Am I the only one who doesn’t know how to shut the fuck up? I mean seriously, it’s unbelievable the stupid things that come out of my mouth. I think of myself as a smart person. What’s my problem?
I’m not going to lie. I love drinking. I love wine, shots, margaritas…if it gives me a buzz I love it. Except beer because that just makes me feel fat and bloated. No thank you! I’m not sure which parents genes gave me this wonderful curse of loving being intoxicated, but since the birth of my daughter, Eva, I have been working very hard at getting my drinking under control.
No more dancing on bars and puking in garbage cans – yes I’ve done both. And I have done extremely well – a couple glasses of wine here or there – UNTIL….my bestie’s wedding on September 17th. It was one of those disaster nights where you wake up in the morning and as the memories come back to you and the more you remember the more you consider putting a gun to your head because you can’t bear to face this humiliation.
So what did I do? What DIDN’T I do is the more appropriate question.
Here’s an excerpt from an email I sent to a friend on Monday morning as I was having anxiety over my drunken faux pas:
From: Jennifer [email@example.com]
Sent: Monday, September 19, 2011 1:59 PM
To: Elizabeth; Catherine; Kristin
Subject: Monday Girls –
Thursday I felt like I was coming down with something but still went by K’s to see our friend E who was in town from Portland for the wedding. Probably shouldn’t have because I woke up Friday morning with a full on sinus head cold. I was like wtf, I have the busiest weekend and I get sick today of all days? So I was pounding vitamin C all day. I go from work right to the rehearsal. I stopped for a pumpkin spice latte which was heaven. Then I had to drive to Lemont.
We were at Montefiori Event Center in Lemont which was right by the BMW golf tourney which caused for a horrific traffic jam Friday at 5 pm when we were all fighting to get to the rehearsal. I’m talking streets closed, they wouldn’t let us through – I told 3 different police officers that I had to get to Montefiori for a wedding rehearsal and they told me too bad, the road was closed. Wtf? We were all late to the venue and completely stressed. The rehearsal went smoothly and at that point I was literally dying to go to bed but I drove home to pick up my hubby and then we went to Harry Carey’s for the rehearsal dinner and it was completely lovely and we left by 10 pm so I could get some sleep. I happened to have a Z-pack sitting in my medicine cabinet (hallelujah!) so I popped those and just after taking the 1st dose Friday and the 2nd dose Saturday am I felt TONS better on Saturday, nothing my wonderful natural anxiety meds and a couple Advil and a glass of wine couldn’t fix.
By the way, we got the best bridesmaid gift ever – K got us brown Kate Spade bags to match our dresses! Soo cute and soo sweet! Love it! I was literally peeing myself.
Saturday my mom dropped me off at Asha Salon in Lombard at 10 am for my up-do. They ended up charging me $10 more than they quoted us, and I just paid it, and one of the girls later told me that she b*tched so they let her pay $60. We were sup to pay $65 and I got charged $75 so I was like that stinks! I WILL be sending a letter detailing my disappointment over that… Then we were running here there and everywhere for pics and what not and then finally got to Montefiori about 2 pm for more pics and the bride and groom’s big “reveal” of seeing each other. It was perfect and K was a beautiful bride!
Of course there was a little drama – grandma fell out of her wheelchair and K’s poor nephew fell and had a fat and bloody lip, then, omg, can you even believe this, we think got stung by a bee in the same spot on his lip, swear to God, but wondering if maybe the bee didn’t sting him and he just started freaking out because we were all freaking out swatting at the bee/kid like crazy and then he totally had a breakdown screaming at the top of his lungs. His poor mother was crying all while they were trying to do the family pic, so then me and the two other bridesmaids were standing there like wtf, the other 2 crying, me standing there completely in shock like wtf just happened? I felt like a heartless b*tch that I wasn’t crying, but I was seriously in shock. That poor little boy! The ceremony was absolutely perfect – short, sweet and to the point. It was outside and the weather couldn’t have been more perfect. After the ceremony pics were done (yayy, smartest thing ever to take pics before) so we just went to the cocktail hour and sipped some pinot grigio. Cocktail hour flew by and before I knew it we were going in to be seated and eat dinner…..by this time the wine was flowing let me tell you.
Totally had a STFU moment at dinner when I told one of the bridesmaids to watch out, that’s what serial killers do when she told me her son repeatedly kicks their little dog. She looked at me like I was a monster and said, “You just called my son a serial killer.” I was like, Oh crap, damage control. Then the usher gives me what I am referring to as a “magical unicorn drink.” I later found out it’s just a white russian, but holy cow, amazzzeeee and got me sooo hammered that other disasters entailed, mainly me sticking my foot in my mouth over and over like a bad dream where you are trying to run and your legs won’t move only it’s me trying to shut up and the words just keep coming out my mouth and it wouldn’t stop, it was over and over and over. Oh my gosh, word vomit! HELP!
Needless to say I went home completely hammered with a husband who hated me. Yikes, I haven’t had this happen since before I got pregnant with Eva – probably my Halloween party when I passed out and threw up in my room and Jason V. saw me naked. Oops. And I was very very proud of the fact that I had gotten my drinking under control, or so I thought. I am beyond disappointed in myself. I tried to schedule an emergency counseling session to discuss my “unhealthy relationship with alcohol” with my counselor, but unfortunately she can’t get me in unless I leave work early which I’m not going to do so we will discuss next Tuesday.
In the meantime, I’ve done damage control and Brett and I are fine, and luckily the bridesmaid doesn’t hate me!, but I mean I feel depressed about it and just like I’m a complete @ss. I’m so over being the out of control drunk idiot and fearing that my only choice may be giving up alcohol and leading a sober life style, and I just don’t know that that would be any fun! 😦 But, I can’t be sexually harassing big Biggy-style black men in front of my husband and his wife – luckily she was laughing her @ss off and not wanting to beat my @ss and my husband was yelling at me that I was a complete @ss as I stumbled to the car. Yes, seriously. I’m humiliated.
Yesterday I was completely hungover and luckily my baby was a complete angel – it’s like she knew – and we ordered pizza and watched movies all day and it was so wonderful and relaxing. Today I’m just dying to go home and get one more day further from the weekend so it becomes a distant memory and isn’t sitting at the tip of my brain laughing at me all day as I remember, oh crap, did I do that, too????
Luckily I got this response which eased my mind for a bit:
Sent: Monday, September 19, 2011 2:56 PM
To: Jennifer; Elizabeth; Kristin
Subject: RE: Monday Girls –
Jen your email cracked me up! I know your embarrassed about drinking a little too much at the wedding but don’t feel so bad, we’ve all been there and done that a million times! Hell, I probably did it twice in the last two weeks : ) You may have drank a tad too much but it was a wedding so don’t be too hard on yourself, you still have your drinking under control so don’t have any worries.
However, after more thinking about it – and remembering more:
I told this girl I had a girl crush on her; that she was absolutely gorgeous. Great – leave it at that. You made her day. But, no. Instead of stop talking, I had to reiterate that “I’m not a lesbian or anything, I just totally have a girl crush on you.”
Then, I talked repeatedly about my Post Partum Depression and how I’m finally over it and feeling soo much better (yayy) but back then I was really depressed and wanted to kill myself and and and…oh my gosh, STFU! Completely inappropriate conversation. You might as well talk about your bowel movements!
Then, I couldn’t let the “serial killer” comment go because I was seriously stressing about it. Instead of dropping it or simply apologizing I had this fantastic plan that if I told the bridemaid’s BFF (who I had just met that day, like 5 minutes ago, WOW, there’s a great first impression) that I was TOTALLY joking she would absolutely get it. Um…no. She looked at my like I was the biggest @sshole she’d ever laid eyes on and asked me “Why would you say that about a little boy?”
OH. MY. GOSH. Make it stop! Please!
I think hitting on the Biggy-style black dude with the awesome Fu Manchu was just the icing on the cake. I don’t know why I was obsessed with this poor dude, but I sure hope he loved the attention from some “crazy white chick,” and I’m so thankful to his bitchin’ wife that she was able to laugh it all off. As my husband told me she said, “I’m going to go home and do my man tonight.”
Yes, you can thank me later, Biggy.
I digress. I’m sure there was more. If I detail it all for you I fear that this post would be 10 pages long. Or maybe someone who forgot something stupid I said to them has since been reminded of it. Uh-oh. Didn’t I learn?…Just STOP TALKING!!!