Fashion Conscious

As I start this blog I’m not sure where to begin. I’m not sure what I want to say, I just feel compelled to get this off my chest…out into cyber space and officially out of my heart and soul.

Maybe my posts don’t do me justice? Maybe I come off as a money hungry bitch? I’ve built this wall around me. The wall is so tall and so thick that even I don’t know who I am anymore. So how do I expect you guys to know who I am?

I tell you I’m crazy…I tell you about my Juicy Couture purses and jammies….I tell you about my Mercedes. Do I tell you I’m someone’s daughter? Someone’s granddaughter? Do I tell you I’m surrounded by people who love me – friends and family – but I’m utterly alone?? I feel alone all the time.

I don’t know what my purpose is on God’s green Earth, but I’m determined to find it. I’m determined to show you that I do have a purpose. I’m not some dumb ex-sorority girl!

My purpose is more than US Weekly and Teen Mom…it’s more than my BFF Giuliana and Bill and my love for Britney Spears….it’s more than a fucking Mercedes Benz and some $20 DKNY panties. It’s more than Juicy Couture purses and Von Maur shopping sprees….

My closet full of Steve Madden heels and Express clothes? You can have it!

My Clinique make-up and OPI nail polish? Take it!

The truth is I hide. I hide behind the make-up and the big fake eye lashes. I hide behind the fashion and accessories.

I’m a phony. I name my blog “If You Think I’m a B*tch So Be It” but the truth of the matter is that I’m so desperate for your approval, for anyone’s approval, that I’m terrified to show ME to anyone out there.

I seized the day this weekend….I drove 5.5 hours to Kentucky. By myself. To attend a writer’s conference. Turns out that writer’s aren’t like me. Or I’m not like most writer’s. Smart and bookish and interested in the goings-on of the world. What do I have to contribute to this conversation? It’s not that I don’t know what’s going on in the world, I do, it’s just that I tend to know more about what is going on in Lindsey Lohan’s life than Egypt. Maybe that’s sad. Maybe I am stupid.

But, I don’t think it’s that I am stupid. I have opinions about the world. I know what’s going on out there, I just choose to distant myself because I don’t like the way the world is becoming. I don’t like the stupid and greedy people…I don’t like how government stays the same time and time again…I don’t like how people have no tolerance for one another and can’t see the gray in situations. People see black or white, right or wrong….I don’t. I see all shades of color. I see all sides.

I actually think that makes me a very bright and empathetic person. And maybe I’m happy to have my own views on the world in my own head? I don’t feel confident enough in myself to get into political battles with people about something that I can’t change.

I’d much rather just discuss what Angelina Jolie wore to the Oscars. Or my Dunkin Donuts stalker.

So I’m at this writer’s conference, and I’m in a room full of people who are supposed to be like me. People who are artistic and open minded and have a way with words….and I stick out like a sore thumb.

I don’t fit. I don’t match. And I don’t mean my clothes because you know my outfit looked damn good. I mean ME. Feeling like I was back in junior high I felt awkward and unsure. I felt scared and vulnerable. I felt completely out of place.

Given the exercise to describe people….description is obviously very important in writing…and I get described as “fashionable.”

What. The. Fuck.

Am I so shallow that after spending hours with me the only word you can think of to describe me is “fashionable?”

Of allllllllllllll the words in the English language and hours of talking to me you come up with “fashionable.”

Wow. What does that say about me? How do people view me? I wanted to cry. I wanted to say, “That’s not me!”

“Don’t you see!”

I wanted to yell, “Don’t you see I have a big heart? And I’m honest and loyal and loving and determined and energetic and kind?”

But no. No, you see the fashion. You see that I carry a purple Juicy Couture bag. You see that I’m wearing torn Express jeans – though you don’t know they’re Express nor do you know they are in fashion – and big gold and black earrings and gold and silver bangles up and down my arms. You see the gray v-neck tee and the lacy black top snug on my breasts. You see the faux fur lined purple plaid vest and my perfectly manicured purple nails. You see my long black hair shiny and straight, perfectly coifed to one side.

But you can’t be bothered to see underneath. My clothes don’t define me. My big brown eyes don’t define me. My straight white teeth don’t define me.

Don’t you see? Don’t you see I’d give it all away? I’d be fat and ugly and poor and mismatched….for 5 minutes of pure happiness.

5 minutes of feeling loved and peaceful and pure and happy.

Maybe the problem isn’t me, but you. Maybe you can’t open your eyes and see anything other than someone’s appearance. Sorry I’m attractive and “fashion conscious.” Sorry I’m not like you. Sorry I thought you were maybe someone more like me, someone who gave a damn about what is underneath.

When I strip off the Ugg Boots and the Calvin Klein bra and the Juicy Couture jammies I’m just a girl.

I’m just me.

7 thoughts on “Fashion Conscious

  1. Honey, I think you were just a round peg at a conference full of square pegs. There are plenty (PLENTY) of people who care about all the same thing you care about, so you’re not crazy. The authenticity of your writing is what’s fun to read, and you’ve just run into some people who get off on putting others down. And when they’re brainy literary types, it comes off sounding so eloquent that you must feel like they’re right. But you’re right too and “it is what it is.” You follow your heart with your writing and don’t feel bad for being different than the people at the conference! We’re each always growing in different ways, and if you write about struggles and periods of growth with your own authentic voice, people will find it interesting. Plus, a lot of people who come off as “really knowing what they’re talking about” are just trying to sound like they do! If they’re good with words, then they’re good at sounding “so smart.” I can see how your feelings would be hurt, but I think you should still do what you love.

  2. @ Dana, there is nothing wrong with Jen or anyone else expressing thoughts and expressions, and in fact takes great courage to do so in such an open form. You don’t have to agree with her thoughts and feelings, no one is asking you to. Your problem is that you can’t read what her angle is or where she is coming from. Some of these things are thoughts and feelings a lot of people have but don’t express. She works through her thoughts and feelings through her blogs, some funny, some serious etc., and YES I DO ENCOURAGE JEN TO KEEP TO HER DREAMS!!! She dreams of being a writer, a better person, to have a good life, are you telling me that I am encouraging her to do something harmful? Obviously you have no clue!!! Jen has had some very serious issues come up in her life and has worked through them and is still working through them which takes a great amount of courage and I commend her for it. I encourage her to keep going with the good, where is it that I said that I encourage her to do harmful things? You don’t know anything about Jen obviously and don’t understand anything that she is writing about or where she is coming from. You are obviously a friend of the dip who told Jen she is stupid. Who went on to write about a bunch of B.S. having nothing to do with what she was actually writing about or expressing. A girl who just jumped down her throat not knowing what the hell she was talking about. You obviously don’t understand human beings or the human condition or much about life in general. If you have read her blogs you would know that she nearly died not long ago, you would know that she is struggling with a serious illness that effects millions of women, called postpartum depression and recognizes it and is working very hard with caring people and professionals to help her. I don’t call that a bad mother! I call that a responsible caring mother that recognized she was going through something not normal, who loves her child very much and want’s to make sure she has the best loving responsible mother she could have. So before you want to start bashing someone about their parenting skills maybe you should educate yourself on the subject before doing so. Unless of course you are a Christian Scientist and like to jump up and down on couches and pretend that these types of illnesses don’t exist, but yet they worship a god that’s actually an alien?!?!? Just saying! Or where have I told her to stop spreading awareness of Alzheimer’s, where she does fund raising for the charity that is very close to her heart? Or maybe I should also tell her to stop supporting her young friend who has been fighting cancer for sometime. Once again, you have no idea what or whom you are talking about. Those who like to look at other people and find whatever faults they can and pick them apart to the smallest meaningless detail usually have many, many more problems and issues of their own and should not cast the 1st stone. You should truly look within yourself before misjudging others.

  3. I really enjoyed Leigh’s opinion on Jen’s blog and I would have to agree with most of it. @Angela, you seem to be a friend or family member of Jen and I can tell you that its people close to her like you that seem to support her destructive behavior. If she keeps saying she’s a bad mother or out of control or whatever dont encourage her behavior but instead tell her the things that you feel are not healthy for her. Just telling her that she’s fine and keep doing what she is doing is not going to help her in anyway. If you feel all the things she has written are okay then you have plenty of issues yourself.

  4. To Jen, keep to your dream.

    To the 20 year old, no one really cares what you think, you’re barely out of diapers and are probably still breast feeding. Your rude and ignorant and your proably a fat, ugly, jealous virgin eating bon bons on a friday night plastered to facebook . Get a life. And for your information only about 75% of the women dress like that in YOUR myopic little world… Try venturing outside of the major metropolitan areas, and you will find that most women have never seen UGG boots in person or know anyone who owns them, minus those they have possibly seen on T.V. wearing them if they even know what they look like to recognize them, express? Forget it! They would have to drive miles and miles to get to a city with a mall that has an express in it. That doesn’t make these women myopic or ignorant either, these are just things that are not important to them in their world and in thier social situation. So while your ranting and raving about how stupid Jen is and trying to throw it in her face that YOU a 20 year old barley out of diapers is so much smarter and sees the world as a much bigger place you are obviously even more ignorant to the world and probably more myopic than most, with probably 100% less self esteem to have to sit here and try to make someone feel bad just so you can make yourself feel better and oh’ so much more enlightened. Here’s a suggestion, why don’t you take your pacifier and shove it!!!

    Love you Jen 🙂
    give dexter love for me! 🙂

  5. You’ re stupid. There. I’ve said it.

    It’s admirable that you’re attempting to “change” your “self”-by both literal and metaphorical means, but your rantings are about as enlightening as a tween, and just as ignorant. You went to a writing seminar and you don’t even know the difference between using contractions and the plural noun form i.e. “people’s”? Just because you have opinions and are empathetic doesn’t mean you are remotely intelligent. It only suggests that you can think. And if my sentiment is lost on you, just because you think doesn’t mean you are smart in any capacity. You’re merely conscious.

    Also. Honey. That is not fashion. You dress like 75% of the white woman population- UGG Boots? and Express? Seriously? And for someone who claims to be artistic, and wear what you wear… well, that’s just oxymoronic. Fashion isn’t a second class topic of discussion if you actually know anything about it. There’s nothing wrong with relating art to actual design in clothing, but the clothing companies you revealed as wearing fall under the category of status items rather than actual design innovators.

    Frankly, your view on life is completely myopic. Venture out of the world you’ve created which you’ve deemed as “reality”. Clearly, you haven’t evolved much past the self absorbed stage of a high school teenage girl. And your wardrobe reflects that clearly. Evolve, and read more (something of substance, and no I am not telling you to read James Joyce) if you actually want to develop as a writer!

    It’s REALLY not my goal in life to purposefully make a person have a bad day, and your earnestness in wanting to be a writer is commendable. However, I just feel the need to point out how thoroughly distorted your view of yourself is because, frankly, you are NOT misunderstood. And hopefully you will accept these criticisms, and not dismiss them as further evidence of the general public misinterpreting yourself and image. With destruction comes reconstruction.

    This from a 20 year old girl. Hope that isn’t salt in the wound.

  6. Jen, I think your blog is pretty cool. If your juicy couture “jammies” define you or if fashion is part of who you are it’s okay. I believe you don’t have to lead a civil rights march to be good or a strong person. Sometimes just having an opinion is good enough. I can respect someone who has a genuine opinion even if I don’t agree. I’m tired of people regurgitating what they heard on the evening news and claiming it as their own. An original opinion can be hard to find. Now that being said, you do throw down some crazy shit! That’s fine. I think you let people into your head and tell them what’s going on. That’s cool. A lot of people are thinking some weird stuff that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense too but are afraid to say it. That is what makes the world go round. So, I say get over it and keep writing. You can’t worry about what the world thinks about you. It shows courage sharing like you do. Keep it up and don’t make apologies for who you are. Just remember it’s not how the world sees you…….. it’s how you see the world that defines you.

  7. Longtime reader, first time poster….
    Yes, Jen. You ARE fashionable.
    That observation can easily be made. You enjoy fashion and gossip and although that made you stand apart from many of the people at the writing conference, that makes you LIKE millions of other women in this country. Unlike many of the millions, you are really good at it! You have top-notch talent and are dedicated to knowing the latest trends. I think you’re wrong. I’m pretty sure that looking damn good does give you (and every woman in the USA) some happiness and you wouldn’t be as happy if you were fat, ugly, and mismatched.

    Don’t sell us short. You know, the people who know you as a friend, daughter, etc. We know that there are more adjectives to describe you because there’s more than meets the eye. You are not defined by that one word, “Fashionable,” that was given to you by that group of writers.

    Part of me wants to grab you by the shoulders and shake you vigorously because I don’t understand how you can feel so alone and unhappy! How can it overshadow all of the great things that you have? You have friends that care about you, your husband loves you to death, and you have the most precious daughter. Yes, having relationships to nurture can be hard, but overall, isn’t it worth it?

    You don’t like what you see in the news? Me neither. Many people choose to gloss over/ignore the fact that sucky stuff is happening all over the place. We’d rather do our best at plugging through our own complicated lives. That doesn’t mean we’re bad or stupid.

    And now a suggestion. I know you want your bloggers to really know you. YOU! So keep writing about you. The topics you’ve written about thus far have been fun to read about and probably fun to write. Try delving into other aspects of your life. Write about what motivates you to send gift cards to your friends just because you want to make their day. Gush about the love you feel for your Boo Boo or a bright spot in your relationship with your husband. Tell about the hopes you have for your future. Write about something that happened in your life that made you change your mind. Let your readers know that you have been fine going over to your friend’s house in workout clothes without fake lashes. Write about how you are friends with all types of people, no matter how fat, and mismatched. Try writing some poetry. I’ll start you off….. A Haiku

    You are not alone
    Happiness is in your head
    Jen is a nice gal

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