Lighten Up: Day 5

I haven’t written a Lighten Up post for a while. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it, I have, it’s just that I haven’t really felt like doing it. If this is the first you’re reading of my Lighten Up series please check out the first post here.

I’ve been meaning to let you all know I discovered The Culprit of the Lighten Up box. I always had an inkling of who it was but was never 100% certain. If you recall my initial post on receiving the Lighten Up box was quite negative.

Let’s be honest. I was really fucking pissed. But, I got over it, like I always do.

Anyways, I did not actually discover The Culprit, The Culprit actually came clean to me. Here we were two adults hugging with tears in our eyes in the middle of a sporting event while The Culprit explained the reasons behind this “gift” and actually had felt quite bad by my negative reaction. That sort of hurt my heart. But, as I said, I had gotten over it. And I was over it well before The Culprit came clean.

What’s cool though is that The Culprit and I went through a rough patch. And it felt – to me – that this “gift” was a new step forward in our relationship. It was letting go of the past and looking to the future. It was saying I love you when maybe that was hard to say.

Side note: The other funny thing is that The Culprit did admit to finding the Lighten Up box on Pinterest…haha if you read the Lighten Up post rant (If not read here).

This morning I had received a text message from The Culprit wanting to stop by my office to drop something off. The Culprit came by with the dog and a balloon wearing a Sox t-shirt. (You know I’m a Cubs fan!)

“You brought me a balloon?”

The Cuprit handed me the balloon and a Sharpie. “Write it down and let it go. Just let it go, Jen.” The Culprit told me.

I feel like I honestly stood there like a moron. The Culprit sounded a bit choked up, and I was honestly so taken aback I kind of just stood there in shock. Like The Culprit came to my work to bring me this? But The Culprit knows I’ve been struggling. The Culprit knows there are days I want to give up, days I want to cry and days I wonder where it all went wrong. The Culprit was encouraging me to remember this “gift”, our shared gift of hope and positivity.

I gave The Culprit a huge hug. I’m not a good hugger. I like my personal space. But The Culprit needed to feel my thanks since I obviously wasn’t expressing it with the blank look on my face.

So what happened?

I wrote on my balloon and did not share my message with anyone else. I went to a place that I find solace in.

As I stood there holding my balloon with the wind blowing and the sun beating down on me I suddenly got really scared. What if I let go of the balloon and it gets stuck in a tree? That would be a real downer!!! I had really bad anxiety and felt like I could not let go of the balloon. It is my balloon. My inner thoughts and fears. I can’t just let this go up into the sky?!

I took a deep breath. Looked at the clouds and let the balloon go. For a few seconds I felt really stupid. But then I just started laughing. I watched the balloon fly high, high, higher into the sky and imagined my worries floating away with it.

I did it, I thought. Yea, I felt like a total dork, but I still did it. What a therapeutic feeling! 😀

Here are some pics:

lighten up 1

jlees blog

jlees blog