5 Days of Insanity

One morning in early March as I was getting ready for work, I noticed that I was having a hard time pulling up my skinny jeans.  Hmm…must be because I just washed them, you know, jeans shrink in the dryer!

About a week later I was pulling on another pair of jeans, and I could barely button those suckers up.  Hmmm…must be because I’m getting my period!

****

I got an email from Groupon – it was Groupon “Spring Break” deals.  The very first item on the list was a 5-Day Juice Cleanse from A Choice For Life, a Holistic Wellness Center in Chicago.

I’ve heard mixed reviews on cleanses – some people describe them as a great way to lose 5 – 10 lbs. and others think they are risky and dangerous.

I was feeling desperate though because my pants were getting tighter and tighter, and while I was attempting to eat better and workout I have to admit I wasn’t doing a very good job at it.

The cleanse cost $35 [on Groupon].  I figured it was worth a shot, for $35, why not?  I’ve never done a cleanse before, and I honestly didn’t even know if I had the willpower to go through with it.  I thought it was a good challenge for me as well.  I’ve been eating poorly and drinking too much wine, let’s clean out the tank and start fresh!  You know, some spring cleaning so to speak.

I purchase the cleanse and wait about a week for it to arrive in the mail.  I received the cleanse on St. Patrick’s Day and excitedly ripped the package open.  Inside is a [large] tea bag, a protein pack, and two sheets of paper.

I have the 5 Day Detoxification Program, Fresh Fruit & 100% Juice.

Detoxification is the removal of toxins, acid, mucus and poisons that have invaded your major organs such as the liver, kidneys, spleen, colon, brain, skin, eyes and blood system.

Well holy crap!

Step 1: Twice daily drink 12 oz. of the herbal detox tea in the morning and in the evening.  CHECK.

Step 2: Drink 6 oz. of the protein drink in the morning immediately following the herbal detox tea.  CHECK.

Step 3: All Day, eat fresh fruit and drink 100% fruit juices.  No meat, dairy, bread, pasta.  Eat only fruit.  All you can eat.

Well shit, look at this.  I can eat as much fruit as I want!  I can totes handle this.  No problem!  CHECK.

Step 4: Drink at least 64 oz. of 100% fruit juices on the days shown below.  Also drink 3-4 glasses of water.  CHECK.

Day 1: Sunday

I begin my cleanse on Sunday, March 18th.  I wake up starving at 7:30 am.  I am dying for an iced coffee, like seriously dying.

I drink my tea and protein shake.  By the way, 6 oz. is like nothing.

Not bad, but afterwards I’m still starving which I don’t quite understand because on any given day I don’t usually eat breakfast until about 9 am.  Am I this starving because I know I can’t eat?

Around 10 am I can’t take it anymore.  I need to go to the store and buy fruit and also the fruit juice I need to drink for the next 5 days.

Not to mention I decide I HAVE to get an iced coffee, but I will get it with skim milk and easy sugar.  I mean, that’s better than the way I usually drink it?  And I got a small instead of a large.

This coffee is terrible.  It’s amazing how good coffee tastes with tons of cream and tons of sugar. It’s like dessert.

Day 1 is apple juice.  I love apple juice.  As I’m eating my freshly purchased fruit my stomach is starting to kill me.  Fruit is like really sweet, and I’m gagging trying to eat it all.  I ate strawberries and grapes.  I’d honestly rather starve.  I don’t eat anymore fruit today.

I drink almost the entire 64 oz. (that’s a whole bottle!) of apple juice.  I feel disgusting.

As the day goes on I am very weak.  I am also very bitchy.

We take the Chiquita to the park, and as I’m standing there I feel like I’m going to fall over.  I wasn’t sure if I could even make the walk home.  I’ve seriously never been so hungry in my entire life.

It doesn’t help that it happens to be an 80 degree day in March in Chicago, and my husband wants to go to Dairy Queen.  Gee thanks.

I go to bed and dream about food.

I have 4 more days of this?

Day 2: Monday

At least I have to go to work today so I won’t be sitting at home all day wishing I could eat.  This is probably the first Monday in the history of my life that I’m excited to go to work.

I drink another small iced coffee with skim milk and easy sugar.

My choice for juice today is 100% organic lemonade or to squeeze 6-8 fresh lemons and mix with 64 oz. of water.  Because I don’t like lemonade (unless it’s mixed with vodka) I do the lemon water.  This was actually not bad, and I finished the 64 oz.  Yayy me!

I also pretended that I was a POW, and I was being starved to death by evil Nazi’s.  I can’t fold, I kept telling myself.  I must stay strong!

As weird as it sounds the POW reference keeps me strong and focused.  I do really well today.  3 more days to go, I can do this!

Day 3: Tuesday

I don’t do as well today.

My juice today is a choice of 100% papaya or 100% white grapefruit juice.  I don’t like grapefruits or grapefruit juice so I go to two different stores searching for papaya juice.  Naturally I can’t find it so I have to buy the grapefruit juice.  It’s no fun drinking a juice that you actually hate.  I only drink half the bottle.

I eat watermelon and cantaloupe today, and again I don’t eat nearly enough fruit because it is making my stomach sooo sick.

I have a handful of almonds.

This POMOW (Prisoner of my Own War) is starting to go a little crazy.  I’m soooo hungry.  I can’t even think straight.

I go to bed and dream about food.

Day 4: Wednesday

I’m gonna die.

I can’t do this for two more days.  I just can’t!  I’m starving.  Why am I doing this again?  Why am I practically starving myself?  Is this even normal?

At least today I get to drink 100% cranberry juice, 100% grape juice or 100% pineapple juice.  I opt for the grape juice because I’m a huge fan of grape juice.

I drink almost the entire bottle of grape juice.  I eat some kiwi and some pears.

I text my friend that I can’t do it anymore.  She texts me back BGP (Big Girl Pants from post Ramblings of a Single Mama).

I eat a handful of sunflower kernels and chug a bottle of water.  I sit at my desk and imagine this is what Kate Moss feels like.  I stare at my computer.

Eating is wayyyy overrated.

My bosses have to repeat things to me multiple times today because as they talk to me I stare at them with a blank face.

I text my mom that I’m dying.  She responds: Why are you doing this, Jennifer?

Must.  Eat.  Food.

Day 5: Thursday

I have made it through this cleanse starving myself for the past 4 days.  I feel near death.

My boss says, “You look like a wreck!” (Now there’s a compliment?) “You really don’t look so good today.  I’m starting to get worried.  When is this insanity over with?”

“Today is my last day,” I tell him, as I rub my stomach, which is growling.

Day 5 you have the joy of drinking 64 oz. of prune juice.  I drank half the bottle of prune juice, and I spent about half my day in the bathroom.  Having diarrhea.  In a public bathroom at my work.  It was disgusting and embarrassing.

It was like “ShitBreak” from American Pie.  I was embarrassed to come out of the bathroom stall because the stuff that was coming out of me was some funkyyyyy shit!

O-M-G. That's all I got.

I am the biggest bitch ever today, and I feel like I’m going to fall over at any given second.  I truly have not one ounce of energy.  I wonder what I’m doing to my body.  I kind of even wonder if I will live.

I’m in a lot of pain now.  My head hurts, my stomach hurts, my legs hurt…..sorry, tmi, but my butt hurts, too.

My husband tells me my skin looks yellow and begs me to eat.  I end up eating a small salad because I truly can’t eat any more fruit and I truly can’t stop going #2.

Then Husband tells me how I failed my mission because I ate said salad.  I wanted to kill him.  I sat at the table and yelled at him about how I was starving myself for 5 days for him, damn it, and couldn’t he appreciate it and tell me good job instead of telling me I failed?

He tells me I’m wayyy overreacting and it’s probably because I’m hungry.  I give him a death stare. He shuts the fuck up.

I go to bed and dream about food.

Day 6: Friday

I stop at Dunkin Donuts in the morning for an iced coffee.  Even though I get a large with cream and sugar, I do say easy cream and easy sugar.

I feel proud of myself.  I DID IT! Sort of.  I know I cheated here and there, but in my opinion I succeeded.

I basically didn’t eat for 5 days.
I ended up losing 5 pounds.
Would I say it was worth it?  Yes.
Would I do it again?  No.

I don’t recommend it.  I’m going to make sure I stick to working out and eating right.  My weight will fluctuate, and that’s OK, but instead of going to extreme measures I will remind myself what I went through as a POMOW.  I don’t think I could survive this again.  I don’t think my marriage would survive this again.

For those of you crazy enough to read this and think you STILL would want to try it here is the information you need:

A Choice For Life, Holistic Wellness Center
10650 S. Western Ave.
Chicago, IL 60643
(773) 239-7740
www.AChoice4Life.com

What extreme diets have you done to try to lose weight?

82 thoughts on “5 Days of Insanity

  1. i got this groupon too and came mighty close to doing it! I may do it in the future and I’ve heard that short-term cleanses are the way to go..anything over a week then you’re really risking your health. Great post!

    1. Thanks!! You should definitely give it a shot! Though I did do this banana diet for 4 days and that was way easier! I posted on it as well. 🙂

  2. I am on day 4 of the cleanse and I must say that besides the migraine I got on day 2, I have massive energy and am not really all that hungry either. I do wish I were partaking in on dinner with my family at night (especially because I am the one that makes it and am used to “sampling” as I go along) but I just sit there, slicing up my little green apple and talk about how wonderful, textured and juicy it is as if I am a judge on top chef and my family should all envy MY meal ;P,

    I will say, that I did drink apple juice (not all 64 oz ) but have mostly stuck with lemon water since, to eliminate extra carbs and sugar. Plus I really like it and I feel like it doubles up on my water intake/juice intake I am sure I am wrong but as I’ve always been bad at math, I don’t care. I digress…

    I also started at roughly 114 lbs and am down to 110. I will say that before starting this cleanse that I had already been working out 6-7 days a week for about 6 weeks as it’s almost my 1 year wedding anniversary and we’re going out of town for it. I had also already been eating pretty clean with a few slip ups here and there. I’ve lost a total of 11 lbs in the last 5-6 weeks. 🙂

    I do have one question, did you get pain in your kidney(s) and/or liver or anywhere else? I’ve read this is from the toxins being released and is normal, but I am just curious if anyone else has had this?

    1. Great job with the healthy eating and the weight loss!! 🙂 I don’t remember pain in my kidneys or liver. I remember my stomach hurting…my friend had a lot of pain though, which she write about in 5 Days of Insanity Part II. I’m not sure if it is from the toxins and/or is normal. I am currently doing IChoice’s 30-Day Shakes which I purchased from Groupon so we’ll see how that goes…it’s been 4 days.

      1. How much, if any did you keep off? And what were your eating habits on the days following the cleanse?

      2. I don’t weigh myself so I just gage how my pants fit. After the cleanse I continued to eat well: fruits, vegetables, chicken, 5-6 mini meals, Greek yogurt, etc. but always splurge on pizza on Fridays! I also quit drinking pop which I believe has helped me to keep my weight low because honestly I have not been working out – bad I know. Over the summer I eased up a bit and my pants are getting a bit tight again so that’s why I opted for the 30-Day shakes from IChoice. My body responds well to shakes for 1-meal/day plus I still do the mini-meals. I’m also telling myself that I MUST get back in the gym. Crossing fingers. xx

  3. on day four of the cleanse from groupon…first day was the worst…headache, lethargic, and cranky. now i feel cleaned out (i lost about 9lbs?) and my tummy is less bloated looking…didn’t use sugar free juices, but drank the requisite prune juice daily. lots of berries and grapes. and pineapples. not hungry, unless i smell food. my sense of smell for food is uncanny now. and i dream of food. *sigh* can’t wait until i can stop having to manage my day around having a bathroom nearby at any given moment.

  4. I came across your blog from looking up details about this detox and I have to admit your experience sounds exactly what I am going through. Although, I am not starving. I am not enjoying the tea and shake working my bowel movements more than I care for
    :-/ It’s the worse… I am on day 2 and I am so over fruit hahaha I as well will finish but will not do a fruit juice cleanse again…

    1. Stay strong Jules! You can do it!! I just started IChoice’s 30-Day Shakes. Check back for a review. I bought this on Groupon as well. I’m on Day 2 now! Good luck!!!

  5. Hi! Wow lots to read here…I just got my cleanse and am excited to start it…not only to cleanse my body of toxins but to also shed a few pounds before a big event. So with that said…I am also a teacher and am curious to know which days out of the 5 are the WORST…I am not able to just ‘run’ to the bathroom at any given moment (I would get weird looks from my kids and I can’t leave them alone) sooooo what day of the week is best to start it? Thanks for sharing your experience!

    1. Hi Ashlee! Good luck!! Check out this post from my friend. She offers some tips: https://jleesblog.com/2012/08/24/5-days-of-insanity-part-ii/
      I’m not sure what is the best day to start…for me the worst day was the last day. I was on the toilet all day. Others have said they were on the toilet a lot the 1st day as well (I was not). I would say you want your last day to be Sunday. But, that’s just from my experience. Maybe wait until Christmas break! LOL 🙂

    2. I am on day 3 of this cleanse. I have done detoxes before. I can recommend Renew’s 5 Day Fast Cleanse. But you’ve got to have the will power to not eat. I did very well with it and dropped a great amount of weight without sitting on the toilet. This cleanse from A Choice 4 Life is terrible.

      64 ounces of juice a day, one of those having to be Prune. This was where I started to get uneasy. I am not diabetic, but I lost over 200 pounds eating essentially a diabetic diet. Atkins was right in the base theory of his diet. Low carbs, high protein. If you choose your protein carefully and don’t just eat steak, eggs, and bacon, the system works. Grilled chicken. Steamed fish and veggies. The weight will come off. After keeping the weight off for 3 years, I found myself cheating here and there and wound up gaining weight back. Normally, I would just use a renew life rapid cleanse. It works, not only to detox, but to shed the pounds. That’s where the juice is a problem.

      I purchased no sugar added juices, but that’s still 64 ounces of juice a day. That is EIGHT servings of juice a day. At around 30 carbs (the LOWEST for any juice, no sugar added) a serving, I’m drinking 1920 carbs a day. That is RIDICULOUS. Add any eaten fruits and I’m easily over 2000 carbs. I ate fruit the first day, then just went down to the juicing. The morning of day one I weighed in at 225 pounds. Starting day three this morning, I weighed in a 227 pounds. I GAINED 2 pounds. This after going to the bathroom once an hour and spewing liquid. Of course, I feel the liquid expulsion is a result solely of the fruit juice. I accidentally left my juice at home today. So, this will be a nice test of my theory. If I’m not going to the bathroom based off of the tea and protein mix…then I fail to see what their product is doing to rid me of waste.

      I spent over twenty dollars on juice and another 15 on fruit. Combined with their product I’m at $70 for 5 days of “food”. That’s 14 dollars a day. I am budget conscious. And when I keep to my normal diet, I spend no more than 8 dollars a day on groceries. I feel I’ve wasted money on their product and that the results are a gain of weight from high carbohydrate fruit juices. I had planned initially with this cleanse to use my juicer. However, making 64 ounces of juice a day would be extremely time consuming and extremely expensive. Not to mention their tea and protein mix taste terrible. Milkshake? Perhaps if I ground up sawdust in my blender with some milk their protein drink would taste like a milkshake, otherwise that’s where the comparison ends. I am asking them for a refund. I can’t get my money back for the fruit or the juices, nor can I get the two pounds I gained back, but I would like at the very least to know I didn’t pay an extra $36 bucks to gain weight and have diarrhea for 5 days.

      1. Hi Matthew, sorry to hear you are not satisfied with this cleanse. I will have to look into Renew’s 5 Day Fast Cleanse. I actually just bought another product…I forget the name…it’s shakes and stuff off of Groupon. I’m interested to try it out and will post about it as well. I had no idea all the carbs consumed on this cleanse, and I didn’t even purchase the sugar free juices. Holy moly!! Good luck getting a refund. Thanks for your comment. 🙂

  6. Im on day 4 and so far it has been great – lots of energy, even on day 1. I started this having a terrible cold/flu – it worked wonders for that, and i had no other choice but to start this week. I add at least a cup of fresh fruit to the protein shake blended w/ ice and honey (as suggested on the choice4life site) keeps me pretty full. Had a very hard time w/ the grapefruit juice. Drinking the prune and lemon water today – alternating. I think the key is to have as much variety at home in the beginning. I’ve had blueberries, strawberries, grapes, apples, canteloupe, peaches, raspberries, cherries and pineapple. I am very fortunate that i work from home, otherwise i couldnt do it, for obvious reasons.

    I only went to the store this morning to replenish juice and grapes. I havent cheated once, but also have only lost 2 lbs – but i feel good and i guess that what’s important. I too, pretend that all other food is poison, or im a starving child and thankful for the fruit that i “get” to have. Your blog is hilarious and you remind of how i used to write about my work travel adventures gone wrong!

    Wish i would have started Sunday night – going to a bday party friday night, it may all end at that time. Thanks for your blog! Greatly entertaining.

    1. Good luck!! Yes, I imagine I would be blowing it off Friday night and having a glass of wine! LOL Glad you enjoyed my take on the cleanse and thanks for your feedback. Check out 5 Days of Insanity Part II for my friend’s take on it. She offers suggestions also! 🙂

  7. Hello Jlee,

    First of all, thanks for your blog. It’s actually really nice to have a place to get support.

    I replied a couple of times in July right after I ordered my detox/cleanse. I found your blog while looking for information. I thought “what’s the big deal? It’s a 5 day cleanse people!”

    Well….the reason I’m writing now is because I feel like crap and just need a little support and encouragement. It took the full 21 days to receive the product and since I had a couple of special events, I held off doing the cleanse until this week. I figured 5 days, Monday through Friday would be easier than starting on a weekend! 1st big mistake! This is day 2 and I am sitting at work wishing I was home in bed. I almost called in sick today. Suggestion: Start this on a weekend. Or better yet, take some days off work!

    So I have to say, this cleanse is definitely not for wimps! Day one sucked! I felt great first thing in the morning after drinking the tea and protein drink. Later in the morning I started getting a headache. Drank some juice (mixed a few of them together, including the prune), ate fruit throughout the day. By the afternoon I was so tired, no energy, and the headache got worse. I went home after work and got into bed. Throughout the evening I continued to feel tired and cold. I got up about 4 times with stomach cramps and had to go to the bathroom – a lot!

    This morning, day 2, I was honestly thinking of quitting! This is really tough! I don’t remember feeling this bad with the other cleanses I have done. I spent way too much time on the toilet, miserable with cramps. I thought I was going to pass out! I forced myself to get in the shower and go to work. So here I am. Glad I haven’t given up. I don’t want to, but I was getting worried about how bad I was feeling. It’s like I have a flu. I’m hoping I feel better as the day goes on.

    Note: I tried to prepare myself for this cleanse by cutting out meats, sugars, caffeine, flour. Did pretty good for a couple of weeks, but then I had a baby shower a week ago (ate lots of cake) and another event this past the weekend. I ate chocolate cake, drank a ton of coffee, and had a couple of bites of beef. 2nd mistake. I think maybe that’s one of the reasons I have a terrible headache – caffeine withdrawls. Probably also just from the toxins being stirred up. Next time I do this I will definitely cut out all the bad stuff for a week or two before. I think it makes for an easier transition.

    I do not want to quit! Any encouragement would be appreciated! Thanks!

    1. Good luck and stay strong!! My friend just did this cleanse and offered some great tips. Check it out: 5 Days of Insanity Part II. YOU CAN DO IT ROSE!!!!! 🙂

    1. They did! But it was hard to stick with … came back on… so now I’m doing mini-meals and I have eliminated pop from my diet and it has worked wonders. I just need to get to the gym to tone up!

  8. Im on day 2.. The pain in my stomach is unbearable and I’m scared to go to work as a bartender like that. I usually work out (Im doing Shaun t’s insanity, apparently I’m extremist) but today I decided not to work out while detoxing. I got nausea, headache, bad very liquid diarrea, and the worst stomachache… I hope I can make it…

  9. I just purchased the cleanse off groupon. I’m definitely excited as I have never done a cleanse before. I think it will be great to give my metabolism a jump start. I eat pretty healthy and workout but I think a cleanse would be great for my body both physically and mentally. Thanks for the great blog and info!

  10. Wow, I read that top to bottom and feel like I can make an informed decision NOT to buy the Groupon today! HA! Your writing is clear and concise, and funny! Thanks for sharing, this is the #1 thing that comes up when you Google reviews for it, so I thought it was going to be some hyped up, paid blogger advertising! HA! Thanks again.

    1. Haha! My friend actually just did the cleanse and is doing a write-up about it for my blog so check back! She had a rough go of it as well. Wow, I can’t believe I come up first on Google. Yayy! Though I’m sure the company doesn’t like that!! 😉 Thanks for stopping by. Will head over to your blog this afternoon.

      1. I had to cut it to four days but I must say my body feels different and I shed three pounds and my tummy has gone down some more. I did not enjoy the random tummy aches that came with a lot of sweating, feeling weak and out of it,the constant bathroom use and the fact that my butt is also sore. I think I will most defenitely watch what I eat and continue with my exercising. No more liquid cleanse for me.

  11. I just started the cleanse today. So far it’s really not that bad. I made a smoothie with the protein drank the tea and an entire bottle of apple juice and I’m not even hungry. I will not be drinking prune juice though lol. Other juices are fine.

  12. Today is my 3rd day on the cleanse. Its actually going well. The eating of fruit is a bit tiring because after a while of consuming it gets way too sweet but I’m glad that this juice cleanse is natural and vegan and that you CAN eat fruit and drink fruit juice. Unlike the master cleanse where it’s strictly the god awful juice and nothing else. The tea as well as the protein meal replacer doesn’t taste half bad. Of course like all cleanses the bathroom part is a given. It becomes a bit draining after awhile but you gotta have the will power to know that it’s only 5 days and that it’s going to be SO worth it, your body will thank you. When I feel super hungry I go ahead and eat more fruit and drink fruit juices and fruit purees and a drink a shit ton of water my belly becomes full by then. I too wish I could drink coffee in the morning (I used to work at Starbucks for God’s sakes) so being an addict is an understatement. But like I said, will power and commitment will make you go through it. I am still able to work out in the morning. I do about an hour of cardio, calisthenics, yoga, kickboxing within the hour and I feel just fine. The cleanse actually gives me energy; must be all the natural stuff in the mixes. The first day of my detox was the hardest. Felt week and a bit weird. The weakness was probably from not eating like how I’m used to. The weird feeling was most probably my body detoxifying from all the crap and chemicals I’ve been consuming for 25 years of my life.. I wanted to chew on a piece of gum yesterday but my fiance told me not to because it has chemicals. I was sad. But got over it.
    I got up 3 times during the night to go, let’s just say we have A LOT of built up old foods in there (especially meat flesh that needed to be cleaned out!!
    Today is my 3rd day I’m about to go drink my 12 oz detox tea. I’m half way done!! You can do it too!! Just a bit of discipline, will power and strength and you”ll be a stronger person than you thought you were.
    Oh and I suggest you don’t cheat. It’s not really worth it if you do its only 5 days MAN up will ya?! If I can do it anyone can, don’t be lazy I know you have it in you! It’s totally worthwhile!

  13. I am less than 24 hours in and am already miserable. Hunger is not my problem, but the bathroom visits are. And this is only day 1?!?! I really am going to try to succeed in this cleanse, but I have to work tomorrow and cannot spend the day IN a bathroom, so we will see how that goes
    And by the way, you Don’t have to drink the juices in a certain order on a certain day. My flyer says “drink each individual juice in any order or mix all juices together.”
    I will be omitting the prune juice all together. 😉

    1. Oh no! Hang in there!! Good idea to omit the prune juice. That sh*t is nasty. My friend just did the cleanse last week and struggled also. She’s doing a write up for my blog so check back. 🙂 Stay strong!

  14. I am on day one of this juice cleanse that I purchased from groupon, I feel very tired and want to sleep so bad. My two year old is running circles around me……. I hope that I can make it

      1. Iam eating some multigrain crackers now, i think my workout this morning is making me very hungry. I will check back. Thanks for the good luck!

  15. Hello
    tomorrow is my 3 day.. i hope i can make it…im dying to get some food….i went to whole food supermarket and i bouth a bag of dried apricots , somenthing different i guess….

  16. Sorry it didn’t work for you but if you read it right u could make smoothies with frozen fruit, juice and ice . I am cop and I did it and lose 18 pounds in a week . Your coffee and cream was your problem. You should have been going to the bathroom multi- times . Try it again and stick to it little working out like 15 mins a day . Good luck hope you give it another try

  17. Funny – I just bought the Groupon too, and like so many of the other commenters decided to Google reviews after my purchase. I actually am on Day 2 and so far am not hungry at all. Am even feeling good. I did cheat a tinsy bit. Making cupcakes with my daughter – it was too hard to resist a few yummy bites of cake batter. I totally relate to the bathroom nightmare! First day of cleanse on my drive home from work I really really thought I was going to have an explosion in my pants before I could get to a gas station!! The random explosions have continued today, thank goodness it’s the weekend and decided to back out of a 4 hour kayak trip – that could have been ugly. Hopefully I make it the 5 days unscathed.

  18. In response to “JimmyB”: I would say, not that you’re asking me, but I have learned from experience to read as much as I can on a product. There will always be pros and cons, so it is best to gather all the information and then make an educated decision.

    When I have done a detox or cleanse and followed it as far as not “cheating”, the results are amazing! Not to mention the confidence it gives me that I can accomplish anything. Also, I have so much more clarity because I am not loaded with toxins! I think it’s a small sacrifice compared to all the days of my life. Some people can’t do it for one reason or another. I NEVER thought I could go 1 day without FOOD! I did a cleanse for 10 days a couple of years ago, so to me 5 is a piece of cake. On the 10-day cleanse I only drank a liquid; couldn’t eat or chew anything! From that point on I can no longer eat processed foods without feeling like crap!

    Good luck!

  19. I read your blog and just wanted to share my thoughts. I have done cleanses many times in the past. It has been about a year and a half since my last one and I just stumbled across this one through a friend sending me a groupon for a massage. I ordered it and am waiting for it to arrive.

    It sounds as though most people are doing this for the weight loss, in which case, yes, exercise and good eating would probably be better. But I think a lot of people are missing the whole point of what this does for your whole body and mind! This is sort of like getting Roto-Rooter to unclog your drain. There’s so much build up and toxins in our bodies from all the bad stuff. Sure I like the fact that I lose a few pounds but what I really like is that most of the time after a cleanse, I am not craving the bad stuff anymore. Especially if I start eating healthy foods directly after the cleanse. It totally gets me back on track, so if I do need to lose more weight, this is sort of a boost because I’m feeling better on the inside and am not bloated. Feeling bloated makes it very difficult to want to exercise.

    1. Yes, you are so right! It is definitely a good jump start to healthy eating. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. Good luck w/the cleanse! 🙂

      1. WOW. I’m pretty sure this is the 1st blog I’ve ever read, or at least read in its entiretry. Found it by “googling” the product from Groupon. Honestly, at 1st I thought it was probably some commercial posing as a blog. After several laughs I realized it was legit. Pretty funny stuff. I guess we could all stand to loose a few pounds. I can loose 5 pounds in a week without a cleanse. I just want to know if it really “detoxifies/cleans you out”. That, I’m SURE I could use. Any thoughts on that “end” of it, LOL?

        Thanks, Jimmyb

      2. Thanks for reading and commenting! I would say yes, it definitely cleans you out. LOL As far as detoxifying, I didn’t really feel much different as far as energy, etc., but I was motivated to eat better and exercise if that helps. Good luck if you decide to try it! 🙂

  20. This cleanse is not that bad as long as you’re eating something. To ease you a bit, try the following:

    Don’t use pre-bottled juice. Store bought juice has been filtered & pasteurized and has chemicals added to “preserve freshness” so all the natural nutrients are gone. Get a $20 juicer and take 5 minutes to do it yourself.

    Make your own “soda” using plain seltzer water and any fresh squeezed juice you like (lemon, orange, apple, grape, kiwi…). It’ll help with the monotony

    For variety, why not cook some of the fruit. Apples and pears are great baked.

    Make “jello”, using fresh squeezed juice, water and plain powdered gelatin.

      1. You’re most welcome jlee5879. There’s probably a lot of other ideas out there on the internet. Raw food cookbooks are great as well. People put THEMSELVES in a box when it comes down to cleanses but being creative makes it more bearable.

        Like blending fresh blue, black and strawberries with cherries and a splash of lemon juice and freezing them into Popsicles…there you go: fresh fruit, just prepared differently. Or making a fruit salsa (mango, strawberry, avacado — which is a fruit — and other small soft fruits) and eating it with sliced firm fruit (apples, pears,,,)

        Be grateful for being able to actually eat SOMETHING. Some cleanses allow no food whatsoever.

    1. Wow! I’m no expert just a mom on a mission for inside & outside health, but I would love to share what’s have accumulated over the years.

      1. OK great! My email is jlee5879@live.com. 🙂 I have a lot of mom readers who are trying to be healthy but struggling with work, multiple children and other commitments which can make taking care of yourself difficult…I think you’d have great things to say! But, if you’d rather not, no pressure either. Thanks again for reading and commenting.

  21. I have been doing my own detox sorta but I saw this groupon and wanted to see reviews… My detox is exactly this but just not from CFL. I’ve been to the bathroom 47746 times for 4775 hours and I’m embarrasses to say, yes I got bored and brought phone out while.. well, I’m here reading this blog about you drinking the prune juice and if I wasn’t already in b-room I would have S myself laughing. You remind me of me in a way and I loved reading your play by play because I can and am relating to everything you have said… minus husband and skinny jeans part… I’m a health conscious very straight male just to clarify. On day 4 of this shitcapade, and I can honestly say, cleaning is one of the best things you can do to feel “good”… not like just normal but feel good good.. Like your mood is elevated constantly and your body can actually do the things it’s supposed to for you! I’m debating on the day 5 total intestine whipout prune juice event… might have to call the potty room and get reservations for 8,830,9,10,1015,1030,11,1105, ehh all the way til midnight. I’m scared, worth it?

    1. O. M. G. Seriously sitting at my desk laughing out loud. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it today!! Love love love the potty room reservations….hahaha too funny. Good luck with Day 5!!!! You’ve made it this far, I say go for it! 😉

  22. Lmfao! I was crying this was so funny. I had just been thinking of purchasing the groupon but thanks to your blog I know I can’t. Guess i’ll hit the gym tomorrow instead:(

  23. Any other recommendations for someone about to do this? I bought the groupon too and I’m starting tomorrow (wanted to make sure prune juice day was on a day I wasn’t working!!

    Does the weight you lose stay offn

    1. off* if you eat healthy afterwards?

      Any bathroom surprises other than on the 5th day?/does it continue onto the 6th day?

      And for fellow caffeine addicts out there, we’re there any fruits or anything that helped deal with no coffee all week??

    2. Good luck! Let me know how it goes!! Day 6 and 7 I was still very weak and had loose stools but nothing crazy like Day 5. I haven’t eaten as healthy as I would like – I try hard, I do – but I slip in pizza on Friday nights, wine on the weekends, etc., so unfortunately I’m close to back where I started. My body responds well to working out, which I need to make a priority but is difficult to do w/a full time job and a little one. I’m trying my hardest!

      Good luck with the caffeine – I couldn’t quit coffee but I am proud to say I quit pop on May 24th and have not had one since. LaCroix is AMAZING!!! I highly recommend!

  24. Just started today (hadn’t found your blog until AFTER I made my purchase) . . . Started the day optomistic . . . It’s now 4:00 and I don’t know if I’m gonna make it . . . Been in the bathroom no fewer than 8 TIMES already!!! Gas is UNBELIEVABLE!! – Made the mistake of wearing a one piece jumpsuit to work today . . . This is not cute!!!!

  25. Great Job! A friend insists I do this cleanse. But with everything I had to research it myself, which brought me to your blog. You seriously had me laughing the whole time!! Actually, I laughed the hardest when your husband told you to eat a salad then gave you shit for it. HA! Totally something I would do. Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh at your expense. Nice reference on the POMWOW too. Anyways, you’ve convinced me NOT to do it and to just hit the gym, eat right, and power through with your blogmares in mind!

    Thanks,
    Alex.

    1. Awesome! Thanks for the feedback!! I’m trying something right now called Ideal Shape, which is shakes 1-2 times/week. That is working pretty well. Good luck!

      🙂

  26. Thank you thank you for a wonderful and honest review. Not only did you provide good info but entertained me because I just bought this as well and was looking for reviews on what to expect. I think I will supplement with some veggies and reduce some of the juice the calories will probably be less anyway and it will at least give some substance. Maybe a yogurt here or there. Thanks again and my husband thanks you for the review as well. He has already warned me not to starve myself because he couldnt take it.

    1. Good luck with it!! I like the idea of adding some veggies. I’m doing another shake thing right now called “Ideal Shape.” You’d think I’d have learned…haha! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by.

  27. I so wish I read this before I purchased the groupon for both my husband and I. I started mine yesterday and was miserable (I did cheat a little a piece of beef jerky and two pieces of broccolli), headache, tired, crabby. My husband said to me if your going to be crabby I am not sure you should do this, death stare :). He started his today and is regretting the things he said. I feel like giving up and getting a huge burrito. Not sure that it is worth the way I feel for a couple lbs. Thanks for the review, it makes me feel like it is not just me and I was thinking as it went on it might get better, sounds like that is not the case.

  28. This was so entertaining! I’ve always wondered about those cleanse diets…. I don’t think I could really go through it though. Not that I don’t have the will-power, but I fear that I will do at lot of the things you mentioned. Become bitchy and irritable, spend my days on the toilet, and be tormented by dreams of hamburgers and milkshakes. Oh- and no coffee for the week… Hell No! It was a fun read! Thanks!!

  29. Honestly, Even though the topic is not one that would interest me I had my time laughing while reading through it. Its amazing how you put those painful(to say) feelings into words in such hilarious way!
    Nice!

    1. Thanks so much for stopping by and for your comment! Yes, it was not a fun five days!! I’ll be sure to check you out as well. Thanks again!! 😀

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