I know all my bathroom talk is frank – and probably pretty gross – but the fact of the matter is we all go to the bathroom and at some time in our lives we will all be forced to use a public bathroom. Nothing is more annoying than people lacking proper etiquette in this shared space.
For men, you just walk in, whip it out and do your biz in the urinal…obviously God is a man. But, for ladies, this is a bit more of a production.
I work in an office building with a shared public bathroom for all employees in the building. I know some of the ladies from other offices, but others, even though I’ve seen them around I don’t “know” them. This is because they won’t say hello or even acknowledge my presence in the bathroom. WTF? I realize we’re in a bathroom, but when you walk in and I’m washing my hands why can’t you say hello?
This one lady – she makes the effort to look at me every time. And then she gives me a dirty look! It pisses me off! But, I take solace in the fact that not only am I cuter than her, but I’m obviously much nicer as well…
Some other issues I have:
The Tortoise and the Hare – These people drive me INSANE. These are the people that time their bathroom breaks like they are running a marathon. They literally marathon pee – they pee in a minute tops. I’ve never seen anything like it. What is your hurry? I guess I pee more like the Tortoise. I take my time…slow and steady. These people that come in and pee ridiculously fast actually give me anxiety. I don’t want to have to pop a Xanax every time I go to the bathroom because you’re in some crazy race with yourself to be the quickest pee-er in my office building. Congratulations! You took a piss in 49 seconds flat. It’s a new Olympic record.
These speedy pee-ers also cause a ripple effect of other etiquette issues. Let me proceed.
The Sloppy Pee-er – Because you are in such a hurry to pee and exit, you ultimately end up leaving your pee droplets on the toilet seat. This makes me throw up in my mouth every time I walk into the toilet stall. I need to do a thorough inspection of the toilet seat before I can even sit down. I’m amazed at the number of women that can’t seem to handle getting their pee inside the toilet, as opposed to on the seat. Gross, isn’t that what men do? Let’s say most of us in this building are 30-40 years old. We’ve had substantial practice with this; we should be pros by now.
Which brings me to…
The Leave Behind – These people have done one good thing. They’ve managed to not pee on the toilet seat. But, that is because they added two seconds to their marathon time by putting down the paper seat cover. Now I have mixed feelings about the seat cover. I understand its purpose. And it does serve a good purpose. However, it’s just not for me. It makes me uncomfortable. Sort of like a seat belt. It’s there for a good reason – to protect. But, when I wear my seat belt I just end up feeling uncomfortable, I can’t settle in right, my driving is off. That’s exactly how I feel when I sit on a paper toilet seat cover. Then every time I move it crinkles….and then the pee makes a funny sound when it hits the center piece you push through…let’s not even discuss if you have to go #2…
I know, I know! I should wear my seat belt, and I should use a seat cover. But, I don’t. Sue me.
Someone once said to me, “You’re such an anal person it really surprises me that you don’t use the seat cover.”
Yeah, it makes sense. I am one hell of a Type A organized freak, but I don’t know, maybe I’m not as high maintenance as you all think. I can drink beer and burp with the boys!
And, let me say, I fully support those of you that choose to use a seat cover. It is actually more beneficial to me if you use one. So use away…my beef lies solely with those people that in their race to be the fastest pee-er in the building they end up flushing and running (the Flush ‘n’ Run) so quickly that they either a.) don’t notice that the paper cover didn’t go down or b.) they simply don’t care that it didn’t go down.
So, now, when I go into the stall there sits your protective paper cover. Now how is it protecting me if I have to touch your paper cover to flush it down the toilet? Not to mention, sorry, but the thought of putting it in the toilet and then pee-ing on it just grosses me out. (See above, I’m simply not comfortable with that.)
The Sloppy Seconds – These are the people that think just because they are in a public bathroom they don’t need to keep it tidy. They splash water all over the sink, countertop and mirror. They leave toilet paper bunches on the floor. They put on make-up and spill pressed powder all over the countertop and just leave it. They leave long strands of hair on the vanity. They dump out food/drink items in the sink and don’t bother to run the water…which is especially crucial if they dump soup or cereal. There sits the left-over floaties in the sink. I’ve also seen feminine products ON THE FLOOR, and once, I’m not even joking, a needle?!? (We called maintenance in case you’re wondering.) We all know how annoying it can be to clean up after the man in our lives who splashes water every where with no regard for who cleans up after him (one of the Oompa Loompas?) Not to mention hair shavings, which he leaves, splattered about the sink…but that’s another post.
This is not a port-a-potty; this is an f’ing office bathroom. Pretend it is your bathroom and keep it clean! And if you are sloppy, you at least get an A++ for washing your hands. If you’ve ever been in the stall and heard someone leave and not wash their hands (in my case it’s always one of the Flush ‘n’ Runners) you sit and wonder who in the hell that person was? How many hands will they be touching the rest of the day? Could they have forgotten to wash or do they wash at their desk with hand sanitizer – which does NOT cut it.
The Pooper – Obviously at some time in your life you are going to have to go #2 in a public restroom. It’s inevitable – especially in my situation working in an office building with a shared public bathroom for 9 hours/day. I have sympathy for the poopers. But, Poopers, try to have sympathy for those around you. We understand its life and it needs to be done, but very simply DO A COURTESY FLUSH!
The courtesy flush was a suggested add-in by my friend. I’m personally not a huge fan of the courtesy flush. I know where she is coming from, however, doing a courtesy flush on a commercial toilet is just no fun. These toilets are built to flush down bricks!!! The massive amounts of water racing through the toilet bowl inevitably ends up on your ass. You are doing a courtesy flush to be considerate to those other bathroom patrons, but at the same time, you end up hurting yourself! Sorry, I’m selfish. I would rather you smell my stinky poop than have my feces splashing up on my back side. That’s just how I feel about it.
The Space Cadet – Almost as annoying as the Tortoise and the Hare is the Space Cadet pee-er. This special pee-er is truly a joy to be around normally. They are the happy-go-lucky person that always says “Good morning” and always has a smile on their face. But, they are also the annoying person who comes into the bathroom singing and/or whistling every day. My bathroom breaks are my precious personal time during my work day. As I said above, I like to take my time. I like to sit and relax. I do some of my best thinking while on the toilet. I’ve even been known to pray while on the porcelain throne. I realize this may sound odd to some people, but the bathroom is normally a place of solace. It is the one place you can go and be by yourself with your own thoughts – except in public. So, when the happy-go-lucky pee-er comes into the bathroom singing and whistling as I am deep in my own thoughts I feel disrupted. I don’t like to be disrupted while I’m doing my business. This also gives me anxiety. The bathroom is supposed to be a peaceful place. Let’s keep it that way.
The Hanger-Outer – Well, I’m definitely the Hanger-Outer. I like to take my time. I kind of slither in…I pick my stall…I am in no hurry to do my business. I like to sit there for a second and relish in my own thoughts. Now, I have two points with the Hanger-Outer. One thing that annoys me as the Hanger-Outer is when the Flush ‘n’ Runners come in and go even faster because they think I’m the Pooper. No. Just reeeelllaaaaxxx. I can sit in the bathroom and take a time out. It doesn’t mean I’m taking a dump! It’s simply a little “me” time.
But, on the other hand, one of the most annoying pee-ers is the Hanger-Outer. Luckily I have bathroom etiquette so I don’t break the “rules.” The issue with the Hanger-Outer is they never leave. They hang out. They want to blow their nose, check their make-up, brush their teeth, have phone conversations (No, I don’t do that)…which is all fine and dandy, unless you have the Pooper in a stall waiting to do their biz. They’re likely to get a little stage fright if you’re in there just hanging around. In that case, run the water and do your primping as fast as possible. Then get out so the Pooper can poop in peace!
The Almost in my Stall – The Almost in my Stall pee-er is by far the WORST of all of the above offenders!!! You know this person. This is the person that walks into a bathroom and sees 20 empty stalls but still – for some reason unbeknownst to any of us – chooses to enter the stall right next to you.
What the f*ck are you doing?
I will never EVER understand why this pee-er feels the need to pee right next to me? Or worse yet poop? Please understand, I like you. I will say hi to you and talk to you. But, please respect my privacy. Please do not sit in the stall next to me. This offense actually angers me. When I’m sitting in the stall having my “me” time and someone walks in and comes into the stall next to me, you completely distract my attention and you actually raise my blood pressure. Do you want to be responsible for my future heart attack? I start thinking, “What is this person doing?” “Why must this person sit next to me?” “What is this person’s problem?” “Does this person have no bathroom etiquette?” If you’re going to break a rule, I would not choose this one. In my research I find that this is everyone’s MOST annoying offense. Which makes me wonder who is actually committing this faux pas? Hmm…
As with my other posts, I feel the need to be a concerned citizen and to clarify the appropriate bathroom rules. Please respect them so we can all have a more enjoyable experience when using a public restroom.
And P.S., NONE of these rules apply when you are at a venue – like a Cubs game – in that case, it’s every man and woman for themselves!