I am afraid. I am always afraid. I often pray that the Chiquita does not experience the same fear and anxiety that have plagued my life. I don’t know why I’m so afraid.
I used to sing songs in line at Burger King at five years old. The whole store would stop and listen. And then they would clap for me. I would beam with excitement. What happened to that little girl? That brave girl who loved to sing for an audience, who loved talking to people, who loved to experience life. What happened to her?
Here I sit. What I am afraid of?
I’m afraid of trying and failing.
I’m afraid of being a bad mother.
I’m afraid of being a bad person.
I’m afraid everyone will hate my book.
I’m afraid of confrontational situations.
I’m afraid of running the ½ marathon I desired to run 3 years ago.
I’m afraid of people leaving me – family, friends, my daughter
This list is crazy. Everyone has fears, but my fears just seem so … irrational?
So today I’m full of fear.
I’m not a super religious person but I did pray about it, asking God what I should do. I just feel deep inside me that this will be a life-changing opportunity. I’m not saying I’m going to go to New York and be discovered and be the next Snooki, but I do feel like this will in some way help secure or at least shape my future. Whether it’s me personally or my writing career or whatever it may be I feel something.
The original launch party was scheduled for tomorrow. I had merely found out about it weeks ago, and I didn’t think I would be able to swing it even though I so badly wanted to attend. As I said, I prayed to God for guidance.
Ironically, I found out the very next day that the launch party had been pushed back to May or June. I was like, Omg, it’s like God answered my prayers.
I kept looking for a way to bail. The money, the childcare…but all the signs kept pointing to GO JEN GO! Everything was falling exactly into place.
So this morning I did it. I booked my ticket to New York! O-M-G! I’m going to New York!
And then reality set in. O-M-G. I’m going to go to New York. Alone.
Ohhhhmmmmmiiiiggggosh. I can’t do this. I can’t go to New York – ALONE! What the hell was I thinking?
And then fear set in.
With my flight booked I now had to book my hotel. And now I’m panicking. With every step being completed it’s becoming more and more real. More and more official.
I’ve flown alone before, but I’ve always been picked up at the arriving airport. I have never in my 32 (almost 33) years flown before and arrived at a new city by myself with no one there. I have to take a cab from LaGuardia Airport to the Chelsea Inn at 11 pm at night. I have to figure it out…by myself.
I don’t have normal fears, like I’m going to die or someone is going to mug me. My fear is…what if I get lost? What if no one likes me? What if I get a crazy bout of diarrhea? What if I just can’t do it alone? I picture myself standing in the middle of 5th Ave. crying. Resigned to my fears.
This is not the kind of person I started out to be. This is not the kind of person I want to be. This is not the person I want my daughter to become.
I remind myself to stay strong. I CAN do this! My mind spins with what-if this and what-if that.
I figure my co-worker is ready to kill me when I ask her: “What if the hotel is like nasty and I have to sleep on top of the covers for fear of getting Herpes?”
I decided to take a break. To go to my sanctuary (Dunkin Donuts) and to write in my journal while sipping an iced coffee. I write: New day; new hopes, new dreams and new fears.
I remind myself of BGP. I remind myself that this is one more step towards my goal of selling my book and continuing to blog which is something that makes me happy and something that makes me feel complete. I remind myself of how far I’ve come, and how I don’t want to stop here. I want to continue to grow and improve my life. I do have a spirit inside me. My spirit may be plagued by fear and anxiety, but I can’t let it be a crutch. I have to challenge myself.
I returned to my office from my sanctuary still feeling like my head was going to explode despite the iced coffee and the anxiety pill. And I returned to this email from my co-worker:
“For God did not give me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
Don’t be brought down by your anxiety or fear, but embrace the spirit that God has naturally given you. Step out in faith. He’s given you this opportunity to go to New York and He will take care of you. 🙂 I’m praying for you!
So here’s to letting go of fears and my trip to New York! I can’t wait to share this experience with you … so check back next month. 😀