So I got busted. Totally busted this morning. Like I get the asshole of the year award.
Damn it, I hate when I’m the one who gets the asshole award! It’s normally everybody else who’s the asshole. But, yes, on occasion, albeit very rarely, I, too, am the asshole.
And today I was.
I have to rewind back to when I was pregs, and I lost my shit over the parking situation at work. Remember my blog post titled, “The Parking Attendant?” If you don’t, click here to read it.
Very briefly though, at my work at Fifth Avenue Station in Naperville we have a parking lot in front of the building. However, employees are supposed to park across the street. I would get very annoyed when the attorney bitches would park in the front lot in their brand new Lexus because they are too fucking lazy to walk across the street.
Meanwhile, I was 9 months pregnant waddling across a busy street in Jessica Simpson wedge heels that no one bothers to drive 25 mph on…..let alone slow down for the pregnant girl trying to cross the street.
It used to drive me crazy! I know the attorney bitches have cankles. I know they have to wear ugly business suits. But, hello attorney bitches??!! You’re not above anyone else. I mean, really! Those are the rules so why don’t you follow them?
So I went on strike. I said FUCK THIS! I stopped parking across the street. I swore that as soon as I came back from maternity leave I would go back to parking across the street. You know, when I wasn’t waddling anymore carrying 33 pounds of extra weight.
And I meant it.
Until I actually came back to work. What can I say? I got too comfortable parking in the front lot. I didn’t feel like parking across the street anymore. Now I’m the bitch who thinks my shit don’t stink. I pull up every morning and park my Benz right out front.
I know it’s wrong. But, being wrong feels oh so right.
I look at it like this. I’ve been with my company for over three years now. I’m moving up the totem pole. I deserve to park in the front lot! Let the newbies park across the street and walk their asses over in the minus 20 degree Chicago winter weather.
Uh-uh folks. Not me. Not anymore. I’m no sucker.
And then it happened. I envisioned this day in my head many times, but didn’t think it would actually happen. I usually hide out in my car and see who’s walking in. If I see someone I know then I sit in my car, and I wait. I don’t want anyone to see me – the Parking Attendant – actually breaking the rules and parking in the front lot.
Today I pulled up at 8 on the dot. Thinking solely about getting to my desk on time I didn’t look around to see who’s coming and going. I jumped out of my car, grabbed my Juicy Couture bag and my coffee (NOT Dunkin, thanks a lot Dunkin Bitch), and started to run to the front door.
And as God is my witness I was caught.
I was caught red handed.
Not by the attorney bitches, good God, who cares if they caught me. I was caught by my office neighbors. Eeeeekkkkk! Shit! Shit whore! I thought.
I felt that I needed to address the situation.
“Morning!” I exclaimed, ever the cheerful chick first thing in the morning. It’s people that piss me off throughout the day and make me turn into such a crab ass.
“Good morning!” Chad and Marissa exclaimed.
Tangent, they are so cute, Chad and Marissa. They are a sweet married couple who happen to work for the same company, Cog Med, right across the hall from me. We see each other throughout the day and always wave or stop in the hallway to say hello. Marissa friended me on Facebook when I was pregs because she wanted to know when I had Eva and went on maternity leave since she wouldn’t see me at work for 6 weeks.
Anyways, they were walking in together with their Starbuck’s and big smiles. Oh. My. Gosh. I’m such an asshole.
I decided to just dive right in. “Yeah, I parked out front this morning. It’s too cold to walk across the street…..” I nervously laughed….
Chad and Marissa laughed, too. They were probably thinking, “You Bitch!” But, they’re too nice to say that.
See, let’s back up here. Chad and Marissa used to park in the front lot. I never said anything about them parking in the front lot because they’re nice to me. See, be my friend and I let you break the rules. Be like the attorney bitches and you’re toast!
Anyways, because Marissa had friended me on Facebook she found my blog. And started to read it. And they happened to read my blog “The Parking Attendant” and started to park across the street because of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Holy shizzzzzzzzzzz, I’m laughing my fucking ass off. How sweet are they? What a fucking asshole I am! OMG.
How do I know this you ask? Let me continue….
“It’s too cold to walk across the street…..” I nervously laughed….then continued, “But, I see you guys did. Way to go!”
(For the record, don’t read this like I was saying this like a bitch because I totally wasn’t! I was saying it like I was the kid who just got caught with his hand in his pants in kindergarten. Shhheeeeiiiiitttttt. BUSTED. That’s how I said it.)
“Yeah, we park across the street now,” Marissa said.
“Well, after we read your blog we were like ‘Holy shit! We don’t want to be the bitches who park out front!” Marissa said.
We all laughed. What a good sport!
“I know, I know, I should be parking across the street, too.” (Tail between my legs) “I just said ‘Fuck it’ this morning.”
(Little did they know – until now – that I’ve been parking in the front lot for months now!!!!!!) Again …. Tail between my legs!
“No way!” Marissa yelled, “Don’t be silly. You get special mom parking.”
Is she serious? Special mom parking? I don’t bring my baby to work! It’s just me. Why should I get special mom parking?????? I can park across the street and walk over. I’m just too lazy. It’s cold. And I have a bunch of shit to carry. And the dog ate my homework.
But, this was a good lesson learned for me. I need to do as I write. I can’t write a blog bitching about other people and then do the same thing I bitch about??!! Who does that?
Well, lots of people do that, and those people are assholes.
Regardless of what you all think of me, I am not an asshole. I will be parking across the street from now on. Starting tomorrow…..