Readers have been asking me about Earl, my stalker. Apparently you are curious if I have seen him and talked to him. My answer has been no as Dunkin Bitch has driven me away from my DD. I haven’t been to my old school DD in about 2 months or so.
I decided to go this morning. As I pulled in the parking lot I anxiously rounded the corner hoping to see Earl.
Side note: Is that weird? That I’m looking for my stalker? I know it is a bit strange, but you will understand if you remember my blog post “My Sign of the Apocalypse” where in my stalker became the stalkee, as my friend and I became slightly obsessed with him. He’s actually quite a guy – very nice and caring.
That said, I pull in the lot and around the corner. I’m smiling and happy. I can’t wait to see Earl! It’s been way too long since I’ve seen his smile and talked Chicago sports with him.
And …. He’s not there.
Earl’s not at Dunkin? Is this some kind of an alternate universe? Where the hell is Earl? Where is my stalker? Shouldn’t he be sitting at DD pining for me; waiting and praying every day that I pull up in my Mercedes and wear the black boots he so loves?
What. The. Fuck. I think.
WTF is this? This is a sick joke. Well, joke or not, I can tell you who I blame for this unfortunate situation.
I BLAME DUNKIN BITCH!
If she wouldn’t have driven me away from DD, I would still be going there every day to get my iced coffee. Then I would still be seeing Earl. Earl would still be stalking me and adding to his shrine of me in his shaggin’ wagon. And the world would be right.
But, now? Now the world is utterly wrong because I am without Earl, my beloved stalker.
This sucks, I think. I park and grab my Juicy Couture bag. I start to walk into DD thinking, “Dunkin Bitch better not be here!” As it would really make my day to find out she’s been fired….sorry God, I apologize for thinking such a horrible thing….
I open the door and walk up to the counter. I see the cute drive-thru lady that I always see. She smiles big. “Good morning ma’am!” She always calls me ma’am. In broken English she says, “How is your baby?”
I smile wide. See, I am a nice person! “Good morning!” I say back, still smiling and happy, despite wondering if my stalker is sitting at another Dunkin Donuts…stalking another younger version of myself….
“My baby is 6 months old now,” I tell her.
And then….imagine the JAWS “shark” theme….Dunkin Bitch turns around and is at the counter.
FUCK ME! I think. God. How does this bitch still work here? Didn’t Dunkin Donuts read my blog about her horrible customer service? Do they not care that I used to be a daily coffee buyer and now I am cheating on them with Starbuck’s because I so badly don’t want to encounter Dunkin Bitch’s unpleasantness on a daily basis?
I’m completely disgusted, but right now I’m jonesing for coffee. I need an iced coffee like I need air to breathe. I am weak. I simply have no choice but to order from Dunkin Bitch despite every being in my body telling me to give her the finger, turn around and RUN.
But, no. I am a woman. I need to behave this way.
I gotta tell you though, really, this bitch’s unpleasantness ruins my day every time I see her. I realize that’s ridiculous. To let some bitch ruin my day. At Dunkin Donuts non-the-less, but she just does. When I come in all cheery and doe-eyed and she gives me her snarled expression I just want to jump over the counter and beat the ever living shit out of her.
“Dunkin Bitch!” I would yell, as I jump the counter in my black boots that Earl loves. They do look good on me, by the way. And I would leap over the counter with such grace….
Then I’d grab her by the back of the hair, and I’d hit her in the face with my Juicy Couture bag. BAM, and knock the bitch out.
When she wakes up I would give her a lesson on what it is to be polite. Then I’d scold her for my own impoliteness, telling her, “Now look what you’ve made me do!” I’ll have to say 1,000 Hail Mary’s to get back on God’s good side.
But, then again, maybe he agrees with me that Dunkin Bitch needed someone to check her attitude.
But anyways, I’m not beating anyone’s ass today as she turns around – and the JAWS “shark” theme Is playing in my head – and she says, “Hello,” (Fucking Shocker Man!) and asks what I would like.
I say, “A medium iced coffee please.” Then I’m pissed at myself for saying please.
She manages a ½ smile – who knew she had teeth! – and then gives me my coffee which I have to say was excellent this morning. Or maybe it’s just that I was jonesing for the coffee that badly….
I handed her my Dunkin Donuts card and she ran it through. She handed it back to me and said, “Have a good day.” Not all that politely I might add, but she did make the effort.
I felt proud of her. I wanted to hug her! I was SO proud of Dunkin Bitch for setting aside her hatred for me and making my morning somewhat pleasant, besides my complete distraught over Earl’s absence, of course.
I grabbed my coffee and gave Dunkin Bitch a ½ smile back. “Thank you,” I said, “You too.”
I turned and I walked out.
Maybe I will start going to my old school DD again in hopes that Earl will come back to Dunkin, too. I wonder if my stalker misses me as much as I miss him?
And now I wonder how Dunkin Bitch will be tomorrow….