My Office Crush is Gay.

I’ve mentioned before that I work in a fish bowl.  What I mean, is I work in a building in which the inside looks like a strip mall – the whole front of my office is a glass window.  We all sort of “know” each other just from seeing the same people walking down the hall day in and day out.  People walk by and wave and smile at me all day.  Some ladies walk by and scowl at me as well.  I like to think that’s just because they are jealous of my good looks and charming personality.

Anyways, as much as I do enjoy working despite missing the Chiquita, there are days that are lonnng and boring.  Days in which I stare at the clock waiting for 4:30.  To get through these days I had to do something. 

I developed an office crush. 

I used to have a crush on the UPS man, but then he invited me over to his house for beers, and I sort of thought, hmm, this is not going in the right direction.  So, now I just smile at him and talk to him about the Cubs (he’s a diehard Sox fan) and he usually tells me how much he likes my boots, my outfit, etc. But, as for the office crush that is now over.  Guess he should have played hard to get.

Then I was crush-less for a while.  Like for a long while.

Let me take a moment to explain the office crush.  Or at least my office crush.  Yes, I’m married.  I’m not looking to hook up with my office crush, but rather I just like to watch them walk by (is that creepy?) and smile and wave and maybe flirt a little, I’m really good at batting the eyelashes, but other than that NOTHING.  Let me be clear.  I’m not looking to bag my office crush.

So I was sad and crush-less for a while.  Makes work veryyyy boring.  And, then…I saw him.  No, it didn’t quite go down like that; it wasn’t crush-at-first-sight. 

Down the hall from me is a graphic design company.  All the people who work there seem very cool and urban, like not your typical office employees.  One of the guys, my new crush, is this kind of skinny hipster guy.  He has blonde spiky hair and wears tight black skinny jeans (emo pants??) with black lace-up boots.  Some days he wears a hat, some days he wears hoodies, but all days he has an aura of “cool” about him. 

Today he is wearing his black skinny jeans and a red tee with a scarf; his keys dangling from his hip.  He snaps his fingers as he strolls by.

He’s totally not my type. 

I don’t go for the rocker, urban, cool kinds of guys.  I’m not really sure what my type is.  Oh wait, my type is my husband, of course, in case he’s reading this. 🙂 

And then one day over the summer I left work early to go to the bank for my boss.  I was shocked when I saw him.  I mean, I was taking a different route than I normally do.  I was sitting at a red light waiting for the green arrow.  This guy rounds the corner on a motorcycle.  I did a double take.  HOLY CRAP.  That was skinny jeans guy!  And on a Harley!!

Suddenly his hotness factor went from like a 5 to a 9.  I’m pretty sure I started to perspire. 

I went to work the next day and told my boss that skinny jeans guy has a Harley.  Even my boss thought he was suddenly kind of bad ass.  A couple days after that skinny jeans guy was talking to someone outside my office.  I overheard him say (no, I wasn’t eavesdropping!) that he was “playing a show” that night. 

I started to imagine myself as a groupie.  What would I wear to skinny jeans guy’s show tonight, you know if I was single?  I decided on my short leather skirt, black boots…but wait, I’m not the groupie type!  And then I remembered.  I’m a 32-year-old married office manager with a baby.  Well, that’s okay, either way, my new crush was formed!  Skinny jeans guy is one cool mutha-fucka and yayy now I have someone to crush on again!

At first skinny jeans guy seemed totes into me; like he would walk by and smile and give me the peace sign.  Yeah, he’s wayyy too cool to wave.  I was like; ohmigosh, I have to be careful here.  I don’t need another UPS incident; I’d like to keep my office crush this time.  I mean, I can’t help it that I’m so cute and likeable.

I mean, I was pretty sure skinny jeans guy would be asking me to come see a show.  Like any day now.  And then suddenly skinny jeans guy no longer seemed into me.  He would walk by my office uber cool with his spiky hair and his tight emo pants and he didn’t wave at me anymore, and then he didn’t even look at me anymore!

Wtf is happening?

I mean, I tried not to take it personally.  I’m sure I’m not skinny jeans guy’s type anyways, as I would imagine he goes for beer swigging hipster-type girls, like Avril Lavigne, who have color streaked hair and shop at The Alley.  I’m sure wine-guzzling, Juicy Couture wearing, Giuliana BFF wannabes are sooo not his type.

Still, even though I’m married, my ego was a bit bruised.  I told my boss, “Skinny jeans guy doesn’t wave at me anymore.”

He goes, “You reeked of desperation,” and then burst out laughing.  I think he was joking.

Then, on Friday, my ego was saved.

Friday afternoon I went on a walkabout to drop some checks in the mailbox.  As I walked down the hall I do what everyone else does, and I look in the windows to see what everyone is doing.  Attorney lady is typing frantically on the computer, Insurance lady is on the phone talking away, the Narcissist is back in his office talking to a pretty blonde woman….and then I spot it.

Normally the graphics company keeps their shades drawn so you can only see into their office through the two front doors, unlike my company which is just wide open so people can see me pick my teeth and blow my nose.  But as I walked by that day I noticed that the shades were wide open.  And in the window is a picture of skinny jeans guy.  With another dude.  Omg, it’s SKINNY JEANS GUY WITH HIS HANDS ON THE SHOULDERS OF ANOTHER DUDE!!!!!!!

I like did a complete double take.  Wtf is this?!?  Are they gayAnd not that there’s anything wrong with that….I just about fell over in shock in front of their office.  I tried to get it together and play cool, but my whole walk back to the office I kept repeating to myself, “Is skinny jeans guy gay?”

And then the puzzle pieces started to come together.  His man friend recently started to work there.  Oh yeah, he started working there right around the time that skinny jeans guy stopped waving at me… 

And now I see new dude and skinny jeans guy driving to work together every morning…I mean, I just thought new dude was a nice guy driving skinny jeans guy to work because he like, has a Harley and all, and it’s too cold out to drive now?

And skinny jeans guy does wear really tight pants.

I mean, I suppose he could be gay.  Maybe an Adam Levine type???  

“You will never believe this!”  I shout as I walk inside my office doors.

My boss looked up from his desk and my co-worker peeked her head around the corner.

“I think skinny jeans guy is gay!” I shout.

“Oh yeah, I could have told you that.  I mean, it makes sense…” My boss says.

What?!?  Why didn’t you tell me this?

“You have to go down there and look at the picture!”  I shout.  “Someone has to go down there.  Am I crazy?  It looks like an engagement picture!”

My co-worker walks down to view the alleged engagement photo.  She says, “Is it possible they are just posing that way?”

I say to my boss, “You have to go look!”

“Why do I have to go look?” He asks.

“You just do.  I just need to know.  I need a dude’s opinion.  Please go.”

“Will you stop talking about it if I go look at the picture?”

“Yes,” I promised.

He gets up and heads down the hall.  I am back sitting at my desk anxiously waiting for the verdict.  As he walks down the hall he looks at me through the windows and smiles.  He has a huge grin on his face.

He walks in the door, looks at me, and starts cracking up.  He shrugs and says, “He’s gay.”

Disbelief sweeps across my face.  Immediately I think of the scene from Clueless:

Murray: Your man Christian is a cake boy!

Cher, Dionne: A what?

Murray: He’s a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I’m saying?

Cher: Uh-uh, no way, not even!

Murray: Yes, even; he’s gay!

Dionne: He does like to shop, Cher. And the boy can dress.

If it happened to Cher, I guess it can happen to the best of us. 🙂

3 thoughts on “My Office Crush is Gay.

  1. I think you are so funny. I’m a 21 year old college student and I always find time to read your posts! This last post about your office crush was so hilarious!

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