Tag Archives: Skinny jeans

Jlee’s Review – The Banana Diet

22 Feb

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I would say about once a year I decide to tighten my belt. Or um loosen in this case because my True Religion jeans don’t fit. Same thing happened last year – remember 5 Days of Insanity?

I think it has something to do with winter and needing a little extra padding. I tend to hibernate in the winter – after all I just admitted to watching 5 hours in a row of Bethenny Ever After – and during the holidays I always loosen up a little bit. Instead of one cookie I eat 10. And now here we are…approaching spring…and the other day I button my True Religion jeans (that barely even made it over my ass) and I’ve got this role hanging over my pants.

I looked in the mirror completely disgusted. “What is this?” I asked my husband.

“What?”

“This!?!” I say while squeezing the roll. “You don’t SEE this?!?”

“I think you look pretty damn good,” he says, giving me the eye.

While I do appreciate that, deep down no matter what your size you know what is acceptable for you. And barely zipping my True Religion jeans is not acceptable for me.

I’m thinking this is going to turn into a yearly thing….approaching spring feels like a good time to hit the reset button. Start fresh. Regroup. Time to remind myself that moderation is key and blah blah blah.

So I Googled ‘Japanese diet’. I seriously did. I mean the Japanese are skinny right?

I even Googled ‘fat Japanese person’ just as a reference for this post and look what I stumbled upon…Fat in Japan? You’re Breaking the Law, though I don’t know if this law is still in effect?

Deciding the Japanese diet probably wasn’t for me I decided on the Banana diet.

Photo courtesy of truththeory.com

Photo courtesy of truththeory.com

Here it is:

For 3-4 days you eat 3-5 bananas/day combining them with 3-4 cups of low-fat milk. If you’re not a big milk drinker you can drink almond milk.

Quick side note: I’m obsessed with almond milk. I started drinking it about six months ago. I don’t drink a ton of milk, and this milk never goes bad. It lasts forever. If I buy a ½ gallon of almond milk at about $4 it will last me for two weeks. Plus it has fewer calories. Win-win!

You can also eat your banana with plain yogurt. You can eat the banana and the yogurt separately or you can blend one banana with one cup of milk and/or yogurt to make a smoothie.

According to the website this 3-4 day banana diet will help you lose 6 pounds. Not only do I have about 5 pounds to lose but I also have to get my appetite down – it’s like I’ve been starving all day every day for the past 2-3 weeks! – and clean out the processed foods. Way too much pizza and take-out lately.

They also have a 7 day diet menu featured on their website.

I opted to do the 3 day diet, but I did it for 4 days.

Here is my experience:

silkDay 1: Day 1 was an absolute breeze. While I can’t completely skip coffee I did decide to detox from Dunkin Donuts iced coffee for four days while on this “cleanse”. I did make a small coffee in the AM but instead of cream I added almond milk and 1 tsp of sugar – which for me is intense. My coffee is like dessert…cream, sugar, the whole nine yards.

I ate four bananas throughout my work day. I started at 8:30 AM and timed my eating out until 4:30 pm to eat 1 banana and drink 1 cup of milk every 2-3 hours. I was feeling pretty good!

When I got home I made a banana smoothie. I blended my 5th banana, 1 more cup of milk, plain Greek yogurt and a handful of ice. It was pretty delicious!

Throughout the day I sipped on water and Green tea.

Yes, I was hungry, but as I said above I’ve been hungry regardless of what I’ve eaten for the past 2-3 weeks. So before even when I was actually eating I was still starving. I went to bed feeling content and good about myself, whereas the last week of binging has left me going to bed feeling very blah.

Day 2: Day 2 I woke up feeling hungry. Not a good start. I sort of had the shakes too. I made my coffee at home with almond milk and skipped the sugar. I walked in the office at 7:59 and ate a banana.

I’m not going to lie. Day 2 was a struggle. Day 2 I thought about breaking down and getting Dunkin Donuts iced coffee and knew that would get me through. And then I reminded myself that is what heroin addicts say.

In an effort now to just prove a point to myself that I can go four days without DD I decided to stay firm. I mean, for the love of God, there are Americans overseas fighting a war, and I’m having a breakdown in my office about not having Dunkin Donuts iced coffee? Good grief.

At noon I broke down and ate a hard-boiled egg. In the 7 day version you are allowed to eat hard-boiled eggs. I figured it was better than breaking down completely and getting a Big Mac. I also chugged 1 cup of milk in 4 seconds flat. I set down the cup and wished it was a glass of red wine, but oh well. On Friday I plan on getting hammered. On iced coffee and wine.

For dinner I ate my banana smoothie plus I indulged in a bowl of lettuce. Not salad. Lettuce. Just lettuce. In a bowl. It’s actually not very good.

I was really aggravated and crabby all evening. My husband yelled at me to not take my hunger out on him. I yelled at him to not talk to me because he is annoying. I went to bed at 8:30 PM relieved to end the day.

Day 3: I woke up feeling not as hungry and in better spirits. I put on a pair of jeans – tight! Ugh! – and decided this is a good thing seeing as though my jeans are still tight.

I made coffee at home and managed to hold off on my banana and glass of almond milk until 8:30 AM.  At noon I ate a hard-boiled egg.

I think it’s weird that I don’t feel that bad….I felt pretty energetic and happy. I just wished I could go get Dunkin Donuts. What does this say about me? I find it slightly alarming, but my husband says it’s the hunger talking. I’m not hungry, per se, but I’m really sick of eating the same thing.

I keep reminding myself that I only have one more day to go. I will take pride in successfully taking off 4 days of DD to get myself in ‘check’…Four days of remembering what it feels like to view food as gas for your body as opposed to the luxury of eating…

I definitely felt the best on Day 3. I even made it to the YMCA and signed up for a bootcamp class. I did totally suck in bootcamp. I think of myself as a somewhat in shape person so I’m not sure if I’m just not as in shape as I thought or if it was the fact that I am consuming fewer calories than usual. Either way, I did complete bootcamp and felt pretty damn good about myself!

When we got home I sat with the Chiquita to watch the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. She ate her goldfish, and I snacked (1/3 cup) on nut and berry mix from Trader Joe’s. It was quite tasty.

I slept like a rock.

Day 4: I woke up feeling like it should be Friday. It should be my Dunkin Donuts day. Ugh. I seriously have another day of this?

I don’t feel that hungry, but I’m just so over this…

I remembered I have an event tonight. I will have to attend without eating or drinking. I will stay strong and do it because I’ve come this far; I’m not bailing now.

I sipped Green tea after my first milk and banana combo. For lunch I had a hard-boiled egg again. The hard-boiled egg has been a nice addition to this diet. I did also snack on my Trader Joe’s nut and berry mix. I told you, I’m losing steam, but I am staying strong.

TunacharlieMy uncle told me that he has heard of a modified version of the banana diet from a friend who is a nutritionist/body builder. He said that when his friend is in competition mode his diet changes to a banana/tuna diet. I think this actually doesn’t sound that bad but remember I make my tuna with mayo, mustard, celery…I don’t think I could even eat plain tuna without gagging. It doesn’t help that I have a fish phobia. But, something to think about if you like tuna.

Reminds me of the dude I worked with in high school who ate plain tuna in the can every single day. We called him Tuna Ass Breath Man. To this day I still call him Tuna. LOL

I continue to repeat in my head: Just get through today to have Dunkin Donuts tomorrow. What kind of sick obsession is this? It’s worse than my obsession with Juicy Couture. Or Giuliana Rancic.

Day 5: I made it. I know you’re wondering if I ate or drank at last night’s event, and I’m happy to report that I didn’t. :) Shame on you for doubting me! I did, however, attend with an 8 oz. coffee. I figured if I had the coffee taste in my mouth I’d be less likely to falter. My coffee was made with almond milk and 1 tsp. of sugar. I stuck through to the end.

This morning I pulled in the Dunkin Donuts drive thru excited to get my iced coffee. I’d been debating on my ride over if I should get it with skim milk or cream. I opted for skim milk. It’s not the same, but wasn’t bad and if felt great to take the first sip.

DD

When I got to work I even had a banana.

I feel great. :)

Some common questions:

1. Aren’t you constipated?
Nope! My poops have been plentiful!

2. Are you really eating only bananas?
I am really eating everything I described above.

3. Aren’t you getting sick of bananas?
Fuck yeah.

4. How do you feel on the banana diet versus the juice cleanse?
I feel a lot better on the banana diet then I felt on the juice cleanse. On the juice cleanse I was very sore. I felt sick and lethargic. I had the shakes and diarrhea. I had headaches. I was a mess. On the banana diet I feel pretty good honestly! I really just can’t get over how much I miss Dunkin Donuts iced coffee. I’m convinced they put drugs in it because I am drinking one small coffee (8 oz.) per day with almond milk and lite or no sugar so it’s not like I’m not drinking any coffee at all.

5. Would you do it again?
Absolutely! It gave me a great sense of accomplishment in addition to the reset my body needed. It’s also cheap and easy to do – just buy some milk and bananas.

6. Did you lose any weight?
I’m honestly not sure. I don’t weigh myself. I have to try on my True Religion jeans this weekend. What I can tell you is that I feel great. I feel not only a sense of accomplishment but my body feels great! My stomach looks smaller, my pants fit better today and maybe I’m just in love with myself today but I honestly feel like I even look better! I highly recommend this diet!

Please use the comments section below to tell us of any outrageous diets you’ve tried!

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Have a Boorific Halloween!

31 Oct

The Chiquita and I would like to wish you a safe and happy Halloween!

Heading out to trick-or-treat in our town on Sunday afternoon. More trick-or-treating to follow!

Gearing up for A-Towns Sluttiest All Hallow’s Eve Party!

Tattoos…fun since I don’t have any!

Hubs as “Dog” the Bounty Hunter and I had a great evening! Do you like the blonde wig? I do!

Full body shot….loved my Harley boots and vest, both on loan. Loved our costumes this year!

What did you dress up as?

hApPy HaLlOwEEn!

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Hello does my butt look good in these jeans?

24 Oct

A friend recently shared a blog with me. She thought as a writer I would appreciate the writing style and humor. Or wait. Maybe she thinks I wear Mom Jeans.

O.M.G.

No, it can’t be number two because I don’t buy my jeans at Old Navy.

Thank the Lord.

Go read this article so that you can be sure you’re not wearing Mom Jeans. It’s a cardinal sin. I mean, do you want to end up single because your husband thinks you have two asses? I don’t either. So read on.

Mom Jeans and The Dreaded “Long Butt”

—

I like to sell and shop at this resale shop by my work – Clothes Attic’d for you locals – and I spied a pair of True Religion jeans last week.

The jeans were my size but cost $55.

I desperately need want a pair of new jeans, and I’d been thinking about heading to Express to make my purchase. No, not because of the article I shared with you, so no, I do not wear Mom Jeans because I’ve been buying Express jeans all along!

That said, while they aren’t the most expensive jeans out there I’m still buying diapers (damn kid does NOT want to go on the potty) so jeans for Mom aren’t really something on the list….

I thought: I don’t feel like trying these on…I don’t feel like paying $55 for used jeans…nah.

Then I had a dream about them.

Side note: If I see something while I’m shopping and I think I like it but I’m not sure if I do I hold out. Then I see if I have a dream about said item. If I DO dream about it then it means I must go back and get it. If I don’t dream about it then I don’t really want it. True story. It works!

I’ve obviously heard of the brand True Religion but I had no clue what the jeans retailed for. I did a quick Google search. Holy cow! $250. Well, $55 is quite a steal then.

On my lunch break I head over to Clothes Attic’d and figure if the jeans are still on the rack it’s a sign from God.

Jeans are there. Yippee!

I go to the fitting room to try them on.

They look good in the front…flared…I love the flare trend by the way and am so glad its back in style.

I turn around to check out my derierre in the mirror.

2 minutes inside Jlee’s head: How do the pockets look? Are they the right size? I think my butt looks good? Does my butt look good? Can I make returns here? I like these now, but what if I get home and decide my butt doesn’t look good? What if they’re [insert the horror music] Mom Jeans! Oh my gosh, what do I do? What did the article say again? Oh my gosh, I can’t remember. Should I look it up on my phone?

I decide to take a picture. Of my ass. In the mirror.

I take out my phone. OK, I’ll send this to my friends and say “How’s my ass?”

I mean, this is important! They’ll understand. They’ll drop everything and respond.

I discover it’s really hard to take a picture of your backside in the mirror. After this awful attempt I decided this wasn’t going to work.

Nice pic, right?

Now what?

I could walk out of the fitting room…yeah…I could walk up to the checkout and ask the ladies.

“Um…hi…can you tell me how my ass looks? See, I’m really concerned that these may be Mom Jeans. I’m actually having a panic attack in the fitting room. I popped a Xanax and decided to come out here and ask you. So, here, I’ll turn around. Um…so how does my ass look?”

*Crickets*

But, I did actually do this, only I didn’t pop a Xanax. I didn’t come out wearing the jeans. And I didn’t ask them how my ass looked. So I guess I really didn’t actually do as mentioned above, but when I went to the checkout I did start babbling incessantly about Mom Jeans and can I return these jeans if they are in fact Mom Jeans and how I read this article about Mom Jeans … I was going on and on. I needed a Xanax.

I came back to work and tweeted the article to the Owner, who did say I have seven days to return said jeans, but also told me that True Religion is a great brand and basically cannot be Mom Jeans. Like it’s an oxymoron. Still feeling a bit unsure I made the purchase and said I would go home and check out my ass in the comfort of my own home.

And you know I would also ask all my friends, my husband, my mom….Mom Jeans are not something to mess around with.

Well asking my husband is useless because he likes my ass in anything, or preferably in nothing, and he was more than excited to be my photographer. I told my girlfriends I feel like the True Religion jeans pockets are too long. What do you think?

These are the exact texts:

I feel like the pockets are too long

Pix are not turning out but here’s my ass in Express. Way better right?

Express

True Religion

My friends received four pictures of my ass. They lucked out because my husband insisted on taking about 20, then asked to take some with the jeans off which I scoffed at saying, “We’re not doing a photo shoot, we’re doing research. Blog research. This is important!”

He just doesn’t get it.

I then proceeded to check out chicks asses all weekend long. In line at Dunkin Donuts, at the grocery store, at the gas station…my husband was even checking out asses and giving feedback. He even asked a chick where she got her jeans from. Yeah, it was embarrassing.

I still haven’t made a final decision and time is running out.

Awesome friend’s response: “I like the True Religion a lot!!!! Ur ass looks great girl, i swear!!”

What do you think?

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5 Days of Insanity: Part II

24 Aug

Today’s post comes to us from one of my good friends. Even though she read my review 5 Days of Insanity she was still crazy enough to give the cleanse a shot. :) She was kind of enough to share her experience with us.

In case you don’t recall my own experience with 5 Days of Insanity…in March I did a 5 day juice cleanse courtesy of A Choice 4 Life. I will provide the information at the bottom of this email in the chance you would like to try it out. Please enjoy my friend’s take below…she is very witty and you will be rooting for her to make it through to the end!

I decided to start my cleanse on a Monday, because I felt like I could enjoy the weekend, and then hit the grind at the beginning of the week. I admit I overindulged the weekend prior, knowing I was doing this cleanse and feeling like I was going to prison, I ate everything I could think of, and drank a bunch of wine too. Why not, I am hitting the reset button! Maybe not the best idea…maybe not even a good idea.

Day 1-I wake up starving, due, I suspect, to my overeating/drinking on the weekend. Also, I already have to go to the bathroom and I haven’t even started the cleanse yet. Ok, focus, get the mixes going, drink up and eat some of the fruit I got at Whole Foods the day before. And wait, I have to drink all 64 oz of this juice? Per day? I must have read that wrong! They give you choices of juice and you can either do 1 juice per day, or mix/match so I decided to mix it up. Ok, I grab my Cranberry juice and head to work, which is just upstairs since I am lucky enough to work from home (but am I lucky? I feel like the fridge and pantry are calling my name, taunting me). Meanwhile, I am working and starving. I complain to friends. They give me support and tell me I can do it. It’s the FIRST day. Decide to take a lunch break, and head to Trader Joe’s to try to find more variety, what else can I eat? I need to find something. I get a few more fruits, and decide to add in some low salt cashews because my body is craving salt like there is no tomorrow, and cashews are a fruit, yippee. I also grab some tomatoes, because well, they are the forgotten fruit. Wait, uh oh, I have to go to the bathroom at TJ’s…nice. This coming from a girl who has a fear of going to the bathroom in public places. Oh well, duty calls. Later, back at home, my husband makes fried shrimp for dinner, and I cut up my tomato and admittedly sprinkle with a little salt and pepper, because I can’t help myself. I eat this tomato like it was a Chicago deep dish pizza. Now we decide to watch TV and there is nothing on, so we decide to watch ‘Around the World in 80 plates’. A cooking show (I am a glutton for punishment). Finally head to bed at 8:15pm, but cannot sleep. The stomach pains kick in and I toss and turn, and for some reason Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville keeps running through my head, “searching for my lost shaker of salt…salt, where’s my Goddamn salt!?!” I think to myself, there is no way I can keep this up, I am quitting. Finally sleep comes at 12:15am.

Day 2-My generous husband let me sleep in and took care of our 1-year-old daughter. I slept until 8:15am and thought, ok, just gotta get through 12 more hours until I can go to bed at 8:15pm again. But wait, I am feeling better, less hungry and the stomach pains are gone. Yay. I think I can really do this. Grapefruit for breakfast and I even go for a short bike ride in the morning and today I am not very hungry.  That was at 10am. It’s now 4pm and I am once again starved and wishing I could go to bed now. I am cooking dinner tonight for my husband and my Mom. I love to cook, so this will give me something to do to kind of get through the evening, and I decided to make them pork chops since I hate ‘em and they love ‘em.  But at this point, I am actually thinking I might devour a pork chop tonight if I could. I am having a tomato and a little bit of cucumber. I know most people don’t see these as fruits, but they are, and I need them. I am sooooo sick of sweet! Head to bed around 8pm again and cannot sleep! Insomnia like I have never had it before. I toss and turn and watch TV and nothing. I decide to watch Pride & Prejudice, as though I love the movie, it moves rather slow and period pieces have a way of putting me to sleep, but no, I watch the entire movie. I finally, finally fall asleep at 4am, only to wake to my 1 year old’s needs at 7am.

Day 3-This is the day I must refer to as zombie day. I can’t really remember much of it, due to no sleep, no food and really nothing to live for. I begin to identify with the guy in Florida who ate the face off that homeless person. I start to do things that make no sense. I take the dog out, then I unhook him from his leash while he is still outside. I back out of the driveway full speed into my garbage cans. Should I even be driving? Is this cleanse really worth turning into this zombie-like state. At least one positive thing, I realize I need to cut any juice and fruit intake no later than 5pm, because I am positive all the sugar is what is causing the sleeplessness. Tonight, bed at 7:30pm and I do manage to fall asleep!! Not all night, but I call it a win.

Day 4-While I am getting ready for my day, I stare in the mirror and wonder how I can single-handedly destroy the entire fruit population on the planet. I quickly remember that fruit=wine, so I abort this plan, and get ready to begin another fruit filled day. OMG, I cannot wait for a glass of wine!! This thought actually gets me through the day, as I begin to tell myself I know on Day 5 I am going to cheat and have a salad of some sort AND a glass of wine. Wine is fruit anyway, I rationalize.  Day 4 really doesn’t count, because all I am thinking about is Day 5. Oh, and why am I so sore? Everything hurts and I am moving really slow. Maybe it’s the lack of protein? I can’t wait to eat again.

Day 5-Can barely get out of bed, and feel like I am 90 years old. Why? This can’t be normal. I text my friend who went through this cleanse, and she assures me yes, she too was sore as hell. Great. Ok, get through the day and then cheat at dinner, that’s my plan! Wait, I have to work, I can’t bear the idea of sitting at my desk. I don’t want to type, talk, email, or communicate with anyone. Ugh. I make it to lunch and I must eat something salty, so I have some peanuts. Peanuts are fruit too. There are a lot of fruits to be discovered when you are truly in desperate need. Then I basically watched the clock until dinner and we had planned on dinner out with my stepkids before my stepson went back to college. I suggest we go to dinner at 4pm…we compromise and go at 5:30pm. I do the right thing and order a salad, a house salad, very boring, but at this point to me, a feast. I also get a glass of wine. I feel I want to celebrate, I made it and I am proud of myself. The wine goes straight to my head and I get a nice little buzz and I am back in a happy place. Food & wine, it is what makes the world go round. Cleanse officially over.

Day 6 to present-I lost 7lbs officially from the cleanse. I have been making much healthier choices since and am now down 9lbs. I don’t know if I would do this cleanse again, only because I got so sick of fruit, it was too much. However, this cleanse must be better than the ones where you don’t eat anything, so maybe I would dare to do it again, but not for a long time.

Tips:

  • Buy the toilet paper with Aloe in it, and a lot of it. Plus wipes!
  • Place magazines in every bathroom in your home, even the one you don’t use because you will!
  • Cut your fruit and juice intake by 5pm to avoid insomnia.
  • Try to get a work out in on your 1st and 2nd day, as by day 3, you will lack the energy to do anything other than walk.
  • Warn your spouse or family member in advance that you will be useless for the week.
  • Add in nuts or tomatoes or anything that will help you get through the week.
  • Try to watch all your TV on DVR for the week, so you can fast forward commercials, the food commercials are killers!
  • Do not overindulge the weekend prior to your cleanse. You will only be making it harder on yourself.
  • Try to stay and think positive, and remember it’s for your full body health!

Here is the information you need if you are interested in trying this cleanse:

A Choice For Life, Inc.
10650 S. Western Ave.
Chicago, IL 60643
(773) 239-7740
http://achoice4life.com/

And if you have tried it please give us your feedback! :) Also a big thank you to my friend for sharing her experience with us! Love you babe!!xx

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Lighten Up: Day 3

14 Aug

Today I draw this slip ~ Leave a $1.00 on someone’s car/desk (with a note unsigned)

My first thought is: Oh this is an easy one! Good. It’s one I can “get it over with” quickly and painlessly.

My second thought is: What if someone sees me putting this on their car and yells at me to get away from their car?

My third thought is: Maybe this isn’t as easy as I thought it was.

My fourth thought: Omg, you are totally overthinking this.

I get my supplies together. I know what I’m going to do so let’s just start there.

Here is my finished master piece.

I think it looks pretty cool, and I hope someone sees it and is excited to open it, but I’m only imagining myself seeing this on my car and not opening it thinking it’s anthrax.

Now that my project is complete and I sit here typing this post I still can’t decide who to give it to.

Ugh! Why is this so hard?

I would just stick the envelope on some random car in the parking lot across the street from my office building, but it’s actually a rainy day in Chicago.

I decide to go on a walk-a-bout down to the mailbox to brainstorm this a bit. I pass Skinny Jeans’ office and see the office is closed today. Here we go! I can stick the note under the door and they will find it tomorrow morning. What a great plan!

Side note: If you’re wondering about Skinny Jeans, you’re not the only one. I think he may have been working a freelance job because I haven’t seen him for about six months, but I have seen his friend who was in the photo with him. It’s too bad for all of us, I know.

So anyways, I walked back to Skinny Jeans’ office with the envelope in hand. And yes, the lights were still out. Thank goodness. As I walked down the hall I started to think: What if they’re in now? Then what do I do? [Like I can’t just keep walking by.]

I stand outside the door. OK, this is it. I peak inside the dark and peaceful office. I bend down and start to slide the envelope under the door.

Omg.

I suddenly had a brief Office Space moment. That moment when Peter pushes the letter describing his theft from the company under Lumbergh’s office door and then he’s sort of like, shoot, I want the letter back now. I don’t know why, but I sort of did the same thing. As the letter slid off my fingertips I was like: Wait! I want it back!

I tried to slip my fingers under the door in a desperate attempt to get it back. I’m not sure why…I think I was being a perfectionist and I didn’t like the way I slipped the letter under the door…the envelope turned sideways and was therefore vertical. I wanted the envelope facing horizontal so that when the first person walks in the door the ‘Please Open Me’ is facing them.

My take on today’s “Lighten Up” experience: I’m weird and I have serious perfectionist issues. The whole point of the exercise is to get ‘you’ in this case, me, to lighten up, and meanwhile I’m completely stressing myself out. Wow, I have issues. I give myself an F today.

Update: Today I saw one of the workers from Skinny Jeans’ office walking down the hall. He didn’t look all that happy either. I sat at my desk and thought, dude, what is your problem? At least yesterday I was feeling a little blue due to the weather, but today is a beautiful day in Chicago and you got a cute note and a dollar under your door. Can’t you at least smile when you walk down the hall? What is wrong with these people.

Then I remembered that I’m only supposed to be concerned about MY reaction, no one elses. Ugh. And I get another F.

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5 Days of Insanity

6 Apr

One morning in early March as I was getting ready for work, I noticed that I was having a hard time pulling up my skinny jeans.  Hmm…must be because I just washed them, you know, jeans shrink in the dryer!

About a week later I was pulling on another pair of jeans, and I could barely button those suckers up.  Hmmm…must be because I’m getting my period!

****

I got an email from Groupon – it was Groupon “Spring Break” deals.  The very first item on the list was a 5-Day Juice Cleanse from A Choice For Life, a Holistic Wellness Center in Chicago.

I’ve heard mixed reviews on cleanses – some people describe them as a great way to lose 5 – 10 lbs. and others think they are risky and dangerous.

I was feeling desperate though because my pants were getting tighter and tighter, and while I was attempting to eat better and workout I have to admit I wasn’t doing a very good job at it.

The cleanse cost $35 [on Groupon].  I figured it was worth a shot, for $35, why not?  I’ve never done a cleanse before, and I honestly didn’t even know if I had the willpower to go through with it.  I thought it was a good challenge for me as well.  I’ve been eating poorly and drinking too much wine, let’s clean out the tank and start fresh!  You know, some spring cleaning so to speak.

I purchase the cleanse and wait about a week for it to arrive in the mail.  I received the cleanse on St. Patrick’s Day and excitedly ripped the package open.  Inside is a [large] tea bag, a protein pack, and two sheets of paper.

I have the 5 Day Detoxification Program, Fresh Fruit & 100% Juice.

Detoxification is the removal of toxins, acid, mucus and poisons that have invaded your major organs such as the liver, kidneys, spleen, colon, brain, skin, eyes and blood system.

Well holy crap!

Step 1: Twice daily drink 12 oz. of the herbal detox tea in the morning and in the evening.  CHECK.

Step 2: Drink 6 oz. of the protein drink in the morning immediately following the herbal detox tea.  CHECK.

Step 3: All Day, eat fresh fruit and drink 100% fruit juices.  No meat, dairy, bread, pasta.  Eat only fruit.  All you can eat.

Well shit, look at this.  I can eat as much fruit as I want!  I can totes handle this.  No problem!  CHECK.

Step 4: Drink at least 64 oz. of 100% fruit juices on the days shown below.  Also drink 3-4 glasses of water.  CHECK.

Day 1: Sunday

I begin my cleanse on Sunday, March 18th.  I wake up starving at 7:30 am.  I am dying for an iced coffee, like seriously dying.

I drink my tea and protein shake.  By the way, 6 oz. is like nothing.

Not bad, but afterwards I’m still starving which I don’t quite understand because on any given day I don’t usually eat breakfast until about 9 am.  Am I this starving because I know I can’t eat?

Around 10 am I can’t take it anymore.  I need to go to the store and buy fruit and also the fruit juice I need to drink for the next 5 days.

Not to mention I decide I HAVE to get an iced coffee, but I will get it with skim milk and easy sugar.  I mean, that’s better than the way I usually drink it?  And I got a small instead of a large.

This coffee is terrible.  It’s amazing how good coffee tastes with tons of cream and tons of sugar. It’s like dessert.

Day 1 is apple juice.  I love apple juice.  As I’m eating my freshly purchased fruit my stomach is starting to kill me.  Fruit is like really sweet, and I’m gagging trying to eat it all.  I ate strawberries and grapes.  I’d honestly rather starve.  I don’t eat anymore fruit today.

I drink almost the entire 64 oz. (that’s a whole bottle!) of apple juice.  I feel disgusting.

As the day goes on I am very weak.  I am also very bitchy.

We take the Chiquita to the park, and as I’m standing there I feel like I’m going to fall over.  I wasn’t sure if I could even make the walk home.  I’ve seriously never been so hungry in my entire life.

It doesn’t help that it happens to be an 80 degree day in March in Chicago, and my husband wants to go to Dairy Queen.  Gee thanks.

I go to bed and dream about food.

I have 4 more days of this?

Day 2: Monday

At least I have to go to work today so I won’t be sitting at home all day wishing I could eat.  This is probably the first Monday in the history of my life that I’m excited to go to work.

I drink another small iced coffee with skim milk and easy sugar.

My choice for juice today is 100% organic lemonade or to squeeze 6-8 fresh lemons and mix with 64 oz. of water.  Because I don’t like lemonade (unless it’s mixed with vodka) I do the lemon water.  This was actually not bad, and I finished the 64 oz.  Yayy me!

I also pretended that I was a POW, and I was being starved to death by evil Nazi’s.  I can’t fold, I kept telling myself.  I must stay strong!

As weird as it sounds the POW reference keeps me strong and focused.  I do really well today.  3 more days to go, I can do this!

Day 3: Tuesday

I don’t do as well today.

My juice today is a choice of 100% papaya or 100% white grapefruit juice.  I don’t like grapefruits or grapefruit juice so I go to two different stores searching for papaya juice.  Naturally I can’t find it so I have to buy the grapefruit juice.  It’s no fun drinking a juice that you actually hate.  I only drink half the bottle.

I eat watermelon and cantaloupe today, and again I don’t eat nearly enough fruit because it is making my stomach sooo sick.

I have a handful of almonds.

This POMOW (Prisoner of my Own War) is starting to go a little crazy.  I’m soooo hungry.  I can’t even think straight.

I go to bed and dream about food.

Day 4: Wednesday

I’m gonna die.

I can’t do this for two more days.  I just can’t!  I’m starving.  Why am I doing this again?  Why am I practically starving myself?  Is this even normal?

At least today I get to drink 100% cranberry juice, 100% grape juice or 100% pineapple juice.  I opt for the grape juice because I’m a huge fan of grape juice.

I drink almost the entire bottle of grape juice.  I eat some kiwi and some pears.

I text my friend that I can’t do it anymore.  She texts me back BGP (Big Girl Pants from post Ramblings of a Single Mama).

I eat a handful of sunflower kernels and chug a bottle of water.  I sit at my desk and imagine this is what Kate Moss feels like.  I stare at my computer.

Eating is wayyyy overrated.

My bosses have to repeat things to me multiple times today because as they talk to me I stare at them with a blank face.

I text my mom that I’m dying.  She responds: Why are you doing this, Jennifer?

Must.  Eat.  Food.

Day 5: Thursday

I have made it through this cleanse starving myself for the past 4 days.  I feel near death.

My boss says, “You look like a wreck!” (Now there’s a compliment?) “You really don’t look so good today.  I’m starting to get worried.  When is this insanity over with?”

“Today is my last day,” I tell him, as I rub my stomach, which is growling.

Day 5 you have the joy of drinking 64 oz. of prune juice.  I drank half the bottle of prune juice, and I spent about half my day in the bathroom.  Having diarrhea.  In a public bathroom at my work.  It was disgusting and embarrassing.

It was like “ShitBreak” from American Pie.  I was embarrassed to come out of the bathroom stall because the stuff that was coming out of me was some funkyyyyy shit!

O-M-G. That's all I got.

I am the biggest bitch ever today, and I feel like I’m going to fall over at any given second.  I truly have not one ounce of energy.  I wonder what I’m doing to my body.  I kind of even wonder if I will live.

I’m in a lot of pain now.  My head hurts, my stomach hurts, my legs hurt…..sorry, tmi, but my butt hurts, too.

My husband tells me my skin looks yellow and begs me to eat.  I end up eating a small salad because I truly can’t eat any more fruit and I truly can’t stop going #2.

Then Husband tells me how I failed my mission because I ate said salad.  I wanted to kill him.  I sat at the table and yelled at him about how I was starving myself for 5 days for him, damn it, and couldn’t he appreciate it and tell me good job instead of telling me I failed?

He tells me I’m wayyy overreacting and it’s probably because I’m hungry.  I give him a death stare. He shuts the fuck up.

I go to bed and dream about food.

Day 6: Friday

I stop at Dunkin Donuts in the morning for an iced coffee.  Even though I get a large with cream and sugar, I do say easy cream and easy sugar.

I feel proud of myself.  I DID IT! Sort of.  I know I cheated here and there, but in my opinion I succeeded.

I basically didn’t eat for 5 days.
I ended up losing 5 pounds.
Would I say it was worth it?  Yes.
Would I do it again?  No.

I don’t recommend it.  I’m going to make sure I stick to working out and eating right.  My weight will fluctuate, and that’s OK, but instead of going to extreme measures I will remind myself what I went through as a POMOW.  I don’t think I could survive this again.  I don’t think my marriage would survive this again.

For those of you crazy enough to read this and think you STILL would want to try it here is the information you need:

A Choice For Life, Holistic Wellness Center
10650 S. Western Ave.
Chicago, IL 60643
(773) 239-7740
www.AChoice4Life.com

What extreme diets have you done to try to lose weight?

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#2: Bad Mom Says “It’s Common Sense Really.”

23 Jan

My weekly “Bad Mom” post isn’t really taking off the way I had hoped. 

Apparently there are just no bad moms out there!  I actually have been a pretty good mom lately, if I do say so myself, and I haven’t really had any stories to share.

I’m proud to say I’ve been keeping it all together.  I think I’m just more of a psycho before the holidays so now that we’re into 2012 I’m a little more content.  I’m not content about the belly bulge I noticed this morning when putting on my skinny jeans, but I digress.  I really can’t do it all, and I’m starting to be OK with that.

So my brief Bad Mom moment occurred this morning while I was driving the Chiquita to Bubbe’s house.  It’s freezing in the car even though I warmed it for about 15 minutes before we left the house.  We’re both bundled up with the heat blasting.  Chiquita is in the back in her car seat sucking on her paci while she holds her bottle and hugs her baby; a black fleece blanket across her legs.

We’re not even down the block when she throws Baby across the backseat.  Then she starts whining.  Ugh.  Soo annoying.  I haven’t even sipped my coffee yet and I’m trying to listen to Kiss FM’s “Dirty on the Thirty” celeb gossip segment and she’s in the back going, “oooh…ahhh….ahhh…ma….” trying to say to me, “Hey, lady, I dropped threw my baby now pick it up for me.”

Diva Eva wants it NOW!

How many times do we have to do this?  I turn around and say, “I’m driving right now.  Don’t throw your baby.”

She follows up with, “oooh…ahhh….ahhh…ma….”

I turn around again and say, “I’m driving right now.  When I stop at a red light I will get your baby.”  And then I turn up the volume to hear “Dirty on the Thirty.”  Nice mom, huh?

At the red light I turn around and grab Baby off the backseat.  I hand the baby to her and say, firmly, “Don’t throw her again because I’m not getting her for you next time.  You’ll have to wait until we get to Bubbe’s.”

She smiles and hugs Baby.  Awww so cute….for about three seconds.

Three seconds later Baby is on the floor again.  I hear, “oooh…ahhh….ahhh…ma….”  I think to myself, we have a seven minute ride to Bubbe’s and I feel like I’m going to kill this kid.  I tell her no and continue to drive despite her rebuttals. 

Seconds later her bottle has ended up been thrown on the floor and this infuriates her.  Where in the hell did the Chiquita get this bad temper?  Certainly not from Moi! :D

Now she’s really pissed and she’s letting me know it.  A tirade ensues complete with pointing at me and kicking her legs.  I want to laugh at this kid, but I don’t. 

I turn around and say, “Hey, I told you not to throw Baby and your bottle.  I’m driving.  I can’t reach it.  You’ll have to wait until we get to Bubbe’s.”

We’re going to be there in one and a half minutes.  I really wish kids understood patience!  She continues with her tirade and finally I’m at my wit’s end.  How many times do I have to tell the Chiquita NOT to throw Baby and/or bottles on our drive to Bubbe’s?  This isn’t a new phenomenon.  She wasn’t born yesterday.  She knows the drill.

Finally I begrudgingly turn around as another tirade ensues and I say (very nicely, actually, I’m not even yelling), “Listen.  How many times do I have to tell you not to throw your bottle?  I can’t pick it up off the floor while I am driving.  How about you just don’t throw it?  I mean, it’s common sense really….”

"It's common sense, Timmy!"

The words escape my mouth, and I think to myself, Wow.  That’s wayyyy f*cked up.  I just told my 18 month old she lacked common sense.

And this just after I argued with Hubs on what a “compassionate” person I am.  He goes, “You?  Compassionate?  The person who thinks everyone is ‘sooo stupid.’  Hilarious.”

 

What are your Bad Mom stories?  I can’t be the only one who is the occasional Bad Mom!  Write me at jlee5879@live.com.

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My Office Crush is Gay.

19 Dec

I’ve mentioned before that I work in a fish bowl.  What I mean, is I work in a building in which the inside looks like a strip mall – the whole front of my office is a glass window.  We all sort of “know” each other just from seeing the same people walking down the hall day in and day out.  People walk by and wave and smile at me all day.  Some ladies walk by and scowl at me as well.  I like to think that’s just because they are jealous of my good looks and charming personality.

Anyways, as much as I do enjoy working despite missing the Chiquita, there are days that are lonnng and boring.  Days in which I stare at the clock waiting for 4:30.  To get through these days I had to do something. 

I developed an office crush. 

I used to have a crush on the UPS man, but then he invited me over to his house for beers, and I sort of thought, hmm, this is not going in the right direction.  So, now I just smile at him and talk to him about the Cubs (he’s a diehard Sox fan) and he usually tells me how much he likes my boots, my outfit, etc. But, as for the office crush that is now over.  Guess he should have played hard to get.

Then I was crush-less for a while.  Like for a long while.

Let me take a moment to explain the office crush.  Or at least my office crush.  Yes, I’m married.  I’m not looking to hook up with my office crush, but rather I just like to watch them walk by (is that creepy?) and smile and wave and maybe flirt a little, I’m really good at batting the eyelashes, but other than that NOTHING.  Let me be clear.  I’m not looking to bag my office crush.

So I was sad and crush-less for a while.  Makes work veryyyy boring.  And, then…I saw him.  No, it didn’t quite go down like that; it wasn’t crush-at-first-sight. 

Down the hall from me is a graphic design company.  All the people who work there seem very cool and urban, like not your typical office employees.  One of the guys, my new crush, is this kind of skinny hipster guy.  He has blonde spiky hair and wears tight black skinny jeans (emo pants??) with black lace-up boots.  Some days he wears a hat, some days he wears hoodies, but all days he has an aura of “cool” about him. 

Today he is wearing his black skinny jeans and a red tee with a scarf; his keys dangling from his hip.  He snaps his fingers as he strolls by.

He’s totally not my type. 

I don’t go for the rocker, urban, cool kinds of guys.  I’m not really sure what my type is.  Oh wait, my type is my husband, of course, in case he’s reading this. :) 

And then one day over the summer I left work early to go to the bank for my boss.  I was shocked when I saw him.  I mean, I was taking a different route than I normally do.  I was sitting at a red light waiting for the green arrow.  This guy rounds the corner on a motorcycle.  I did a double take.  HOLY CRAP.  That was skinny jeans guy!  And on a Harley!!

Suddenly his hotness factor went from like a 5 to a 9.  I’m pretty sure I started to perspire. 

I went to work the next day and told my boss that skinny jeans guy has a Harley.  Even my boss thought he was suddenly kind of bad ass.  A couple days after that skinny jeans guy was talking to someone outside my office.  I overheard him say (no, I wasn’t eavesdropping!) that he was “playing a show” that night. 

I started to imagine myself as a groupie.  What would I wear to skinny jeans guy’s show tonight, you know if I was single?  I decided on my short leather skirt, black boots…but wait, I’m not the groupie type!  And then I remembered.  I’m a 32-year-old married office manager with a baby.  Well, that’s okay, either way, my new crush was formed!  Skinny jeans guy is one cool mutha-fucka and yayy now I have someone to crush on again!

At first skinny jeans guy seemed totes into me; like he would walk by and smile and give me the peace sign.  Yeah, he’s wayyy too cool to wave.  I was like; ohmigosh, I have to be careful here.  I don’t need another UPS incident; I’d like to keep my office crush this time.  I mean, I can’t help it that I’m so cute and likeable.

I mean, I was pretty sure skinny jeans guy would be asking me to come see a show.  Like any day now.  And then suddenly skinny jeans guy no longer seemed into me.  He would walk by my office uber cool with his spiky hair and his tight emo pants and he didn’t wave at me anymore, and then he didn’t even look at me anymore!

Wtf is happening?

I mean, I tried not to take it personally.  I’m sure I’m not skinny jeans guy’s type anyways, as I would imagine he goes for beer swigging hipster-type girls, like Avril Lavigne, who have color streaked hair and shop at The Alley.  I’m sure wine-guzzling, Juicy Couture wearing, Giuliana BFF wannabes are sooo not his type.

Still, even though I’m married, my ego was a bit bruised.  I told my boss, “Skinny jeans guy doesn’t wave at me anymore.”

He goes, “You reeked of desperation,” and then burst out laughing.  I think he was joking.

Then, on Friday, my ego was saved.

Friday afternoon I went on a walkabout to drop some checks in the mailbox.  As I walked down the hall I do what everyone else does, and I look in the windows to see what everyone is doing.  Attorney lady is typing frantically on the computer, Insurance lady is on the phone talking away, the Narcissist is back in his office talking to a pretty blonde woman….and then I spot it.

Normally the graphics company keeps their shades drawn so you can only see into their office through the two front doors, unlike my company which is just wide open so people can see me pick my teeth and blow my nose.  But as I walked by that day I noticed that the shades were wide open.  And in the window is a picture of skinny jeans guy.  With another dude.  Omg, it’s SKINNY JEANS GUY WITH HIS HANDS ON THE SHOULDERS OF ANOTHER DUDE!!!!!!!

I like did a complete double take.  Wtf is this?!?  Are they gay?  And not that there’s anything wrong with that….I just about fell over in shock in front of their office.  I tried to get it together and play cool, but my whole walk back to the office I kept repeating to myself, “Is skinny jeans guy gay?”

And then the puzzle pieces started to come together.  His man friend recently started to work there.  Oh yeah, he started working there right around the time that skinny jeans guy stopped waving at me… 

And now I see new dude and skinny jeans guy driving to work together every morning…I mean, I just thought new dude was a nice guy driving skinny jeans guy to work because he like, has a Harley and all, and it’s too cold out to drive now?

And skinny jeans guy does wear really tight pants.

I mean, I suppose he could be gay.  Maybe an Adam Levine type???  

“You will never believe this!”  I shout as I walk inside my office doors.

My boss looked up from his desk and my co-worker peeked her head around the corner.

“I think skinny jeans guy is gay!” I shout.

“Oh yeah, I could have told you that.  I mean, it makes sense…” My boss says.

What?!?  Why didn’t you tell me this?

“You have to go down there and look at the picture!”  I shout.  “Someone has to go down there.  Am I crazy?  It looks like an engagement picture!”

My co-worker walks down to view the alleged engagement photo.  She says, “Is it possible they are just posing that way?”

I say to my boss, “You have to go look!”

“Why do I have to go look?” He asks.

“You just do.  I just need to know.  I need a dude’s opinion.  Please go.”

“Will you stop talking about it if I go look at the picture?”

“Yes,” I promised.

He gets up and heads down the hall.  I am back sitting at my desk anxiously waiting for the verdict.  As he walks down the hall he looks at me through the windows and smiles.  He has a huge grin on his face.

He walks in the door, looks at me, and starts cracking up.  He shrugs and says, “He’s gay.”

Disbelief sweeps across my face.  Immediately I think of the scene from Clueless:

Murray: Your man Christian is a cake boy!

Cher, Dionne: A what?

Murray: He’s a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I’m saying?

Cher: Uh-uh, no way, not even!

Murray: Yes, even; he’s gay!

Dionne: He does like to shop, Cher. And the boy can dress.

If it happened to Cher, I guess it can happen to the best of us. :)

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