It’s been a while since I’ve written something real, something raw. Since the Post Partum Depression I’ve been trying to be upbeat. I kind of went with the mentality ‘fake it till you make it’. It’s not like everything has been a lie. I am happy and I am doing well, but lately…
Honestly lately has been a struggle. A real struggle. I sat to write this after a morning of hearing “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy…” incessantly (think Stewie in Family Guy even down to me saying ‘What’ and the Chiquita saying ‘Hi’) followed by tantrums galore.
I know this is part of parenthood but I found myself in the shower thinking I just want 5 minutes of silence followed by anger that my husband is at work every God forsaken Saturday leaving me to care for our spirited toddler alone to a depression that I haven’t felt for a long time with these overwhelming feelings sadness and pure defeat. “I can’t do it today.”
When this first came on I adopted the ‘fake it till you make it’ mentality – I can do this; I’m a good mom! Yet the feelings weren’t subsiding. I wasn’t alarmed though because due to my PMDD (see Reason #26 Why I’m Crazy) I usually feel a little down for about one week out of the month. During those hard weeks I see my counselor, I journal (journaling is a great outlet and I recommend it to anyone who struggles with a lot of “feelings”), I run, and I give myself a break. I love myself just a little more; I treat myself to a latte. I also don’t drink during this time while my hormones go crazy because let’s be honest, alcohol would just make me act more like a lunatic (see Just Stop Talking).
With my lovely gift of PMDD I’m used to heightened anxiety and feelings of self-loathing once a month, but when it stretched on for weeks I knew something was wrong. My demons had been stirring – trying to get out and break my spirit and I would say that they succeeded because I’m broken today. I’m not in need of an oil change, but like a whole new engine at this point. I noticed it last night when I was out with some friends. I sat there not feeling like myself. Even staring off a bit. ‘Fake it till you make it’.
Where did this come from?
There has been a bit of stress I can attribute this to. As I always say big Italian families are great and blended families are a true testament of patience and love, but that doesn’t mean it all runs smoothly like a well-oiled machine. There have been a number of instances in the last month which have had me questioning my entire being; which have brought on those old feelings of me wanting to flee. Only this time I wanted to take the Chiquita and just run.
Out of respect for my loved ones I can’t share the details but being the sensitive soul that I am I’ve been crushed, and I’m struggling to overcome the fear, hurt and anger. Never being one who is good at letting things go here it has festered inside me until I finally cracked this morning.
Looking at my innocent and happy daughter I thought she doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve me. I made that horrible call to my doctor to say that something is wrong and that I’m not getting better. I feel like a failure, but this doesn’t just hurt me now. I have an innocent child to protect and love. We raised my medication slightly. I guess just so I can get myself back on track, which I will. I’ve had a lot of hurt in my life but I’m not going to let it bring me down. We all have something and this is the battle God gave me to fight.
Why am I sharing this today?
After the Post Partum Depression I was honestly sick of myself so I can only imagine how my loved ones felt. Scared, frustrated, annoyed, worried? The old-age “Why can’t she just be happy?” After a bit of that judgment I decided to suffer in silence. I knew what I needed to do, and I would do it. Without everyone’s opinions.
Today I realized why I haven’t been writing.
I haven’t been writing because I didn’t want to lie to my readers. I wanted to share this with you in case another mom is out there struggling. Or not even a mom – just anyone who may be out there struggling. Please stay strong as I am and know that this too shall pass.