I Want a Divorce [Drama]

 

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You’re not healthy for me, and you know it.  I try to push you away.  You repeatedly creep back in and say you’re here to stay. 

Like the mold in my shower I keep scrubbing away.  Scrubbing you out of my tomorrow and today.  The harder I scrub, the harder it is to resist you.  I can’t get cleansed of you and the more wrinkled and bloody my hands become.  The toxic products destroy my skin, but also my lungs,  as I breathe you in.

I know you’re harmful to me, you’re toxic, but like you’re my drug addiction I can’t stop you.  I can’t fight it.  You are always there.  You enter my body and poison my veins.  Like a river you flow through me, and now I don’t care.  You tingle through my arms, my legs and my feet…I can taste you on my lips and boy do you taste sweet.

You reach my heart and slowly squeeze it.  I’m suffocating; I need air.  I look in the mirror and see the damage you have done, though I’m still here.  My heart is broken and weak, do you see me suffering?  My eyes are empty and pleading; but you will slowly kill me.

“God help me!”  I cry out.  I plead with him, please!  I will do anything, God, just make me free.  He listens, but not for long….because you slither back in.  You follow me throughout my day and into the eve.  You’re the nightmare I can’t break free from; you’re with me every night.  I wake up in a cold sweat, thinking of you and pining for you, but dreading the light.

You don’t know how not to wound me.  And you don’t care when you do.  You take over my mind and my body and bounce me like a yo-yo.  You watch me whither away until I resign my soul to you.  I am a robot wandering aimlessly about and you have the remote control.

You exhaust me and frustrate me and anger me, too.  Can’t you see that I’m tired and sick without you?  I’m just exhausted of the lies and pain that you’ve caused.   I can’t take this anymore.  I want a divorce from you.  I want to be away from you and never see your face again.  I want to – need to – break free of your powers I’ve been trapped in. 

But I don’t seem to know how.  I can’t get away from you!  No matter how hard I try to leave you, you come find me and fight.  You carry me back in, and without you I might die.  No matter how much wine I drink to numb me, I still wake up cold, alone and empty.  Sober I am your puppet and you run the show.  My puppet master, you will operate me while I fight for my life.  When I’m drunk I don’t  fear you, but crave your bite.

Stop!  Just stop the madness, I plead!  But you don’t and you won’t, why don’t you see?  Like a vampire you bite me and suck more blood from me.  You let me lay close to death, and then you breathe air in my lungs.  Just then, my eyes open, and I see you standing there.  I look you in the face and don’t feel withdrawn or angry, my memory erased.  I’m happy to see you.  You make me feel alive and well again.  I can breathe!  Oh how I’ve missed you.  Oh how I need you by my side.

And then you suck the air from my lungs again, leaving me drained and helpless with only my jumbled thoughts and fear.  I break into tears and you lick my face clean.  The tears keep flowing from my eyes and you watch me weep .  I’m drowning in a river of sorror and pain.  Help me please!  You throw me a rope, and you rescue me. 

There I lay begging you to wrap your warm arms around me.  You smile at me like the Cheshire cat and disappear into thin air.  I’m alone and crying.  Where did you go?  Why did you leave me again?  Come back for me.  Please.

Then you reappear with a soft voice telling me to follow you here…follow you through the woods and out of this nightmare.  We can wake up in Wonderland, together you and me.  But, your voice is getting fainter and again you leave me.  I can’t hear you anymore!  Wait up.  Wait for me!  And you’re gone again, forcing me to finally see.

I twirl around in circles; my arms stretched out wide.  I’m spinning and spinning, you’re no longer by my side.  I’m dizzy and falling, and the rain pours down.  My long black hair rinses clean, and I am back to me, back to blonde and free of you.  I’m looking in the mirror again – at me, at me smiling, and blonde, and tan and pretty.  And you startle me.  There I see you just behind me.  You smile at me, reminding me you will always be just behind the curtain, you will wait to reappear and throw me off balance from my life.  Reminding me you will come back for me; this will never be done,  no matter how far I run and hide, no matter what color my hair, no matter drunk or sober, you will still be there.  You whisk me up and will sweep me away, against all my efforts to be still, to stay. 

I follow you down the dark damp hole.  I hear drip…drip….and I’m looking everywhere, where did you go?  You tell me left, I look right, you tell me right, I look left.  I’m so confused, let’s end this right.  I want a divorce, drama, that’s what I need. Please, drama, grant me the divorce I need.  I beg of you let me break free, give me this opportunity.  But you don’t.  You won’t.  You never will. 

You breathe me in and suffocate me.  I gasp for air.  You take away my fears and then disappear.  You leave me scared and alone, down deep in the hole.  I try to crawl out towards the light.  Just a few more steps to go, I can no longer fight, drama. 

Free me of these silly games, I don’t deserve to suffer this way.  Thank you fear and violence, and disillusionment and hope; thank you sadness and laughter, and anguish and faith.  Thank you drama, can you hear?  For without you I have no confidence to stay…. I want a divorce….drama, please, just allow me to be.  Drama…please let me go….I am broken and alone.

11 thoughts on “I Want a Divorce [Drama]

  1. Jen,
    Never had a chance to respond to this on your page, but you already know that I think you are a fantastic writer. This is one of the best pieces I have ever read ever, and evoked some true emotions. Regardless, of WHATEVER drama we are all facing in our lives, the feeling is mutual. No matter how strong of a woman we THINK we are, we ALL have our breaking points. We all have our days where we want to cry, drink, yell, or throw things in an effort to make the drama go away. We, as women, as people, are not perfect…but to know that others face the same or similar obstacles that we have makes us feel perfect, or at least normal again. Keep writing Jen…and hopefully with the mentality that what you are writing will inspire others and not worry about who you are going to offend. Until you walk in the shoes of someone elses drama, you can’t judge the feelings they have…and that is the one thing your writing conveys.

    Jess
    🙂

  2. Yes, I am a mother. No I didnt have PPD. No, I have never come on here and criticized you in the past, that last comment was my first. No, of course my life isnt perfect but I dont post my life on the internet for people to judge. I was just giving my opinion and I am sorry that I apparently misunderstood the meaning of this post. Im glad to hear that you are getting the help that you needed and I wish you best. Keep up the writing, you definitely write in a way that sparks emotion.

    Sharon C

    1. Sharon, thank you for the note. I was not upset by your post. I certainly don’t like it when people don’t like me, but I do realize that I put myself out there and not everyone will agree with me. I’m very honored when someone takes the time out of their day to tell me how they feel about something. Sure at times I’m a bit facetious, but for the most part I put my true self out there, and I appreciate when my readers do the same. Thank you again, and I wish you the best as well.
      ~ Jlee

  3. Hi Sharon, I like that you read jens blog, but I also think that it is easier to criticize, Im sure when you go to church on sunday, if you even go, and say a few hail mary’s that it makes everything you do bad or good ok, unless you are a born again then your perfect, everything you say or do is the right thing, Oh how I wish that I could be you! by the way why dont you just show your true colors and stop hiding behind this fake name. I think that this is the second time you have written something negative and please keep writing so I can narrow down your true identity. thanks your watcher BRETT love ya

  4. @ Sharon

    I could not agree with Kari more. Not to be rude (guess it doesn’t really matter considering the remarks you made) but you just sound like a miserable bitch. 🙂

  5. Wow, you have some real issues. Doesnt seem like you got that help you needed since your last blog. Im sure you’ll delete this or wont post it if you have that power but i just wanted to say that based on your blogs it seems like you choose wine over family. Seems like you and drama are one, so start thinking about not just yourself and that drama will go away.

    1. Hi Sharon,
      Thank you for reading and commenting on my blog. I’m sorry that you don’t understand that post partum depression is a very serious condition. I am happy to report that I have gotten the help I needed and am doing much better since this post. I’m currently working on a new blog post so I hope you will check back!

    2. @Sharon, I would like a bit of information about you. Are you a mother?
      It seems that you continue to read Jen’s blog just to criticize her actions and feelings. Based on your replies I am assuming that you are the type that appears all put together. Your kids are perfect, your marriage is perfect, you always put family above your own needs and apparently you do not drink.

      People that like to appear that their lives are perfect are actually not perfect at all. Jen is very brave to post her feelings and thoughts while going through a tough time. She has a real disease on top of serious complications from the birth of her beautiful daughter. Jen was brave enough to go get help HERSELF and she is not afraid to show her weaknesses nor admit that she is not perfect. You on the other hand seem like the type that walks around with a stick up her ass all day long. Maybe a bit of wine would help…..

      Love you cuz;)

  6. That was VERY powerful and very good. I’m sorry you feel this way. GET RID OF THE DRAMA! Good start, Jen!!!

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