A Letter to My Readers

Confusion settles in

It’s been a while since I’ve written something real, something raw. Since the Post Partum Depression I’ve been trying to be upbeat. I kind of went with the mentality ‘fake it till you make it’. It’s not like everything has been a lie. I am happy and I am doing well, but lately…

Honestly lately has been a struggle. A real struggle. I sat to write this after a morning of hearing “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy…” incessantly (think Stewie in Family Guy even down to me saying ‘What’ and the Chiquita saying ‘Hi’) followed by tantrums galore.

I know this is part of parenthood but I found myself in the shower thinking I just want 5 minutes of silence followed by anger that my husband is at work every God forsaken Saturday leaving me to care for our spirited toddler alone to a depression that I haven’t felt for a long time with these overwhelming feelings sadness and pure defeat. “I can’t do it today.”

When this first came on I adopted the ‘fake it till you make it’ mentality – I can do this; I’m a good mom! Yet the feelings weren’t subsiding. I wasn’t alarmed though because due to my PMDD (see Reason #26 Why I’m Crazy) I usually feel a little down for about one week out of the month. During those hard weeks I see my counselor, I journal (journaling is a great outlet and I recommend it to anyone who struggles with a lot of “feelings”), I run, and I give myself a break. I love myself just a little more; I treat myself to a latte. I also don’t drink during this time while my hormones go crazy because let’s be honest, alcohol would just make me act more like a lunatic (see Just Stop Talking).

With my lovely gift of PMDD I’m used to heightened anxiety and feelings of self-loathing once a month, but when it stretched on for weeks I knew something was wrong. My demons had been stirring – trying to get out and break my spirit and I would say that they succeeded because I’m broken today. I’m not in need of an oil change, but like a whole new engine at this point. I noticed it last night when I was out with some friends. I sat there not feeling like myself. Even staring off a bit. ‘Fake it till you make it’.

Where did this come from?

There has been a bit of stress I can attribute this to. As I always say big Italian families are great and blended families are a true testament of patience and love, but that doesn’t mean it all runs smoothly like a well-oiled machine. There have been a number of instances in the last month which have had me questioning my entire being; which have brought on those old feelings of me wanting to flee. Only this time I wanted to take the Chiquita and just run.

Out of respect for my loved ones I can’t share the details but being the sensitive soul that I am I’ve been crushed, and I’m struggling to overcome the fear, hurt and anger. Never being one who is good at letting things go here it has festered inside me until I finally cracked this morning.

Looking at my innocent and happy daughter I thought she doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve me. I made that horrible call to my doctor to say that something is wrong and that I’m not getting better. I feel like a failure, but this doesn’t just hurt me now. I have an innocent child to protect and love. We raised my medication slightly. I guess just so I can get myself back on track, which I will. I’ve had a lot of hurt in my life but I’m not going to let it bring me down. We all have something and this is the battle God gave me to fight.

Why am I sharing this today?

After the Post Partum Depression I was honestly sick of myself so I can only imagine how my loved ones felt. Scared, frustrated, annoyed, worried? The old-age “Why can’t she just be happy?” After a bit of that judgment I decided to suffer in silence. I knew what I needed to do, and I would do it. Without everyone’s opinions.

Today I realized why I haven’t been writing.

I haven’t been writing because I didn’t want to lie to my readers. I wanted to share this with you in case another mom is out there struggling. Or not even a mom – just anyone who may be out there struggling. Please stay strong as I am and know that this too shall pass.

17 thoughts on “A Letter to My Readers

  1. Your writing is so beautiful. And real. You are one of my favourite places to visit when I have a moment to spare. Thank you for writing from the heart. Whether it be happy or sad, it strikes a chord with me. Thank you for helping all of us out here feel ‘normal’. Much love to you from me x

  2. What I love about your blog, your writing, and you is that no matter what, you’re always honest. So whether you post humorous, off-the-wall stories, or candid, soul bearing stories (like this), I’ll always keep coming back for more!

    Hope you doing a little better. Remember, you’re awesome!

  3. Oh Hon, I just got teary-eyed reading this. I have been battling depression most of my life. I never had the courage to blog about it because everyone pretty much expects me to be humorous 24/7 on my site. That’s one of the reasons I don’t blog daily or weekly–I just can’t force the funny. I’ve tried various medications but never had much success with that, so I try to deal with it on my own.Blogging actually helps, but I do keep a journal of “dark poetry” that most of my readers would probably be shocked by if they ever read. Fortunately, my husband is an optimist, despite some of the bad stuff we have been through over the years, and he does his best to pull me through it. But yes, I often get that “fight or flight” syndrome where I just want to leave or at least to be by myself. Depression is a soul-sucking malady and I just wish there was some magic cure, but there isn’t; we just have to take it one day at a time and pray that tomorrow will be better. Thank you so much for baring your soul like this—it helps to know I (and many others out there) are not alone!

    1. I love your blog too, Menopausalmother – and I love the funny. But I think knowing the woman behind the funny is wonderful too, that’s why I’ve really enjoyed your awards blogs! I blogged a ‘sad’ blog recently. It just poured out of me and I clicked publish before I had chance to doubt and think ‘better’ of it. The response was overwhelming and touching. Being funny 24/7 is exhausting.

  4. Hey Girl. While I can’t say I know what you’re going through, I do go through periods of really just wanting to be left alone, and feeling quite anti-social. Some may even call me cranky. My cranky thoughts seem to come out in my writing, haha, so I know that does help.

    Hang in there. I know you’ve said you’ve gone through dark periods before, and I admire your honesty about that. You will once again have a reason to smile. Maybe even tomorrow!

    I never went through post-partum depression, well maybe for a day or two, but that’s it. But I did get a form of rheumatoid arthritis after my 2nd child. It’s amazing what pregnancy can trigger that you never had before. It was bad, and that made me depressed. The best you can do is surround yourself with good doctors, good med’s, and people who “get” you. And know that things will get better!

  5. Girl…I hate that you feel this way:( I can’t even imagine how overwhelming it must be. I can relate on some level as I have been challenged these past few weeks…the devastation here at the shore while trying to balance a newborn, toddler and work….sometimes it is just to much and I have to run to the bathroom and just SCREAM. You are SO not alone ..and although I don’t suffer from PPD, I can completely relate to your feelings and I think many moms can. You deserve every bit of your daughter, and you are a wonderful mom for taking all the right steps to get yourself better. How brave of you to share and thinking of you! C

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