Tag Archives: Vodka

#4: Get to Know ~ “The Wingman” James Holeva

10 Jan

“The Wingman” James Holeva and I “met” via Twitter. I checked out some info on him and thought he was a pretty sexy and interesting guy. Since I do have several male readers and really cool chick readers I knew that you guys would definitely want me to introduce you to this ladies man.

I’m so excited to have had the honor to interview this talented up-and-comer because I can assure you in no time at all he will be walking the red carpet, the next George Clooney, with a different hottie on his arm at every event.

While I have aspirations of walking the red carpet, see I Owe It All To Poop, I would never be the girl on “The Wingman’s” arm because let’s just face it, I’m totally not cool enough. And I’ve never been titty-f*cked and don’t think I’d ever want to be. It sounds painful. Does that make me a prude?

Well, don’t read on if you are a prude because this interview is Rated R. For those of you interested in testing your sexual prowess keep reading….and for my Chi-town readers “The Wingman” is having a live show this weekend — flyer below!

promo shot hat

What made you decide to not only write but to publish The Wingman Chronicles?
I figured it would get me a lot of ass, and make me a lot of money, and ass and money are what life is about. Relax I’m half-joking. Honestly I heard about Sex and the City when I was in high school and I thought how cool would it be to read something like that but from the guy’s perspective. I looked everywhere for something like that but couldn’t find it, so I had to write it myself. I always felt my life was a movie, show, book etc. and write what I know. I remember I had an English teacher Mrs. Kelleher in high school and her saying to the class about writers and fiction, and how nobody’s life is that interesting, and raising my hands and telling her my life is, and she said, you should write about it. And I was like, I have been. I don’t think she knew at the time it would be quite as filthy but like I said, I write what I know, and I write it the way I’d want to read it.

Wingman1

How long did it take you to recount your sex-capades in your autobiography? Were there any stories you just couldn’t share or did you really put it all out there?
Well like they say in music you have your whole life to write your first album so it was a situation of that. I’m a fast writer but the first story of the book was written in August of 2008, and then I would write a story here and there, then in September of 2009 I started writing a column called The Wingman Chronicles for Northeastern PA. arts & entertainment weekly The Weekender so I compiled a lot of ideas I drew from there, then kept going. It was on and off while I was working on many other things but the actual spurts of writing were very quick. Recounting the stories is easy—one thing I have going for me is although I may pretend I don’t know a lot of girls I don’t want to talk to I actually remember just about everything I’ve experienced, and I’m talking about exact conversations, what was said, how the word was said, and this goes back to being a little kid. It’s not an autobiography, it’s an autobiographical novel so there is some fiction thrown in. I originally was going to go the memoir route until the last minute but I planned for this to be a series and had some fictional ideas for the future books so I wanted to keep my options opened creatively. The book is 90 percent completely true, and the other 10 percent based on true experiences and true feelings, with some fiction mixed in. A lot of the stuff the reader will be like “this is so fucked up, this can’t be true,” it probably is true, and some of the fictional parts are actually the most personal to me. I pretty much put it all out there, and the next book will go deeper.

How do women respond to you knowing you may write about your adventures with them? How do you handle any criticism?
They go out of their way to try to do crazy shit that will get them in the book. All I could say is stay the fuck away from my ass, and stop trying to pee on me. As for criticism I used to let it get to me but I’ve learned you can’t please everybody, and when you do this kind of work any reaction is good reaction. So it’s a combination of ignoring and taking every chance I get to call a cunt a cunt. I think all the kids out there should do the same thing.

You created and star in “The Wingman” a TV pilot currently being shopped to networks…maybe the next Sex and the City? How do you like acting?
Yes, I see it as a male version in many ways, and I see it being very close to the book. In fact, I wanted the book to feel like the reader is watching a show on DVD or Netflix and the chapters to be like episodes. You could watch, in this case read, one episode at a time, or a few, or go right through the whole season like I do when I find a new show I like. I love acting, and have always wanted to act. In fact, while writing I get up and act the dialogue out to make sure it feels right.

Check out the trailer for the pilot here.

Which actress would you love to work with?
A couple who pop out are Scarlett Johansson, who I see as perfect for the Noelle character from the book, and Gina Gershon who would be great to play a character in the sequel.

Gina Gershon

Gina Gershon

You also have a debut album coming out and a radio show! How do you do it all and what do you envision for your future?
I recorded a comedy album last year, and it should be out soon. It’s going to be called “Bedrooms, Backseats and Bathroom Stalls.” The recording went awesome and really has the live experience I try to give in my shows, and wanted it to have. I think sometimes albums come off very rehearsed but my show is very interactive and crazy, I do a lot of crowd work, I do the #askwingman Q & A portion of the show where I answer sex, dating, relationship and creepin’ questions on-stage and I wanted that live energy to really come out and I think we got that. I did a syndicated weekly radio segment “Wingman Wednesday” originating on 97 BHT from 2008-2011 and that was a blast. I had to be toned down since it was a top 40 section but it went very well, and I’d answer dating and creepin’ questions every week. I’m hustling constantly and always have a ton of ideas going on. And more than half the time is spent on the business end of it all but it’s what it takes. I envision myself of course writing and starring in my own TV series, writing and starring in movies… comedy/drama, doing great work, more of The Wingman Chronicles book series, writing other books of other genres, world tour, playing Madison Square Garden, and also have other TV series and scripts… Both for me to act in, and stuff I wrote with other people in mind. And in the short term keep writing, and touring, trying to go everywhere. My book is doing well all over the world and I want all my fans to have the chance to come see me live. Yeah, I have a few plans.

Let’s talk breasts since you’ve seen a lot….big, small? Real, fake? How’s your motorboat skills?
I don’t like real tits, I don’t like fake tits, I like great tits. How they got that way is none of my concern. I don’t order dinner at a restaurant and go into the kitchen and ask the chef. What exactly did you put in this sauce, are the spices natural, is it gluten free? I just slop that up. Same with tits, which is why my motorboat skills are top notch. It’s all about the passion and the nipple sucking. However having a huge cock and all I do prefer to titty-fuck. The best part about it is keeping a girl in suspense about where I’ll blow my load.

Do you have a background in journalism/writing/communications? What would you be doing if you weren’t starting a “Wingman” brand?
Yes I do. I was a journalist for six years writing primarily sports features but a little bit of everything, from game stories, to entertainment, and some hard news. I also had a ski column “The White Stuff” (and no, I didn’t even name it), before I had my sex column “The Wingman Chronicles.” Hmm… If I wasn’t starting “The Wingman” brand I’d be working on another writing, acting or comedy related project but otherwise I’d be pursuing journalism actively or working in marketing/public relations… If it was something completely different I’d be a lawyer. You’ll see in my book I have a solid legal background, learned primarily from watching Ally McBeal and Boston Legal.

Being a native to New York I’m sure you’ve been to The Sex Museum? What was your favorite exhibit?
I’m actually a native to Clarks Summit, PA, but live in New York City now. My favorite exhibit would have to be the bathroom. Me, sex museum, horny girls… I kind of was the exhibit. Don’t worry I’m thinking about merchandising replica hard-eights.

What is your drink of choice?
Diet coke… I live on that. Alcoholic drinks is what I’m sure you actually mean and lately either Vodka Tonic or Vodka Cranberry. I used to be big into Sugar Free Red Bull and Vodka but lately the majority of my drinking is at shows, a little bit before and during, and then primarily after and I’m already amped enough from the performance so I don’t need more caffeine.

Who is your favorite sports team? Be careful…you’re talking to a lifelong Cubs fan!
Well I’m more about watching a good game in general. Baseball is by far my favorite sport to watch, but I would have to say the Phillies.

Any words of wisdom for Jlee’s readers?
Read my book, come see me live, follow me on twitter… If you’re a hot girl let me spank you on-stage, sign your tits and ass. Don’t use an endless amount of coupons in line in front of me at the grocery store. Every time you cockblock you’re not helping your friends, you’re making them hate you, and most of all don’t ever let anybody stifle your adventure.

Live in Chicago January 11th and 12th! Get your tickets!

Live in Chicago January 11th and 12th! Get your tickets!

Please follow “The Wingman” via twitter or you can ‘Like’ his FB page here. A big thank you to Mr. James Holeva! This interview has been a pleasure. I’ve been laughing and cringing. ;) Thanks again.

Jlee’s Review – Liz and Dick

2 Dec

lindsay-lohan-taylor-640x424

Not sure if you caught Lifetime’s Original Movie Liz & Dick, which premiered on November 25, 2012, but if you didn’t I highly recommend catching a repeat.

I found this movie, which is based on a true story of the tumultuous love affair between Elizabeth Taylor (played by Lindsay Lohan) and Richard Burton (played by Grant Bowler) to be equally entertaining and frustrating.

The highly anticipated Liz & Dick was to be a comeback role for troubled former child star Lohan. Of being cast as Taylor, Lindsay said, “I have always admired and had enormous respect for Elizabeth Taylor. She was not only an incredible actress but an amazing woman as well. I am very honored to have been asked to play this role.”

Unfortunately, 4 days after the movie opened to less than stellar reviews Lohan was arrested for an alleged New York City nightclub brawl. Lohan’s seventh arrest came just after a recent sit down with US Weekly about her plans to stay on the “straight-and-narrow”.

Poor poor LindsLo. I’m serious. I actually really like Lindsay Lohan, and I feel like her crazy parents have royally f*cked her. She started out as a brilliant actress – remember The Parent Trap? Freaky Friday? Mean Girls????

But because her mom, Dina, has spent the last ten or s0 years hitting the LA club scene with her daughter while dad, Michael, has done multiple stints in jail and rehab (did you catch him on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew? Yes….yes, I did.) this girl didn’t stand a chance in Hollywood.

Drinking, drugs, Porsche’s and lesbians = my kind of life BUT luckily for me my parents loved me more than money and therefore didn’t try to sell me to the first talent agency upon my acclaimed Burger King performance when I was 5.

But back to Liz & Dick. Let’s break it down…

#1 – Liz & Dick is a Lifetime movie (Sunday hangover channel)
#2 – LindsLo may be a train wreck, but she IS a good actress
#3 – Based on a true story (only the best kind of story)
#4 – Gives an inside look at the life of Dame Elizabeth Taylor

How could this movie be a fail?

As mentioned above, I found this movie to be both entertaining and frustrating. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the screen, but was at the same time yelling ‘why the hell can’t you two just get along?’ at the TV.

Referred to as a modern-day Romeo and Juliet, I was quite intrigued with a celeb romance I did not see splattered all over US Weekly since I wasn’t yet born at the time of Taylor and Burton’s infamous affair. I found myself questioning all my years of loyalty to Miss Marilyn Monroe, and wishing I’d read a biography or two on Dame Taylor as well.

I found LindsLo’s portrayal of the beautiful, complex and legendary actress – who also happened to be a businesswoman and an AIDS and HIV activist – to be quite endearing, as if they share a vulnerability that is cursed by fame and self-loathing. And I do think Lohan emulated Taylor more than the critics believed…

The Liz and Dick; photo courtesy of Lifetime

The Liz and Dick; photo courtesy of Lifetime.

Bowler and Lohan as Liz and Dick in Cleopatra; photo courtesy of Lifetime.

Bowler and Lohan as Liz and Dick in Cleopatra; photo courtesy of Lifetime.

The most unfortunate part of the movie, however, was the chemistry between LindsLo and leading man Grant Bowler. The fighting parts were believable, but the making love parts were like gag me. I kept wondering if Bowler was kissing Lohan thinking, “Does she have Herpes?”

Saw the hate but not the love.

Saw the hate but not the love.

I did enjoy this movie, but I’m pretty easy to please. I loved Lifetime’s other infamous movie featuring our favorite big dicked Bolingbrook cop Drew Peterson. A sucker for based on a true story” flicks especially featuring famous people I knew there was no way I would not not like this movie.

However, because I knew I would be doing a write-up for my readers I did screen it with an open mind. I would definitely watch it again – if for no other reason than to see Liz’s big [gorgeous] rock Burton bought for her “pudgy” fingers.

Elizabeth Taylor Emerald Ring; photo courtesy of Lifetime.

Elizabeth Taylor Emerald Ring; photo courtesy of Lifetime.

My favorite parts were when Liz and Dick were being interviewed….at that time I found them to be charming, realistic and heart wrenching. And how could you not tear up when at the end it was revealed that Elizabeth kept all of Richard’s letters until her death? Omg, a true love story.

liz-11

Did you catch Liz & Dick? What did you think?

#11: Deep Thoughts by Jlee

27 Aug
Chocolate River/Vodka River?

Photo Courtesy of jennybarnes.com

I have a one-way ticket to Crazy Town which I envision as a place similar to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory… but minus the Oompa Loompa’s because they’re creepy….and minus the chocolate river.  In Crazy Town instead of having a river of brown milk chocolate flowing through, it’s actually a river of Greygoose Vodka.

Jlee’s Review – Intoxicology 101s Sangria

1 Aug

Alex at Intoxicology 101 did a wonderful guest blog for us on July 23rd which included two Sangria recipes. See it here if you missed it: sAnGrIa ~ A Party Favorite.

Here is an excerpt from the post: Because Alex knows I’m a wino he provided us with two Sangria recipes! I made an awesome Sangria yesterday for the Chiquita’s 2nd birthday, I will share the recipe and pics in another post, but I am anxious to try Alex’s recipe for a pool party I am having this weekend. I will provide my review of the recipe next week.

As promised here is my review of Intoxicology 101s Sangria.

Toxic.

Toxic as in I woke up naked at 8:30 pm wondering what the hell happened. Toxic as in I was banging on my bathroom door desperately trying to break it down as I knew I was going to be sick. Toxic as in four days later my stomach still isn’t quite right.

The only good thing is that out of four women two of us ended up puking. So, I ask you. What could take down two grown women at a pool party?

Alex’s Sangria. Damn him. It’s because he’s a Sux, I mean, Sox fan. Or because it was just that darn good.

I made Alex’s Spiked White Peach Sangria. Here is the recipe again:

  • 1 750 ML bottle Dry to Semi-dry White (I Use Pinot Grigio)
  • 3/4 cup Vodka (Or try Peach Vodka)
  • 6 Tbs frozen lemonade concentrate
  • 1 LB peaches, pitted and sliced
  • 3/4 cup Red grapes, halved (Seedless)
  • 3/4 cup Green grapes, halved (Seedless)
  • 1/4 cup Sugar

In a large pitcher, combine your wine, vodka, lemonade concentrate and sugar. Stir until the sugar dissolves. Go ahead and add in your fruits next. Refrigerate until chilled and allow the fruit flavors to blend in.

Now first off, I chose to make this Sangria not for the Vodka, but because it is a white-wine Sangria and that is what I had a taste for Saturday morning. But, secondly, vodka is a nice added touch.

I took the recipe to Dominick’s the night before yet I still managed to forget the frozen lemonade concentrate. Does anyone else do this? Wtf?! I had the recipe right in my hand!

Anyways, so I made his recipe exactly as it called for except in place of the frozen lemonade concentrate I used ginger ale. Alex says this recipe serves 6-10 depending on your crowd. I don’t know who Alex’s friends are, but I doubled the recipe for 4 gals. Maybe that was my problem?

Friends arrived and we had a nice display of food plus our yummy Sangria. We took some pics and celebrated another friend’s birthday (the other puker – lol) and all was starting out well. I’m not sure how quickly we finished off the Sangria, but let me tell you, it tasted soo good. My husband dubbed it: The Sweet Nectar of the Gods.

The Sweet Nectar of the Gods

It didn’t even taste like alcohol and we were cheers-ing away, laughing and telling stories and the ladies asked me to make a second – YES, a second! – batch. FYI, we finished the second batch. Holy shit, are we alcoholics or what?!?

I’m not sure where it all went downhill from here. Well, I mean, I guess I am. I brought the second batch of Sangria out. We cheers-ed some more. We took some more pictures. We talked about going to Mexico in January.

Making sure the Sangria didn’t drown.

Four hours later I woke up. Naked. With a bucket of puke next to me.

O. M. G.

What the shit?!?

I’m a 33-year-old mother! This should not be happening. This is so embarrassing! This is so immature. What would my mother say? Didn’t I learn from the Sangria and the water balloon incident? O.M.G. My counselor is going to have a field day with this!?!

I walk downstairs and Hubs says to me, “Well, you weren’t the only one that got it.”

I just stared at him. I’m not even sure I could speak.

What happened?

“It must have been that vodka in the Sangria. Jen, you like poisoned your friends. Coco threw up all over the kitchen sink and then passed out on the couch for three hours. The other two managed to survive it, both thanking their lucky stars. Could you imagine me having 4 women throwing up and passed out in the house?”

My husband laughed. Yes, my husband is a saint.

So, my review of Alex’s Sangria is such: FAS (Fucking Awesome Shit).

However, not recommended for pool parties or light weights. If you are going to drink this Sangria please don’t drink on an empty stomach or you will end up with projectile vomiting like Coco or waking up naked with a puke bucket like me!

Here is my friend’s review of the Spiked White Peach Sangria: (and note, she did not puke, but she is also not a huge Sangria fan):Though some may call it toxic, if you’re a wine and vodka drinker this could be your new BFF!”

And as promised, here is the recipe for Jlee’s Sangria. (I’m calling it Jlee’s Sangria because this is my blog, however, to be truthful; this is not actually my recipe, but my friend’s, who shared it with me. Proper disclosures are always appreciated.)

Jlee’s Sangria

Jlee’s Sangria

  • 1 box of Franzia white wine
  • 1 2-liter of Sierra Mist
  • Lots of sliced fruit of your choice, but good with strawberries, peaches, lemons and limes

Prepare the night before in a large gallon serving dispenser (I bought mine at Sam’s Club). Combine your wine and Sierra Mist. Stir. Go ahead and add in your fruits next. Refrigerate and enjoy manana!

What is the Matter with You?

30 Jul

Is what my mom asked me; more like scolded me. And it was actually more like this:  Jennifer! What. Is. The. Matter. With. You?

Yep, still getting it at 33-years-old.

But, I did deserve it.

It was another one of my “JUST STOP TALKING!!!!” moments, only it was more of a ‘You’re a grown woman why in the hell would you throw chuck a water balloon at your mother during your kid’s 2nd birthday party?’ At your mother’s back, even better.

Yes. Yes, I did this. I’ll explain.

The Sangria made me do it.

I really don’t know what came over me, but I’ve said before that my family is crazy. When I was a kid we would always play the water balloon toss game followed by the classic water balloon fight at family parties. We would laugh and joke and it was the funnest time. Some of my fondest memories of my childhood are playing with my aunts when I was a little kid.

For the Chiquita’s 2nd birthday almost the entire family was together. The family, I feel like, has worked hard to try to come together and overcome our differences. I was excited, and I wanted it to be perfect. This actually is one of my biggest struggles. I’m a perfectionist. I don’t like things done half-assed. If I’m going to do it, I’m going to go all out.

Sometimes this gets me in trouble. I don’t always think things through because I’m too busy seeing the finish line. I’m at ‘start’ and ‘finish’ but never at ‘during’. It’s a bad way to live, and I need to work on that, but we’ll save that for my therapy sessions.

So anyways, my aunt helps me fill the water balloons, and I excitedly gather the troops.

“Water balloon toss! Water balloon toss! Get your partner and meet out front!”

I’ve got kids, I’ve got older aunts/uncles…I’m super pumped. This is awesome! Just like the old days!!

My mom is being all fuddy duddy, “I’m not going to play.”

What?!?

Side note, when did mom’s get to be so lame anyways? I remember my mom never wanting to go water skiing or tubing when we were kids on our boat. We’d be soo excited and be like, “Mom, please!” and she would always say no and just lay in the boat with her sunglasses on. I’d say OK if she at least had a vodka in her hand, but my mom isn’t much of a drinker…which isn’t a bad thing if you read about some of my dalliances.

So my mom says she’s isn’t going to play and for some reason (Sangria?) it really annoys me. Like why not? Are you afraid to get wet? Come on! Don’t be so lame!

These thoughts all run through my head.

We play two games of controlled water balloon toss. By the way, I don’t want to brag, but in the 2nd game I was in the top 3 and did a dive catch to try to save my water balloon. In a dress no less. See, I’m A Cool Mom. ;)

And then the fight breaks out. People are chucking water balloons every which way. It’s chaos. My evil twin inside me thinks: This is it! This is your chance to get Mom.

I seriously don’t know what came over me. I picked up a water balloon, I walked to the back yard were the lame adults were sitting and then I completely chucked it at her. I’m talking I stopped, I wound up like I was pitching a baseball (complete with the leg up), and I threw the water balloon right at her back!

What. The. Fuck.

Even my bonus daughters were like, “Omg Jen! I can’t believe you just nailed your mom in the back!” while they walked away laughing.

I laughed for like a second and then I saw her face. And then I heard her voice. I heard the: “Jennifer! What is the matter with you?!?”

Uh-oh. Crap. It seemed a lot funnier in my head.

After my mom’s: “Jennifer! What is the matter with you?!?” I figured I had had my fair share of Sangria and dubbed the stuff ‘dangerous’.

The ‘dangerous’ Sangria

I was in major damage control – I drank tons of water and when my mom offered to cut the cake for me I was like, “I got it!” even though I totally wanted to hand it over to her.

I did apologize though my first apology was via text in which I said, ‘Sorry, I’m an asshole.’

For some reason I don’t think she appreciated that apology. I decided a more heartfelt apology was in order. When I saw her a couple days later I said to her, “Mom, I’m really sorry for throwing the water balloon at you.” Then after an uncomfortable chuckle, I said, “Seriously, I don’t know what came over me, it was that Sangria. That stuff was dangerous.”

She gave me a face. I nervously laughed some more. I said again that I really was sorry and appreciated all her help with the Chiquita’s party.

She said, “I wasn’t upset that you got me wet, I was actually more upset by the face that you made.”

I’ve been told before that I make some very serious and deadly facial expressions.

I laughed some more. I don’t think she appreciated all the laughing during this apology, but I was seriously very uncomfortable. Gosh, why don’t I just act like a normal person and not throw things at my mom!?!

Ugh!

In response to my face, I said, “Was it really mean or something?”

Now she laughed. Phew! “Evil! Your face looked evil!”

Now we’re both laughing, and I tell her I’m going to write a blog post about it. She rolls her eyes. I said, “We have to let other people get a kick out of this as much as we are, I mean, seriously, who throws a water balloon at their mom?”

Yeah, that would be me.

Don’t I ever learn to just stop? I need like a code word or something. Oh. I have that. Snooki. For realz, when I’m getting out of control I’m told I’m “Snookied” so I better “calm down.”

I guess I needed my bonus daughters behind me yelling “Jen! You’re Snookied! Don’t. Throw. The. Water. Balloon. !!!!!!!”

In slow-mo.

Only now I’m imagining myself as a caged bear breaking free and doing the whole “Arrrggghghhhhgghghg!” thing as I throw chuck the water balloon at my poor defenseless mom and that would have ended even worse. : /

“Hey man! You got a dart in your neck!”

So what did we all learn from this blog post? Don’t ever – ever, ever, ever – chuck a water balloon at your mom’s back while making an evil face during your two-year-olds birthday party.

Thank goodness you have me to tell you these things.

At least I can cross this off the bucket list. :P

Happy 2nd Birthday to the Chiquita!

sAnGrIa ~ A Party Favorite

23 Jul

Today’s post comes to us from Alex at Intoxicology 101. I was lucky enough to find Alex’s site on Bloggers.com which is a great social networking site for bloggers. If you recall, that is where another recent guest post came from — How Moon Signs Influence Mothers’ Parenting Style, which is a great post for fellow astrology lovers.

I checked out Intoxicology 101 and thought it was a great site dedicated to everyone’s favorite – booze! This site features a variety of information from drink recipes, to alcohol reviews, to education on beer, wine and spirits, to hangover remedies and bartending books. All in all this should become your go-to for all things alcohol-related.

Because Alex knows I’m a wino he provided us with two Sangria recipes! I made an awesome Sangria yesterday for the Chiquita’s 2nd birthday, I will share the recipe and pics in another post, but I am anxious to try Alex’s recipe for a pool party I am having this weekend. I will provide my review of the recipe next week. And if you decide to try it please share a review with Jlee’s readers as well! Or if you have your own special Sangria recipe feel free to leave it in the comments section below.

A big thank you to Alex at Intoxicology 101 ~ we still like you Alex even though you are a Sux, I mean Sox, fan. ;)

Photo Courtesy of Sweet’N Low.

Can you believe we’re only officially a month into the Summer? Heat temperatures are at an all time high all around the country, and especially here in the south making me miss the cool and comfortable mid 70′s Summer temperatures I became accustomed to growing up in the south suburbs of Chicago (And yes, I’m a PROUD Sox fan).

When it’s this bad though, I do the only thing I know how to cool off and that’s have a cold drink! I’m a big believer in seasonal drinking and there’s no better Summer sipper than Sangria. It’s cold, refreshing and features plenty of Summer fruits but the real beauty of it is it’s easy to make and you can add virtually anything to it to tweak it to your taste. White wine or red wine, you can’t really go wrong and if you’re having a get together and expect both lightweights and “professional drinkers” to stop by you can always make two batches, and spike the second with any vodka (flavored or not) to add a bit more of a punch.

Here’s one recipe I recently tried from the makers of Sweet’N Low, and another I’ve used over the years and tweaked to call my own. You can try them out at your next get-together, or if you’re feeling anxious, make one tonight, sip, refrigerate and enjoy later.

Rocking Red Sangria (Serves 16-20 depending on your crowd)
  • 1 orange, chilled and cut into wedges
  • 3 1/2 cups seltzer
  • 1/2 teaspoon Sweet ‘N Low granulated sugar substitute
  • 1 bottle (1.5 liters) burgundy or other red wine
  • 1/4 cup lime juice
  • Juice of 1 lemon
  • Juice of 1 orange
  • 1 lemon, chilled and sliced
  • 1/2 cup fresh strawberry slices

In large pitcher or punch bowl, stir together juices, wine, and Sweet ‘N Low until Sweet ‘N Low dissolves; refrigerate until well chilled. Just before serving, add seltzer, orange wedges, lemon slices, and strawberry slices.

Spiked White Peach Sangria (Serves 6-10 depending on your crowd)
  • 1 750 ML bottle Dry to Semi-dry White (I Use Pinot Grigio)
  • 3/4 cup Vodka (Or try Peach Vodka)
  • 6 Tbs frozen lemonade concentrate
  • 1 LB peaches, pitted and sliced
  • 3/4 cup Red grapes, halved (Seedless)
  • 3/4 cup Green grapes, halved (Seedless)
  • 1/4 cup Sugar

In a large pitcher, combine your wine, vodka, lemonade concentrate and sugar. Stir until the sugar dissolves. Go ahead and add in your fruits next. Refrigerate until chilled and allow the fruit flavors to blend in.

If these don’t cool you off, then there may be no hope left, but you can always keep trying them until you forget how hot (or what time, or day haha) it is. Cheers!

#9: Does It Make Me a Bad Mom If – I Constantly Say I’m a Bad Mom?

10 Jul

My kid’s diaper exploded.
In the middle of the kitchen.
At my friend’s house.
During her daughter’s 1st birthday party.

And my husband is nowhere to be found, off fishing with the guys in the lake behind my friend’s house. I rudely ask him later on if he’s planning to parent today, which in hindsight was wrong of me considering I wanted him to go off with the guys so I could drink my martini in peace.

Not like I get much peace with the Chiquita around, but at least I could chat with the girls and sip the toxic Strawberry Shortcake martini my friend made while the Chiquita plays in the baby pool and without my husband giving me that ‘Are we gonna go soon?’ look.

Hubs isn’t a social butterfly.

But, back to the Chiquita, who decides she’s done in the baby pool. She walks to the patio door. Someone lets her inside.

I jump up thinking what is this kid doing?  I go inside and ask her what’s up.

“Eat!” She responds, like she hasn’t eaten enough all day, but my kid like me is a chip addict. Chip as in potato chip, yes another Bad Mom topic for you how I let my kid eat potato chips and Dunkin Munchkins.

“Eat! Eat!” She says and is walking through my friend’s kitchen.

I look down and omg she is dripping water ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I try to get her to stop moving and stand still as I’m trying to wipe up the floor, remove her bathing suit bottoms and meanwhile she is confused pointing to the food and saying, “Eat!”

She has no idea that she’s dripping water; even though I’m telling her – sort of even yelling at her – “Stop moving! You’re dripping water all over the place!”

Well, I mean, I told her to stop.  What does she do?  She stops.  And she plops down on the floor. BAM! Sure enough her water logged diaper explodes on the floor.

Do yourself a favor and get these!!

O-M-G.

Meanwhile my friend’s family is all sitting around watching this unfold as I’m slowly unraveling.  Really?  Really? I think.

I’m looking outside the patio door praying that my husband has come back, but no, he’s off … somewhere…having fun … and here I am having to attend to this mess of an exploded diaper, a wet child, a hungry child AND having everyone staring at me.  At my bad parenting and the mess I’m making all over my friend’s house in the middle of her daughter’s 1st birthday party. Ohmigosh, we are ruining everything.

Now, this I’m sure isn’t what anyone was thinking…but in the moment this is what I’m thinking they are thinking, and I’m feeling anxiety about the whole thing so my brain is starting to envision the worst.

The situation was quickly rectified – Chiquita changed and fed (again), the mess cleaned up, and we are back outside hanging out with the girls, sipping cocktails, and yes, eating more chips.

The Chiquita…such an angel!

I’m telling a gal how during this whole debacle I’m getting really flustered.  On top of it, friend’s brother is yelling out, “It’s OK, she’s just a spaz,” like yeah I am, but thanks, do you really need to yell that to your entire family while I’m on my hands and knees cleaning up diaper mess off the hardwood floor?  This is embarrassing enough.

I suppose with the anxiety, the embarrassment and the buzz I did look like a basket case and friend’s brother-in-law says in all seriousness, “Wow, you need medication.”

IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE FAMILY!

“I’m ON medication,” I yell back, now losing any shred of dignity I was still holding on to.

So this gal hearing the dramatic tale says, “I don’t understand why you’re getting so flustered, it’s not that big of a deal.”

“I don’t know.” I’m trying to explain it to her.

I mean, how do you explain your craziness to someone? Like have a camera follow me around and then watch it on TV in your pjs and you’ll totes get it while you’re sipping your wine and laughing at me!

This is what I want to tell her, but I know she’s asking out of genuine concern, and not in a judgy sort of way.  She’s honestly confused why I get like this.

Finally after going back and forth we get it out of me.

“I don’t want to be a bad mom!”

I am old school, and I have many complaints about things that parents do, like why do you let your children run around the store? Don’t you tell them “This isn’t a playground, it’s the store! Stop running around!”? That’s what my Italian mom yelled at me.

Along with don’t talk back, respect your elders, do unto others as you want them to do unto you, were you raised in a barn…and a barrage of other things that I don’t always see kids doing nowadays.  And I guess I am being a bit judgmental of parents nowadays which I suppose isn’t really my place. I mean, I’m a mess enough right?

But, because I’m looking at other kids and wondering why in the hell they are behaving this way I’m assuming that all other people are looking at me and thinking the same thing.

I Don’t Want to Be a Bad Mom.

Gal says something so interesting to me that it’s been sitting with me for days now.

“Don’t you think if you keep putting this “Bad Mom” vibe out into the universe you’re somehow willing it to be? Giving other people the chance to think it?”

Wow.

That’s a really interesting perspective.  Maybe only a perspective you get after a couple martinis.  Or maybe she’s just really smart?

She continues, “It’s kind of like with my weight. If I keep saying to people that I’m overweight it’s bringing attention to my weight rather than just me liking me for me and not worrying about it.”

Wow.

This is genius. So very profound.

I started this Bad Mom section on my website to be funny and to poke fun at myself and to give moms something to laugh about. We’re all making mistakes and we’re all doing the best that we can.

But, is this teasing myself hurting my self-esteem a bit? Am I taking it all too serious in thinking that I actually AM a bad mom instead of just laughing at the little things?

Maybe so.  I’m going to work on not calling myself a bad mom anymore. But, I will continue to bring you Bad Mom stories because I think we all need to learn to laugh at ourselves once in a while. How else do we stay sane? I haven’t gotten any bad mom stories lately…what are your bad mom stories? Email me at jlee5879@live.com.

There’s No City Like New York City!

20 Jun

As a 20-something watching Sex and the City I thought New York seemed sooo cool.  I envied everything Carrie was that I wasn’t….a writer, a free-spirit, a keen fashion sense, the hot and wealthy boyfriend (Big, hello!), the sexual trysts….I missed the boat.

I was the good-girl who graduated from college, got in a committed relationship, bought a condo, and became an office manager.

Snooze.

And now here I sit and wonder…my 20s breezed by, and now I am a full-time office manager, a mom, a wife….I wonder what I might have been. The dream of New York and writing was gone.

I guess I never thought I would visit New York. I never thought I would be a writer. And then one day I started this blog. I started to write, and I never felt so alive. I’ve never known more of who I am. I am a writer.

Yes, I’m still a mom. Yes, I’m still a wife. And yes, lol, I’m still an office manager. But I am also…A writer….I love how that sounds.

So people have started to take notice of Jlee’s Blog, and I’m not bragging about this, but rather I am sooo grateful for all who spend a little time in my head on any given day, and I was invited to New York City to attend an exclusive Mommy Blogger Event.

I desperately wanted to go, and if you read my post Fear you already know the story. If you didn’t read Fear, click here to read it. Otherwise, [spoiler] I WENT!

Two days before I was to leave on a Southwest flight to LaGuardia I had major anxiety going on. MAJOR. For one, I was at work completely hung over. I know, we’ve discussed this before. I use drinking as a coping mechanism for managing my stress. So the night before at bowling I got hammered. Oops. Hubs was not happy. For two, I was having major regrets about booking this trip. This is crazy! What am I thinking going to NYC by myself?

I’ve got my mom in my ear like a little bird going…. “People make up events like this all the time and then when you show up they do things to you!”

Yeah, she said that for realz. And “who” does this, seriously? I think she made it up.

I’m like, “Mom, it’s fine.” But, somewhere deep inside I guess I was like, what am I doing? I barely even leave DuPage County, the county that I was born and raised in, let alone the state, and now I’m going to NYC by myself?

I tried to bail. I tried soo hard to find any reason to bail. What will I tell my blog readers? That I just decided not to go? That something “came up”? But, I can’t lie to you. And how will I tell them the truth, that I simply was scared to go?

***
Two days later Hubs drops me off at Midway Airport. Big girl pants, big girl pants, big girl pants….

I board the plane and sit next to two normal peeps, one of whom gave me some Advil, which I desperately needed to ease my pounding headache. I ordered a Bloody Mary stat, sat back and slurped that sucker down. It was the best Bloody Mary ever! Side note, omg, I finally like Bloody Mary’s! It took a while, but right now I’m currently obsessed with Ditka’s Kick Ass Bloody Mary Mix…yum!

I land at LaGuardia at 11:30 pm. I grab a cab and head to my hotel, The Chelsea Inn, which is on 5th Avenue and 17th Street. I was a little nervous about the hotel (also discussed in Fear), and when I got there it lived up to everything I imagined it would be.

I walked into the room and wondered if I will be murdered in this hotel. And so begins my stay in New York City.

The next morning I wake up bright and early, but also exhausted 1, from the past days (multiple days and subsequent hangover) anxiety about this trip and 2, because sleeping was difficult due to subpoint (a) the fact that my room was next to a nightclub with music blaring until 3 in the morning and subpoint (b) I was certain I was going to be murdered.

I wanted to throw up just being in the room because it seriously creeped me out, so I go out for iced coffee. I stand on the steps to the outside and think: I can’t walk off this stoop. I just can’t.

Even though I only need to walk next door, yes, seriously, to the door right next door, because we get coffee coupons from The Chelsea Inn. So I go next door to get a banana and an iced coffee, then I walk back next door and sit on the stoop watching the traffic drive by. People honking…

I tell myself, what am I going to do? Sit here all day? No, I made a ton of plans of what I wanted to do, and I have to do something!

I go back to my room to take a shower and while in the shower search for that peep-hole, but there wasn’t one, phew, at least not one that I found. I showered in my flip-flops like I was back in college and then refused to set anything on the floor…just in case.

Now let me talk up The Chelsea Inn here…I think it’s safe to say that I’m a little high maintenance. I made the decision to stay at that hotel based on the location and then the price. I knew that I wasn’t getting The Peninsula at the price I was paying, and I was OK with that.

The Chelsea Inn ended up being a very nice and quaint place, and I would definitely stay there again. My only beef was that it was crazy small….but I was told that all New York hotel rooms are extremely tiny, and that’s New York baby!

Also, the staff at The Chelsea Inn were all extremely friendly and helpful, and I found out that it is in a very safe neighborhood as well as being a very safe place to stay. The second night I was able to sleep a little better despite the loud music. At least I knew I wasn’t going to get murdered. Bed bugs I wasn’t so sure about…so I slept on top of the covers.

What else did I do?

- Juicy Couture on 5th Ave!!!! Yes, the Mothership called to me, and I just HAD to go to Juicy Couture. I was not disappointed by the two-story entrance, the chandelier, and the helpful team! Unfortunately I didn’t make a purchase, but I was planning to, and nothing caught my eye. Don’t worry though, I bought a new Juicy Couture purse and wallet today (a belated b-day present)! I ended up wandering around Juicy Couture for about an hour just amazed at all there was to see.

- Lunch! You know I went with a slice of New York pizza and I was not disappointed. It was cheese and meatball and was absolutely delicious. I wish I took a picture!

- Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum! I am obsessed with wax museums, and I once went to Madame Tussaud’s in Vegas. I just had to check out Madame Tussaud’s in Times Square!  Ohmigosh, it was amazing! But, no, my future BFF Guiliana Rancic is not at Madame Tussaud’s Times Square. Wtf, I was really hopeful that she was so I could take a pic with her for my BFF picture frame. I got a pic with Kim K. instead…

Very cool…but I would have died if it was my future BFF G!

OMG, Wills and Kate…gorg!

- Then to walk around Times Square, which was A-Maze-Ing! There was such a vibe there, and it was completely intoxicating. The crowds, the lights, the noises….the PEOPLE. And I’m someone who doesn’t like people, but I could have walked through Times Square for hours just watching people. Wow, it was incredible. I honestly can’t even put into words how truly exciting it was.

- I walked to Times Scare, which I was really anxious to check out, but they were closed until 5 pm so hopefully next time I can hit that place up. I love haunted houses – and bars – so what’s better than a haunted house with 3 bars and a magic show?

- Central Park! Central Park was a must so I ended up having a bike cabby ride me the 14 blocks to 60th St. because I had been walking all day. I refused to spend money on cabs and figured walking was better for my figure anyways. Central Park was beautiful! It was so big and peaceful. I wish I could have taken a tour through it. I didn’t walk too far in because I knew I had to walk all the way back to 17th St., and I was afraid my legs would give out of exhaustion. I just hung out in the park for a little bit and then decided to make the walk back down 5th Ave.

Me in Central Park!!

- I went to a couple souvenir shops looking for misc. items for the Chiquita and my bonus daughters, and I watched a street performer. It was the best feeling in the world having nowhere to be and operating on my own schedule. I could do anything I wanted at any time for as long as I wanted!

- The Museum of Sex! The Museum of Sex was so crazy and so interesting and so worth it! Here are some pics!

- After the Museum of Sex I was completely wiped out. I ended up at Mesa Grill  for dinner by myself. It’s the first time I’ve ever dined by myself at a restaurant and it was extremely enjoyable. I had the best beer I’ve ever had; I wish I could remember the name, it is a New York specialty! I enjoyed my yummy Sixteen Spice Chicken Skewers and side of mashed potatoes for dinner, but like RPM Italian the serving size was quite small. Maybe they could have done without that enormous piece of lettuce and taken $1 off of the menu price???

For realz…do they think I’m going to eat the lettuce?

The next day Susannah Collins picked me up at The Chelsea Inn and we headed to NYC’s The Party Loft for the Mommy Blogger Event – the petiteBox launch party. Special post on that next!

After the event Sooz took me to lunch which I talk about in #1 Deep Thoughts. We had a great lunch, some great deep thoughts and many laughs. And many glasses of wine.

I completely forgot about Dash New York in SoHo, and Sooz and I decided we had to go check it out! I had shown her my picture with Kim K. at Madame Tussaud’s, which is what got us talking about Dash. OMG, yes, we have to go check out Dash.

We walked (yes, more walking, which was good after that lunch and wine) to SoHo to check it out, and it is with a heavy heart that I tell you I give Dash an F. Yes, a big F for fail! We were both extremely disappointed with the Dash store. It is nothing special. It is basically a room with a bunch of racks and it kind of reminded me of goodwill. After watching Kourtney and Kim Take New York I was very disappointed to find that this is their finished product.

Sooz and I both agreed it was blah. The clothes sucked, too, and were very expensive for how ugly they were! The Kardashian Kollection at Sears is way better than the way overpriced clothing they have for sale at Dash. Maybe other Dash locations are better, but not NYC!

After Dash Sooz and I walked around SoHo a bit longer, got stuck in a major downpour and then Sooz helped me catch a cab (actually got the cab FOR me, after we were rudely insulted by a gay guy—I guess he didn’t read My Office Crush is Gay) back to LaGuardia where I was lucky enough to sit for FOUR hours waiting for my flight. AND the food at LaGuardia SUCKS!

All in all though it was a perfect trip! And I DID IT! I had the best time, and can’t wait to go back to New York again for more adventures…like the Statue of Liberty, the 9-11 Memorial, the Empire State Building, a Sex and the City tour (um…totally didn’t know they have that!), one night at a killer nightclub dancing on the bar, Times Scare and maybe the ferry over to Staten Island to check out the good ‘ol Mob Wives….

Who’s in?!?

5 Days of Insanity

6 Apr

One morning in early March as I was getting ready for work, I noticed that I was having a hard time pulling up my skinny jeans.  Hmm…must be because I just washed them, you know, jeans shrink in the dryer!

About a week later I was pulling on another pair of jeans, and I could barely button those suckers up.  Hmmm…must be because I’m getting my period!

****

I got an email from Groupon – it was Groupon “Spring Break” deals.  The very first item on the list was a 5-Day Juice Cleanse from A Choice For Life, a Holistic Wellness Center in Chicago.

I’ve heard mixed reviews on cleanses – some people describe them as a great way to lose 5 – 10 lbs. and others think they are risky and dangerous.

I was feeling desperate though because my pants were getting tighter and tighter, and while I was attempting to eat better and workout I have to admit I wasn’t doing a very good job at it.

The cleanse cost $35 [on Groupon].  I figured it was worth a shot, for $35, why not?  I’ve never done a cleanse before, and I honestly didn’t even know if I had the willpower to go through with it.  I thought it was a good challenge for me as well.  I’ve been eating poorly and drinking too much wine, let’s clean out the tank and start fresh!  You know, some spring cleaning so to speak.

I purchase the cleanse and wait about a week for it to arrive in the mail.  I received the cleanse on St. Patrick’s Day and excitedly ripped the package open.  Inside is a [large] tea bag, a protein pack, and two sheets of paper.

I have the 5 Day Detoxification Program, Fresh Fruit & 100% Juice.

Detoxification is the removal of toxins, acid, mucus and poisons that have invaded your major organs such as the liver, kidneys, spleen, colon, brain, skin, eyes and blood system.

Well holy crap!

Step 1: Twice daily drink 12 oz. of the herbal detox tea in the morning and in the evening.  CHECK.

Step 2: Drink 6 oz. of the protein drink in the morning immediately following the herbal detox tea.  CHECK.

Step 3: All Day, eat fresh fruit and drink 100% fruit juices.  No meat, dairy, bread, pasta.  Eat only fruit.  All you can eat.

Well shit, look at this.  I can eat as much fruit as I want!  I can totes handle this.  No problem!  CHECK.

Step 4: Drink at least 64 oz. of 100% fruit juices on the days shown below.  Also drink 3-4 glasses of water.  CHECK.

Day 1: Sunday

I begin my cleanse on Sunday, March 18th.  I wake up starving at 7:30 am.  I am dying for an iced coffee, like seriously dying.

I drink my tea and protein shake.  By the way, 6 oz. is like nothing.

Not bad, but afterwards I’m still starving which I don’t quite understand because on any given day I don’t usually eat breakfast until about 9 am.  Am I this starving because I know I can’t eat?

Around 10 am I can’t take it anymore.  I need to go to the store and buy fruit and also the fruit juice I need to drink for the next 5 days.

Not to mention I decide I HAVE to get an iced coffee, but I will get it with skim milk and easy sugar.  I mean, that’s better than the way I usually drink it?  And I got a small instead of a large.

This coffee is terrible.  It’s amazing how good coffee tastes with tons of cream and tons of sugar. It’s like dessert.

Day 1 is apple juice.  I love apple juice.  As I’m eating my freshly purchased fruit my stomach is starting to kill me.  Fruit is like really sweet, and I’m gagging trying to eat it all.  I ate strawberries and grapes.  I’d honestly rather starve.  I don’t eat anymore fruit today.

I drink almost the entire 64 oz. (that’s a whole bottle!) of apple juice.  I feel disgusting.

As the day goes on I am very weak.  I am also very bitchy.

We take the Chiquita to the park, and as I’m standing there I feel like I’m going to fall over.  I wasn’t sure if I could even make the walk home.  I’ve seriously never been so hungry in my entire life.

It doesn’t help that it happens to be an 80 degree day in March in Chicago, and my husband wants to go to Dairy Queen.  Gee thanks.

I go to bed and dream about food.

I have 4 more days of this?

Day 2: Monday

At least I have to go to work today so I won’t be sitting at home all day wishing I could eat.  This is probably the first Monday in the history of my life that I’m excited to go to work.

I drink another small iced coffee with skim milk and easy sugar.

My choice for juice today is 100% organic lemonade or to squeeze 6-8 fresh lemons and mix with 64 oz. of water.  Because I don’t like lemonade (unless it’s mixed with vodka) I do the lemon water.  This was actually not bad, and I finished the 64 oz.  Yayy me!

I also pretended that I was a POW, and I was being starved to death by evil Nazi’s.  I can’t fold, I kept telling myself.  I must stay strong!

As weird as it sounds the POW reference keeps me strong and focused.  I do really well today.  3 more days to go, I can do this!

Day 3: Tuesday

I don’t do as well today.

My juice today is a choice of 100% papaya or 100% white grapefruit juice.  I don’t like grapefruits or grapefruit juice so I go to two different stores searching for papaya juice.  Naturally I can’t find it so I have to buy the grapefruit juice.  It’s no fun drinking a juice that you actually hate.  I only drink half the bottle.

I eat watermelon and cantaloupe today, and again I don’t eat nearly enough fruit because it is making my stomach sooo sick.

I have a handful of almonds.

This POMOW (Prisoner of my Own War) is starting to go a little crazy.  I’m soooo hungry.  I can’t even think straight.

I go to bed and dream about food.

Day 4: Wednesday

I’m gonna die.

I can’t do this for two more days.  I just can’t!  I’m starving.  Why am I doing this again?  Why am I practically starving myself?  Is this even normal?

At least today I get to drink 100% cranberry juice, 100% grape juice or 100% pineapple juice.  I opt for the grape juice because I’m a huge fan of grape juice.

I drink almost the entire bottle of grape juice.  I eat some kiwi and some pears.

I text my friend that I can’t do it anymore.  She texts me back BGP (Big Girl Pants from post Ramblings of a Single Mama).

I eat a handful of sunflower kernels and chug a bottle of water.  I sit at my desk and imagine this is what Kate Moss feels like.  I stare at my computer.

Eating is wayyyy overrated.

My bosses have to repeat things to me multiple times today because as they talk to me I stare at them with a blank face.

I text my mom that I’m dying.  She responds: Why are you doing this, Jennifer?

Must.  Eat.  Food.

Day 5: Thursday

I have made it through this cleanse starving myself for the past 4 days.  I feel near death.

My boss says, “You look like a wreck!” (Now there’s a compliment?) “You really don’t look so good today.  I’m starting to get worried.  When is this insanity over with?”

“Today is my last day,” I tell him, as I rub my stomach, which is growling.

Day 5 you have the joy of drinking 64 oz. of prune juice.  I drank half the bottle of prune juice, and I spent about half my day in the bathroom.  Having diarrhea.  In a public bathroom at my work.  It was disgusting and embarrassing.

It was like “ShitBreak” from American Pie.  I was embarrassed to come out of the bathroom stall because the stuff that was coming out of me was some funkyyyyy shit!

O-M-G. That's all I got.

I am the biggest bitch ever today, and I feel like I’m going to fall over at any given second.  I truly have not one ounce of energy.  I wonder what I’m doing to my body.  I kind of even wonder if I will live.

I’m in a lot of pain now.  My head hurts, my stomach hurts, my legs hurt…..sorry, tmi, but my butt hurts, too.

My husband tells me my skin looks yellow and begs me to eat.  I end up eating a small salad because I truly can’t eat any more fruit and I truly can’t stop going #2.

Then Husband tells me how I failed my mission because I ate said salad.  I wanted to kill him.  I sat at the table and yelled at him about how I was starving myself for 5 days for him, damn it, and couldn’t he appreciate it and tell me good job instead of telling me I failed?

He tells me I’m wayyy overreacting and it’s probably because I’m hungry.  I give him a death stare. He shuts the fuck up.

I go to bed and dream about food.

Day 6: Friday

I stop at Dunkin Donuts in the morning for an iced coffee.  Even though I get a large with cream and sugar, I do say easy cream and easy sugar.

I feel proud of myself.  I DID IT! Sort of.  I know I cheated here and there, but in my opinion I succeeded.

I basically didn’t eat for 5 days.
I ended up losing 5 pounds.
Would I say it was worth it?  Yes.
Would I do it again?  No.

I don’t recommend it.  I’m going to make sure I stick to working out and eating right.  My weight will fluctuate, and that’s OK, but instead of going to extreme measures I will remind myself what I went through as a POMOW.  I don’t think I could survive this again.  I don’t think my marriage would survive this again.

For those of you crazy enough to read this and think you STILL would want to try it here is the information you need:

A Choice For Life, Holistic Wellness Center
10650 S. Western Ave.
Chicago, IL 60643
(773) 239-7740
www.AChoice4Life.com

What extreme diets have you done to try to lose weight?

Ramblings of a Single Mama

8 Mar

Last weekend my husband and his brother took a guy’s trip to spend time with my father-in-law who was recently widowed.  I have to admit I was sort of excited that he was leaving.  The house all to myself.  I can watch Pretty Little Liars without his “this show is so stupid” in my ear.  Yayyy

I guess I didn’t have the house all to myself though, I mean, obvi I had the Chiquita.  It’s not like I got rid of her for the weekend.  I was sort of excited to spend some quality time just me and my girl, but I have to be honest that I was also a bit nervous about it.

I’m very fortunate that my husband is very helpful with our daughter and around the house.  I often complain very dramatically, “Do I have to do everything around here???”  And while some days it does feel that way (who does the laundry, feeds the cats, packs the Chiquita’s diaper bag, etc.) I do know that I’m very lucky.  I do know that some men come home from work, sit their asses on the couch and don’t do shit all night expecting their wives to serve them dinner on a silver platter.

I’ll tell you one thing.  That shit ain’t happening in my house.  While I do take care of my husband in some ways (I always have his clean clothes folded neatly on the bed) I certainly expect that he helps me around the house and with the baby, as I work full time, too, and am also tired after a long day at the office.

So hubs leaves Friday afternoon.  I pick up the Chiquita after work, and I make plans with my bonus daughters to come over for pizza and girl talk.  After the girls leave I decide to stay up late on the couch watching TV. I never do this.  I always go to bed early and in my bed.  I ended up falling asleep on the couch and waking up at 2 am freezing, a cat’s ass in my face and a serious kink in my neck.

The Chiquita is up at 6 am, which like never happens.  Seriously?  I make her lay in bed until 7 because there is no way I’m getting up at work time on a Saturday.  Sorry girl!  I could hear her talking to herself in her crib so I laid in bed for another hour, fighting a pounding headache and a runny nose.

Not sure if I was hung over or if I was fighting a cold, but I get girlfriend up at 7.  I give her a bottle and jump in shower hoping that she’ll sit on the couch and watch TV quietly.  No such luck, she’s in the bathroom on top of me for the entire time I’m trying to get ready – Bad Mom post on that coming later.

My mom shows up at 9:50 am. We had planned to go the mall, and I wanted to get there nice and early so we could get a coffee, get a good parking spot and tire out the Chiquita so she’d take a nice long afternoon nap.  When my mom showed up I felt terrible because I wasn’t ready.  For one I had the Chiquita up my ass since 7 am and for two I hadn’t had my iced coffee yet so I was moving in turtle time.

We finally get to the mall and the Easter bunny is there.  I’ve always hated the Easter bunny.  I don’t know why, I just have.  He’s like a wannabe Santa Claus or something, and as a kid I was just like, the Easter bunny is soooo gayyy. I also hated looking for eggs.  I thought it was the dumbest thing ever.  My mom’s all excited, “We have to get Eva’s picture taken with the Easter bunny!”

I say, “Mom, I just don’t feel that today is the day.  I mean, look at us.  I look like a mess, Eva looks like a mess.  We’re just not our best selves today.”

We finally get our coffee from Dunkin Donuts (yes, there’s one in the mall!), and I start sipping that sucker down like it’s a vodka/soda on a [childless] Saturday night.

“You have to get over this perfection thing,” my mom says. “Who cares if Eva isn’t her normal cute self?  This is what she looks like today, that’s what matters.  You’ll look back on the picture some day and remember what that day was.”

I know she is right so I agree to the picture.  Of course there’s noooo line. This is probably the only time EVER in the history of Jlee’s Blog that I’ve hoped for just a small line to have a second to regroup.  We walk up, and I am like so flustered because I have to pick my picture package, fix Chiquita’s hair, I’m trying to drink my coffee, my purse is falling off my shoulder….I’m totally a mess right now, and my mom is grabbing the stroller as I’m dancing around the bunny’s lair like an idiot.

“Move your hand, mom!” They tell me, while we’re trying to get girlfriend to smile, and she just was not having it.  Then the tears came.  I would have let her sit there crying and had them snap a picture, but my mom is like, “You better go get her!” [with a like-duhhhh tone]

Geez…she’s not going to die!

I reluctantly go grab her and as we’re reviewing the pictures I’m bummed she’s not looking [at the camera] in any of them.  I don’t want to pay $20 for a picture of the side of her head.  They say I can throw her back on the bunny’s lap.  But as we’re approaching the bunny she was like, Oh hell no.  So, enjoy this picture of me, Chiquita and the Easter bunny:

Chiquita looks less than thrilled

The next day we had brunch with my dad, my stepmom and my siblings for my stepmom’s birthday, and of course I wait until the last minute to get my stepmom a birthday gift.  Chiquita is again up at 6 am, wtf, she usually sleeps until 7:30 on weekends!, and I again shower and get ready for the day with her up my ass and no coffee.

I’m about to DIE.  We get to Dunkin Donuts at 9:50 am so I order an iced coffee, and I give in and buy a munchkin for the Chiquita.  I hand it over to her and she f’ing drops it on the floor.

“What are you doing?” I yell.

She looks at me like she’s completely devastated, but I can also tell she’s sort of blaming me, which I’m like, sorry sister, you’re the one with the slippery fingers.

I’m aggravated now telling her, “We gotta get to Walmart, and all I want to do is drink my iced coffee, but now I gotta pull over to pick up your damn donut!”  Yes, I said damn.  I told you, I need coffee in the morning.

She’s mumbling back at me, probably telling me to STFU and pick up her GD donut.  Yeah, she’s a piece of work.  We pull over at the gas station, and I’m getting eyed by a brother in an old school maroon Cadillac.  I laugh to myself thinking doesn’t he see that I’m the frazzled “single” mom here??? I’m just not appreciating it right now even though normally I don’t care if it’s an 80 year old with a cane; I’m still like suh-weet, someone thinks I’m HOT! :D

So we [finally] make it to Walmart, and I just hate this place.  Hell for me would be being sent to Walmart during rush hour because that place is a friggin’ panic attack waiting to happen.  I’ve almost rammed people with my shopping cart in that place B.C. [before Chiquita], and I actually stopped shopping there for many years.  But, my stepmom loves Walmart so I figure at the very least I can pick up a gift card and she’ll be really happy.

I finally settle on a gift – and some nail polish for me – and we head out of the store.  This is a rare instance when I’m actually going to be on time for something.  I’m getting my bags and Chiquita out of the cart (this was a bad decision because I nearly dropped Chiquita, my coffee, and the present trying to get to the car). Part of her present I wrapped in the car (a candle) and the other part (a big picture) she got in the Walmart shopping bag. Classy.

As we’re walking out of the store a man is waving at us, and I look at him like wtf are you looking at but say to Chiquita, “Wave to the man.”

Side note, am I supposed to do that or should I be teaching her stranger-danger??  The man waves back and must see that I’m eyeing him because he says, “It’s OK, I know your daughter.”

What?!?  How does the Chiquita even know people at Walmart? She’s 1!

I text my mom and say, “Do u know some Indian dude who works at Walmart, cuz he says he knows Eva.”

My mom responds, “What?  No.”

We are the first to arrive at Baker’s Square for my stepmom’s b-day brunch, and did you know that BS serves booze?  I totes didn’t, but when I found out I ordered a mimosa.

Side note, I know it sounds like I’m an alcoholic, but I’m really not.  I just use alcohol as a coping mechanism for managing my stress.  And don’t feel you need to comment on it because that’s what I pay my counselor for, but thank you for your concern.

Brunch is wonderful and we head home around 2 pm, both of us taking 3 hour naps.  We both took 3 hours naps the day before as well.

Hubs usually drops the Chiquita off with my stepmom on Monday morning.  My stepmom lives a little further than my mom so I was worried about getting us both out the door and getting myself to work on time.  I was 8 minutes late, but I made it in one piece and in a decent mood actually sort of excited to be at work.  It’s like I do less work at work.

Hubs was supposed to be heading home Monday afternoon, and I’m getting the feeling he’s up in the air on leaving his dad.  I’m definitely supportive of him spending time with his dad and his bro, but I was sick with a cold, PMSing – or PMDDing really – and was just about at my wit’s end over this whole single mom business.  Truth be told I was exhausted.  And I needed him.  And I missed him, though I didn’t realize it at the time.

At the time I was ready to have a breakdown.  I didn’t think I could handle another night of being a single mom.  I know I only have one kid.  I know several of my friend’s husbands often travel for a week at a time.  I have friends who are single moms.  I don’t know what to say.  At the end I was ashamed that I was about to have a breakdown over this.  I know other people have it so much harder.  I knew I needed to be strong, but I was feeling like I couldn’t do it.

I finally put on my BGP – have I ever mentioned BGP in my blog before?  It’s a phrase my friends and I say to each other when life gets tough.  BGP = Big Girl Pants.  (For instance, my friend texted me that she had anxiety about going to a new yoga class.  I responded, “You can do it, BGP.”)

I finally put on BGP and made it through the night just fine.  I proved to myself that I could survive my weekend as a single mama.  Yayyy

Major props to all you single peeps out there, whether it’s being a single mom/dad or having a traveling hubby.  It sure is tough, so remember BGP, pat yourself on the back and have a glass of wine (or two) to survive manage the stress. :D

P.S. While I write this I’m eating lunch made for me by my wonderful hubby! I had to put that in because if he reads this he’ll say I make him look like an ass who doesn’t do anything around the house. Haha

More pics of weekend fun:

Chiquita riding the train at the mall

Hamming it up at brunch at Bakers Square

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