Your Nose is Growing Pinocchio

Image courtesy of Google Images.

It’s not my nose that’s growing. I’m way too honest for most people. I’m one of those people that can’t tell a lie.

Sure I can fib, when necessary: “Yes, Officer, I’m speeding because I have to go to the bathroom sooooo bad.”

OR — “No, honey, of course I didn’t buy myself a pair of shoes!”

But, lies….I can’t seem to tell lies. And any time I try to I completely screw it up. Lies complicate things. I always forget my lies and end up telling the truth anyways! I’m a simple person. What you see is what you get.

So, I’ve given up telling lies. Especially when I’ve been drinking. Give me just one glass of wine and it is like truth serum that compels me to tell the truth. Like diarrhea the truth pours out of my mouth.

It’s not that I can’t keep a secret – when it’s bad news. Tell me bad news, and I try to forget it. I want nothing to do with bad news. Tell me good news, and I want to shout it from the stars! Yayyy good news! I love good news! I’m so excited!

The truth is good. We’re all taught as young as 2 to tell the truth. But, sometimes lies are good. Lies protect us. Lies protect others.

Some people just can’t take the truth. They would rather be lied to.

And I’m not talking about the 300 pounder who asks if her butt looks big. Of course it does, but I’m not going to be the asshole who says, “Yeah fat ass, get on the treadmill!”

That’s where fibbing is necessary; a necessity in life.

Another place where fibbing must be a necessity, but I haven’t yet received that memo is on mommyhood.

All my mom friends lied to me.

They’ve all told me how great it is to be a mom. And it is great; don’t get me wrong. I love my Boo. I love when she coos. I love when she laughs. I love when I talk and she stares at me like ‘that’s MY mom’ with adoration in her big blue eyes.

But I’m not going to lie to you people. Being a mother has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Ever. In my life.

And I’m terrified I’m going to fail at it.

For one, I need sleep. I’m a sleeper. I could sleep 12 hours every night and still take a nap the next day. Becoming a mom means losing sleep. It means sometimes getting no sleep at all. And that is pretty fucking hard for someone who needs to sleep.

For two, I’m selfish. Yeah, I am a bit of a princess. And now I have a princess who needs everything from me who I need to cater to 24/7. My needs and wants are no longer #1. I’ve grown up my whole life being #1 in my own eyes, and now, my daughter is my #1. It’s a hard adjustment, having to put down the Juicy Couture panties for Huggies Leak-Guards.

For three, I don’t deal well with change. And my life has completely changed. From the days of working during the day, drinking wine at night, sleeping in on the weekends, buying myself Starbuck’s everyday …. To work all day. Get the baby. Go home. Feed the baby. Cook dinner. Put the baby to bed. Completely pass out from exhaustion at 9 p.m.

And no one tells you this. Or they might tell you, but maybe I was never listening? Or maybe it doesn’t bother them as much as it bothers me? It’s not that it booottttthhhhersss me. I’m not complaining. I guess I just wish someone told me the truth of what to expect and didn’t just tell me how wonderful it is. Everyone paints a Hollywood happy ending of getting married and having kids.

And it’s lies!

It’s all a bunch of lies!!!!!

I just drank the truth serum. I want to tell you the truth. That being said, I’m going to get hate messages from people telling me how horrible a mother I am, how my daughter doesn’t deserve me. How I’m a terrible wife, and my husband “must be a saint” because I sound like such a horrible person.

Maybe that’s true.
Maybe I am one bad mother fucker!
But, I don’t think so.

I think I just don’t paint the rosy fucking sunshine picture that you all want to look through.

You don’t want to see the rainy days because you’re too busy pretending life is perfect.
Not me.

News flash (and this isn’t a news flash really, I’ve told you all before) I’m not perfect. I don’t try to be perfect. In fact, I’m far from perfect. I’m flawed and vulnerable. But, I wake up every day and try to be a good person. And now, I wake up every day to be a good mom. I’m sure some days I fail, like the day I forgot Boo’s diaper bag – with the bottle in it – at home. Whoops. Or the day I banged Boo’s car seat (accidentally!) against my car. Whoops.

What I am good at is telling you how I feel. Despite the hardships I would never trade my Boo in for anything. Are there days that I hate her father? Yeah. Are there days I wish I was single and could run off and do whatever I wanted? Yeah.

But, even if I think that for 1 hour out of a 24 hour day the rest of the 23 hours I’m thanking my lucky stars that I managed to do one thing right.

I managed to bring this baby into the world. I did that. ME. Well, not alone, but I mean, I delivered her despite my intense fears and anxiety about child birth. Despite the fact that I almost died a month later of blood loss I came back for her. Despite the Post-Partum Depression that made me want to give it all up, I’ve still fought back. I’ve fought back for my daughter. And now, the new obstacles I face, the feelings of fear and loss and uncertainty, and failure, I will fight those, too.

I have no one to depend on in this world except me. My daughter has no one to depend on except me. And I guess what kills me, what absolutely pisses me off, is that despite my realness people just want to talk about my negatives. People just want to look at the ways in which I’m lacking as a mom. They stare at me with wiiidddeee eyes when I truthfully say, “Yeah, Eva’s awesome, but I can’t wait until she’s like 5 and a little more independent.”

Or the horrified look I see on their face when they ask me how mommyhood is, and I don’t goo and gush about how wonderful it is. Instead I tell the truth. It’s fucking hard! Why do I have to pretend it’s easy? Just because I say it’s hard doesn’t mean I don’t love my daughter! So please, wipe that look off your face! Understand that I am a real person with real feelings, and I’m not going to lie to you like Hollywood and all your perfect mommy friends!

Why can’t other moms support each other instead of pointing out the moms who have fucked up? Why can’t other moms be there for each other and teach their daughters that being a strong woman is being real and honest. It’s being there for people that need you. It’s taking care of you. It’s remembering that being a good mom is being a good person. It’s that mistakes happen. It’s that you will prevail. It’s that you can’t give up. You can’t let people talk you down.

Is there no one else in the world like this?

Don’t fall into their trap.
Don’t let them do it to you.

This is a very real and raw post for me. Most of my posts are well thought out, re-read, edited, etc., but this one I simply wrote. I wrote it for me. I wrote it from the heart. I needed to write a journal entry telling myself it’s OK to be me. Telling myself it’s OK to make mistakes. Letting myself vent.

I have a fear of being a fuck up. I constantly say to my husband, “I’m just a complete fuck up.”

I’m going to start reminding myself, it’s OK to be me.

11 thoughts on “Your Nose is Growing Pinocchio

  1. Jen I love your blog you crack me up 🙂 Your comments about moms gooing and gushing over being a “mommy” reminded me of another one of my other favorite blogs called STFU parents you have probably seen it but if not check it out some time if you need a good laugh 🙂

    1. Hi Lauren, thanks for reading and commenting! I appreciate it! Thanks for the tip on STFU parents. I’d never heard of it and did check it out this morning. Love it!! 🙂

  2. UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…….I did not lie! Everyone who knows me knows that Jimmy is a royal pain in my ass and I NEVER slept! I am not one of your pretty little liars lady! I told you how hard it is! This is a great post as MOST women are trying too hard to look like a perfect mommy never admitting how hard it is, but not me sister! It’s tough! But….soooo worth it!

  3. So I’m wasting time because the holidays are over and I can finally have an hour or two of “me-time” while Jackson’s sleeping and I decide to check out your recent blogs. This one hit home. Girl, not a day goes by without me thinking, “Gosh, I could have handled that better” or “am I permanently damaging my son’s psyche because I just yelled at him instead of this 1-2-3 magic crap?”
    You know that feeling when you’re rocking your baby, whether you’re feeding her, reading to her, or just trying to get her to go back to sleep, and all you want to do is just put her in the crib and fall asleep? You’re body’s like floating and you’re mind is thinking all sorts of weird semi-conscious thoughts. Yeah, being sleep deprived does crazy things to a person. I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna handle a 2-year-old and an infant. WTF was I thinking. Well, no turning back now. He’ll be here in less that 2 weeks.
    Motherhood is the hardest MFing thing I’ve ever done and will ever do. It’s like you just push and push yourself until you’ve exceeded all physical limits, and push yourself some more.
    It is the MOST rewarding job ever but that’s because it’s the hardest. It’s crazy to think that all of your baby’s needs must be met by you. You’re the one who gets blamed if she has to spend $100k/year in therapy when she’s older. Talk about pressure.
    Fuck those moms who tell you that you’re not doing a good job, or those people who give you the fish eye because they don’t agree with your behavior or your thoughts. One of the great things about being a mom is that nobody gets to tell you how to do it. If you want Eva to stay up until 1 am watching The Breakfast Club, it’s your call.
    The point is that you did buy the diapers instead of the Juicy Coutre panties. That makes you a great mom.
    But yeah, it’s fucking tough. Anyone who says it’s not is full of shit.

  4. Love, love,love this.Its funny how people judge sometimes, I’m guilty of it. But this is good,Jen, really good. I’m so proud of you:)

  5. For the record, although I use foul language frequently,I try not to use the F word in front of my kids (even I have standards)! This is so your critics don’t start judging me!!

  6. Jen! I love it! I hated every mother I knew for the first 2 months of the first born’s life because I was never warned about the pain and suffering physically emotionally and mentally of being a mom! I was like-is there some kind of secret mom club that you can’t talk about the bad part of being a mom? I know a lot of moms like to paint the picture of a perfect life with a husband and kids-and to this day I wonder what really goes on behind closed doors, cuz we all know the truth! Nobody is perfect! I am right there with you! Being a mom is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but also the best thing…and that is where all of those wonderful comments about being a mom come from-because after a long day of hating everyone around you you look at your baby(s) and it is so worth it! I am currently dealing with the fear of “bad mother” award because my kids mouths are dirty!! 5 year old this morning couldn’t find a hidden picture and lets out “what the fu…” I am secretly laughing inside, but afraid of who he might do that in front of… and then I say who cares! I am doing the best I can! We can’t all be perfect, sista! You are definitely NOT alone!! And then there is the GUILT–which should be the topic of your next blog!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  7. Jen, I know exactly how you feel. My son was colic and cried all the time. I tried EVERYTHING to make help him. I too am a sleeper and get very angry when I am awakened in the middle of the night. I too was very selfish and had whatever I wanted before I had my son. It was very difficult for me to adjust to my new life as well.

    Even now that my son is 6 yrs old, when he is sick and I loose sleep, I can be one crancky witch. People often ask me when I’m gonna have another. They look at me like I’m crazy that I don’t want anymore kids! guess what…I think your crazy for wanting to do it all over again!!! not me…one is my number. One is all I can handle and there’s nothing wrong with that.

    For me It has gotten easier now that my son is older. He is a sleeper just like mommy! (thank god). It will get easier in some ways as they get older and a lot more independant. Although it doesn’t seem like it right now…time will fly!

    I love your blog! =)

    1. Hi Diana,
      Thanks for the note. I must confess. I was fearful of posting this blog. I wanted to – I wanted to be real and not be afraid of what others would think when they read it, but there was a small part of me that didn’t think anyone would “get it.”

      Instead they would read it and worry I’d fallen back into PPD, or think that I’m ready to desert my family for Vegas, but the truth of the matter is I was just annoyed that I tried to talk to some friends about how hard it is to be a mom, and I felt like they were looking at me with this sadness in their eyes. This worry. This fear. And it made me insecure. Is there something wrong with me?

      Then I thought about it and thought: Why can’t I tell you the truth? Do I have to lie to everyone? IT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T LOVE MY DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      It feels soooo good to not only have a reader relate to me, but to tell me and support me. So thank you!
      Thank you for telling me it was hard for you, too. I wish you and your son the best.
      ~Jlee

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