It’s Crazy I’m Not Crazy

Boy have I missed you. Like really missed you. I shut the blog down on August 20th (see my last post here) because of an upcoming legal battle. I go to court one month from Monday (October 16th) .

I can’t tell you the stress and anxiety that I feel on a daily basis. I can’t tell you what not writing has done to me. Pick your favorite thing to do – your therapy so to speak – and stop it. Tell me how you feel.

Writing is a true joy in my life. Someone once asked me what are my two favorite things in life. Not counting like your family or your children but just two things that bring you immense joy. My friend’s two favorite things are running and sex.

I thought shit, what are mine? I later decided mine are writing and coffee. I truly love both. Are you surprised I didn’t say wine?

A writer wants you to read their work. Since I took the blog down I’ve been journaling. Journaling is great, and I highly recommend it (especially if you suffer from anxiety and depression). It is a great outlet for people with “busy” minds.

But something about the blog and the connection I have with you – my readers and friends – makes it all different. I know any old Joe can spew a bunch of crap on the internet and have a blog, and I do at times worry if that is me. But I have to believe that I have a talent with this writing thing because when I write is when I come alive. I feel safe and whole. I feel happy and free. I feel like me.

Feeling Free - Jlee's Blog

So in short not having the blog has really sucked. What I am going through right now is hard enough and not being able to share myself during this time has really sucked. The life has truly been sucked from me and I’m trying to find my way to happiness.

One thing I’m rather excited to share is the state of my mentalness. I don’t think mentalness is a word. But, I really don’t think positivity is a word either, but somehow it has entered the English language.

I’ve built this blog on my craziness…the fact that I’m a crazy Italian girl from a crazy family. I know that ‘crazy’ is not something to make fun of, and I guess for me to cope with my anxiety and depression I just sort of “make fun” of myself…

Once I heard a radio DJ (remember DreX formerly from Kiss FM?) say: The hot ones are always insane.

So I sort of ran with it…not like I’m so hot lol but just … yeah, I’m crazy…I’m hot…I’m insane…and we’ll throw Italian in there, too, since I have that fiery temper!

But since I’ve spent three years in very intense therapy – not just going to a counselor to vent – but to truly learn coping mechanisms and learn about myself and how to help myself be the best I can be despite my past, my post partum depression, my mistakes and fears…I needed to find a way to accept my life – myself – and move forward.

While I still attend therapy for maintenance I know there are truly mentally ill people in the world, and I feel for them. With the manageable anxiety and depression I suffer from with my PMDD I know it is sometimes an uphill battle yet I am definitely able to cope and find happiness. Some people sadly aren’t.

What I’ve learned through this shit whore of an ordeal I’ve been going through is that I am not in fact crazy! Omg!

Yes, yes, I will repeat. I AM NOT CRAZY!

Sure I have bouts of crazy. Especially during a PMDD week, so don’t worry, I definitely won’t become suddenly “normal”. But what I’ve experienced in this time of silence is some real whack-a-doodle shit. And it ain’t coming from me.

Tell me, what are your two favorite things?

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