Tag Archives: Public Bathroom

#4: Get to Know ~ “The Wingman” James Holeva

10 Jan

“The Wingman” James Holeva and I “met” via Twitter. I checked out some info on him and thought he was a pretty sexy and interesting guy. Since I do have several male readers and really cool chick readers I knew that you guys would definitely want me to introduce you to this ladies man.

I’m so excited to have had the honor to interview this talented up-and-comer because I can assure you in no time at all he will be walking the red carpet, the next George Clooney, with a different hottie on his arm at every event.

While I have aspirations of walking the red carpet, see I Owe It All To Poop, I would never be the girl on “The Wingman’s” arm because let’s just face it, I’m totally not cool enough. And I’ve never been titty-f*cked and don’t think I’d ever want to be. It sounds painful. Does that make me a prude?

Well, don’t read on if you are a prude because this interview is Rated R. For those of you interested in testing your sexual prowess keep reading….and for my Chi-town readers “The Wingman” is having a live show this weekend — flyer below!

promo shot hat

What made you decide to not only write but to publish The Wingman Chronicles?
I figured it would get me a lot of ass, and make me a lot of money, and ass and money are what life is about. Relax I’m half-joking. Honestly I heard about Sex and the City when I was in high school and I thought how cool would it be to read something like that but from the guy’s perspective. I looked everywhere for something like that but couldn’t find it, so I had to write it myself. I always felt my life was a movie, show, book etc. and write what I know. I remember I had an English teacher Mrs. Kelleher in high school and her saying to the class about writers and fiction, and how nobody’s life is that interesting, and raising my hands and telling her my life is, and she said, you should write about it. And I was like, I have been. I don’t think she knew at the time it would be quite as filthy but like I said, I write what I know, and I write it the way I’d want to read it.

Wingman1

How long did it take you to recount your sex-capades in your autobiography? Were there any stories you just couldn’t share or did you really put it all out there?
Well like they say in music you have your whole life to write your first album so it was a situation of that. I’m a fast writer but the first story of the book was written in August of 2008, and then I would write a story here and there, then in September of 2009 I started writing a column called The Wingman Chronicles for Northeastern PA. arts & entertainment weekly The Weekender so I compiled a lot of ideas I drew from there, then kept going. It was on and off while I was working on many other things but the actual spurts of writing were very quick. Recounting the stories is easy—one thing I have going for me is although I may pretend I don’t know a lot of girls I don’t want to talk to I actually remember just about everything I’ve experienced, and I’m talking about exact conversations, what was said, how the word was said, and this goes back to being a little kid. It’s not an autobiography, it’s an autobiographical novel so there is some fiction thrown in. I originally was going to go the memoir route until the last minute but I planned for this to be a series and had some fictional ideas for the future books so I wanted to keep my options opened creatively. The book is 90 percent completely true, and the other 10 percent based on true experiences and true feelings, with some fiction mixed in. A lot of the stuff the reader will be like “this is so fucked up, this can’t be true,” it probably is true, and some of the fictional parts are actually the most personal to me. I pretty much put it all out there, and the next book will go deeper.

How do women respond to you knowing you may write about your adventures with them? How do you handle any criticism?
They go out of their way to try to do crazy shit that will get them in the book. All I could say is stay the fuck away from my ass, and stop trying to pee on me. As for criticism I used to let it get to me but I’ve learned you can’t please everybody, and when you do this kind of work any reaction is good reaction. So it’s a combination of ignoring and taking every chance I get to call a cunt a cunt. I think all the kids out there should do the same thing.

You created and star in “The Wingman” a TV pilot currently being shopped to networks…maybe the next Sex and the City? How do you like acting?
Yes, I see it as a male version in many ways, and I see it being very close to the book. In fact, I wanted the book to feel like the reader is watching a show on DVD or Netflix and the chapters to be like episodes. You could watch, in this case read, one episode at a time, or a few, or go right through the whole season like I do when I find a new show I like. I love acting, and have always wanted to act. In fact, while writing I get up and act the dialogue out to make sure it feels right.

Check out the trailer for the pilot here.

Which actress would you love to work with?
A couple who pop out are Scarlett Johansson, who I see as perfect for the Noelle character from the book, and Gina Gershon who would be great to play a character in the sequel.

Gina Gershon

Gina Gershon

You also have a debut album coming out and a radio show! How do you do it all and what do you envision for your future?
I recorded a comedy album last year, and it should be out soon. It’s going to be called “Bedrooms, Backseats and Bathroom Stalls.” The recording went awesome and really has the live experience I try to give in my shows, and wanted it to have. I think sometimes albums come off very rehearsed but my show is very interactive and crazy, I do a lot of crowd work, I do the #askwingman Q & A portion of the show where I answer sex, dating, relationship and creepin’ questions on-stage and I wanted that live energy to really come out and I think we got that. I did a syndicated weekly radio segment “Wingman Wednesday” originating on 97 BHT from 2008-2011 and that was a blast. I had to be toned down since it was a top 40 section but it went very well, and I’d answer dating and creepin’ questions every week. I’m hustling constantly and always have a ton of ideas going on. And more than half the time is spent on the business end of it all but it’s what it takes. I envision myself of course writing and starring in my own TV series, writing and starring in movies… comedy/drama, doing great work, more of The Wingman Chronicles book series, writing other books of other genres, world tour, playing Madison Square Garden, and also have other TV series and scripts… Both for me to act in, and stuff I wrote with other people in mind. And in the short term keep writing, and touring, trying to go everywhere. My book is doing well all over the world and I want all my fans to have the chance to come see me live. Yeah, I have a few plans.

Let’s talk breasts since you’ve seen a lot….big, small? Real, fake? How’s your motorboat skills?
I don’t like real tits, I don’t like fake tits, I like great tits. How they got that way is none of my concern. I don’t order dinner at a restaurant and go into the kitchen and ask the chef. What exactly did you put in this sauce, are the spices natural, is it gluten free? I just slop that up. Same with tits, which is why my motorboat skills are top notch. It’s all about the passion and the nipple sucking. However having a huge cock and all I do prefer to titty-fuck. The best part about it is keeping a girl in suspense about where I’ll blow my load.

Do you have a background in journalism/writing/communications? What would you be doing if you weren’t starting a “Wingman” brand?
Yes I do. I was a journalist for six years writing primarily sports features but a little bit of everything, from game stories, to entertainment, and some hard news. I also had a ski column “The White Stuff” (and no, I didn’t even name it), before I had my sex column “The Wingman Chronicles.” Hmm… If I wasn’t starting “The Wingman” brand I’d be working on another writing, acting or comedy related project but otherwise I’d be pursuing journalism actively or working in marketing/public relations… If it was something completely different I’d be a lawyer. You’ll see in my book I have a solid legal background, learned primarily from watching Ally McBeal and Boston Legal.

Being a native to New York I’m sure you’ve been to The Sex Museum? What was your favorite exhibit?
I’m actually a native to Clarks Summit, PA, but live in New York City now. My favorite exhibit would have to be the bathroom. Me, sex museum, horny girls… I kind of was the exhibit. Don’t worry I’m thinking about merchandising replica hard-eights.

What is your drink of choice?
Diet coke… I live on that. Alcoholic drinks is what I’m sure you actually mean and lately either Vodka Tonic or Vodka Cranberry. I used to be big into Sugar Free Red Bull and Vodka but lately the majority of my drinking is at shows, a little bit before and during, and then primarily after and I’m already amped enough from the performance so I don’t need more caffeine.

Who is your favorite sports team? Be careful…you’re talking to a lifelong Cubs fan!
Well I’m more about watching a good game in general. Baseball is by far my favorite sport to watch, but I would have to say the Phillies.

Any words of wisdom for Jlee’s readers?
Read my book, come see me live, follow me on twitter… If you’re a hot girl let me spank you on-stage, sign your tits and ass. Don’t use an endless amount of coupons in line in front of me at the grocery store. Every time you cockblock you’re not helping your friends, you’re making them hate you, and most of all don’t ever let anybody stifle your adventure.

Live in Chicago January 11th and 12th! Get your tickets!

Live in Chicago January 11th and 12th! Get your tickets!

Please follow “The Wingman” via twitter or you can ‘Like’ his FB page here. A big thank you to Mr. James Holeva! This interview has been a pleasure. I’ve been laughing and cringing. ;) Thanks again.

5 Days of Insanity: Part III

18 Sep

The 5 Days of Insanity posts continue to be very popular on my blog. 5 Days of Insanity has actually gotten the highest views and most comments of any of my posts. (Thanks Readers!! :D )

It all started when I purchased a Groupon for a 5 day juice cleanse from A Choice 4 Life back in March. Not much of a cleanse person (I’m Italian, and I like my food) I figured I’d give it a shot and do a write-up of my experience for the blog.

After talking about it with a friend she decided to also give it a shot. By the way, she is a cleanse person and usually does very well on cleanses and diets in general (unlike me). When she purchased the A Choice 4 Life Juice Cleanse I asked her if she would write a guest post of her experience for the blog. She agreed ~ and has offered some great tips for my readers in 5 Days of Insanity: Part II.

Not to beat a dead horse…but seeing as though there is continued interest in this Groupon and this juice cleanse, I figured we could use a man’s point of view.

Today’s post comes to us from Dave. A big thank you to Dave! I’m glad you survived. :)

Photo courtesy of A Choice 4 Life

 

Hi Jennifer – thought I would keep you up to date with my five day journey…I am on day 2 as I type and can tell you much much worse than day 1.
______________________________________________________________________
It’s a long time coming, but my girlfriend and I are finally doing the 5 day cleansing after taking a month to receive it from Groupon. We both decided to start on Monday, since we didn’t want to destroy our weekends with starvation and everything else that comes with a cleansing.Day 1-I woke up around 7 and was surprisingly not hungry? Not sure why – maybe I convinced my body that it didn’t need food during the five days. I drank my 12 ounces and tea and 6 ounces of protein – which tastes eerily familiar to being in a barn filled with hay? Hmmm… I wonder if they just tell you it’s protein? I went to work with one arm filled with fruit and the other with a 64 ounce bottle of grapefruit juice. Believe it or not, my first day was somewhat ‘normal’ other than a mild headache (lack of coffee) and a constant running to the bathroom because I was drinking so much. I think by the end of the five days the carpet between my office and the bathroom will be worn down. My evening was the same, for some reason I was not that hungry. I ate grapes, a plum and a pound or two of watermelon. Off to bed around 10 with a commitment to continue for the next 4 days.

Day 2-I woke up at 4:45 and off to the gym I went. I did weights and 45 minutes of spinning. I felt a bit achy, but probably from the Tough Mudder Challenge I did the past weekend – not likely from all the fruit working it’s way through my body. Came home, drank my ‘stuff’ (tea and protein) and off to work with Apple Juice. This of course is where my 5 day program gets interesting. I am drinking my apple juice in the morning and rather enjoying the change from the tart grapefruit the day before. At about 9:30 a.m. my stomach starts rumbling and 15 minutes later… all hell breaks loose! I am now running back and forth to the shitter maybe 6 or 7 times until 11:00, at which time I have to leave for an offsite meeting! I am gone until 1:00 and during that time I am dying! Holding everything back and in for what felt like an eternity. Made it back to my house for another quick relief and then off to the office to finish my juice and allocate 20% of the rest of my day to the porcelain god.Oddly enough, my evening was uneventful and I would say even good. I ate another pound of watermelon, watch a movie and honestly – just not hungry…weird for me. No more rumbling or porcelain gods for the evening!

Day 3-I didn’t sleep well last night, probably more stress related than the cleansing. When I finally got up around 7:00, I felt really good – not hungry at all, which is odd for me. I did my usual tea and protein before leaving the house cradling my prune juice (better known as shit maker) and a bag of grapes. How does one even contemplate 64 ounces of shit maker? Are you kidding me – I think the person who designed the cleansing is a sick mf’er! My day went exactly as you would have expected – running back and forth to my second office from 11:00 on, but this time with more power and vengeance from the body. I think I must have a lot of toxins in me because far more is coming out then ever went in! My stomach is in constant cramps with a side of rumble to boot. I am not hungry (no surprise) but I don’t feel weak or lethargic like others have from the cleansing. In the evening, I cooked dinner for my girls and watched them eat one of my favorite dishes. My stomach was going absolutely crazy throughout the evening with my last run the bathroom at 1:36 a.m. I’ll be honest, I was a bit scared that I was going to shit my pants in the middle of the night – oh what a feeling! I am now beginning to wonder if this is all worth it…

Day 4-Not sure what’s wrong with me, but definitely not sleeping well…I was falling in and out of sleep throughout the night, but my stomach cramps were gone after my 1:36 bout. My day started fine, although a bit lethargic. I quickly drank my protein hay and herbal/detoxing tea. Today’s drink of choice was grape juice. Oh how deceptive that wonderful child drink can be. My morning went fine with one trip to the bathroom and an amazing amount of grumbling. I had a client lunch, asked for a fruit plate with weird stares from my guest and of course this restaurant has NO fruit. So I sit and drank my lemon water while everyone is devouring plates of wonderfulness! During lunch, I am feeling something ‘coming on’ but resist going to the bathroom as I know it may be a while. After an hour or so, we finally drop off the client and head back to the office. This is when I knew I was done! I was in the bathroom for 20 minutes and 11 flushes later. I felt at this point I had cleaned every part of my system and had nothing left to give. Later on in the evening, I had two bowls of soup, contemplated my last four days and felt satisfied with my cleansing. I have not weighed myself – but would imagine that I lost 5 – 7 pounds. I feel thinner and know that I did something good for my body.

I am not sure I would recommend it. If I knew for sure it made a difference – YES, but I will never know. It’s a bit of faith that goes into these cleansings.

The consensus seems to be that you spend an awful lot of time on the toilet….so might want to invest in one of these.

If you are interested in trying this cleanse here is the information that you need:

A Choice For Life, Holistic Wellness Center
10650 S. Western Ave.
Chicago, IL 60643
(773) 239-7740
www.AChoice4Life.com

I Owe It All To Poop

7 Sep

I recently signed up for LinkedIn at the insistence of my writing coach. I feel so professional saying that…my writing coach. I’ve gotten very serious about selling my manuscript, Concrete Boots. Read the excerpt here. Writing Coach thought LinkedIn would give me more exposure. I figured what do I have to lose?

Within two weeks of being on LinkedIn I was contacted by a reporter for Businessweek in New York. I know, omg, right?! She said she wanted to interview me for a bathroom story because she had read my post Let’s Talk Bathroom Etiquette and thought it was “hilarious”.

I immediately responded grateful for the opportunity. My brain started spinning out of control…omg, this is IT. This is my break. People are going to read my writing and think it’s great, and I am going to be the next J.K. Rowling. I will be BFF with Giuliana Rancic. My book will be turned into a great movie, like The Devil Wears Prada. I will be invited to the Oscars when Katie Holmes wins Best Actress for playing ME in Concrete Boots. (PS. Once before I mentioned Jennifer Love Hewitt, but now I’m thinking Katie Holmes…totally).

Umm..yeah I totally look like Kate

O-M-G. So exciting.

Then…

The balloon deflates. The air slowly whistles out……..

I’ll let the conversation speak for itself:

—–Original Message—–
From: Venessa Wong (BLOOMBERG/ 731 LEXIN)
Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 2:21 PM
To: jlee5879@live.com
Subject: Urgent Businessweek inquiry, One of your blog posts

Hi JLee,
I am a reporter for Businessweek in New York. I saw one of your blog posts
and was wondering if this was yours:
http://jleesblog.com/2012/04/05/lets-talk-bathroom-etiquette-repepepepepeat/
It’s hilarious and I am looking for funny stories about bathroom etiquette
in the office for an article. Let me know if this is something I can
interview you about!

Sincerely,
Venessa

I’m going to be interviewed!!! Ohmigosh, who will style me for the Oscars? Stella McCartney?

This is gorge! Guipure Lace Celia Dress $5,145

We trade some emails back and forth and here is what I send:

—– Original Message —–
From: jlee5879@live.com
To: VENESSA WONG (BLOOMBERG/ 731 LEXIN)
At: Sep 4 2012 16:52:01

Here is a bathroom story. I hope this works:

I’m shocked that in this day and age there are people who actually don’t wash their hands openly in front of other people like it’s normal. Now I see why my bonus daughters refuse to touch the bathroom door. I always think they are being a little dramatic. But, much to my surprise I recently heard someone in my office building (cue dramatics) not wash their hands!

How it went down was I was ‘The Pooper‘ so I was settled in catching up on Twitter (follow me @jlee5879blogger) as I often do when I’m attending to my business and ‘The Tortoise and the Hare’ dashes into the bathroom stall for their marathon pee. We’re talking running into the stall and slamming the door shut.

Side note, this is a HUGE pet peeve for me. Do you really need to slam the door shut so that the entire bathroom barricade shakes for us all? The screws are half sticking out after all. One day it is going to fall apart, and if you catch me with my pants down I can tell you our future interactions will be very awkward.

But, back to ‘The Tortoise and the Hare‘ – the marathon pee session consists of a few dribbles followed by a flush (the ‘Flush n Run’); did you even wipe because I’m quite certain that you did not since I didn’t hear our ginormous
commercial toilet paper roll creaking as you grab for TP? And then the run.

O.M.G. As God is my witness here I sit updating Twitter and a ‘Flush n Runner’ has actually left the bathroom without washing their hands. This is unbelievable. I sit there in a complete state of shock. What do I do about this? Do I tweet this? Do I make a sign to hang up in the bathroom? Who could this have been? I’ve got to get to the bottom of this! We the People deserve to know!

As I finish my own business and wash my hands I scrub them extra hard, like that is somehow going to make up for the Mad-dashers lack of bathroom etiquette. I think to myself that I absolutely cannot believe that a grown
woman would not wash her hands after going to the bathroom. That is beyond disgusting. I don’t even like having to use hand sanitizer in a porter potty, and now, here, right in front of you, you have soap. You have water. You have paper towels. This isn’t the dark ages! What is going on?

I’m simply baffled and asking God to give me a response here. Please, explain it to me so I can understand this alternate universe. As I dried my hands and tossed the towel into the trash I remembered I needed a buffer to open the bathroom door with. Obvs the ‘Flush n Runners’ pee-infested hand is all over the bathroom door handle, and I can just imagine the tiny little bugs crawling on the door with hopes of grasping onto my sweet smelling skin with desperation. Even they don’t want to be on that dirty handle.

I grab a new paper towel to open the door with. As I open the door I’m face-to-face with a fellow office worker from down the hall.

Startled, I collect my thoughts and say hello.

“Hi!” She responds, “I left my key in the bathroom!”

O.M.G. And I’m standing face-to-face with the non-hand-washer. Here is your answer God tells me. And to this day every single time I see or speak to her I remember that she doesn’t wash her hands in the ladies room. And then I
throw up in my mouth.

Some other emails go back and forth…did I tweet about the incident? No. Do I talk on the phone in the bathroom? No. I only Tweet in the bathroom!

I patiently wait for the finished piece that is going to change my life…make me the next big thing. :)

—–Original Message—–

From: Venessa Wong (BLOOMBERG/ 731 LEXIN)
Sent: Wednesday, September 05, 2012 2:18 PM
To: jenniferbodoh@live.com

Subject: Re: Urgent Businessweek inquiry, One of your blog posts

Hi Jennifer. Here’s a link. Thanks again for sharing your story! It was hilarious.

http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2012-09-05/trend-watch-fewer-co-workers-are-washing-their-hands#r=hp-ls

THIS IS IT!

Check out the article.

Disappointed?

Did I oversell?

I suppose I did. I oversold it to myself…this gold Stella McCartney bag with my dress at the Oscars. Maybe Prince Harry as my date? (PS. I’m currently obsessed with Prince Harry. It was the nude pics, I’ll admit it).

Pembridge Gold Braided Faux Vacchetta Clutch $830

BUT, here are my thoughts. She found ME. She read my post. She sought me out for an interview. These are all great things. Its baby steps, my friends, baby steps. I just wish I was taking my baby steps in these fab shoes!

Jimmy Choo Balfour Ankle Boot $1,295

I’ve Got Friends in Low Places

30 Aug

Or high places rather. Remember, I’m the future BFF of Giuliana Rancic. I’m not messing around here. I only hang with people who are going places. And one of those people who is going places that I had the opportunity to meet – omg and he’s so cute – is recording artist Anthony Snape.

On Saturday my friend traveled with me to the boondocks of country-living to attend a private tent show at my boss’s home featuring Aussie native Anthony Snape.

My boss and his wife became acquainted with Anthony when they attended a Tommy Emmanuel concert late last year. Anthony has performed hundreds of shows in the United States as Emmanuel’s opening act.

Not only were they blown away by his talent, but my boss and his wife were able to meet the newcomer who has received many awards from the Australian press, including Acoustic Artist of the Year and Best Pop Artist. They have both called Anthony down-to-Earth and kind-hearted, and they wanted to share Anthony’s talent with their family and friends.

So, Neil’s wife went to work trying to finagle Anthony to travel from Nashville, where he now resides since leaving Australia several years ago, to Illinois. When my boss started planning for the event I was like omg, I’m sooo in! I love backyard get-togethers, I love beer, and I love music.

My friend and I made a day of it – she picked me up while Hubs stayed home with the Chiquita. And before you feel bad for him, remember, he’s not a social butterfly so he didn’t really want to go. Which works out fine for me, I figured I’d have more fun with my friend anyways. :)

Goofy girls

Friend and I then went to McDonald’s for Sweet Tea and got on the road to make the hour plus drive to my boss’s country home. Everyone loves a road trip out of the city!

When we neared my boss’s house we passed the road we were supposed to turn on – Budd Road, lmao, Buddddddd – TWICE. Yes, not once, but twice. Wtf were we doing? Two chicks on the road; we felt like Thelma and Louise, in the beginning when they first took off and were hot, not the end when they were sweaty felons running from the law. That movie actually depressed me at the end. Third times the charm and we finally found Budddddd Road. Only in the country would they have a Budd Road.

We were sort of intimidated when we showed up. I don’t know why, I guess I was because I don’t really never socialize with my bosses too much outside of work. I’m pretty sure they know I’m crazy (they often refer to my ‘Italian temper’) and they think I’m an alcoholic (sorry I like wine!), but I try not to subject them to that. You know, what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Plus Friend is sort of on the crazy side, too, so this could go one of two ways. I hope one doesn’t end up with me fired.

We pulled our cooler full of Hoegaarden and LaCroix (must-have!) up the driveway. As we walked towards the garage we saw the big orange box. Holy cow, my boss even got a porter-potty for the occasion! So official.

Side note, I did pull Boss aside and request to use the powder room because “I have to like touch up my make-up and stuff.” [high-maintenance, I know]

But the real reason was just because I hate porter-potties. I can’t remember the last time I used a porter-potty. Oh, I do remember. It was when the Chiquita was 2 weeks old and we were walking home from the Cellar Door park. Long story short I had to go soo badly, but I couldn’t fit the stroller inside. Wtf. So, here I am squatting over the plastic toilet seat while I hold up my dress and hold open the door so I can see the Chiquita. This is a true story. This is why I hate porter potties. Well, that and the smell, the lack of toilet paper, the lack of hand sanitation (i.e., soap and water, not those ridiculous hand sanitizers). Now that I think about it, porter potties should be destroyed.

OK, I just went off on a tangent there.

Official Guest Tag

So Friend and I get settled in (we even got these groovy tags to wear), crack open a Hoegaarden with freshly cut lemons (I don’t half-ass anything) and sit down to take it all in. We talk with this very hot and cool chick that we desperately want to be friends with, but who also is a country dweller so that will probably never happen. And her husband was a bit of a tool.

When the show started a bit later we didn’t know what to expect. Anthony performed under a large tent and we excitedly took seats near the back. You know, so we could get up for refills or bathroom breaks without disturbing anyone. We’re very polite.

I’d also like you to know we were very well-behaved, and only did I have one ‘moment’ where I tried to get my boss’s wife to do a shot of tequila with me, luckily she declined, and oh yeah another ‘moment’ of trying to hook Friend up with a man from my boss’s “geek group” by shouting “Oh! Friend needs some computer work done!” which left her actually speechless and praying for a distraction. Even Boss looked at me like, STFU. Oops. I love it.

Back to the show, it was a beautiful summer afternoon, warm and breezy, and when Anthony started to croon the whole crowd was in utter amazement. He played the guitar – and the ukulele – with such ease, yet he also had such warmth with the crowd.

Playing the ukelele…he’s hot

He’s not…

He shared anecdotes of each song and of his decision to come to the US. He told us of his song being played on the popular show The Biggest Loser and how he was so excited, but then when he found out the name of the show he was like – uhhhhh, how am I supposed to promote that? By the way, in addition to The Biggest Loser, his songs have also been featured on General Hospital and ABC News.

Following the show he mingled with the party guests – and we snapped this pic with him! – and he signed autographs and answered questions. And what was so cool was that he was just as delighted to be playing for us as we were to be meeting him and hearing him sing.

I am definitely now a fan and I urge you to check him out!

Website: http://anthonysnape.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/anthonysnape
Twitter: https://twitter.com/@anthonysnape
Instagram: @snapeshots

Also, listen to my favorite Anthony song – the Instagram song! [Actual title: Pictures] I just went to sign up for an Instagram account so I could follow Anthony and share some pics with my readers, and I sadly just discovered that you can’t get Instagram on a Windows phone. :( Hopefully soon!

Check back for more info on Anthony – I am hoping to twist his arm into being our next “Get to Know” featured on Jlee’s Blog! Also, my boss’s wife is trying to get him to perform this winter in Chicagoland. Stay tuned!

And a big thanks to Anthony Snape! We had a wonderful time and were so honored to meet you and be a part of such a fantastic show.

5 Days of Insanity: Part II

24 Aug

Today’s post comes to us from one of my good friends. Even though she read my review 5 Days of Insanity she was still crazy enough to give the cleanse a shot. :) She was kind of enough to share her experience with us.

In case you don’t recall my own experience with 5 Days of Insanity…in March I did a 5 day juice cleanse courtesy of A Choice 4 Life. I will provide the information at the bottom of this email in the chance you would like to try it out. Please enjoy my friend’s take below…she is very witty and you will be rooting for her to make it through to the end!

I decided to start my cleanse on a Monday, because I felt like I could enjoy the weekend, and then hit the grind at the beginning of the week. I admit I overindulged the weekend prior, knowing I was doing this cleanse and feeling like I was going to prison, I ate everything I could think of, and drank a bunch of wine too. Why not, I am hitting the reset button! Maybe not the best idea…maybe not even a good idea.

Day 1-I wake up starving, due, I suspect, to my overeating/drinking on the weekend. Also, I already have to go to the bathroom and I haven’t even started the cleanse yet. Ok, focus, get the mixes going, drink up and eat some of the fruit I got at Whole Foods the day before. And wait, I have to drink all 64 oz of this juice? Per day? I must have read that wrong! They give you choices of juice and you can either do 1 juice per day, or mix/match so I decided to mix it up. Ok, I grab my Cranberry juice and head to work, which is just upstairs since I am lucky enough to work from home (but am I lucky? I feel like the fridge and pantry are calling my name, taunting me). Meanwhile, I am working and starving. I complain to friends. They give me support and tell me I can do it. It’s the FIRST day. Decide to take a lunch break, and head to Trader Joe’s to try to find more variety, what else can I eat? I need to find something. I get a few more fruits, and decide to add in some low salt cashews because my body is craving salt like there is no tomorrow, and cashews are a fruit, yippee. I also grab some tomatoes, because well, they are the forgotten fruit. Wait, uh oh, I have to go to the bathroom at TJ’s…nice. This coming from a girl who has a fear of going to the bathroom in public places. Oh well, duty calls. Later, back at home, my husband makes fried shrimp for dinner, and I cut up my tomato and admittedly sprinkle with a little salt and pepper, because I can’t help myself. I eat this tomato like it was a Chicago deep dish pizza. Now we decide to watch TV and there is nothing on, so we decide to watch ‘Around the World in 80 plates’. A cooking show (I am a glutton for punishment). Finally head to bed at 8:15pm, but cannot sleep. The stomach pains kick in and I toss and turn, and for some reason Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville keeps running through my head, “searching for my lost shaker of salt…salt, where’s my Goddamn salt!?!” I think to myself, there is no way I can keep this up, I am quitting. Finally sleep comes at 12:15am.

Day 2-My generous husband let me sleep in and took care of our 1-year-old daughter. I slept until 8:15am and thought, ok, just gotta get through 12 more hours until I can go to bed at 8:15pm again. But wait, I am feeling better, less hungry and the stomach pains are gone. Yay. I think I can really do this. Grapefruit for breakfast and I even go for a short bike ride in the morning and today I am not very hungry.  That was at 10am. It’s now 4pm and I am once again starved and wishing I could go to bed now. I am cooking dinner tonight for my husband and my Mom. I love to cook, so this will give me something to do to kind of get through the evening, and I decided to make them pork chops since I hate ‘em and they love ‘em.  But at this point, I am actually thinking I might devour a pork chop tonight if I could. I am having a tomato and a little bit of cucumber. I know most people don’t see these as fruits, but they are, and I need them. I am sooooo sick of sweet! Head to bed around 8pm again and cannot sleep! Insomnia like I have never had it before. I toss and turn and watch TV and nothing. I decide to watch Pride & Prejudice, as though I love the movie, it moves rather slow and period pieces have a way of putting me to sleep, but no, I watch the entire movie. I finally, finally fall asleep at 4am, only to wake to my 1 year old’s needs at 7am.

Day 3-This is the day I must refer to as zombie day. I can’t really remember much of it, due to no sleep, no food and really nothing to live for. I begin to identify with the guy in Florida who ate the face off that homeless person. I start to do things that make no sense. I take the dog out, then I unhook him from his leash while he is still outside. I back out of the driveway full speed into my garbage cans. Should I even be driving? Is this cleanse really worth turning into this zombie-like state. At least one positive thing, I realize I need to cut any juice and fruit intake no later than 5pm, because I am positive all the sugar is what is causing the sleeplessness. Tonight, bed at 7:30pm and I do manage to fall asleep!! Not all night, but I call it a win.

Day 4-While I am getting ready for my day, I stare in the mirror and wonder how I can single-handedly destroy the entire fruit population on the planet. I quickly remember that fruit=wine, so I abort this plan, and get ready to begin another fruit filled day. OMG, I cannot wait for a glass of wine!! This thought actually gets me through the day, as I begin to tell myself I know on Day 5 I am going to cheat and have a salad of some sort AND a glass of wine. Wine is fruit anyway, I rationalize.  Day 4 really doesn’t count, because all I am thinking about is Day 5. Oh, and why am I so sore? Everything hurts and I am moving really slow. Maybe it’s the lack of protein? I can’t wait to eat again.

Day 5-Can barely get out of bed, and feel like I am 90 years old. Why? This can’t be normal. I text my friend who went through this cleanse, and she assures me yes, she too was sore as hell. Great. Ok, get through the day and then cheat at dinner, that’s my plan! Wait, I have to work, I can’t bear the idea of sitting at my desk. I don’t want to type, talk, email, or communicate with anyone. Ugh. I make it to lunch and I must eat something salty, so I have some peanuts. Peanuts are fruit too. There are a lot of fruits to be discovered when you are truly in desperate need. Then I basically watched the clock until dinner and we had planned on dinner out with my stepkids before my stepson went back to college. I suggest we go to dinner at 4pm…we compromise and go at 5:30pm. I do the right thing and order a salad, a house salad, very boring, but at this point to me, a feast. I also get a glass of wine. I feel I want to celebrate, I made it and I am proud of myself. The wine goes straight to my head and I get a nice little buzz and I am back in a happy place. Food & wine, it is what makes the world go round. Cleanse officially over.

Day 6 to present-I lost 7lbs officially from the cleanse. I have been making much healthier choices since and am now down 9lbs. I don’t know if I would do this cleanse again, only because I got so sick of fruit, it was too much. However, this cleanse must be better than the ones where you don’t eat anything, so maybe I would dare to do it again, but not for a long time.

Tips:

  • Buy the toilet paper with Aloe in it, and a lot of it. Plus wipes!
  • Place magazines in every bathroom in your home, even the one you don’t use because you will!
  • Cut your fruit and juice intake by 5pm to avoid insomnia.
  • Try to get a work out in on your 1st and 2nd day, as by day 3, you will lack the energy to do anything other than walk.
  • Warn your spouse or family member in advance that you will be useless for the week.
  • Add in nuts or tomatoes or anything that will help you get through the week.
  • Try to watch all your TV on DVR for the week, so you can fast forward commercials, the food commercials are killers!
  • Do not overindulge the weekend prior to your cleanse. You will only be making it harder on yourself.
  • Try to stay and think positive, and remember it’s for your full body health!

Here is the information you need if you are interested in trying this cleanse:

A Choice For Life, Inc.
10650 S. Western Ave.
Chicago, IL 60643
(773) 239-7740
http://achoice4life.com/

And if you have tried it please give us your feedback! :) Also a big thank you to my friend for sharing her experience with us! Love you babe!!xx

5 Days of Insanity

6 Apr

One morning in early March as I was getting ready for work, I noticed that I was having a hard time pulling up my skinny jeans.  Hmm…must be because I just washed them, you know, jeans shrink in the dryer!

About a week later I was pulling on another pair of jeans, and I could barely button those suckers up.  Hmmm…must be because I’m getting my period!

****

I got an email from Groupon – it was Groupon “Spring Break” deals.  The very first item on the list was a 5-Day Juice Cleanse from A Choice For Life, a Holistic Wellness Center in Chicago.

I’ve heard mixed reviews on cleanses – some people describe them as a great way to lose 5 – 10 lbs. and others think they are risky and dangerous.

I was feeling desperate though because my pants were getting tighter and tighter, and while I was attempting to eat better and workout I have to admit I wasn’t doing a very good job at it.

The cleanse cost $35 [on Groupon].  I figured it was worth a shot, for $35, why not?  I’ve never done a cleanse before, and I honestly didn’t even know if I had the willpower to go through with it.  I thought it was a good challenge for me as well.  I’ve been eating poorly and drinking too much wine, let’s clean out the tank and start fresh!  You know, some spring cleaning so to speak.

I purchase the cleanse and wait about a week for it to arrive in the mail.  I received the cleanse on St. Patrick’s Day and excitedly ripped the package open.  Inside is a [large] tea bag, a protein pack, and two sheets of paper.

I have the 5 Day Detoxification Program, Fresh Fruit & 100% Juice.

Detoxification is the removal of toxins, acid, mucus and poisons that have invaded your major organs such as the liver, kidneys, spleen, colon, brain, skin, eyes and blood system.

Well holy crap!

Step 1: Twice daily drink 12 oz. of the herbal detox tea in the morning and in the evening.  CHECK.

Step 2: Drink 6 oz. of the protein drink in the morning immediately following the herbal detox tea.  CHECK.

Step 3: All Day, eat fresh fruit and drink 100% fruit juices.  No meat, dairy, bread, pasta.  Eat only fruit.  All you can eat.

Well shit, look at this.  I can eat as much fruit as I want!  I can totes handle this.  No problem!  CHECK.

Step 4: Drink at least 64 oz. of 100% fruit juices on the days shown below.  Also drink 3-4 glasses of water.  CHECK.

Day 1: Sunday

I begin my cleanse on Sunday, March 18th.  I wake up starving at 7:30 am.  I am dying for an iced coffee, like seriously dying.

I drink my tea and protein shake.  By the way, 6 oz. is like nothing.

Not bad, but afterwards I’m still starving which I don’t quite understand because on any given day I don’t usually eat breakfast until about 9 am.  Am I this starving because I know I can’t eat?

Around 10 am I can’t take it anymore.  I need to go to the store and buy fruit and also the fruit juice I need to drink for the next 5 days.

Not to mention I decide I HAVE to get an iced coffee, but I will get it with skim milk and easy sugar.  I mean, that’s better than the way I usually drink it?  And I got a small instead of a large.

This coffee is terrible.  It’s amazing how good coffee tastes with tons of cream and tons of sugar. It’s like dessert.

Day 1 is apple juice.  I love apple juice.  As I’m eating my freshly purchased fruit my stomach is starting to kill me.  Fruit is like really sweet, and I’m gagging trying to eat it all.  I ate strawberries and grapes.  I’d honestly rather starve.  I don’t eat anymore fruit today.

I drink almost the entire 64 oz. (that’s a whole bottle!) of apple juice.  I feel disgusting.

As the day goes on I am very weak.  I am also very bitchy.

We take the Chiquita to the park, and as I’m standing there I feel like I’m going to fall over.  I wasn’t sure if I could even make the walk home.  I’ve seriously never been so hungry in my entire life.

It doesn’t help that it happens to be an 80 degree day in March in Chicago, and my husband wants to go to Dairy Queen.  Gee thanks.

I go to bed and dream about food.

I have 4 more days of this?

Day 2: Monday

At least I have to go to work today so I won’t be sitting at home all day wishing I could eat.  This is probably the first Monday in the history of my life that I’m excited to go to work.

I drink another small iced coffee with skim milk and easy sugar.

My choice for juice today is 100% organic lemonade or to squeeze 6-8 fresh lemons and mix with 64 oz. of water.  Because I don’t like lemonade (unless it’s mixed with vodka) I do the lemon water.  This was actually not bad, and I finished the 64 oz.  Yayy me!

I also pretended that I was a POW, and I was being starved to death by evil Nazi’s.  I can’t fold, I kept telling myself.  I must stay strong!

As weird as it sounds the POW reference keeps me strong and focused.  I do really well today.  3 more days to go, I can do this!

Day 3: Tuesday

I don’t do as well today.

My juice today is a choice of 100% papaya or 100% white grapefruit juice.  I don’t like grapefruits or grapefruit juice so I go to two different stores searching for papaya juice.  Naturally I can’t find it so I have to buy the grapefruit juice.  It’s no fun drinking a juice that you actually hate.  I only drink half the bottle.

I eat watermelon and cantaloupe today, and again I don’t eat nearly enough fruit because it is making my stomach sooo sick.

I have a handful of almonds.

This POMOW (Prisoner of my Own War) is starting to go a little crazy.  I’m soooo hungry.  I can’t even think straight.

I go to bed and dream about food.

Day 4: Wednesday

I’m gonna die.

I can’t do this for two more days.  I just can’t!  I’m starving.  Why am I doing this again?  Why am I practically starving myself?  Is this even normal?

At least today I get to drink 100% cranberry juice, 100% grape juice or 100% pineapple juice.  I opt for the grape juice because I’m a huge fan of grape juice.

I drink almost the entire bottle of grape juice.  I eat some kiwi and some pears.

I text my friend that I can’t do it anymore.  She texts me back BGP (Big Girl Pants from post Ramblings of a Single Mama).

I eat a handful of sunflower kernels and chug a bottle of water.  I sit at my desk and imagine this is what Kate Moss feels like.  I stare at my computer.

Eating is wayyyy overrated.

My bosses have to repeat things to me multiple times today because as they talk to me I stare at them with a blank face.

I text my mom that I’m dying.  She responds: Why are you doing this, Jennifer?

Must.  Eat.  Food.

Day 5: Thursday

I have made it through this cleanse starving myself for the past 4 days.  I feel near death.

My boss says, “You look like a wreck!” (Now there’s a compliment?) “You really don’t look so good today.  I’m starting to get worried.  When is this insanity over with?”

“Today is my last day,” I tell him, as I rub my stomach, which is growling.

Day 5 you have the joy of drinking 64 oz. of prune juice.  I drank half the bottle of prune juice, and I spent about half my day in the bathroom.  Having diarrhea.  In a public bathroom at my work.  It was disgusting and embarrassing.

It was like “ShitBreak” from American Pie.  I was embarrassed to come out of the bathroom stall because the stuff that was coming out of me was some funkyyyyy shit!

O-M-G. That's all I got.

I am the biggest bitch ever today, and I feel like I’m going to fall over at any given second.  I truly have not one ounce of energy.  I wonder what I’m doing to my body.  I kind of even wonder if I will live.

I’m in a lot of pain now.  My head hurts, my stomach hurts, my legs hurt…..sorry, tmi, but my butt hurts, too.

My husband tells me my skin looks yellow and begs me to eat.  I end up eating a small salad because I truly can’t eat any more fruit and I truly can’t stop going #2.

Then Husband tells me how I failed my mission because I ate said salad.  I wanted to kill him.  I sat at the table and yelled at him about how I was starving myself for 5 days for him, damn it, and couldn’t he appreciate it and tell me good job instead of telling me I failed?

He tells me I’m wayyy overreacting and it’s probably because I’m hungry.  I give him a death stare. He shuts the fuck up.

I go to bed and dream about food.

Day 6: Friday

I stop at Dunkin Donuts in the morning for an iced coffee.  Even though I get a large with cream and sugar, I do say easy cream and easy sugar.

I feel proud of myself.  I DID IT! Sort of.  I know I cheated here and there, but in my opinion I succeeded.

I basically didn’t eat for 5 days.
I ended up losing 5 pounds.
Would I say it was worth it?  Yes.
Would I do it again?  No.

I don’t recommend it.  I’m going to make sure I stick to working out and eating right.  My weight will fluctuate, and that’s OK, but instead of going to extreme measures I will remind myself what I went through as a POMOW.  I don’t think I could survive this again.  I don’t think my marriage would survive this again.

For those of you crazy enough to read this and think you STILL would want to try it here is the information you need:

A Choice For Life, Holistic Wellness Center
10650 S. Western Ave.
Chicago, IL 60643
(773) 239-7740
www.AChoice4Life.com

What extreme diets have you done to try to lose weight?

Let’s Talk Bathroom Etiquette…Repepepepepeat

5 Apr

Here is another fan favorite I’d like to share from back in the day. This post tends to get a lot of hits from Google searches for “toilet stalls” and “public bathrooms”.

I’d also like to share that I do now wear a seatbelt – after receiving my 2nd seatbelt violation I decided to just start wearing the damn thing – and I also now use a seat cover on the toilet. Even though it takes an extra second to put down I decided I’d rather take the two minutes then get crabs from a toilet seat. :P

I hope you enjoy it and learn some bathroom etiquette!

Photo courtesy of Yahoo Photos

I know all my bathroom talk is frank – and probably pretty gross – but the fact of the matter is we all go to the bathroom and at some time in our lives we will all be forced to use a public bathroom.  Nothing is more annoying than people lacking proper etiquette in this shared space.

For men, you just walk in, whip it out and do your biz in the urinal…obviously God is a man.  But, for ladies, this is a bit more of a production.

I work in an office building with a shared public bathroom for all employees in the building.  I know some of the ladies from other offices, but others, even though I’ve seen them around I don’t “know” them.  This is because they won’t say hello or even acknowledge my presence in the bathroom.  WTF?  I realize we’re in a bathroom, but when you walk in and I’m washing my hands why can’t you say hello?

This one lady – she makes the effort to look at me every time.  And then she gives me a dirty look!  It pisses me off!  But, I take solace in the fact that not only am I cuter than her, but I’m obviously much nicer as well…

Some other issues I have:

The Tortoise and the Hare – These people drive me INSANE.  These are the people that time their bathroom breaks like they are running a marathon.  They literally marathon pee – they pee in a minute tops.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  What is your hurry?  I guess I pee more like the Tortoise.  I take my time…slow and steady.  These people that come in and pee ridiculously fast actually give me anxiety.  I don’t want to have to pop a Xanax every time I go to the bathroom because you’re in some crazy race with yourself to be the quickest pee-er in my office building.  Congratulations!  You took a piss in 49 seconds flat.  It’s a new Olympic record.

These speedy pee-ers also cause a ripple effect of other etiquette issues.  Let me proceed.

The Sloppy Pee-er – Because you are in such a hurry to pee and exit, you ultimately end up leaving your pee droplets on the toilet seat.  This makes me throw up in my mouth every time I walk into the toilet stall.  I need to do a thorough inspection of the toilet seat before I can even sit down.  I’m amazed at the number of women that can’t seem to handle getting their pee inside the toilet, as opposed to on the seat.  Gross, isn’t that what men do?  Let’s say most of us in this building are 30-40 years old.  We’ve had substantial practice with this; we should be pros by now.

Which brings me to…

The Leave Behind – These people have done one good thing.  They’ve managed to not pee on the toilet seat.  But, that is because they added two seconds to their marathon time by putting down the paper seat cover.  Now I have mixed feelings about the seat cover.  I understand its purpose.  And it does serve a good purpose.  However, it’s just not for me.  It makes me uncomfortable.  Sort of like a seat belt.  It’s there for a good reason – to protect.  But, when I wear my seat belt I just end up feeling uncomfortable, I can’t settle in right, my driving is off.  That’s exactly how I feel when I sit on a paper toilet seat cover.  Then every time I move it crinkles….and then the pee makes a funny sound when it hits the center piece you push through…let’s not even discuss if you have to go #2…

I know, I know!  I should wear my seat belt, and I should use a seat cover.  But, I don’t.  Sue me.

Someone once said to me, “You’re such an anal person it really surprises me that you don’t use the seat cover.”

Yeah, it makes sense.  I am one hell of a Type A organized freak, but I don’t know, maybe I’m not as high maintenance as you all think.  I can drink beer and burp with the boys!

And, let me say, I fully support those of you that choose to use a seat cover.  It is actually more beneficial to me if you use one.  So use away…my beef lies solely with those people that in their race to be the fastest pee-er in the building they end up flushing and running (the Flush ‘n’ Run) so quickly that they either a.) don’t notice that the paper cover didn’t go down or b.) they simply don’t care that it didn’t go down.

So, now, when I go into the stall there sits your protective paper cover.  Now how is it protecting me if I have to touch your paper cover to flush it down the toilet?  Not to mention, sorry, but the thought of putting it in the toilet and then pee-ing on it just grosses me out.  (See above, I’m simply not comfortable with that.)

The Sloppy Seconds – These are the people that think just because they are in a public bathroom they don’t need to keep it tidy.  They splash water all over the sink, countertop and mirror.  They leave toilet paper bunches on the floor.  They put on make-up and spill pressed powder all over the countertop and just leave it.  They leave long strands of hair on the vanity.  They dump out food/drink items in the sink and don’t bother to run the water…which is especially crucial if they dump soup or cereal. There sits the left-over floaties in the sink.  I’ve also seen feminine products ON THE FLOOR, and once, I’m not even joking, a needle?!?  (We called maintenance in case you’re wondering.)  We all know how annoying it can be to clean up after the man in our lives who splashes water every where with no regard for who cleans up after him (one of the Oompa Loompas?)  Not to mention hair shavings, which he leaves, splattered about the sink…but that’s another post.

This is not a port-a-potty; this is an f’ing office bathroom.  Pretend it is your bathroom and keep it clean!  And if you are sloppy, you at least get an A++ for washing your hands.  If you’ve ever been in the stall and heard someone leave and not wash their hands (in my case it’s always one of the Flush ‘n’ Runners) you sit and wonder who in the hell that person was?  How many hands will they be touching the rest of the day?  Could they have forgotten to wash or do they wash at their desk with hand sanitizer – which does NOT cut it.

The Pooper – Obviously at some time in your life you are going to have to go #2 in a public restroom.  It’s inevitable – especially in my situation working in an office building with a shared public bathroom for 9 hours/day.  I have sympathy for the poopers.  But, Poopers, try to have sympathy for those around you.  We understand its life and it needs to be done, but very simply DO A COURTESY FLUSH!

The courtesy flush was a suggested add-in by my friend.  I’m personally not a huge fan of the courtesy flush.  I know where she is coming from, however, doing a courtesy flush on a commercial toilet is just no fun.  These toilets are built to flush down bricks!!! The massive amounts of water racing through the toilet bowl inevitably ends up on your ass.  You are doing a courtesy flush to be considerate to those other bathroom patrons, but at the same time, you end up hurting yourself!  Sorry, I’m selfish.  I would rather you smell my stinky poop than have my feces splashing up on my back side.  That’s just how I feel about it.

The Space Cadet – Almost as annoying as the Tortoise and the Hare is the Space Cadet pee-er.  This special pee-er is truly a joy to be around normally.  They are the happy-go-lucky person that always says “Good morning” and always has a smile on their face.  But, they are also the annoying person who comes into the bathroom singing and/or whistling every day.  My bathroom breaks are my precious personal time during my work day.  As I said above, I like to take my time.  I like to sit and relax.  I do some of my best thinking while on the toilet.  I’ve even been known to pray while on the porcelain throne.  I realize this may sound odd to some people, but the bathroom is normally a place of solace.  It is the one place you can go and be by yourself with your own thoughts – except in public.  So, when the happy-go-lucky pee-er comes into the bathroom singing and whistling as I am deep in my own thoughts I feel disrupted.  I don’t like to be disrupted while I’m doing my business.  This also gives me anxiety.  The bathroom is supposed to be a peaceful place.  Let’s keep it that way.

The Hanger-Outer – Well, I’m definitely the Hanger-Outer.  I like to take my time.  I kind of slither in…I pick my stall…I am in no hurry to do my business.  I like to sit there for a second and relish in my own thoughts.  Now, I have two points with the Hanger-Outer.  One thing that annoys me as the Hanger-Outer is when the Flush ‘n’ Runners come in and go even faster because they think I’m the Pooper.  No.  Just reeeelllaaaaxxx.  I can sit in the bathroom and take a time out.  It doesn’t mean I’m taking a dump!  It’s simply a little “me” time.

But, on the other hand, one of the most annoying pee-ers is the Hanger-Outer.  Luckily I have bathroom etiquette so I don’t break the “rules.”  The issue with the Hanger-Outer is they never leave.  They hang out.  They want to blow their nose, check their make-up, brush their teeth, have phone conversations (No, I don’t do that)…which is all fine and dandy, unless you have the Pooper in a stall waiting to do their biz.  They’re likely to get a little stage fright if you’re in there just hanging around.  In that case, run the water and do your primping as fast as possible.  Then get out so the Pooper can poop in peace!

And lastly…

The Almost in my Stall – The Almost in my Stall pee-er is by far the WORST of all of the above offenders!!!  You know this person.  This is the person that walks into a bathroom and sees 20 empty stalls but still – for some reason unbeknownst to any of us – chooses to enter the stall right next to you.

What the f*ck are you doing?

I will never EVER understand why this pee-er feels the need to pee right next to me?  Or worse yet poop?  Please understand, I like you.  I will say hi to you and talk to you.  But, please respect my privacy.  Please do not sit in the stall next to me.  This offense actually angers me.  When I’m sitting in the stall having my “me” time and someone walks in and comes into the stall next to me, you completely distract my attention and you actually raise my blood pressure.  Do you want to be responsible for my future heart attack?  I start thinking, “What is this person doing?”  “Why must this person sit next to me?”  “What is this person’s problem?”  “Does this person have no bathroom etiquette?”  If you’re going to break a rule, I would not choose this one.  In my research I find that this is everyone’s MOST annoying offense.  Which makes me wonder who is actually committing this faux pas? Hmm…

As with my other posts, I feel the need to be a concerned citizen and to clarify the appropriate bathroom rules.  Please respect them so we can all have a more enjoyable experience when using a public restroom.

And P.S., NONE of these rules apply when you are at a venue – like a Cubs game – in that case, it’s every man and woman for themselves!

Poop Blame

10 Jan

There’s nothing worse than walking into a public bathroom to the smell of poop.  I see there is someone in the stall doing their business.  I go in the stall to do my business.  And then they flush.  And then they wash their hands.  And then they exit the bathroom.

OH SHIT. (Literally)

Now if someone comes in the bathroom they’re going to think I was the one to cause this stink.  That sucks.

WHAT TO DO?

You can do what I do and carry a Victoria’s Secret mini perfume in your pocket.  Then after they exit the bathroom, but before I exit the stall, I spray the bejesus out of it. (No, my office building doesn’t invest in bathroom spray, wtf, this is 2012!) I also have the courtesy to do this if I happen to be the one making the stench.

Funny side note, I did this just the other day.  I was washing my hands and then putting some powder on my nose and a lady who works down the hall from me came into the bathroom.

“Hello,” she said.  Yeah, these bitches are finally saying hello to me.  I’ve killed them all with kindness.

“Hello, how are you?” I responded.

“Good!  By the way, you smell really good!”

I went back to my desk and texted G that I just took a crap in the bathroom and the lady down the hall told me I smell really good thanks to my Victoria’s Secret mini spray.  She texted me later that day saying she wished she had my spray.  See ladies, I do give great advice!  Jleesblog.com, tell your friends.

Orrrrr….

You can do what you learned in kindergarten.  Blame the person next to you.

What is poop blame?:  Blaming your [bad] smell on someone else, mainly your dog or your child, but also a friend if that’s convenient.  Or better yet, your spouse.

I know we’re adults, but this seriously happens.

I was at a bachelorette party recently.  After a glorious dinner at an awful winery (don’t worry, we trashed them on Yelp!) we went to the bar to get cRaZy, you know as crazy as we 30-something moms get nowadays….OH!  Side note, I remember being at the bar, The Lodge, our favorite as 22-year-old college grads, and making fun of the “old” women on the dance floor, all of whom were probably my age now, and saying words like “pathetic” and “loser.”  Wow, that’s actually a really depressing thought….

In other [crucial] advice I’m handing out for free today, to any of my college readers (I know I have at least one,,, she commented on “My Office Crush is Gay,” Yayyy) please PLEASE try to be nice to us old ladies because remember, you too, will be one of us!  And gosh does it go fast….

Anyways, we’re at this bar – a group of us MILFs – and suddenly there is this God awful stench lingering around us.  WTF.  We’re all looking around at each other.  No one wants to admit this odor came out of them.

Sorry boys. Even hot girls fart...

Here comes the Poop Blame.  Yes, you’ve got it.  My adult friend blamed our other adult friend, and what ensued was hilarity.  I just stood on the sidelines watching this transpire wondering if The Real Housewives do this kind of crap off camera.

Oh my gosh, so embarrassingggg, it just slipped out!

I’m not sure what stinks more – being The Poop Blamer, the one who has to really pull this off for fear of not only being the stink-maker, but now also being the *&%*# who tried to blame it on someone else,,, (you better hope you don’t blush) or being the Poop Blamee, the one who is blamed, who vehemently denies it, and now causes everyone to think they are even more guilty because of their denial.

I actually try not to be the Blamer or the Blamee, I mean, I’m not generally walking around ripping ass [in public] because that disgusts me, and despite my potty-mouth I am a lady.  However, after the Mozzaball incident I did accidentally let one slip out at the bar and while I saw people’s noses around me crinkle I just shrugged it off figuring they’d think it was my husband.  LOL

But, do people really blame their scents on their children?  I really hope not, I mean, I don’t want to scar the Chiquita in any way more than she will already be scarred by having a crazy wine guzzling mom.  Let’s give this kid a fighting chance at a life without therapy.

We’ve established people are ripping ass at work, in kindergarten, in bars…what about at home?  My mom once told me that she never passes gas in front of her husband.  WTF, seriously?  Who does this?

We all grow up saying that we don’t want to do things like our parents did, and I am no exception.  I said I could never marry a man that I couldn’t pass gas in front of.  I’m not going to spend “until death do us part” running to the bathroom every single time I have a little gas.  Sorry, honey, my TV show is more important than the air you are trying to breathe….

I know my husband is sooo lucky, right?  I really am quite the catch.  And he sooo loves hates when I say “ripping ass” telling me ‘do you have to talk like that?’  But, what can I say?  That’s what we Italian girls do. 

I really shouldn’t type cast us all…. 

That’s what this Italian girl does.

Tell me, what do you do?  Blame it on your kid or your husband?  Or are you one of those gas-less wonders? 

3, 2, 1…Too Many Mozzaballs

8 Jan

I’ve always been an eater.  I eat like a good Italian girl should.  Pizza, pasta, cheeses, vino, … the list goes on.  Unfortunately, eating [like crap] makes it difficult to keep a decent figure once you’re 30+ even if you work-out.  And a decent figure will satisfy me, I guess, but I read wayyy too many gossip magazines, and I wanna look like Jessica Alba,,,,or my current celeb crush Mila Kunis! 

You don’t get this bod eating carbs! Photo courtesy of http://www.usmagazine.com

What I don’t want to be is a frumpy 30-something mom – which speaking of 30-something, this a total side note – but I discovered this amazeballs blog (oh double side note,,,,um… ‘amazeballs’ apparently is on the list of words to be banished in 2012, wtf, I just started using this word?!?). 

Sorry,,,back to the amazeballs blog.  I randomly discovered this blog Thirty-Something Fashion and LOVE it!  So check it out if you have a chance!  Carly is one hot mom! ;)

So, anyways, normally I try to eat fairly healthy by eating five small meals throughout the day and drinking lots of water, but I do drink my wine and occasionally splurge in moderation.  That said, over the holidays I went a bit overboard. 

For one, the months of October, November and December were soo busy I rarely made it to the gym.  Excuses, excuses, I know.  For two, what with it being the holidays and all I let myself splurge a little more than usual with the ‘ole “new year, new me” saying going through my head every time I picked up a cookie (or 12) to eat.

Coming up on NYE, and Hubs and I are deciding whether to go out for the evening.  We’re kicking around some options and keep going back to hanging out at home with the Chiquita and ordering pizza.  This sounds like a solid NYE to me, honestly, my Juicy Couture jammies, some red wine, good ‘ole Dan’s Pizza and the two most important people in my life.

BUT, after lots of hem and hawing we decide to go out.  We decide on this nearby bar for $50/person all-you-can drink from 7-midnight plus a pizza buffet.  I bought these amazeballs (lol, sorry I had to) sequin pants and couldn’t wait to get done up for a fun night out.

Sequin pants from Forever 21

We get to the bar at 7 on the dot, we’re not going to waste a second of free booze and free pizza, and we find out that the pizza buffet doesn’t start until 10:30 pm.  Thank goodness I ate a banana at 6:30 pm or I would have been starving.  I was already hungry.

I ordered a glass of cabernet; Hubs ordered a vodka.  I knew I had to keep my drinking under control – we didn’t want another “JUST STOP TALKING” moment – so I was sipping rather than chugging.  Not that I chug wine, but believe me, I can toss back a glass to get a buzz on. :)

I was actually pretty hungry and our friends were, too.  They decided to order some apps.  I asked the hubs if he wanted to order.

“No,” he said, “We paid $50/person for a pizza buffet so we’re going to eat pizza!”

LOL, I make us sound sooo cheap!

Our friends order calamari and shrimp and lots of yummy items.  My stomach is growling, and I’m trying to drink my cab.  I’m having one of those nights where the drinks just aren’t flowing for me, but I do have a buzz. 

At 10:30 my girl whispers to me that the pizza buffet is ready upstairs.  We go up to this small room with a few tables which are already occupied by other drunken party goers.  There is a long banquet table full of pizzas – cheese, sausage, pepperoni, and veggie. 

Hubs fills his plate full of pizza and says, “I’m going to take this downstairs and see if the others want any pizza,” as I grab a couple pieces of cheese.

I don’t really want to go downstairs and eat in the middle of the party, I think, as I grab a mozzarella ball at the end of the buffet line.  I dip the mozzarella ball into marinara sauce and pop it in my mouth.  Mmmm, that’s amazeballs, I think. :)

“Well, I’m going to go downstairs,” Hubs says again.

I nod, as I’ve already stuck mozzaball #2 into my mouth.  “OK, go ahead; I’m going to stay up here.”

“What do you mean you’re going to stay here?”  He asks.

I take a bite of mozzaball #3 and say, “Yeah, I’m going to eat up here.  I don’t want to eat in front of everyone.”

At the end of the buffet table is a TV plus a small unoccupied table with no chairs.  The room is full of loud drunks all chowing down on pizza.  I prop my rear against the table, and I’m in the perfect position directly across from the TV and the mozzarella balls.  There is a HUGE tray of them. 

Hubs looks at me with a perplexed look on his face.  “You’re really going to stay up here all by yourself?”

“Uh-huh,” I nod, as I pop #4 into my mouth.

Hubs goes downstairs, and I finally feel free.  I put about 10 on my plate, but for some reason continue to take them directly out of the tray.  Who cares about these other drunks, I think, I’m not even drunk anyways, just slightly buzzed and frickin’ starving.  Booty still perched on the table I pop #5, 6, and 7 into my mouth.

After #s 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 20…I finally go downstairs.  Looking back I wonder if those other party goers were watching the girl in the sequin pants stuffing mozzaballs into her mouth.

I get my 3rd glass of cab and sit by Hubs.  He’s finishing up his pizza and still has two mozzaballs on his plate.  “Are you going to eat those?”

“Didn’t you eat enough?” He asks.

I smile and stuff them in.  It reminded me of the movie Elf when Will Farrell was popping cotton balls and stuffing spaghetti in his mouth.

Nom Nom Nom!

About a half hour later my tummy is not feeling so good.  In fact I can’t even bring myself to get back on the dance floor; I’m literally stuffed, and pretty sure that mozzarella is expanding in my size 2 sequin pants.  In fact, I can’t even get up off my chair or finish my glass of cab.

My friend comes up to me, “You’re being lame!”

“Dude, I just ate 22 mozzarella balls.  I feel sick.”

“What?  You ate how many mozzarella balls?”

“I seriously ate, like, 22 mozzarella balls.  Mozzarella is expanding in my stomach,” I say, as I push out my stomach at her.

She grabs my hand and pulls me through the crowd.  “You just need to take a crap.”

We escape to the bathroom, and I tell her, “No, I don’t have to take a crap, I’m seriously about to birth a mozzarella ball.  I feel f*cking sick!”

I wash my hands and remind her, “G,,,I ate like 22 mozzarella balls!  Seriously.” (Now, there’s another word that needs to be banned.)

The girl at the sink next to me looks over and says, “Ohmigosh, those mozzarella balls were amazing!” (Another word for banishment.)

I go, “I know.  I just ate like 22.”

“Don’t worry, I ate like 15,” She says and walks out.

I look at G.  “I’m not joking, I seriously ate like 22.”

G telling me to liven up in the bathroom

We go back out to the party, and I look at the clock.  It’s 11:30 pm.  I seriously wonder if I’m going to make it to midnight I feel that sick.

G is talking to some other peeps, and I look at Hubs and say, “I honestly don’t know if I can make it to midnight.  I seriously feel so sick.  I ate 22 mozzarella balls, you know.”

“I know,” he says, “You’ve told me.  100 times.  Let’s just make it to midnight and then we’ll go.”

“OK,” I say, rubbing my tummy.  “But, at 12:01 am we’re out the door.  I’m about to birth a mozzarella ball.”

I barely managed to choke down my 3rd glass of cab and am desperately waiting for midnight to arrive.  At 5 to midnight they are passing out glasses of champagne.  I take a glass thinking I’m magically going to feel better when the clock strikes 12.

We count down 10, 9, 8…this literally feels like forever.  Finally 3, 2,… “Happy New Year!”

Hubs and I kiss.  Everyone around us is shouting, kissing and toasting.  Balloons are falling.  Noise makers are ringing.  I have no idea where our friends are.  I look at Hubs and say, “Grab your coat, let’s go!”

We make our escape through the door at 12:02 am.  By 12:10 am we are at home.  I’m sitting in my living room knowing that something inside me is not right.

Hubs goes out to smoke a cigar.  “I’ll be back, baby,” he says as he pats my head.

And then it happens.  12:15 am.  I jump up.  I run to the bathroom, sequin pants still on.  And I vomit.  Yes, I vomit up 3 glasses of cabernet and 22 mozzarella balls.

Happy New Year! Don’t you wish you were my friend?!? 

Why I Hate People…

11 Jan

 

Sunday. I’m all excited. I head to Caribou to edit my book, Concrete Boots. I’ve had a dream of doing this. Of Caribou someday being “my office.” I wake up in the morning and instead of going to work I go to Caribou. And I write. For a living.

So even though this is still a dream at this point, and Caribou is not my office, and it is rather Sunday and not Monday, I head to Caribou.

I have my pink Dell laptop, my manuscript, a red pen, and myself; donned in black yoga pants and a grey and white striped V-neck sweater from Express. My hair is pulled back in a ponytail, and my make-up is done lightly – appropriately – for a weekend at eight in the morning.

I kiss my husband and my baby good-bye, and I head off …. To write…to edit…to be. Ahhhh this is heaven, I think. I feel very Carrie Bradshaw.

Image courtesy of HBO & http://www.geekculture.com

I arrive at Caribou and it’s empty, besides two others, and I order a large non-fat mocha. I select my seat and start to take out my writing items. I’m smiling. I’m happy.

Sipping my non-fat mocha I start to read over manuscript notes from my two awesome cousins, Tami and Lucy, as well as my own notes, to put it all together to finally perfect this masterpiece.

I’m on a roll…chapter one down…and into chapter two and making some progress.

And now it’s 10 o’clock. And busy. And loud. And so not peaceful. I’m distracted.

I’m looking around. Where am I sitting? I’m in the bum corner. I’m sitting amongst the bums. They are scruffy and dirty with backpacks. And they stink. And they are loud. How did I not notice this?

Well, I did notice the bum family come inside because they were screaming at each other. A man, a woman and a son, maybe like 20 or 30, who had to have been on something. He looked wasted. The man sits down at a table near me and loudly insists he MUST sit by himself. I’m pretty sure he was looking at porn on his laptop. Yes, I forgot to mention, this bum had a laptop! Crazy world we live in! Maybe he’s a classy bum?

So, the woman (his wife?) sits with me. I was sitting at a large table, just taking up one side, because it was near the outlet. She didn’t bother me much; she just drank her coffee and did her own thing. Every time she’d try to go over by the man he would start screaming at her, and I would look up.

“Get away from me, woman! What are you doing over here?” He yelled. This is why I was pretty sure he was looking at porn. The son, sitting there but not looking at the computer, would laugh with his cashed eyes.

Wtf is with these people? I thought. I felt bad for the lady. I wanted to tell the laptop bum to shut the fuck up and leave her alone. But I tried to mind my own business.

So, I keep getting distracted by said bums, as well as other bums, who must have Caribou in Downers Grove on their list of hang outs on chilly Sunday mornings.

Now, I’m not a snob, well, maybe I am, but I’m sorry, I don’t want to sit and edit my book amongst a bunch of bums – or people really – and here’s why.

I’m sitting at the large table editing, and suddenly I have to poop. SHIT! – quite literally – lol – What am I going to do? I think.

Obviously I would take my Juicy Couture bag into the bathroom, but what do I do with my pink laptop? What do I do with my manuscript? Do I pack everything up and take it in the bathroom with me? Surely someone will take my spot! Oh the dilemma.

Can I possibly ask someone to watch my belongings? I look around. At the bums. They would sell my lap top for a forty of Miller Lite I’m sure. FUCK, I think, I REALLY HAVE TO GO POOP.

Like I can’t even concentrate at this point.

I text my hubby who says, “Don’t you dare leave your stuff.”

Deep breath. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I want to keep working for another hour so I guess I’m going to have to hold it. This sucks. What happened to the days of good and normal people??? People you could trust? Can you trust no one anymore?

Frustrated (and with a tummy ache) I get back to editing. And then another bum comes in.

And you know what – tangent here – don’t anyone comment to me telling me how bums are people, too, and the poor bums, or how the bums need some place to go….I know all this. I empathize with the bums, as I’m just a pink slip away from being a bum. But, if I were a bum, I wouldn’t spend my Sunday sitting at Caribou looking at porn on a laptop while I yell at my (possible) wife! But, that’s just me, what do I know? Further, I would be a classy bum. I’d be the only bum I know carrying a Juicy Couture bag! Hmm…maybe I would sit at Caribou and look at porn? What else is there to do?

But, back to my story. So, this other bum comes in. Caribou is now packed. I’m sure there are non-bums all over, but I like I said, for some reason I sat in the bum section. She stops in front of me and says, “Is someone sitting there?”

Against my better judgment, I say, “Nope, you can sit down.”

Where does she sit? I’m not even joking, right on top of me. She’s literally breathing in my face. Crazy bum lady is wearing orange sweatpants with stains and a blue sweatshirt. She has a black stocking hat on her head. She pulls her hat off and her hair sticks straight up at the ceiling.

Don’t judge others, I think. But, it’s her breathing on me that really bugs me, not how she looks like a crazed maniac.

Then she starts coughing. Repeatedly. ON ME.

Then she starts reading. OUT LOUD.

What the fuck is with this woman? I think. I really want to beat her ass, and I’m quite sure I can take her. Who does this? Seriously. Who. Does. This? I almost feel like she’s doing this on purpose. She’s trying to drive me away! No way is she driving me out of there! Fuck that crazy bum lady.

But, seriously. Who sits down at a local coffee shop, on top of someone else, breathes all over them, coughs all over them and completely disturbs them by reading their newspaper out loud? She didn’t even order a coffee! You don’t even want to know what happened next.

THE BUM WIFE GOT UP AND WENT TO SIT WITH THE CLASSY LAPTOP BUM HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m not even joking. My only bum friend left me – alone – with crazy bum lady with her hair sticking up at the ceiling and coughing all over my pink laptop, and even worse, ME.

The bum husband yells at his wife again. “Woman! Get out of here!” (See, he had to be looking at porn, right?)

She yells – seriously yells – “I had to move. That lady over there is coughing all over me.” She points at crazy bum lady.

Crazy bum lady laughs.

The crazy bum lady looks at me. “I like your sweater,” she says.

Am I like on TV? Am I being punked? I wonder.

A minute later she says to me, “I like your ring.”

What is this? Why am I being harassed at Caribou on Sunday morning while I’m trying to live out my Carrie Bradshaw dream? Why God, why?

I finally resign to the fact that I’m being driven out of Caribou by this crazed maniac bum. But, whatever, bums or not bums, they’re people. And damn are people fucking annoying.

 

 

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 685 other followers