Why I [Sometimes] Wish I Was a Lesbian

We’ve all heard of the book by Dr. John Gray, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and while I’ve never actually read the entire book there are times when I look at my husband with such annoyance and aggravation that I think to myself: I wish I was a lesbian!

I’m sure lesbians have problems in their relationships, too, but I imagine that they at least ‘get’ each other, as opposed to men and women – like how my husband does things and I shake my head and think wtf are you doing? I don’t get how his brain works!

For one, why is it impossible for men to watch the children AND keep a clean house? I manage to do it, why can’t he?

I suppose I should explain where this vent is coming from, and thank goodness he doesn’t read my blog anymore because he would be pissed to know I blogged my frustrations about him for all to read, but seriously what else am I to do?

I could bitch and moan about it but it’s never going to change because he’s the way he is, and I’m the way I am. I nag him enough as it is, so some things I just need to let go. I’m not good at letting things go though and if it just eats at me I’ll be ready to seriously consider leaving him for a woman, because, for realz, what’s the point of leaving him for another man?

My husband is a great man. Let me give you the reasons.

– He puts up with me, and if you read Jlee’s Blog you might wonder how any man could put up with me, and I actually had a blog commenter say that once. She said my husband must be a saint to put up with me. LOL

– He puts up with four other women, besides me. That would be my two bonus daughters, our daughter (the Chiquita) and his ex-wife. That’s a lot of females for one poor dude to deal with. There are days he wants to run away from us all.

– He is very helpful with our daughter. He has never once said I can’t go meet a friend; he always encourages me to have time with my girls.

Isn’t this the most beautiful bag you’ve ever seen????

– He has never ever told me not to buy that pair of Jessica Simpson boots or Juicy Couture bag. When I told him last night that I found a Marc Jacobs bag at Nordstrom that I would love love love to buy he didn’t even freak out when I told him the bag costs $1,400! Yeah, I wish, and I’m pretty sure he knows I wouldn’t blow our hard-earned money on that, even if I’d love to. Having a child makes you so darn practical!

But, now on to what drives me to think of lesbianism.

– No sex is enough sex. It’s like they always want more. I can’t keep up. Even if we did it every single day he would then want it twice a day. I’m destined to fail.

– My idea of clean and his idea of clean are wayyyy different.  Like why do men let the dishes pile up in the sink? The dishes are much easier to wash right now than 48 hours later when the food is hard and crusty on the plate. And what’s with shavings on my bathroom sink?

– If he does manage to wash the dishes or clean up toys he needs a cheerleader. He’s so proud of himself. Look what I did! I want to roll my eyes and say I do that every single day! But, instead, like a good doting wife I say, “Oh my gosh, honey, I’m sooo lucky to have you. You are the best husband!”

Good work! Now go clean the house bitch!

This morning he did let me sleep in until 9 am – let me talk him up again – and when I got up a large iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts was waiting for me on the counter (he’s such a saint!), but I still couldn’t help but wonder if I was a lesbian and came home at 3:30 in the morning from a bachelorette party what could I expect of my Sunday morning?

– Would my wife let me sleep until noon?

– Would my wife have washed all the dishes and cleaned up the toys?

– Would my wife have put the Chiquita to sleep in her clothes?

– Would my wife have thrown the Chiquita at me after she woke me at 9 am and allowed me deal with cleaning the house, starting laundry, cleaning a poopy diaper, making all the beds?

– Would my wife have tried to hug me when she sensed my aggravation over the lack thereof work that was done yesterday in my absence?

– Would my wife have asked me how many women hit on me last night and wanted me to consistently replay the tale of the Guida with the cigarette breath hitting on me when I was so obviously not into the conversation?

– Which then brings me to wouldn’t the Guida have picked up on my ‘not interested’ signals and left me alone instead of continuing to try talk to me?

Snooki and JWoww – Secret Lovers?

It’s not that I’m wanting to leave my husband, or wanting become a lesbian, but I just wonder what my life would be like with a wife. I would think that it would be pretty cool to have a wife to handle day-to-day life but maybe I’m not giving men enough credit? Men have a lot of pressure to be the man of the house, the breadwinners,,,and other things I’m not privy to since I have a female brain.

Put the old ball-n-chain to work!

And as I finish writing this post right now Hubs is running upstairs to get the Chiquita up from her nap. Aww I really am one lucky girl to have him for my husband. 🙂

Now if only I could have a wife, too! 😉

What do you think readers?
Do you ever want a wife?
What do my men readers think, do you ever want a husband?

This post is dedicated with love to my husband and my soulmate, Brett. We really do make a great team, and I love you.