“I DON’T GIVE A FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!” quote from Chris Tucker as Smokey in Friday. Click on the you-tube link below to watch the 54 sec. clip. 

Smokey clip 

Image courtesy of http://www.noswearing.com


It’s been brought to my attention that I have a bit of a potty mouth.  A bit of?  That’s being nice.  I actually have a disgusting, downright shocking – and sometimes even horrifying – pig of a mouth. 

I know it’s repulsive. 

I know it’s unattractive and un-lady-like. 

But, it’s me.  I like to swear.  Just like smokers like to smoke and drinkers like to drink (well, I do like to drink, too, but another post on that later) I like to swear.  I love it actually.  It makes me happy and tingly inside.  It sends positive endorphins racing through my brain.  

When some bitch cuts me off in traffic I can’t yell “What the heck, you jerk!” 

Oh no. 

I yell (brace yourself), “Learn how to drive you FUUUUUUUUCKING C*NT BITCH!!!” 

Yes, I even use the “C” word.  I told you to brace yourself. 

I don’t make a habit of using the “C” word, though.  That one only comes out for special occasions, for special people.  The word that I use almost as often as “the” or “at” is “fuck.” 

Fuck is by far without a doubt my favorite word in the English language.  This word is truly amazing.  

Note: I tried to come up with these on my own, but this website was too good to pass up.  It’s brilliant.  I give it an A++.  According to http://www.nlpmind.com/fuck.htm :

Using Fuck as a flexible word.

Flexible use of fuck, it is probably the most versatile word in the whole fucking English language.

“Fuck” can be used in many different ways.

  • Noun: I don’t give a fuck.
  • Adjective: Jennifer is organizing the fucking event.
  • Verb: Don’t fuck it up.
  • Transitive verb: Paul fucked Jennifer.
  • Intransitive verb: Jennifer fucks.
  • Part of an adverb: Jennifer organizes too fucking much.
  • Adverb enhancing an adjective: Jennifer is fucking amazing.
  • Part of a word: Fanfuckingtastic! Absofuckinglutely infuckingcredible!

It can even be used as almost every word in a sentence, (although that’s not advised). 

i.e. Fuck it, fucking fuckups, fuck the fucking fuckers. 

Here are some examples of how the word fuck can be used.

  • Aggression: Don’t fuck with me.
  • Amazement: Infuckingcredible!
  • Assurance: Absofuckinglutely.
  • Difficulty: I’m having a fuck of a time with this.
  • Disagreement: Fuck you!
  • Dismay: Fuck it.
  • Dismissal: Fuck off.
  • Fraud: I got fucked on that deal.
  • Incompetence: What a fuckup.
  • Inquiry: What the fuck?
  • Pleasure: Fanfuckingtastic!
  • Satisfaction: Fucking “A” man!
  • Trouble: Now I’m fucked.

When you realize the versatility of this fantastic word, say it with pride. It will immediately reveal the quality of your character and the flexibility of your language skills. 😉 

  Check out more fanfuckingtastic info on language.
It’s absofuckinglutely infuckingcredible!

You’re probably wondering where all this bad language – and this blog post – came from? 

Last weekend, after spuing off a cluster of expletives – to be fair I was telling a very frustrating story – as my husband and I headed to Dunkin Donuts for our morning coffee, he says to me that my potty mouth is bad.  It’s real bad.  It’s actually gotten worse. 

Uh-oh.  Will my future child’s first word be FUCK?  That would be kind of funny, but only for like two minutes.  When my kid goes up to my mother and says, “Give me a fucking cookie, Grandma,” she would beat his ass.  Seriously.  We got soap in our mouths – for saying much less – like “sucker.” 

The exact quote, circa 1989, my brother playing with his army toys yelled, “I’m gonna get you SUUUCCKKER!” 

And there was my mom.  With liquid soap.  It was horrifying.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  The word SUUUCCKKER came out of his mouth in slow motion…my brother’s face read, “Holy shit! I’m gonna be dead meat!”  To be fair, I thought he was gonna be dead meat. 

The second the words escaped his lips it was like Ralphie in A Christmas Story yelling “Ooohhh Fuuuccckkk!” as he dropped the tire lug nuts. (And P.S., if you don’t know what I’m talking about than go rent A Christmas Story because, OMG, it’s the best movie EVER). 

My brother was probably shitting his pants. 

My mom said, “Michael, get over here.”  In that voice.  You know that voice. 

My brother looked at me.  I truly felt for him.  Then my mom proceeded to squirt FOUR squirts of liquid Dial soap in his mouth.  She stood there and yelled, “Swallow!” 

I felt like she was a Nazi drill sergeant.  I wanted to cry. 

My brother swallowed.  Then he hiccupped.  A bubble came out.  

The poor kid. 

Maybe because we weren’t even allowed to say “That sucks” at home and I’m rebellious….or maybe it’s my bad temper and aggressive nature….or maybe, most likely, it’s because I’ve worked in the construction industry for several years.  In construction, saying the word “fuck” is like saying the word “fax” in an office.  It’s just second nature.  It just comes out.  Men, women, subs, inspectors, even the banker – all yelled fuck.  All the time. 

I just got so used to saying it that I can’t stop.  I can censor – around my mom and my Grandma – but that gives me anxiety.  I don’t like to censor.  I am me, take it or leave it.  And that’s what I said to my husband when we were headed to Dunkin Donuts. 

“I said fuck when you married me.  You know who I am.” 

He said, “I know, but this is getting a little out of control.  You say it all the time now.  It’s obnoxious.” 

So even though I HATE being criticized I decided he does have a point.  I DO say it all the time.  I DO over use it.  I DO have a baby on the way. 

With great sadness, I admitted defeat.  I decided it’s time to clean up my potty mouth.  I can still use any other swear word I fancy at any time and under any circumstances, thank God, I simply can not say FUCK.  I started a penny jar.  If I say FUCK (not counting this blog post for goodness sakes!) then I owe the jar a penny. 

I know a penny doesn’t sound like much.  But, that’s precisely how bad my mouth is.  If I did $1.00 I would end up broke!  I started this challenge on Sunday, April 11th.  As of today, Wednesday, April 14th, I have 19 cents in there.  

– I don’t count it if I say it and no one hears it (because then was it really said?)
– I don’t count it if I think it.
– I don’t count it if I write WTF.
– I don’t count it if I’m telling a story and someone else said the “F” word.  I mean, they said it.  I’m just repeating what they said?
– I do count it if I write it an e-mails, except to my BFs, because LORDY, that’s a lot of pennies!
– I do count it if I write it as such: F*ck (I think that one is questionable, personally…) 

SO………wish me luck friends.  I’m doing this for 1 month.  I will update you afterwards with how this challenge went and how much money is in my penny jar.  I will be donating the change to The Ronald McDonald House (http://rmhc.org/), so if you know me and you catch me, feel free to call me out on it!  I may tell you to fuck off but then there’s another penny for the children.