Tag Archives: Post Partum Depression

Inspiration and Sunshine

28 Feb

Inspiring isn’t a word that comes to my mind when I think of myself. This isn’t a slam at me; it’s really due to the fact that I see myself as more crazy than inspiring, i.e., more what not to do then what to do.

inspiring blog award

I’m accepting the Inspiring Blogger Award – presented to me by the lovely and ever sweet Menopausal Mother – with some deep thoughts here instead of following the usual guidelines. I’d like to give a quick shout out to Meno Mama who is a very sweet and encouraging blogger friend of mine. She also always gives me a good laugh when I read her blog – and omg, get this, she tried our buddy Alex’s sangria, too, and got seriously hammered. She wasn’t naked, but she’s still awesome, right? Check her out!

But back to the rules. The rules for accepting the Inspiring Blogger Award are as follows:

1. Display award image on your blog page
2. Link back to the person who nominated you
3. State 7 facts about yourself State what inspires you
4. Nominate 15 5 others for this award
5. Notify said bloggers

I’m changing it up because you don’t need to read seven facts about me. You know pieces of me from reading my words so I don’t need to list it out for you. You want some facts…here we go; I have brown eyes, I’m left handed, one of my favorite TV shows is Three’s Company…

What I’d really like is for you to share with me what inspires YOU. Yes, you.

You reading this post. What inspires you each day?

What inspires me????  Bravery.

I remember reading The Hunger Games and thinking Katniss is soo brave.

I remember reading The Hunger Games and thinking Katniss is soo brave.

I don’t think of myself as a very brave person. I know some people think I’m brave because I put myself out there…I talk about my anxiety and the Postpartum I suffered from. I talk about not only the good things about life and motherhood but I also share with you the bad…things that hurt me and things I fear.

To me being brave is reaching for the stars without being afraid of failure. I am terrified of so many things. Remember New York? Luckily I’m working to improve. I want to get to a place where I can be fearless about my writing.

I got this post on my Facebook page recently: I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.

It was followed up with a chapter from a book. These words are still dancing around in my head. It’s like I get it, but I don’t get it.

The note on the front is my favorite (even better written on an infamous post-it): You ARE a great writer. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. Take Chances! Love you-Aunt.

So let’s inspire each other. Here’s some of my inspiration: :)

red

~Chantell at Miss Understood has inspired me to not let anxiety bring me down.

~Morgan at The Inklings of Life has inspired me to be the kind of mom I feel I need to be and not let others determine how I raise my daughter.

~Katie at The Intrinsic Writer has inspired me to step away from only reading chick-lit. Not that there is anything wrong with chick-lit, but I recently picked up Animal Farm and had a great read. If only in high school you knew how great the classics are!

~Jen at Rumpy Dog has inspired me to not give up on those who need a voice.

Thank you to these lovely bloggers and thank you Menopausal Mother for this wonderful award. You, too, inspire me!

I’m also proud to accept another award I’ve received. A big thank you to Chantell at Miss Understood for presenting me with The Sunshine Award. Chantell has had a hard couple of months, and I am so proud of her for standing up, dusting herself off and jumping back in the saddle! Wait, is that a cow girl reference? Because that’s just weird.

image76

Now onto the rules.

1. Post this award on your blog site.
2. Nominate 10 5 fellow bloggers.
3. Answer 10 5 questions.

For the sake of not losing you all I decided to cut the questions from ten to five…so here we go.

1. Do you watch TV and if so, what are your favorite shows?
First of all, who in the hell isn’t watching TV?? Uh yes, I watch TV. A lot of reality TV. I’m getting stupider…or is that more stupid…by the second. Here’s what I watch: Kardashians, Teen Mom, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, The Rancic’s, Bethenny (my new love). Oh yeah, and Pretty Little Liars.

These bitches would have me in the corner wrapped in a ball crying! But sure is good TV.

These bitches would have me in the corner wrapped in a ball crying! But sure is good TV.

2. How much time do you spend blogging?
Way too much time until Concrete Boots is published.

3. What food can you absolutely not eat?
If I was stuck on a deserted island and I had to choose between eating you and eating salmon I’m sorry to say but I would eat you. (Remember I have a fish phobia).

4. If you could go anywhere for a week’s vacation, where would you go?
ITALY!! I gotta go meet my brethren.

Italy_color

5. What is your dream job?
My dream job would be to sell my book, be on the New York Times Best Seller List and then from that get a speaking gig where I can travel the world and speak to people on all my knowledge. (Hilarious, right? They said dream so there you have it.)

And now for my fellow nominees: :)

~Josie at Go Momma!
~Simona at Fiammisday
~Gloria at Granny’s Colorful
~Jules at McCrabass
~Darryl at The Weddington Adventures

Each one of these bloggers puts a :D on my face for many different reasons! Check them out. :)

~Thank you to Marcia and Chantell for my awards!
~Thank you nominees for passing on the awards should you choose to.
~Thank you readers for your support. Please always remind me to be brave.

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What Are You Putting in Your Mouth?

18 Feb

I am a firm believer in vitamins. I feel like prescription medications are often over prescribed and over taken. I don’t claim to be an expert; however, I thought I would share my daily vitamin intake with you for a couple of reasons.

1. My friends always ask me for vitamin recommendations because they know I strongly believe in taking vitamins on a daily basis.

2. I recently began reading a blog a gal writes on her struggles with giving up alcohol and the death of her father. She shares her struggles with depression/anxiety and staying sober. She doesn’t want to be on any kind of anxiety medication but is suffering from disruptive panic attacks. I’ve never suffered from panic attacks, but I do suffer from social anxiety. In a recent post she asked readers for suggestions on different supplements to take to ease her symptoms. When responding to her I got to thinking – maybe others wonder this too?

I was on Prozac after the birth of the Chiquita when I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression. I give my doctors a big F as in fail when it came to my treatment because they left me out in the middle of the ocean lying on a piece of wood like Rose in Titanic. I knew something was wrong. I knew I wasn’t improving, and I continued to reach out for help. My doctor’s answer (yes, THIS doctor) was to continue to increase my Prozac.

Increase, increase, increase…more of anything is the recipe for success. Right? WRONG! Each time my meds were increased the more depressed and anxious I became. I was getting worse – going from not just wishing for God to take me in my sleep but actually driving on I355 and imagining my Mercedes-Benz smashed into the concrete barrier. Bam. It’s over. Relief….

This went on for months. When I hit rock bottom I fired all my doctors. I went off all prescription medication*. Cold turkey. That’s it. No more meds. *This is not recommended. It’s what I had to do for myself at the time to try to regain some control, but this approach can backfire.

My mom is a big believer in vitamins and supplements and urged me to at least – if nothing else – begin a vitamin regimen. This is not expert opinion or advice. I’m simply sharing with you what is now working for me to keep my depression/anxiety under control. I am now taking a small dose of Prozac which has helped to take the ‘edge’ off a bit. In addition to Prozac I also take these vitamins on a daily basis:

1. Carlson – The Very Finest Fish Oil

fish oilVitamins can really add up! If you have to pick only one vitamin to take I highly recommend fish oil.

Fish oil is a good source of Omega-3 fatty acids and a lot of research shows that fish oil supplements may help ease symptoms of depression. See Mayoclinic.com.

This fish oil is to be taken twice a day – preferably one in the AM and one in the PM. I’m not sure why, but I was told it works better in your body when taken at different times as opposed to taking two in the AM.

One thing many people complain about when taking fish oil is that you can burp up a nasty fish taste. This brand I am sharing with you has a yummy orange taste – you can even chew them – but I do not.

2. Co-Enzyme B-Complex By Now Foods

BAfter I quit all my medication I went to The Fruitful Yield for advice on vitamins/supplements to take to help ease my depression/anxiety symptoms.

On the weekends The Fruitful Yield has a licensed nutritionist on staff to answer any questions you have. I went on a Saturday, found the nutritionist and said, “I have Post Partum Depression. I’ve gone off all my medication. Tell me what to buy.”

This product was one that she recommended. Co-Enzyme Vitamin B supports a positive mood and improves energy. See Wellness Resources.com.

There are different forms of B-Vitamins and Co-Enzyme includes all of the Bs, which are B1, B2, B3, B5, B6 and B12.

I have actually recommended this product to a few people who now take this vitamin on a daily basis. I find that if I skip a day of Co-Enzyme B I am lethargic the next day. I definitely notice an increase in energy while on this supplement.

3. Vitamin D3 – 2000 IUs

DVitamin D deficiency, the result of low vitamin D intake and poor sun exposure, has been linked to depression and Type 2 diabetes. See article here.

Here is some research on the daily recommended doses of vitamin D from The Mayo Clinic.

Because I’m vitamin D deficient and I do suffer from depression/anxiety I take at least one vitamin (2,000 IUs) each day to be sure I’m getting an adequate dose.

From Mayo Clinic: For mood disorders, 400-800 IU daily or 100,000 IU weekly has been taken by mouth for up to one month to improve symptoms of depression associated with seasonal affective disorder.

4. L-Theanine By Now for Stress Management

L-theanineWhen I went off all my medication I was struggling with feelings of being overwhelmed at all times. One task in front of me left me feeling as if I was drowning in ‘things to do’. I found during this time that my anxiety was more prevalent than I had known.

I often had a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach and dreaded to leave the house unless I was going to familiar places…work, my grocery store, my mall, my Dunkin Donuts, etc. Going anywhere out of the ordinary made me extremely anxious and sick to my stomach.

The nutritionist at The Fruitful Yield explained that I absolutely had to get this supplement. She compared it to anti-anxiety meds and said that she often used this to control her own anxiety symptoms.

You can take one Vcap 1 to 2 times daily as needed. I like the ‘as needed’ because you don’t have to take it every day. You can simply take it when you’re feeling stressed or anxious.

Maybe it’s nothing honestly? Who knows. When I opted to go back on Prozac – a much smaller dose this time – I’ve not felt the need to take this as often anymore. I showed it to my new shrink who gave me the OK to take it with the Prozac.

I sort of had the feeling she was laughing inside since I know most doctors strongly believe in pharmaceuticals and don’t like their patients opting for “natural” methods. But, maybe she wasn’t. Maybe it was my anxiety. Either way, even if it’s all in my head, when I have that feeling like I want to crack skulls (thank you for that aphorism, Bethenny Frankel) I take one tablet and I feel better! :)

Bethenny is my new obsession....I still love my future BFF Giuliana, but I have a crush on Bethenny!

Bethenny is my new obsession….I still love my future BFF Giuliana, but I have a crush on Bethenny!

Please use the comments section to let me know of any vitamins/supplements that have helped you with depression/anxiety. There are other things I can recommend, like this Goji which I used to drink to help balance my hormones….

Goji

But, the above four vitamins/supplements I gave you are what I do take and recommend. Feel free to ask me any questions – I can give you responses on how these products affect me, however, PLEASE be sure to seek medical consulting before taking any and all vitamins/supplements with your physician.

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No Soup For You

11 Feb

My husband is not the soup Nazi but rather has become the baby Nazi. It began with me getting pregnant with the Chiquita. Even back then he questioned my ability to parent.

The Post Partum Depression only confirmed his fears that I ‘couldn’t handle it’. I think when PPD is talked about (which is too little in my opinion except when they throw a bunch of paperwork at you after your delivery…too bad when I actually said ‘Yes, I have PPD, now please help me’ they put their arms up in question like …now what do we do?) the focus remains – rightfully so – on the mother.

But, in my experience, the fathers are completely forgotten about. My poor husband not only had to deal with taking care of the Chiquita on the days I simply couldn’t do it but also had to wonder every day if I would actually come home from work. Many-a-days I told him I was going to drive into a concrete barrier.

I don’t even think some of my friends know the depths of the depression I was drowning from. I sheltered everyone. Yes, I said I had Post Partum Depression.  Yes, people knew that I had suffered from depression/anxiety since my teen years thanks to PMDD. But, the fact that I hated being a mother as much as I did had to be a secret. The fact that I prayed every night for God to take me in my sleep I couldn’t tell people. No one would understand.

I remember after I had the Chiquita I was like why do people have kids? Seriously. I couldn’t believe that anyone in their right mind would have more than one child. I felt like all the friends and celebrities who said how great being a mother was were lying. Like it was some big scam.

My husband tried to be supportive but my erratic behavior frightened him. I honestly don’t know if he questioned whether I would hurt our baby. I wouldn’t have and I never did.

I remember one time he was sitting in the dentist’s chair yanking the bib off during a cleaning saying he had to get out of there…trying to explain that his wife had Post Partum Depression and was home with the Chiquita…and that he didn’t know what I was going to do.

I had called him sobbing. He had been at work all day and then went to the dentist immediately after. I was on maternity leave and was still recovering from my near-death experience and was dealing with a sick infant (the Chiquita had gotten very sick on bad formula, but we didn’t know so had continued to feed it to her. Eventually we had to get X-rays done…this was all more than I could bear) who had spent the last six hours screaming. I thought I was going to lose it.

I put her in her bedroom and shut the door. She screamed and screamed and screamed. I was losing my mind. I was sobbing. I wanted to die. I called him in a complete panic and he raced home ….

Fast Forward.

Those devastating times are behind us. If you’ve been reading you know that I hit rock-bottom in February 2011. Yes, I admitted to and reached out for help for PPD in as early as September 2010 (two months after the birth of the Chiquita). But, because I wasn’t getting proper treatment my downward spiral continued until February 2011.

At that point I knew it was do or die. I fired all my doctors. I quit writing my blog. I quit drinking alcohol. I started intense therapy. I turned it around because I knew I would lose it all if I kept it up. It was terrifying. It was six months of recovery. Well, that’s an understatement. I’m still recovering to this day, but it was six months of Britney Spears head shaving therapy.

And here I am. I tell you my story because it helps me to forgive. Forgive who? I’m not sure. All I know is for a long time I was really angry. Why? Why did this happen to me?

I don’t know why.

A couple of months ago I started to yearn for another baby. People have asked me time and time again about Baby #2, and my response was this, which is still one of my top-rated posts. I really like this post as well ~ and I still agree with it. Nothing has changed…my husband is still old, my family is still complete, I’m still blessed with an amazing kiddo.

But now I wonder about trying it again. I feel like it would be different. I have a great team of doctors and therapists behind me. I’ve done it before so the whole ‘unknown’ no longer applies. I’m mentally better than I’ve ever been.

I didn't know how lucky I was because I was sick

I didn’t know how lucky I was because I was sick

I was truly robbed of the first few months of my daughter’s life. I was there physically for it all, but mentally, I was not. My brain was in trauma so I’ve actually blocked a lot of things out. I can’t recall many things, and I ache for that time back. I look at pictures, and I cry. I see mothers with their infants, and I feel so deprived.

I approached my doctor about it, almost expecting her to say it was a bad idea. My old doctor had suggested that I not have another child due to all my complications, both physically and mentally. My new doctor – who I love – was excited, supportive and very encouraging. She said that in her experience PPD is not nearly as bad the second time around. She would help me every step of the way and we would be proactive in my treatment.

I went home and told my husband. He said, “If you want to have another baby we can have another baby!”

Many of my friends and cousins are on babies #2 and #3 and here’s me still with one. Not that I’m looking to compete or feel like something is wrong with me, but it’s more that I’ve just officially moved into this next chapter of my life whereas right after the Chiquita was born many of my friends were still without child…and going out and doing all the things I used to do and was longing to do in my depressive state.

Life is completely different now. Life is no longer manicures and bars. It is going to bed at ten o’clock and watching The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. And you know what? That’s fine!

But then a few weeks later on a hard parenting day (those do happen!) he said, “There’s no way we’re having another baby.”

I started fighting with him about it but then left it alone for a while.

I brought it back up this weekend. He looked nervous and uncomfortable. He said that he doesn’t want to have another baby.

I felt hurt and betrayed – he said he wanted another one. What happened?

Was it because I got angry with the Chiquita for hitting me with Mr. Bear and yelled, “If you hit me with him again I’ll cut off his arm!” to which Hubs said, “Hey now…geez…that’s a little Mommy Dearest…”

Mommie_Dearest

Oops, it is?

He must think I’m a bad mother. He’s told me before he sees me get flustered sometimes. I do yell a lot – Italians are yellers. We always agree that we like it two against one.

But why? Why was it yes and now no?

“I can’t go through it again,” he said, suddenly, with my persistence to answer me. He looked into my eyes and said, “The Post Partum. I just can’t do it again. I can’t risk it.”

I wanted to cry but said nothing. What’s there to say? That night I cried in bed after he fell asleep. What am I supposed to do? I’m supposed to support my husband. We are a team. We tell each other the good, the bad and the ugly.

Yes, this is ugly. Yes, this hurts. But I respect his opinion, and I’m going to choose to thank God every day for the Chiquita and will continue to enjoy all the beautiful bundles of joy around me. Not everyone is meant to be a mother. I’d hate to think that I’m not meant to be a mother, but in this case, I think one is truly a blessing.

My blessing

My blessing

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Top 25 Funny Moms…Maybe This Year

25 Jan

ImageProxyLast year I was a part of the Top 25 Funny Mom Blogs. Read the post here.

I honestly don’t remember how I fared but I know it wasn’t anything to write home about. I was still proud though.

After giving up writing during the Post Partum Depression I suffered from after the birth of the Chiquita I was excited to be featured on the Circle of Moms site and be a part of this fun competition.

The truth is, even though it is a competition the writing community is very supportive of each other. In fact, one of my blogging friends, who is also a mother, who I’ve written about before – Menopausal Mother – well, she actually has a shot at this. I probably don’t. Not at the Top 25. Just being realistic.

But, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to make a solid effort. I still want your votes. Please. I’m desperate and begging. If I could make it into the Top 50 – that’s my goal for this year – the Top 50! – I would be so darn excited. If I do this….I’ll share with you a picture of my boobs. Wordless Wednesday – Jlee’s Boobs!

Just kidding.

Unless it gets you to vote.

So here’s the deal. It’s so easy a Cave Man can do it. Just click this link: Vote Jlee’s Blog. And while you’re at it scroll up the list and vote for Menopausal Mother. We gotta keep her in the Top 25. Click on Menopausal Mother to vote for her. You can vote once/day every day until February 13th.

TO VOTE FOR JLEE'S BLOG!

TO VOTE FOR JLEE’S BLOG!

And if you’re not already – you can follow me on Twitter @jlee5879blogger or on Facebook!

Thank you so much to everyone who reads, votes, comments, shares and likes me. Remember, my self-esteem depends on YOU! ;)

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2012 in Review

8 Jan

Hello friends and welcome to 2013!

2012 was a pretty good year for me as I finally fully conquered the Post Partum Depression I suffered from after the birth of the Chiquita. I also revitalized Jlee’s Blog and started a fan page (do you ‘like’ me yet? If not, you can at http://www.facebook.com/jleesblog).

The end of 2012 proved slightly difficult as I suffered a bit from the blues in addition to some unfortunate family circumstances that arose before the holidays. Things aren’t 100% back in order, but I’m trying really hard to get myself back on track – complete with joining the YMCA in my area!

Our Y has a track and while I don’t love running, I do enjoy running on a track vs. a treadmill so it’s been sooo good for me to be back out there running again. And yesterday I even surprised myself by climbing the wall ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP! I have never done that before. Ever. In my entire life. What an accomplishment for me!

Photo courtesy of Chicago YMCA

Photo courtesy of Chicago YMCA

I have two goals for 2013.

One is to finally publish Concrete Boots. I know, I know, I keep saying this is the year, but I truly believe 2013 IS the year. Something about the 3 in it…like the 3rd time’s the charm since I did complete this manuscript in 2010.

Two is to run a 1/2 marathon. Yes, yes me. I am not a sporty girl, but I do like to stay fit and workout as I said above, and while I have no aspirations of running a marathon I do feel a 1/2 marathon is doable. It’s going to take a lot of work on my end – both physical and mental – because honestly if I complete this I will be so stoked. I bet birthing the Chiquita was easier for me than running this 1/2 marathon will be!

So, here’s to it in 2013 for all of us! What are your goals for 2013?

Also, in getting back on track…unfortunately Jlee’s Blog suffered a bit at the end of 2012 while I was just trying to make it through so I’m hoping to get my writing spirit back because I miss sharing my thoughts and I miss you all.

WordPress.com put together this funky little report for Jlee’s Blog that I’d like to share with you.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 44,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 10 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

Click to see the complete report featuring my top posts of 2012, what countries are viewing Jlee’s Blog, the most searched terms on Google and many more neat stats! Thanks as always for reading me!

Cheers to a wonderful year!

Cheers-to-a-New-Year

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A Letter to My Readers

11 Nov

Confusion settles in

It’s been a while since I’ve written something real, something raw. Since the Post Partum Depression I’ve been trying to be upbeat. I kind of went with the mentality ‘fake it till you make it’. It’s not like everything has been a lie. I am happy and I am doing well, but lately…

Honestly lately has been a struggle. A real struggle. I sat to write this after a morning of hearing “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy…” incessantly (think Stewie in Family Guy even down to me saying ‘What’ and the Chiquita saying ‘Hi’) followed by tantrums galore.

I know this is part of parenthood but I found myself in the shower thinking I just want 5 minutes of silence followed by anger that my husband is at work every God forsaken Saturday leaving me to care for our spirited toddler alone to a depression that I haven’t felt for a long time with these overwhelming feelings sadness and pure defeat. “I can’t do it today.”

When this first came on I adopted the ‘fake it till you make it’ mentality – I can do this; I’m a good mom! Yet the feelings weren’t subsiding. I wasn’t alarmed though because due to my PMDD (see Reason #26 Why I’m Crazy) I usually feel a little down for about one week out of the month. During those hard weeks I see my counselor, I journal (journaling is a great outlet and I recommend it to anyone who struggles with a lot of “feelings”), I run, and I give myself a break. I love myself just a little more; I treat myself to a latte. I also don’t drink during this time while my hormones go crazy because let’s be honest, alcohol would just make me act more like a lunatic (see Just Stop Talking).

With my lovely gift of PMDD I’m used to heightened anxiety and feelings of self-loathing once a month, but when it stretched on for weeks I knew something was wrong. My demons had been stirring – trying to get out and break my spirit and I would say that they succeeded because I’m broken today. I’m not in need of an oil change, but like a whole new engine at this point. I noticed it last night when I was out with some friends. I sat there not feeling like myself. Even staring off a bit. ‘Fake it till you make it’.

Where did this come from?

There has been a bit of stress I can attribute this to. As I always say big Italian families are great and blended families are a true testament of patience and love, but that doesn’t mean it all runs smoothly like a well-oiled machine. There have been a number of instances in the last month which have had me questioning my entire being; which have brought on those old feelings of me wanting to flee. Only this time I wanted to take the Chiquita and just run.

Out of respect for my loved ones I can’t share the details but being the sensitive soul that I am I’ve been crushed, and I’m struggling to overcome the fear, hurt and anger. Never being one who is good at letting things go here it has festered inside me until I finally cracked this morning.

Looking at my innocent and happy daughter I thought she doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve me. I made that horrible call to my doctor to say that something is wrong and that I’m not getting better. I feel like a failure, but this doesn’t just hurt me now. I have an innocent child to protect and love. We raised my medication slightly. I guess just so I can get myself back on track, which I will. I’ve had a lot of hurt in my life but I’m not going to let it bring me down. We all have something and this is the battle God gave me to fight.

Why am I sharing this today?

After the Post Partum Depression I was honestly sick of myself so I can only imagine how my loved ones felt. Scared, frustrated, annoyed, worried? The old-age “Why can’t she just be happy?” After a bit of that judgment I decided to suffer in silence. I knew what I needed to do, and I would do it. Without everyone’s opinions.

Today I realized why I haven’t been writing.

I haven’t been writing because I didn’t want to lie to my readers. I wanted to share this with you in case another mom is out there struggling. Or not even a mom – just anyone who may be out there struggling. Please stay strong as I am and know that this too shall pass.

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The 12 Most Important Books to Read Postpartum

13 Sep

I received an email a couple weeks ago from a gal named Christine who works with Medicalbillingandcoding.org. She told me they recently published the article “The 12 Most Important Books to Read Postpartum.”

She asked me to share the post with my readers and as someone who suffered from Post Partum Depression I, of course, have to share this with you.

I would never claim to be the voice of PPD, however, I will always share my experiences – my triumphs and my failures – of my PPD journey and of being a new(er) mom. I am sooo honored that Christine found my blog and asked me to share this with all of you.

Continue to read ~ note this is the exact article which I have posted here for your convenience. In full disclosure this was not written by me. You can find this article at this link: http://www.medicalbillingandcoding.org/blog/the-12-most-important-books-to-read-postpartum/ or by going to Medicalbillingandcoding.org.

And please please! share this…we moms need to remember to hug each other sometimes. We should not be competing against each other but rather should be embracing each other. :)

—

The 12 Most Important Books to Read Postpartum

Your baby’s here. Now what?

Chances are good that you read plenty of books on pregnancy, but did you remember to pick up a few about what happens after you deliver your bundle of joy? Breastfeeding, sleeping, postpartum health, and a brand new view on life are just some of the issues that new moms can really use help with in the early months of parenthood. Check out our list, and you’ll find 12 essential books for supporting brand new moms.

1. Confessions of a Scary Mommy:

As a new mom, you’ve just strapped yourself into an 18+ year ride of hilarious and sometimes embarrassing moments. Confessions of a Scary Mommy hits on so many of these moments, featuring original essays that share the truth about parenting. From doling out M&Ms at the grocery store just for survival to looking pregnant several months postpartum, this book is both relatable and hilarious. Read it now as a new mom to find out what’s coming, then pick it up again in a couple years so that you can smile and nod in agreement.

2.  Natural Health after Birth:

This highly regarded book is an essential guide to taking care of yourself as you learn how to take care of your new baby. It covers everything from breastfeeding to eating and sleeping well, plus tips for finding balance as a mom. Be sure to check it out and find practically everything you’ll need to find support in your first year of motherhood.

3.   The Happiest Baby on the Block:

News flash: sometimes babies can be a bit grouchy. And whiny. And refuse to sleep. It might even make you a little grouchy and whiny yourself. But there is hope, and it’s in this often-recommended bestselling book from Dr. Harvey Karp. In it, Karp explains how to hit the “reset” button on your baby and trigger a calming reflex through the five “S’s”: swaddling, side lying, shushing, swinging, and sucking. This book is a can’t-miss read for any parent struggling with a crying baby.

4.   The Baby Book:

For attachment parenting families, this book from Dr. Sears is practically a bible. Featuring an attachment-style approach to every aspect of baby care, The Baby Book is an essential read for moms who want to explore this type of parenting. Specifically, it includes tips for bonding, breastfeeding, babywearing, and the development of strong family relationships.

5.   This Isn’t What I Expected:

For some new mothers, postpartum depression is a terrible reality that they have to deal with. Although there’s no replacement for professional treatment, this book offers a great guide to overcoming postpartum depression. Check out This Isn’t What I Expected to learn about the myths surrounding PPD, and find advice and support for working through this difficult stage.

6.   What to Expect the First Year:

There’s a good chance you read What to Expect When You’re Expecting (and maybe you even saw the movie); here’s the postpartum companion. What to Expect the First Year follows the same format as the pregnancy edition, walking you through the development stages of your baby’s first year. Follow along to find tips and reassurance for everything from newborn car seats to dealing with a colicky baby.

7.   Breastfeeding Made Simple:

Breastfeeding moms may laugh at the idea of breastfeeding being “simple,” but that doesn’t make this book any less helpful for those who are still struggling to get it right. Breastfeeding Made Simple is an excellent companion for moms who are just starting out, explaining milk production, pumping, breast refusal, and other issues that may pop up. This book is even a great resource for established breastfeeders, offering advice for gently weaning your baby on to solid foods.

8.  The Nursing Mother’s Companion:

Another great guide for breastfeeding, The Nursing Mother’s Companion has been trusted by families for more than 25 years. This book is all about overcoming difficulties in breastfeeding, from the first week all the way to the toddler years. You’ll learn about what’s normal and what’s not, with clear, concise resources for making things work. In addition to tips and guidance, you’ll also find helpful resources like a drug interactions section that will help you quickly find out what effects your over-the-counter and prescription drugs may have on a breastfeeding baby.

9.   The No-Cry Sleep Solution:

This book from Elizabeth Pantley offers an alternative to the Ferber technique, sharing a sleep solution that doesn’t involve “crying it out.” In The No-Cry Sleep Solution, you’ll learn about the stumbling blocks to sleeping, find out how to work with your baby’s biological sleep rhythms, and create a plan to get your baby sleeping through the night. The highlight of this book is the Persistent Gentle Removal System, which is designed to teach your baby to sleep without breastfeeding, bottle-feeding, or pacifier use.

10.   Caring for Your Baby and Young Child:

Much like the What to Expect books, this guide from the American Academy of Pediatrics offers an authoritative voice on early child care. You’ll find guidelines and milestones, resources for basic care, and an entire health encyclopedia for under-5s, covering everything from illnesses to congenital diseases. Plus, there are special guides for breastfeeding, immunizations, child care programs, and car safety seats. This book truly covers everything new moms might need to know about.

11.  The Baby Owner’s Manual:

Simultaneously hilarious and helpful, this book solves the problem that so many parents have lamented: babies don’t come with an owner’s manual. You’ll have to purchase this one separately from your bundle of joy, but The Baby Owner’s Manual is an invaluable resource for learning exactly how your baby works. You’ll find instructions and even schematic diagrams that cover just about every question you may have as a new mom, from learning how to swaddle a baby to knowing when to bring your baby to the doctor.

12.   Baby Laughs:

Jenny McCarthy has been a divisive figure in the parenting world, but her views on vaccines make no difference in this wildly entertaining memoir about her first year of motherhood. Nothing is too brash for McCarthy in Baby Laughs, as she covers postnatal embarrassments including adult diapers, numbing spray, and medicated pads. You’ll even find out how she tackled dad obstacles like expecting sex, and grandparent antics including dueling grandmas. Read along and enjoy this incredibly relatable book for all new moms.

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I honestly haven’t read any of these books except #12, Baby Laughs, which I highly recommend. Jenny McCarthy also wrote Belly Laughs and Life Laughs, and I recommend both of those books as well! Very quick and easy reads and also sooo hilarious.

My friend loaned me #6, What to Expect the First Year, and I did flip through that occasionally as a reference guide, but to be honest, the PPD was drowning me so I wasn’t doing a whole lot of reading at that time.

I wish someone had handed me #5, This Isn’t What I Expected. I’m actually thinking I may read it now even though I’m in a different state of mind to see if it is something I personally would recommend because a lot of people do reach out to me regarding PPD and depression/anxiety in general. So I will read it and let you know my thoughts. But, hang tight, because I’m currently reading 50 Shades of Grey….

I hope you found this list helpful. A big thank you to Christine at Medicalbillingandcoding.org for sharing this wonderful post with us!

**If you think you or someone you know may be suffering from PPD please contact a medical professional immediately.

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The Fabulous Blog Award

18 Jul

I was recently bestowed The Fabulous Blog Award from a fabulous blogger, Menopausal Mother!  Yayy! Thank you Menopausal Mother for thinking of Jlee’s Blog!

Menopausal Mother writes about: “The good the bad and the ugly about going through menopause. Musings from a middle aged momma.”

To me, from reading her posts, she is a lovely woman and mother who blogs with wit and without shame. Exactly the kind of blogs I enjoy reading! I encourage you to check out her site; she will have you rolling on the floor with laughter – check out one of my fave posts: How to Annoy Your Children.

So it is with gratitude that I humbly accept The Fabulous Blog Award (yayy, my 3rd blogging award!) and give you everyone’s favorite, “The Rules”.

Yes, there always has to be rules, and I sort of skipped the rules when accepting my 2nd blogging award for fear that my readers would just get sick of hearing about my likes/dislikes, etc. But, being appreciative to any peers who read and enjoy my work I have to be gracious, as I always am.

Without further ado – “The Rules”

Rules to the Fabulous Blog Award:
1. Thank the blogger who gave it to you and share the link back to the awarding blog.
2. Name 5 fabulous moments in your life.
3. Name 5 things you love.
4. Name 5 things you hate.
5. Pass the award to 5 deserving bloggers.

Name 5 Fabulous Moments in Your Life

1. Getting my kitten, Kennedy, who is now a 13-year-old cat when I was 19 years old after begging and pleading with my parents to let me bring her home because of course she’d be going away to college with me in the fall. That lasted for 3 months until the apartment company told me to send my kitten home or we’d both have to find a new home.

2. Graduating college, which I honestly never believed I would actually do. Even though I attended school I don’t think I ever imagined myself actually completing school. A couple bad semesters clarified that [yes, there was an F in accounting] as well as a swift kick in the rear from my parents which made me turn it all around. And yes! I did graduate in May 2001 from Illinois State University.

3. The day I closed on my condo in 2004 at 25 years old. I don’t remember the exact date, but I was so proud of my accomplishment of purchasing my own real estate. I worked two jobs and saved for months to get it.  It wasn’t anything fancy, but it was mine. And it had a pool.

4. My Wedding at The Moon Palace Resort in Mexico! I was so appreciative of my family and friends who made the trip to Mexico to celebrate my big day. What an honor.

5. The day I felt like myself again after my long battle with Post Partum Depression. It was at my BFFs wedding (you remember my infamous blog post: JUST STOP TALKING!!!). I remember we were on the dance floor just her and I … I know I was three sheets to the wind. We were both crying as she hugged me and told me she saw the sparkle back in my eyes and knew I was ‘back’. “Jen’s back!” She had exclaimed. It was the best moment because I knew in my heart I was back, too. I made it, I survived it.

Name 5 Things You Love

I know you probably all expected me to list the Chiquita’s birth as one of my fabulous moments, and don’t get me wrong; the Chiquita is the best thing that ever happened to me. But, to be perfectly honest her birth was a very difficult day for me ~ I was fearful, I was emotional, I was overwhelmed, I was tired, I cried a lot ~ there are sooo many emotions that come with having a baby, not to mention that I lost large amounts of blood in the hospital, didn’t see my baby for 11 hours after she was born and was scared shitless to see her for the first time in the NICU with tubes all over her (See post: Babies on The Brain) and while her birth was amazing and I will never ever forget that day in the hospital I probably wouldn’t describe it as ‘fabulous’. Maybe that’s wrong, but sorry, that’s how I feel. BUT, I will say that the #1 thing that I love is the Chiquita. And just like the Bryan Adams song, Everything I do, I do it for you, my Boo Boo. So..
1. The Chiquita

2. Writing! I’d rather die than be told I could never write again.

3. Juicy Couture, fucking duh.

4. Reality TV, yes, yes I do. I love Kardashians, Kendra on Top, 16 & Pregnant, Teen Mom, and of course, my future BFFs show Giuliana and Bill…

5. Going for evening walks with my husband, my daughter and the late Dexter (See Love and Loss).

Name 5 Things You Hate

1. Being told I can’t do something, i.e., Authority

2. Facebook, though yes, I am on FB I actually despise it.

3. Editing my book, which is obvious as I’ve been doing it for three years.

4. It’s weird how I can’t think of anything I hate, yet, probably 50% of the day I hear myself saying: “I hate…blah blah blah.” So, I guess I hate that I can’t think of anything to hate when I know I hate a lot of stuff given my bad Italian attitude.

5. I hate Jen Schefft simply because she didn’t pick a winner in The Bachelorette back in 2005. It still eats at me to this day.

5 Deserving Bloggers

I’ve done some blog research because my last attempt at naming some great bloggers I read left me embarrassed that I repeatedly tell you about the same blogs over and over. It made me see I needed to expand my horizons a little bit…see I’m a creature of habit. I like my comfort zone. I decided it was time to get out there and discover some new blogs…which I did!

Let me present these 5 Fabulous Blogs that I am so happy I have now discovered and will continue to read. Please give them a chance as well!

1. Josie @ Go Momma! Josie’s blog is “a collection of true short stories, anecdotes and day to day commentary on the joys, hilarity and woes of being a pregnant, stay-at-home mother to two terrific tots!”

2. Zannah @ Write, Rinse, Repeat. Zannah writes about “Monotony at its Funniest”.

3. SJ and Michael @ Chasing the Donkey! They blog about “making the move from Sydney to Croatia to “Chase the Donkey”, and blogging about building a home by the sea and our Croatian misadventures.”

4. Nathan @ Life and Everything Else In Between. Nathan blogs about “everyday life and everything else in between!”

5. Liesel @ Pretty. Random. Things. Liesel blogs about pretty and random things. She has giveaways and is currently doing an amazing ‘picture challenge’ which I’m hoping to try to do as well after her fabulous idea.

As I said above, these are blogs that I have newly discovered, but I have read them and find them to be very interesting. I believe you all will as well.

Again a big thank you to Menopausal Mother for giving me this wonderful honor! Thank you very much for your support!

A big thank you to my readers as well!
Readers: I would love to hear from you about what posts you are really digging and what posts you’re maybe not so into it….I want to please you so you keep reading because remember, I would die if I couldn’t write. :) Thanks again for the support!

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Glow

5 Jul

The word ‘glow’ makes me think of the romantic glow of soft lights, the orange glow of Snooki’s tan or the pregnant glow of the mama-to-be.

On Sunday I watched the glow of the fire that burned my journal away to nothing.  I watched the bad times burn away.  The memories be erased.

At the end it was nothing. All that had plagued my life was now nothing but dust particles flying through the night’s sky.

When I hit rock bottom during my very public battle with Post Partum Depression I wanted to die.  Nothing gave me joy, not even the smile of my baby.  I was drowning in misery, and I couldn’t escape it.

I felt hopeless.

I quit writing because I had nothing to say – well I had everything to say but none of it made any sense. It was a barrage of my internal struggles. I quit my social life because who wanted to be around a Debbie downer? I’m not saying my friends didn’t want me around; it was all me. I lost the ability to socialize. I over drank. I just wanted to escape it all.

If you’ve been reading Jlee’s Blog none of this is new to you.  My time “away” was like a bad dream that occasionally flashes back leaving me with guilt, self-pity and sadness over what I experienced.

There are times that I am simply too much in my own head; analyzing where it all went astray.  Questioning how I could have “fixed” it knowing what a waste of time this is; knowing that I can never go back. Reminding myself that what I went through made me a stronger, more empathetic woman; all good lessons learned.

I made some very big changes in my life following my breakdown in February 2011. The most important change was switching medical providers. “Hiring” a new medical team is what saved my life.

I was now seeing people who actually cared about me and wanted to help me and wanted me to live. They feared that this scared and sad new mother might actually attempt suicide. And I was there. I contemplated it many times.

But I didn’t. For Eva.

I didn’t want her to grow up with the burden of telling people that her mom had killed herself. I wanted her to have a fighting chance at a good life despite her crazy family, her crazy mom and the crazy world we live in.

After months of weekly therapy sessions with my counselor I broke down in her office one evening.

“Why aren’t I getting better?”

I was both exhausted and frustrated. I was sick of going to bed at night begging God to die, knowing that I could never take myself, but maybe, just maybe, He would listen.

One day she asked me to start journaling. It wasn’t like it was a new phenomenon.  I wrote journals and short stories all the time as a kid. I love expressing myself through my writing; it just makes sense to me.

But, I wasn’t too keen on the idea of journaling. “You want me to write about things I’m trying to forget about?”

To me this seemed crazy, and I told her such. I couldn’t live through this the first time, how am I supposed to relive it?

She warned me it would be difficult. There would be tears and heartache. There would be anger and flashbacks. But, she encouraged me to write.

“Don’t write your blog, where people can judge you and bring you down. Write for yourself. And yourself alone.”

Not knowing what else to do, but knowing I was desperate to get better I bought a journal. I wrote every single day. I wrote about the pain, the frustration, the hospital scare, the depression, my feelings of failure, my struggles with friendships and abandonment issues from the loss of my family…I wrote and wrote and wrote.

And then one day I started to feel better.

The more I wrote the better I felt. I can’t really explain why, but it was almost like reliving the experiences allowed my brain to process the drama. Well, that’s what my counselor said anyway, and it made sense to me. I’m a very analytical person so my brain will continue to replay situations over and over questioning what I did, what I said, how I looked. It’s exhausting.

But, it was even more exhausting when I was crumbling to pieces and analyzing the life I used to live with the life I was now living and a sense of failure through it all. Writing allowed me to release it all from my brain and into a world of nothingness.

I never reread what I wrote. Why? Why continue to scrutinize the pain? Plus, the one time I did reread I was editing typos in my writing. Like wtf, weirdo, no one is ever going to read this!

Writing was difficult. I did experience flashbacks that I would work through in counseling, but I still continued to write. I cried when I wrote. But, I still continued to write.

My mood began to improve dramatically. I started to feel a bit like myself again. I still continued to write for fear of falling back into my depression. It couldn’t happen. I couldn’t go back there.

And then the journal was full. Every single page written with my scribbles in red ink, in pencil, in cursive, in print….the journal was full. I closed the book and looked at it. This journal is full of fears and secrets and most of all the struggles of a very sick me.

I knew immediately what I needed to do.

BURN IT.

Burn, baby, burn. That life is over. That woman is gone. I didn’t want to ever look at that journal again. I didn’t want to ever read my thoughts and those words again.

I told my husband of my plans to burn my journal. He didn’t understand it.

“I want to close this chapter of my life and never relive it ever again,” I told him, pleading with him to get it.

I wanted to watch it all burn away. Burn to nothing.

The depression brought me down to nearly nothing, but yet there was still a small fire inside me that wouldn’t let me die. A spark deep inside that forced me to fight for my life.

And now as I live and breathe I wanted to watch all those memories burn away….and that’s exactly what I did.

I didn’t cry. I didn’t smile. I simply sat there and watched a year’s worth of pain become nothing.

And now a new chapter begins.

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Repepepepepeat….I Want a Divorce [Drama]

19 Jun

I wrote I Want a Divorce [Drama] in October 2010. It is one of my favorite posts because I think it represents how vulnerable I was at the time. The Post Partum Depression I suffered from was suffocating me. I knew I was going crazy, but I didn’t have a clue how sick I really was. I was on a speeding train ready to crash and burn. Unfortunately it would be another four months on this [crazy] train before I would finally get the help I needed.

I know this post was very difficult for many of my friends to read. It caused them to be fearful and worried for my well-being, but now that I am in a healthy place, please give it another read and see if you feel differently about it now. I’ve entered this piece in a couple of contests hoping for publication, but without any luck yet. Maybe it’s not as good as I think? But, it’s mine, and I will always cherish this post. I hope you enjoy it as well.

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Photo courtesy of http://www.fanpop.com

You’re not healthy for me, and you know it.  I try to push you away.  You repeatedly creep back in and say you’re here to stay.

Like the mold in my shower I keep scrubbing away.  Scrubbing you out of my tomorrow and today.  The harder I scrub, the harder it is to resist you.  I can’t get cleansed of you and the more wrinkled and bloody my hands become.  The toxic products destroy my skin, but also my lungs,  as I breathe you in.

I know you’re harmful to me, you’re toxic, but like you’re my drug addiction I can’t stop you.  I can’t fight it.  You are always there.  You enter my body and poison my veins.  Like a river you flow through me, and now I don’t care.  You tingle through my arms, my legs and my feet…I can taste you on my lips and boy do you taste sweet.

You reach my heart and slowly squeeze it.  I’m suffocating; I need air.  I look in the mirror and see the damage you have done, though I’m still here.  My heart is broken and weak, do you see me suffering?  My eyes are empty and pleading; but you will slowly kill me.

“God help me!”  I cry out.  I plead with him, please!  I will do anything, God, just make me free.  He listens, but not for long….because you slither back in.  You follow me throughout my day and into the eve.  You’re the nightmare I can’t break free from; you’re with me every night.  I wake up in a cold sweat, thinking of you and pining for you, but dreading the light.

You don’t know how not to wound me.  And you don’t care when you do.  You take over my mind and my body and bounce me like a yo-yo.  You watch me whither away until I resign my soul to you.  I am a robot wandering aimlessly about and you have the remote control.

You exhaust me and frustrate me and anger me, too.  Can’t you see that I’m tired and sick without you?  I’m just exhausted of the lies and pain that you’ve caused.   I can’t take this anymore.  I want a divorce from you.  I want to be away from you and never see your face again.  I want to – I need to – break free of these powers you have over me.

But I don’t seem to know how.  I can’t get away from you!  No matter how hard I try to leave you, you come find me and fight.  You carry me back in, and without you I might die.  No matter how much wine I drink to numb me, I still wake up cold, and empty, and alone.  Sober I am your puppet and you run the show.  My puppet master, you will operate me while I fight for my life.  When I’m drunk I don’t fear you, but crave your bite.

Stop!  Just stop the madness, with you I plead!  But you don’t and you won’t, why don’t you see?  Like a vampire you bite me and suck more blood from me.  You let me lay close to death, and then you breathe air into my lungs.  Just then, my eyes open, and I see you standing there.  I look you in the face, and I don’t feel angry, my memory erased.  I’m happy to see you.  You make me feel alive and well again.  I can breathe!  Oh how I’ve missed you.  Oh how I need you by my side.

And then you suck the air from my lungs again, leaving me drained and helpless with only my jumbled thoughts and fears.  I break into tears and you lick my face clean.  The tears keep flowing from my eyes and you watch me weep.  I’m drowning in a river of sorrow and pain.  Help me please!  You throw me a rope, and you rescue me.

There I lay begging you to wrap your warm arms around me.  You smile at me like the Cheshire Cat and disappear into thin air.  I’m alone and crying.  Where did you go?  Why did you leave me again?  Come back for me.  Please.

Then you reappear with a soft voice telling me to follow you here…follow you through the woods and out of this nightmare.  We can wake up in Wonderland, together you and me.  But, your voice is getting fainter and again you leave me.  I can’t hear you anymore!  Wait up.  Wait for me!  And you’re gone again, forcing me to finally see.

I twirl around in circles; my arms stretched out wide.  I’m spinning and spinning, you’re no longer by my side.  I’m dizzy and falling, and the rain pours down.  My long black hair rinses clean, and I am back to me; back to blonde. I’m free of you.  I’m free! I’m looking in the mirror again – at me, at me smiling, and blonde, and tan and pretty.  And you startle me.  There I see you just behind me.  You smile at me, reminding me you will always be just behind the curtain, you will wait to reappear and throw me off-balance from my life.  Reminding me you will come back for me; this will never be done,  no matter how far I run and hide, no matter what color my hair, no matter drunk or sober, you will still be there.  You whisk me up and will sweep me away, against all my efforts to be still, to stay.

I follow you down the dark damp hole.  I hear drip…drip….and I’m looking everywhere, where did you go?  You tell me left, I look right, you tell me right, I look left.  I’m so confused, let’s end this right.  I want a divorce, drama, that’s what I need. Please, drama, grant me the divorce I need.  I beg of you let me break free, give me this opportunity.  But you don’t.  You won’t.  You never will.

You breathe me in and suffocate me.  I gasp for air.  You take away my fears and then disappear.  You leave me scared and alone, down deep in the hole.  I try to crawl out towards the light.  Just a few more steps to go, I can no longer fight, drama.

Free me of these silly games, I don’t deserve to suffer this way.  Thank you fear and violence, and disillusionment and hope; thank you sadness and laughter, and anguish and faith.  Thank you drama, can you hear?  For without you I have no confidence to stay…. I want a divorce….drama, please, just allow me to be.  Drama…please let me go….I am broken and alone.

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