So I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday which has caused some friends to worry a bit.
One of my closest friends, also a new mom, checked in on me this morning (for that which I am very grateful) to see how I am feeling today, you know after the hormones have hopefully stabilized a bit.
Let me add there was no alcohol involved in my breakdown, as I have dubbed myself the “Drama Drinker” courtesy of my Urban Dictionary Word of The Day for November 15th. I am now on restriction because of another incident involving me talking too much…(See JUST STOP TALKING!!!)
My response was such that I know will cause some hate mail, but honestly, I need to get it out and will be discussing this with my counselor as well so thanks, but your advice is really not needed. I feel people (women) need to be aware that motherhood is not all the glamour and glitz that Jessica Simpson is hoping for walking down the street in her 4 inch heels. I, too, was there merely two years ago obsessing about a Juicy Couture diaper bag and accessorizing my belly and heels.
Motherhood is tough, tougher than anything I’ve ever done in my life, and even though my Post Partum Depression is behind me, I still struggle to this day. I am not perfect like so many women pretend to be. And let’s be honest, in our society mothers are pooped on! Forget something? Automatically mom’s fault. Angry about something? Mom’s fault! Let’s get something straight right now. EVERYTHING WILL BECOME YOUR FAULT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
I digress. I’m not in a good place right now. I haven’t blogged because it’s been a tough couple weeks for me with the passing of Dexter followed by some family problems I can not share at this time. I’ve been trying to keep my head above water but I guess it all hit me yesterday as I stood in the kitchen feeling like the words “YOU SUCK” were written across my face by the looks from both my husband and my daughter.
So here’s a snip-it of a crazy woman’s response to “How are you doing today?”:
I’m feeling OK today. Carolyn gave me good advice this morning: “Fake it till you make it.” She said that she learned this in a single’s class at church about love and how the feeling of love disappears. She said to DO acts to love which will in turn BRING feelings of love.
I mean, of course I love Eva. I know I do. But my feelings last night of such strong hate and anger towards Brett and Eva really scared me.
What’s happened is that lately she’s been rejecting me. I’m not sure why. I don’t know if it’s her age, or if I haven’t been as present lately (this month has been tougher for me than I realized with the family stuff and having feelings of “I will definitely be a failure because both my mom and my aunt were failures as mothers” not that I’m saying they were/are failures, but you know what I mean, it’s always mom’s fault.)
I think it’s because I take things to heart, you know. So all this family drama has had me thinking that there is no hope that I will raise a normal, successful and happy daughter, it just won’t happen. She will be forever depressed and angry just like me because that’s the way we are in my family. It’s a vicious cycle.
I have to stop this way of thinking.
As I was saying she’s been rejecting me lately and it breaks my heart. Obviously you know about the rejection from my before blog post about how she always cries when she leaves the G-ma’s houses, The Green Eyed Monster. It’s annoying and it hurts. But, lately, as in the last week, she has wanted nothing to do with me. At first I just chalked it up to her being a fickle 16-month-old who is being a daddy’s girl at the moment. The way Brett is with Eva is truly amazing! He’s the greatest dad, so patient and loving. How can I even compete?
Then I started getting depressed about it. I was crying and all I wanted to do on Sunday was sleep. I didn’t want to play with her or anything, just sleep.
Then Monday, probably sensing my distance, she withdrew even more from me, and I started getting angry.
Don’t you know I love you?
Don’t you know I would do anything for you?
Last night after sitting in gridlock for 45 minutes to pick up a child that wanted nothing to do with me I got down right pissed off. I started thinking that some people are not meant to have children, and I must be one of those people. Now what I am going to do? I am stuck with a husband and a child that hate me. In 20 years Eva will be in counseling talking about having a mother who didn’t love her enough, didn’t do enough for her, how miserably I’ve failed, and how she wishes she was born to Sabrina’s (her made-up/possible someday BFF) mother.
There’s no hope.
I never should have had a child.
This morning I wake up knowing I was PMSing bad last night – and because of my PMDD I was in a very bad place last night wondering about the girl I knew in high school whose mother had killed herself and wondering how she feels about it today and if she’s angry and depressed, because is being there more important? Even if you’re there as a failure?
Wow, right? I know. Maybe a glass of wine or some Greygoose would have settled me down a bit. But, I’m on restriction.
In seriousness, I am sensing a pattern here. I feel like I wasn’t loved enough as a child, and I have a fear of abandonment. I feel like my mom at times was very cold, not a lot of hugs or I-love-you’s were flying around my house. I’ve made a conscious effort to hug Eva and tell her I love her all the time, but as she has started to reject me I’m seeing myself pulling away which is in turn making her reject me even more, and it’s a vicious cycle. Could this be a repeat of my childhood?
At 8 pm I knew it was time to go to sleep and to end my horrible day.
So am I feeling better today? I feel that God has given me the gift of Eva for a reason. HE believes in me even if I don’t believe in myself. I will continue to try, and I will continue to fail. But I WILL continue.