Writing is a very personal thing. It leaves you feeling very vulnerable. I might as well stand here and show you myself naked. At least if I’m naked the hurtful words you can say are I’m not skinny enough, or pretty enough, or my boobs this or my belly that.
But, writing, my words, it’s like sharing a piece of my soul with you and it’s not something I’m sure I want to continue to share.
I love reaching out to my readers and I love writing my words, but the truth is this blog has hurt me more than it’s helped me.
I’m not blaming the blog for not selling it, I’m blaming myself. But not only has this blog not helped me to succeed in my ultimate goal but it’s actually hurt me along the way…it’s hurt me when I was Post Patum – when I felt unsure and insecure and the blog did not leaving me feeling loved.
And it’s hurt me now. When I’m trying to prove that I’m a good and loving mom. When I’m trying to show I’m a human being who makes mistakes yet I continue to try every day…I continue to try to strive for excellence despite the hills and valleys in front of me. But I’m not left feeling very supported.
My other goal for writing this blog was to at least share a piece of myself that may help other moms who suffer from anxiety, who strive for perfection every day only to end the day in failure, because it is not possible to be perfect in our own eyes, people who suffer from the insecurity of … am I enough? Do I do enough? What could I do to be more … to be better… for myself…for my child?
These thoughts will lead you to failure. These thoughts are toxic. I wanted to tell these people that they aren’t alone. That I’m one of you. And obviously I’m failing at that. All I’m actually doing is convincing other people that I’m incapable…and emotional…and who knows whatever other thoughts go through these people’s “perfect” minds. The people who are also pretending to be perfect….who judge and make you feel like less of a person.
It is for this purpose that I’m starting to wonder why I write and share a piece of myself with people I don’t even know? I don’t feel like I’m succeeding at writing the blog and the blog is hurting me. So why am I continuing to put myself out there? Why do I stand naked in front of thousands or millions of people to read my own words and thoughts?
That is a question only I can answer, and one which I will continue to ponder during my “off” blog time. Maybe it will pass…and if it doesn’t I will provide you with a proper farewell.
I hate to say it but I am enjoying having a bit of mysteriousness at the moment. Being one who wears my emotions on my sleeve it’s been nice keeping to myself for once.…but I do miss you all.
Time will tell what will be of Jlee’s Blog. But I do thank you for being loyal readers and supporters. xx