I laid in bed at 3 am thinking about this post and wondering exactly what I was going to share. I wanted the post to be upbeat because I went to bed telling myself I was turning over a new leaf, making some much-needed changes after the last month caused my life to spiral out of control.
I already have some big changes on the horizon. I hate change. I’m not sure that anyone really loves change, but I truly despise change. Change gives me anxiety. I need things to just mosey on along…it’s not to say that I’m boring…I just can’t deal with a lot of uncertainty.
I like my routine. Sure I kick back on the weekends, but I’m kicking back with my family and my friends and in my home in the town I grew up in. Let’s just say I’m not usually a fly by the seat of my pants type of girl…in Mexico with cocktails maybe.
Yesterday I got the rug pulled out from under me in a change I never saw coming. I had an inkling something was going on, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. When I was given the news I can tell you I never in a million years expected to hear the words I heard.
I would have believed his words … “by the way I’m pregnant” … or gay … or in love with you before I would have ever expected what I actually heard.
I was completely shocked.
I was hurt.
I was angry.
Between these two life-altering changes I sat stunned thinking how life as I know it would never be the same. My world was falling apart in front of my very eyes.
And then I burst into tears.
I had a breakdown.
A complete breakdown.
I needed to escape. With black mascara running down my face and red swollen eyes I escaped the only way I know how. I mean other than running off to Vegas to perform in Peep Show, like I once said here.
I escaped to the bottle. I drank and drank and watched Bridesmaids and drank some more and tweeted a bunch of ridiculous crap including telling Donald Trump that just the name Anthony Weiner alone makes me laugh.
Thankfully before pulling an Amanda Bynes I passed out but not before telling my therapist that Botox would fix everything.
I’m not sure if I thought I would wake up and life would have magically returned to the way it was before, a month ago, when I was happy and calm and life was good.
Instead I just woke up with ass breath and a headache. My insides still ached as much as before.
I decided on a long walk thinking the sunlight and breezy air may calm my heightened anxiety. And I lost it again. I felt lost myself despite having walked this path so many times.
I walked to the train station and sat to watch the trains pass by. I thought about the passengers on those trains. Were they happy? Sad? Were they lost like me?
For two seconds I felt this urge to jump in front of the train. As it drove by big and loud and windy I thought ‘what if I actually jumped?’
I think I felt God there with me. Despite feeling abandoned by Him I felt his hand on my shoulder; watching me, calming me.
I started to scold myself – sure your life is completely falling apart, sure it will never be the same, but there is one person who will fall apart without you. My kid. It is my job to protect her and keep her safe. I can’t have this kid growing up thinking I wasn’t strong enough and brave enough and that I left her.
Get it together! I yelled at myself in my head. No, I wasn’t a crazy bum sitting at the train station yelling at myself though I’m sure I looked the part.
It’s a PMDD week so certainly all my feelings are exasperated this week, and I am struggling to deal with feelings of loss, abandonment, uncertainty and fear. For the last month I’ve been using Cabernet as a coping mechanism. I was like, Oh, it’s OK, that’s what Brandi Glanville did. #celebrityadvice
Obviously it hasn’t helped.
I finished my long walk thinking about some changes I need to make:
1. Focus on Eva
2. Be nice to myself
3. Continue running
4. Stop the negative thinking
5. Stop drinking (for now)*
I’m strong, independent and perfectly capable of getting through the hard times with hopes of good on the other side. And even though I’m not capable – right now – of seeing the bigger picture I don’t need to drown myself in red wine (for now)*.
God is strengthening me, and I don’t know why, but there is a why and I will continue to believe. I have put my faith in God because that’s all I have left.
*Don’t worry, I’m not going all sober on you guys…just for now while I get through some tough times ahead. I promise there will be more drinking and tweeting. 😀