them snap a picture, but my mom is like, “You better go get her!” [with a like-duhhhh tone]

Geez…she’s not going to die!

I reluctantly go grab her and as we’re reviewing the pictures I’m bummed she’s not looking [at the camera] in any of them.  I don’t want to pay $20 for a picture of the side of her head.  They say I can throw her back on the bunny’s lap.  But as we’re approaching the bunny she was like, Oh hell no.  So, enjoy this picture of me, Chiquita and the Easter bunny:

Chiquita looks less than thrilled

The next day we had brunch with my dad, my stepmom and my siblings for my stepmom’s birthday, and of course I wait until the last minute to get my stepmom a birthday gift.  Chiquita is again up at 6 am, wtf, she usually sleeps until 7:30 on weekends!, and I again shower and get ready for the day with her up my ass and no coffee.

I’m about to DIE.  We get to Dunkin Donuts at 9:50 am so I order an iced coffee, and I give in and buy a munchkin for the Chiquita.  I hand it over to her and she f’ing drops it on the floor.

“What are you doing?” I yell.

She looks at me like she’s completely devastated, but I can also tell she’s sort of blaming me, which I’m like, sorry sister, you’re the one with the slippery fingers.

I’m aggravated now telling her, “We gotta get to Walmart, and all I want to do is drink my iced coffee, but now I gotta pull over to pick up your damn donut!”  Yes, I said damn.  I told you, I need coffee in the morning.

She’s mumbling back at me, probably telling me to STFU and pick up her GD donut.  Yeah, she’s a piece of work.  We pull over at the gas station, and I’m getting eyed by a brother in an old school maroon Cadillac.  I laugh to myself thinking doesn’t he see that I’m the frazzled “single” mom here??? I’m just not appreciating it right now even though normally I don’t care if it’s an 80 year old with a cane; I’m still like suh-weet, someone thinks I’m HOT! :D

So we [finally] make it to Walmart, and I just hate this place.  Hell for me would be being sent to Walmart during rush hour because that place is a friggin’ panic attack waiting to happen.  I’ve almost rammed people with my shopping cart in that place B.C. [before Chiquita], and I actually stopped shopping there for many years.  But, my stepmom loves Walmart so I figure at the very least I can pick up a gift card and she’ll be really happy.

I finally settle on a gift – and some nail polish for me – and we head out of the store.  This is a rare instance when I’m actually going to be on time for something.  I’m getting my bags and Chiquita out of the cart (this was a bad decision because I nearly dropped Chiquita, my coffee, and the present trying to get to the car). Part of her present I wrapped in the car (a candle) and the other part (a big picture) she got in the Walmart shopping bag. Classy.

As we’re walking out of the store a man is waving at us, and I look at him like wtf are you looking at but say to Chiquita, “Wave to the man.”

Side note, am I supposed to do that or should I be teaching her stranger-danger??  The man waves back and must see that I’m eyeing him because he says, “It’s OK, I know your daughter.”

What?!?  How does the Chiquita even know people at Walmart? She’s 1!

I text my mom and say, “Do u know some Indian dude who works at Walmart, cuz he says he knows Eva.”

My mom responds, “What?  No.”

We are the first to arrive at Baker’s Square for my stepmom’s b-day brunch, and did you know that BS serves booze?  I totes didn’t, but when I found out I ordered a mimosa.

Side note, I know it sounds like I’m an alcoholic, but I’m really not.  I just use alcohol as a coping mechanism for managing my stress.  And don’t feel you need to comment on it because that’s what I pay my counselor for, but thank you for your concern.

Brunch is wonderful and we head home around 2 pm, both of us taking 3 hour naps.  We both took 3 hours naps the day before as well.

Hubs usually drops the Chiquita off with my stepmom on Monday morning.  My stepmom lives a little further than my mom so I was worried about getting us both out the door and getting myself to work on time.  I was 8 minutes late, but I made it in one piece and in a decent mood actually sort of excited to be at work.  It’s like I do less work at work.

Hubs was supposed to be heading home Monday afternoon, and I’m getting the feeling he’s up in the air on leaving his dad.  I’m definitely supportive of him spending time with his dad and his bro, but I was sick with a cold, PMSing – or PMDDing really – and was just about at my wit’s end over this whole single mom business.  Truth be told I was exhausted.  And I needed him.  And I missed him, though I didn’t realize it at the time.

At the time I was ready to have a breakdown.  I didn’t think I could handle another night of being a single mom.  I know I only have one kid.  I know several of my friend’s husbands often travel for a week at a time.  I have friends who are single moms.  I don’t know what to say.  At the end I was ashamed that I was about to have a breakdown over this.  I know other people have it so much harder.  I knew I needed to be strong, but I was feeling like I couldn’t do it.

I finally put on my BGP – have I ever mentioned BGP in my blog before?  It’s a phrase my friends and I say to each other when life gets tough.  BGP = Big Girl Pants.  (For instance, my friend texted me that she had anxiety about going to a new yoga class.  I responded, “You can do it, BGP.”)

I finally put on BGP and made it through the night just fine.  I proved to myself that I could survive my weekend as a single mama.  Yayyy

Major props to all you single peeps out there, whether it’s being a single mom/dad or having a traveling hubby.  It sure is tough, so remember BGP, pat yourself on the back and have a glass of wine (or two) to survive manage the stress. :D

P.S. While I write this I’m eating lunch made for me by my wonderful hubby! I had to put that in because if he reads this he’ll say I make him look like an ass who doesn’t do anything around the house. Haha

More pics of weekend fun:

Chiquita riding the train at the mall

Hamming it up at brunch at Bakers Square

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Love and Loss

23 Oct

RIP Dexter - October 22, 2011

My head is pounding but I can’t sleep. My eyes are red and swollen from crying and my heart aches with emptiness and sorrow. I sit here alone. My husband and I tried to laugh through Bad Teacher, me sipping on Santa Margherita and he drinking tequila on ice, anything to get us through this pain. We went up to bed together both ready to end this miserable day, but I can’t sleep. I lay in bed thinking that this could be my greatest loss to date. My racing thoughts become too much to bear and so I get up to sit downstairs alone. In the dark. It is so peaceful and quiet. I’ve lit candles as an ode to Dexter. I know he would be downstairs by my side right now instead of sleeping upstairs in his cozy bed. He would be worried about me.

The clock goes tick-tick-tick, and I can hear the Burlington Northern racing down the tracks as I’m snuggled on the sofa. I don’t know where to begin or where to end. I want this to be about my love for Dexter, I want to share many memories with you of a dog that brought so much joy into my life. But first I need to explain some things.

I never had any pets growing up. Well, I take that back. I had a bird named Petrie. He was tragically murdered in an awful situation that included him getting stepped on by my mom as she was walking into the kitchen with bags full of groceries. See Petrie used to fly and walk around our house. He would give us kisses and watch TV perched on our shoulder. He was a pretty awesome bird, and I remember coming home to find out he was murdered. I sort of say that to bug my mom because she gets so upset. She insists she didn’t murder Petrie. OK, mom, it was involuntary manslaughter then.

When I was 19 I decided to bring home a kitten. You know my parents loved that. My boyfriend at the time and I had the brilliant idea to get a 6-week old kitten. Kennedy – my partner in crime. She’s still with me today. She’s 12-years-old and feisty as ever. Kennedy has been with me through a lot. We’ve had a long road; we’ve essentially grown up together. I adore her. And no, she was not named after John F. Kennedy.

At 22 my boyfriend (now husband) and I brought in Kelsey, referred to as Kelse-Kelse. Oh where I do begin with Kelse-Kelse? Kelse is a black cat, but he’s as sweet as can be. I always refer to Kelse as my problem child. It’s like I got Kennedy who was the perfect being so I had the fab idea to get another cat, and we got Kelse-Kelse who we thought was a girl for 6 months but later found out was a boy when we took him in to get spayed and he came back neutered. That was pretty traumatic. Kelsey is also a dizzy cat. If you don’t know what a dizzy cat is, the short version is he’s a cat that can’t jump. He’s a wobbly sucker that walks like he’s drunk. The sad part is he runs into walls a lot so it can be difficult to watch at times. I do feel that we saved him though. The nasty man whose cat had kittens had had an infection which spread to Kelse. He was the only kitten who got it, and the only kitten left. I’m certain he was going to throw him on the street because no one would take the ugly little wobbly kitten. He is kind of ugly, but not to me because he’s mine.

Being a mommy to animals taught me about a new love, a different kind of love than I’d ever experienced. I now have such strong love and respect for animals. They love with their whole hearts. They are always there for you. They are always happy to see you.

So of course when I found out that my good friend’s sis needed someone to take Dexter I was open to the idea of a dog. I’d never had a dog, but for one week when my mom decided to get a puppy and then changed her mind and returned her while I was at school. My husband has had dogs his whole life and was ready for a dog as well. We liked the idea of an older dog that didn’t need to be potty trained and had grown up with cats. And that is how Dexter came into our lives. He’s been with us for about four years.

Back in July, right around Chiquita’s 1st birthday, we started to notice that Dexter didn’t have the spunk he used to have. He started urinating in the house. He started drinking water excessively. He lost 15 pounds in three short months. We knew something was wrong. After several vet visits, medications and continued accidents in our house we decided it was time. It was time to let go. To say good-bye to an amazing member of our family.

When I said above that this could be my greatest loss to date I don’t say that to disrespect the relatives I have lost. I say that because I am a very lucky girl who has lost a handful of relatives that had lived long and prosperous lives. I have lost people that I miss very much, but that I can look up to with fond memories. Losing Dexter is the first loss of a beloved pet (besides Petrie, who I still fondly remember despite the murder) and is the first loss in my life at the hands of me.

I was forced to make this awful decision this morning. I was supposed to go to the pumpkin farm with the Chiquita and my sister and nephew. I woke up to a beautiful and sunny Chicago fall day. We don’t have many of those days that make you truly happy to be alive. My intention was to go to my yoga class which I’ve sadly missed for the last month because of other commitments. I just got a lecture from my shrink about how important working out is for my “mental health” and how I “really need to make a commitment to help myself.” Today was going to be my official back to the gym moment followed by a coffee treat.

I’m getting Eva ready to go and know that we are cutting it close to the time that we need to leave. I’m stressing because I decide at that moment to strip Eva’s bed. Suddenly I hear water flowing. What the heck? I turn around to see Dexter’s leg up peeing right in Eva’s room. Right in front of me. Right in front of Eva. In the middle of her room. I lost it, I tell you. I completely lost it. I’m screaming at Dexter. I’m screaming at Eva. Eva starts crying, and I shoo them both out of the bedroom. Not my proudest moment.

I’m about to completely lose it so I go in my bedroom and sit on my bed. I take a deep breath. Dexter has been having accidents in my house for months. Pee, poop, vomit. It’s started to take a toll on us because our house stinks, and we got to a point where we were at our wit’s end. We were turning on each other – we being my husband and I. We were both hurt and angry knowing the end was near so it was much easier to just be mean to each other.

But, back to me on the bed ready to lose it. I call my mom crying hysterically, and she doesn’t answer her cell phone. I text my husband who is at work. I’m sitting there feeling sad, frustrated and alone. I’m crying my eyes out, and I completely snap. I pick up Eva’s bottle, and I throw it across the room where it hits the wall and then falls to the floor. Eva starts laughing. It was at that moment that I woke up. What was that? What kind of an example is this that I’m setting for my daughter? And she sees my flash of anger and frustration and she laughs? Does she think this is normal? You don’t know how badly I want to raise a normal and healthy young girl. I don’t want to raise an angry depressed basket case. I must put an end to this cycle! I must be for my daughter the person I want her to grow to be.

I decide to go to Dunkin Donuts as iced coffee is always my bright moment of the day. I’m crying in the drive-thru while I’m on the phone with my grandma, yes, a faux pas according to my drive-thru rules, and then I say to myself, you know what!? I’m going to Sally Beauty Supply to buy myself some hair extensions (PS I managed to get my extensions on sale for more than 50% off, sorry, probably not appropriate to mention that). Let me also mention that at this very moment Kelse-Kelse is lying next to me on the couch snoring away, maybe dreaming about Dexter. Awww.

We go into Sally and it’s 9:30 am. We both look like hot messes, me more so than Eva with red and swollen eyes and still in my pajamas. I say to the woman that we’ve had a very tough morning. This woman looks like she could care less, like I’m the most annoying person in the world. But, I don’t care. I had to get it out. Even though she’s a complete stranger.

And then she kindly said to me, “What happened honey?”

I’m holding Eva and explain the events of the morning. I tell her how I failed by losing it in front of my daughter, I tell her how I don’t want to put my dog to sleep but I don’t know what to do, I tell her how my husband and I are at each other’s throats, and I’m losing it all at this moment. She looks at me and she says this:

“You need to let go. He’s ready to go. He knows it’s time.” She tells me a story about her own dog, and how her dog started to pee in the house and got very ill. Her dog started to constantly be under her feet because she knew it was time. Dexter has been my shadow for the last month, I mean more so than usual. He’s under my feet every time I turn around. I’ve constantly had him or Eva walking on my heels. She’s telling me all this stuff and it’s like God is talking to me, He’s telling me “It’s time, Jen. It’s OK. You can let go. You’ve given Dexter a good life, and it’s time to let him go to doggie Heaven.”

That’s when I made the decision. I came home and called the vet. I hugged him and stopped being angry. I told him I loved him. I cried some more. I called his 1st mommy and asked her to come over and say good-bye. I asked my stepmom to pick up Eva so my husband and I could have the afternoon with Dexter. We took him for a long walk. We gave him treats.

And we were with him until the very end. I’ve never done anything like this before, and I was stronger than I imagined I could ever be. I was balling my eyes out don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t even sure if I could be in the room, but I felt like, what was I supposed to do? Just drop Dexter off and be like, see ya, and let him die alone? I couldn’t do that to him. I needed to be there no matter how difficult it was. And believe me it was difficult. The vet was so compassionate and sensitive to our loss. They took Dexter in the back to give him a shot to put him to sleep. He came back into the room and we laid with him on the floor until he fell asleep. We pet him and told him we loved him the entire time. And then the doctor came in to give him the shot to stop his heart and breathing. It was devastating but very quick. Seeing his breathing stop was weird. I’ve never seen a dead body in front of me before. I thought I would be scared or grossed out, but I wasn’t. It was Dexter. How could I be grossed out? It was my Doofy, as I nicknamed him, lying in front of me. We said our good-byes and walked out the door.

Dexter’s ashes will be spread in the Hinsdale cemetery. Despite my overwhelming sadness I feel a sense of peace. I know we did the right thing. I know we gave Dexter a good life. He was very loved by all of us. I’m sad that Eva won’t have the opportunity to remember him.

And now for a couple memories. Dexter was a “social butterfly” as his 1st mom put it this afternoon. We’d often find him sniffing around the neighbor’s yard. Luckily for us our neighbor absolutely loved Dexter and was also able to say good-bye today.

Dexter at one time was referred to as “Baxter” in a moment shortly after he came to our home. My husband had let him out and a neighbor walking by said, “What a beautiful dog, what’s his name?” My husband responded, “Baxter.” A second later he thought, wait, his name is not Baxter, it’s Dexter. But, he couldn’t bring himself to tell the woman so she would always refer to him as Baxter, and we would just smile and laugh to ourselves.

I loved to touch Dexter’s paws and he would always let me.

Dexter was very gentle with both cats and with Eva at all times. He never once acted aggressively towards them.

Dexter had a special charisma – even people that hated dogs loved Dexter.

Dexter was never a very good guard dog. Maybe it was his old age or maybe his gentle demeanor. We used to joke that we’d come home someday and our TV would be gone and Dexter would be upstairs snoring.

About a year ago we think Dexter had a stroke. I didn’t think I could handle the pain of losing him at 8 months pregnant, and God luckily gave us a little more time with him. Despite the hard year we had Dexter remained a loving and loyal friend. We went for countless walks over the summers.

Today when he could barely jump inside the car (my husband had to help him in) we knew we made the right decision. It was time to let go of our friend. I have faith that Dexter is in doggie Heaven finally catching the squirrels he was forever chasing. It is with extreme sadness that I say good-bye to my little Doofy. I love you, Dexter.

Me and Dexter on my 30th Birthday

Saying Good-bye

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Ignorance is Bliss.

6 Dec

Ignorance is Bliss.  To Some.  And to others you’re just a complete A-hole. 

Where do I begin?  At the beginning I suppose.  Back when I was pregs my morning coffee was like a million dollar bill shoved in my rear.  If I didn’t have it – look out man.  Look out.  So, as you know if you’ve been reading my blog, every morning I went to Dunkin Donuts and indulged in an iced coffee.  And my kid is fine, so please spare me the comments about drinking caffeine while being pregnant.  I did it.  So kill me.

I would walk in everyday with my Juicy Couture bag and a big smile.  I’d go up to the counter to place my order – usually with the cutest blonde chick ever that I see often and absolutely love.  And for the record she makes my iced coffee absolutely perfect.  “Good morning!” I’d exclaim.  “I’d like a medium iced coffee please!”

Within the snap of a finger she’d have my order, PERFECT! and I’d have the money sitting on the counter – down to the dime – and I’d be yelling “Thanks!” as I was off on my way.

I would then say good-bye to my stalker, hop in my Benz and drive to work.

Side note – I haven’t talked about my stalker in a while.  It’s because I hadn’t seen him.  I know.  This pained me as much as it pains you.  But, I did finally see him last week.  See I’ve been trying to be more fiscally responsible – LAME! I know – and make my coffee at home.  Dunkin Donuts could possibly go out of business because of this.  Luckily for them my laziness has come back, and I’ve been back to going to Dunkin’ to get my cup of morning java.  That said, I ran into my stalker in the parking lot two weeks ago and was actually excited to see him.  (I know, a strange concept really, but do you remember my blog post about my stalker becoming the stalkee????) 

Anyways, I said good morning to him and asked him if he got a new car (he did.)
He asked me if I dyed my hair (I did.)
I asked him if he liked my hair better blonde or black (OK, brown, it’s not black).  He said he liked it better blonde.
He asked if I had a boy or a girl (A girl.)

That was the jist of our convo and now I went off on a tangent. Back to getting my morning Dunkin’. 

So, one day, back when I was pregs, I went in to Dunkin Donuts to get my iced coffee.  The gal behind the counter was not my cute blonde friend.  She wasn’t really very nice to be honest.  I blew it off, was my uber-polite self, and asked for my iced coffee. 

Then, I got in my car (coffee in hand) and pulled away.  As I’m driving to work I opened my straw and excitedly shoved the straw in the cup, like a junkie needing his fix.  I take a big loving sip of my coffee.

What. The. Fuck. Is. This?????????????????????????
THIS IS NOT AN ICED COFFEE.
WHAT THE FUCK????????????????????

I’m already half way to the office.  This is fucked up, man, I think.  I’m pregnant, and I want my iced coffee NOW.  I pull a U-y while phoning my office.  It’s 7:59, and I’m gonna be late now, but there is no way in hell I’m sitting through a day at work without my iced coffee.  No way.

My boss is like please, for the love of God, get your coffee!
He knows not to mess with a pregnant chick!

I go back to Dunkin Donuts and walk in.  OK, I don’t have a shit-eating grin on my face, no, but I’m not rude.  I walk in and go up to the counter.

“Hi, I was just here.”

Dunkin Bitch stares at me like I just threw up in her face.  She’s just staring at me like I’m speaking another language.

“Hi, I was just here.” I hold up my iced coffee (or not iced coffee).  I say, “Yeah, I asked for an iced coffee and this is an iced latte.”

Dunkin Bitch looks at me and says, “No it’s not.  I gave you an iced coffee.”

WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What happened to the customer is always right?  And further, as if to insult my intelligence, are you really telling me that I don’t know the difference between an iced coffee and an iced latte? Listen, lady, I know coffee like Donald Trump knows hair. Uhh…wait, that didn’t work.

I look at her and smile.  I very politely say: “No, it isn’t.  It’s an iced latte.”
Dunkin Bitch: “No, I gave you iced coffee.”
OK – now I’m getting pissed off.  I look at her – stare at her – and very politely – but very firmly – say, “Listen.  Take a sip if you want.  I’m not trying to be a bitch.  I come in here all the time.  All I want is an iced coffee and this isn’t an iced coffee.”

A guy who knows me walks over and says, “What’s wrong?”

I said, “I ordered an iced coffee and this is an iced latte.  All I want is an iced coffee please.”

The guy looks at Dunkin Bitch like WTF, just get her an iced coffee and Dunkin Bitch says, “It’s an iced coffee.  I made it myself.”

This bitch wanted to get pummeled!

I looked at the man and said (a little more angrily now, cuz I’m getting sick of this shit!) “Take a sip if you want.  It’s not iced coffee!”

The man says, “OK! Just get her an iced coffee would ya,” while Dunkin Bitch just stares at me.

I mean, seriously, what the heck.  I’m being polite.  Even if you are 1,000% positive that you gave me an iced coffee are you really going to sit and argue with a pregnant female at 8 o’clock in the morning who hasn’t had her coffee yet?  Why couldn’t she just give me another coffee and be done with me?  It’s not like I drank the whole thing and then came back and asked for another coffee. I took one sip!  Plus I’m in there all the time!

Dunkin Bitch FINALLY gives me my iced coffee.  I look at her.  I smile.  I say, “Thank you, and have a nice day.  I’m sorry for the inconvenience, I just wanted my coffee.”

No smile.  No thank you.  No apology.  Zip.

I leave and think, Well, fuck her.  At least I have my iced coffee.

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As God is my witness, I’m driving back to work – again – (and it’s now 8:15 a.m. after all this fighting with Dunkin Bitch) and I take a sip of my iced coffee.  For the love of God, it’s an iced latte.  Again.  Is this some kind of a sick joke that I’m the butt of?

At this point I’m like I need to just go to work and drink an iced latte today.  But, I’m pissed.  Inside I’m like boiling.  I wanted an iced coffee, damn it!  Here comes “King Baby” – I want iced coffee and I want it NOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!

I get to work and walk in huffing and puffing about the iced latte.  My boss stares at me.  I can tell he’s scared.  He wonders if I’m going to kill him over an iced latte.  It was possible at that moment.  Seriously.

I sit at my desk.  I look up the phone number to Dunkin Donuts.  I’ll be damned if these people are going to get the best of me.  I call and ask to speak to the manager.  Irvin gets on the phone.  He’s the manager and he remembers me because he sees me everyday.  He knows that I’m polite and nice.  He also donated $25 to my fund for the 2009 Alzheimer’s Memory Walk.  He is very apologetic.  He said that yes, after I left they tasted the “iced coffee” and someone put in the mix for iced lattes.  How did this happen, I don’t know the logistics, all I know is that Irvin was so apologetic he offered me a coffee on him tomorrow.  Smiling I thanked him, but felt compelled to tell him that his employee Dunkin Bitch was rather argumentative to me.  I said I wasn’t trying to cause problems, but simply wanted my iced coffee.  He apologized again and told me to come see him in the morning.

The next day I went to Dunkin Donuts.  I walked in and my cute blonde friend was at the counter.  She said, “Good morning!  Iced coffee?”

I said, “Hello.  Irvin told me to ask for him this morning.”

She said, “Oh, I know.  He told me what happened.  Would you like a muffin today, too?”

Fuck yeah I want a muffin! “Yes please!”

I could see Dunkin Bitch staring at me with a scowl on her face.  Seriously, get over it.  It’s not my fault you guys put latte mix in the iced coffee machine.  Jesus!  Why are you mad at me about it?  I was perfectly polite when I asked you for another iced coffee.  Why was she so pissed at me?

Fast forward to the last couple of weeks.  Now that I’m back to my daily coffee stops, Dunkin Bitch has moved up on the food chain and has been meaner to me than ever.  This chick hates me.  She hates me “Sharon the commenter” style who just thinks I’m the biggest asshole on the face of the Earth.  I wish there was a stronger word than “hates” because that’s how she feels about me.

I’ve tried to kill her with kindness.
I’ve tried to act nonchalant about the whole thing.

Then today I thought – You know what?  It’s time for me to be a bitch to Dunkin Bitch.  I’m sick of her attitude!

I actually thought I want it to be my goal in life to get her fired.  She has a serious attitude problem.  The cute blonde chick is doing other things now, so I’m stuck with Dunkin Bitch almost every day.  I’ve seen her several times and had to deal with her pouty face despite my polite “please” and “thank yous” in addition to my “have a good day.”  I mean, come on, what does this bitch want from me?

About a week ago when she was rude to me in the drive thru I was pissed.  She gave me my receipt which clearly states, “How was your visit today?”  I decided when I got to the office that I needed to shove it in her ass.  I went on and said that my visit was bad because the female in the drive thru had an attitude problem.

Then this morning, same drill.  As I’m handing her my $2.60 I don’t smile.  I don’t say good morning.  I don’t say please or thank you.  I simply hand her my money.

Dunkin Bitch stares at me with her scowled face and goes to grab the bills out of my hand.  As she grabs the $2.00 bills she is able to grab the .50 cents, but she drops the dime.  I just looked at her.  I’m not offering you another dime because you were grabbing the money out of my fingers and dropped the dime.  Sorry.  I guess your ass is putting in a dime for my coffee today.  Thank you, Dunkin Bitch.

Dunkin Bitch looked at me and snapped, “Don’t worry about it!”
Damn straight, I thought.
I grabbed my coffee. Then I sat there and waited for my receipt.  She handed me the receipt that said, “How was your visit today?” I snatched it from her hands and pulled away.  I decided at that moment that that it WILL be my goal in life to get Dunkin Bitch fired.  Is that too harsh?  It is the holiday season after all….

Either way I got my receipt so I can tell them all about my visit today….and I decided to with this blog.  Thank you Dunkin Bitch for giving me something to bitch about today!

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Keep It Simple Stupid; 6 Simple Rules for Going Through the Drive-Thru

4 Mar

Image courtesy of Yahoo images

From McDonald’s to Starbuck’s everyone seems to have a drive-thru nowadays.  Many drive-thrus are even open 24/7.  We have become a fast paced and spoiled society.  We want things to come to us quickly, easily and cheap!

The bottom line being that drive-thrus are convenient for customers on-the-go.   The convenience factor is important in today’s high-speed world.  You go through the drive-thru:  When you are running late (because it’s quick), for ease (if you have a baby/little one in the car, it’s much easier to go through the drive-thru for your vanilla latte then to park, unbuckle, rebuckle, etc. (any mom will get this), and in bad weather conditions, no one wants to jump in and out of the car to run into Dunkin Donuts for a hot coffee when Chicago winters hit twenty below zero.  You also might choose to go through the drive-thru out of sheer laziness on any given day.

I, like everyone else, go to the drive-thru for all of the above reasons.  I go at least once/day generally in the morning for my caffeine fix.  I go to a number of different establishments (I like to mix it up), and I find myself getting aggravated on an almost daily basis due to some moron in front of me who does not know drive-thru etiquette. 

After several venting posts on Facebook, in which I detail the one offense the jackass in front of me has committed, I decided it’s about time I sit down and put it all out there, you know, lay down some ground rules, so I can get a coffee in the morning without experiencing daily anger and/or anxiety due to the following:

#1 – Be Polite
How hard is it to greet the person who greets you?  When the speakers says ‘Good morning, can I take your order?’ 3 out of 4 people respond with ‘I want a large coffee.’  Where are your manners people?  Greet the speaker back!  ‘Good morning!  I would like a large coffee please.’  They give you the total and ask you to pull around.  Why not say ‘thank you?’  Our society has become so rush-rush that we are not even courteous to each other anymore.  We’re so used to computers that we’ve lost any personal interaction.  We don’t even realize that there is a person standing behind that speaker.  So remember to mind your manners – a simple please, thank you and have a nice day will do.

#2 – Limit Your Order to 2-3 Items
Drive-thrus are meant to be for quick and easy service.  If you have five people in your car who are ordering five different meals – and for the love of God may be paying five different ways – have some common courtesy.  Think about the person/people in line behind you – probably me – who wants to order one item.  Ordering too much in the drive-thru always leads to confusion between the “orderer” and the “orderee” which then holds up the people behind you.  When you are ordering that many items do us all a favor and get your fat ass out of the car and go inside to place your order.

This brings me to #3 – No Special Orders
It always amazes me that there are people out there who go thru the drive-thru and try to order their McDonald’s cheeseburger exactly to their liking. ‘Yes, I would like a cheeseburger, but nothing on that except ketchup and pickles.’  This inevitably always confuses the speaker who will respond with ‘What?’  Then you will repeat your order and this fiasco will go back and forth until you finally resign to just pull around to the window.  Again, remember the drive-thru is a place of speed and convenience – for ALL – not just you, Princess.  So if you want your tall non-fat, no-whip, extra foam, extra hot, double shot mocha than as I said above do us all a favor and get your lazy ass out of the car and go inside to place your order.

Which brings me to #4 – No Coupons
Do not, I repeat, do NOT try to use coupons when going through the drive-thru.  This is not Jewel.  These people do not see coupons on a regular basis.  So when you order an entrée from Panera Bread and you tell the speaker you have a coupon for a free drink this will cause the speaker confusion.  The speaker cannot simply hit a blanket ‘coupon’ button on their system that will magically know which coupon you have and for which dollar amount.  Generally the speaker will need to see the coupon in order to enter the correct coupon code into their system.  It’s common sense, but in case you didn’t know, all coupons have a bar code or a numerical code printed on it.  So let’s repeat, if you are choosing to use a coupon with your purchase, please do us all favor and get your cheap ass out of the car and go inside to place your order.

#5 – Have Your Money Ready
Apparently this was such a big problem at McDonald’s that they have actually posted signs throughout the drive-thru reading “Please have your money ready.”  This is another thing that strikes me as common sense.  You probably order the same thing everyday – especially us early morning stoppers – so more than likely you already know the order total, or you’ve sat in line behind two or three people, so can’t you at least open your wallet and pull out a $20 if you don’t know the total?  And for the love of God, do not dig for change in your wallet, ladies!  You can only give change if you have it in your hand prior to pulling up to the pay window.  Or – and this is a gray area – or if the change is relatively easy to pull out.  Do I need to spell this out?  $2.26, OK.  $3.01, OK.  $4.96, NOT OK.  Give a $5 and get four cents back, and further, give your four cents to the McDonald’s charity, cheap ass!

And last, #6 – Speak Clearly
This goes for both sides.  Often during the busiest times companies will put a heavily accented employee on the drive-thru.  This makes no sense to those of us placing our orders.  This gets us all off to a bad start.  And the same applies to those of us placing our orders:  Turn your car radio down, tell your kids to shut up and please get off your cell phone!  The drive-thru attendant does not care if this is a phone call with President Obama.  Not only is it annoying, but it is also extremely rude to be on your cell phone while in the drive-thru.  If you must be on your phone – tell your caller when it is your turn to order so when you say “Hi, an iced mocha please,” the caller doesn’t say “What?” and then you say “I’m at the drive-thru,” and then the speakers says, “What?”  And it is a vicious cycle of chaos!  Tell your caller to hold on.  And set your phone down and review #1 when you get to the pay window.  You do not need to be on your cell phone discussing last night’s Grey’s Anatomy episode while throwing a $20 bill at the employee.  Have some class!  Just because they work a drive-thru does not mean they are beneath you.

So what prompted this rant besides saving my own self the frustrations I endure on a daily basis?  Well, on Sunday morning I was behind someone in a McDonald’s drive-thru who actually committed each of these “sins.”  No joke.  It’s one thing to commit one or maybe two at a time, but to commit all six?  As I sat behind him in the drive-thru for 10 – yes 10 – minutes, when I simply wanted to order an iced coffee, I nearly popped a blood vessel in my neck.  I was like raging pissed over this.  I sat in my car talking to myself, saying things like “Are you kidding me?”  “Move your @ss!”  and then finally “A f*cking coupon?  Are you serious right now, a f*cking coupon!”

I almost lost it over the coupon.  I’m not kidding you.  I almost got out of my car and walked to his window to let him know the absolute disgust I had for him at that moment.  And then it occurred to me, maybe other people don’t know?  Maybe other people are as clueless as this dope in front of me?  At that moment I decided it was time to turn my anger into a positive thing.  Or somewhat positive.  And hence the beginning of JLEE’s blog.

Enjoy my rants, or don’t.  I really don’t care.

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