I wrote I Want a Divorce [Drama] in October 2010. It is one of my favorite posts because I think it represents how vulnerable I was at the time. The Post Partum Depression I suffered from was suffocating me. I knew I was going crazy, but I didn’t have a clue how sick I really was. I was on a speeding train ready to crash and burn. Unfortunately it would be another four months on this [crazy] train before I would finally get the help I needed.
I know this post was very difficult for many of my friends to read. It caused them to be fearful and worried for my well-being, but now that I am in a healthy place, please give it another read and see if you feel differently about it now. I’ve entered this piece in a couple of contests hoping for publication, but without any luck yet. Maybe it’s not as good as I think? But, it’s mine, and I will always cherish this post. I hope you enjoy it as well.
You’re not healthy for me, and you know it. I try to push you away. You repeatedly creep back in and say you’re here to stay.
Like the mold in my shower I keep scrubbing away. Scrubbing you out of my tomorrow and today. The harder I scrub, the harder it is to resist you. I can’t get cleansed of you and the more wrinkled and bloody my hands become. The toxic products destroy my skin, but also my lungs, as I breathe you in.
I know you’re harmful to me, you’re toxic, but like you’re my drug addiction I can’t stop you. I can’t fight it. You are always there. You enter my body and poison my veins. Like a river you flow through me, and now I don’t care. You tingle through my arms, my legs and my feet…I can taste you on my lips and boy do you taste sweet.
You reach my heart and slowly squeeze it. I’m suffocating; I need air. I look in the mirror and see the damage you have done, though I’m still here. My heart is broken and weak, do you see me suffering? My eyes are empty and pleading; but you will slowly kill me.
“God help me!” I cry out. I plead with him, please! I will do anything, God, just make me free. He listens, but not for long….because you slither back in. You follow me throughout my day and into the eve. You’re the nightmare I can’t break free from; you’re with me every night. I wake up in a cold sweat, thinking of you and pining for you, but dreading the light.
You don’t know how not to wound me. And you don’t care when you do. You take over my mind and my body and bounce me like a yo-yo. You watch me whither away until I resign my soul to you. I am a robot wandering aimlessly about and you have the remote control.
You exhaust me and frustrate me and anger me, too. Can’t you see that I’m tired and sick without you? I’m just exhausted of the lies and pain that you’ve caused. I can’t take this anymore. I want a divorce from you. I want to be away from you and never see your face again. I want to – I need to – break free of these powers you have over me.
But I don’t seem to know how. I can’t get away from you! No matter how hard I try to leave you, you come find me and fight. You carry me back in, and without you I might die. No matter how much wine I drink to numb me, I still wake up cold, and empty, and alone. Sober I am your puppet and you run the show. My puppet master, you will operate me while I fight for my life. When I’m drunk I don’t fear you, but crave your bite.
Stop! Just stop the madness, with you I plead! But you don’t and you won’t, why don’t you see? Like a vampire you bite me and suck more blood from me. You let me lay close to death, and then you breathe air into my lungs. Just then, my eyes open, and I see you standing there. I look you in the face, and I don’t feel angry, my memory erased. I’m happy to see you. You make me feel alive and well again. I can breathe! Oh how I’ve missed you. Oh how I need you by my side.
And then you suck the air from my lungs again, leaving me drained and helpless with only my jumbled thoughts and fears. I break into tears and you lick my face clean. The tears keep flowing from my eyes and you watch me weep. I’m drowning in a river of sorrow and pain. Help me please! You throw me a rope, and you rescue me.
There I lay begging you to wrap your warm arms around me. You smile at me like the Cheshire Cat and disappear into thin air. I’m alone and crying. Where did you go? Why did you leave me again? Come back for me. Please.
Then you reappear with a soft voice telling me to follow you here…follow you through the woods and out of this nightmare. We can wake up in Wonderland, together you and me. But, your voice is getting fainter and again you leave me. I can’t hear you anymore! Wait up. Wait for me! And you’re gone again, forcing me to finally see.
I twirl around in circles; my arms stretched out wide. I’m spinning and spinning, you’re no longer by my side. I’m dizzy and falling, and the rain pours down. My long black hair rinses clean, and I am back to me; back to blonde. I’m free of you. I’m free! I’m looking in the mirror again – at me, at me smiling, and blonde, and tan and pretty. And you startle me. There I see you just behind me. You smile at me, reminding me you will always be just behind the curtain, you will wait to reappear and throw me off-balance from my life. Reminding me you will come back for me; this will never be done, no matter how far I run and hide, no matter what color my hair, no matter drunk or sober, you will still be there. You whisk me up and will sweep me away, against all my efforts to be still, to stay.
I follow you down the dark damp hole. I hear drip…drip….and I’m looking everywhere, where did you go? You tell me left, I look right, you tell me right, I look left. I’m so confused, let’s end this right. I want a divorce, drama, that’s what I need. Please, drama, grant me the divorce I need. I beg of you let me break free, give me this opportunity. But you don’t. You won’t. You never will.
You breathe me in and suffocate me. I gasp for air. You take away my fears and then disappear. You leave me scared and alone, down deep in the hole. I try to crawl out towards the light. Just a few more steps to go, I can no longer fight, drama.
Free me of these silly games, I don’t deserve to suffer this way. Thank you fear and violence, and disillusionment and hope; thank you sadness and laughter, and anguish and faith. Thank you drama, can you hear? For without you I have no confidence to stay…. I want a divorce….drama, please, just allow me to be. Drama…please let me go….I am broken and alone.