I’m sure you are all looking for some kind of an update on me and what’s been going on since I shut the blog down. Or maybe you’re not and I’m just being presumptuous. But, I figure I do owe you some sort of an explanation. If you’ve followed my blog since the beginning you know Jlee’s Blog – and myself – have gone through many changes. I would like to think I’ve grown up quite a bit since having the Chiquita and struggling with post partum depression. I would like to think that I’m a smarter, nicer, funnier person.
But I definitely know that I’m a better mom. I remember for the first year of the Chiquita’s life I felt like I was the worst mother. I was constantly questioning myself at every turn. Now I am confident in my parenting and confident that I’m raising an amazing kid.
What I am not confident about, however, is my relationship skills. So during that turbulent time my husband (now ex) and I were going through a divorce. I won’t comment on it to protect his privacy, but I will say it was a very difficult time. For both of us. I will say that the divorce wasn’t without love (most of the time). It was just one of those things where we couldn’t make it work. As a child of divorce I’ve been devastated about it, but I feel confident in the decision that my ex and I made.
That said, there were problems here and there and the D did drag on longer than expected. There of course was anger, resentment, tears…all the usual stuff that I imagine goes along with a D, or at least did in my case.
So then I shut down for a while. Who wants to talk about getting a divorce? Who wants to say they failed at something as important as marriage? Who wants to wonder if people are thinking, “Oh another divorced couple” or worse, “I knew they’d get divorced someday.”
Maybe after blabbing about my post partum depression to everyone under the sun I just wanted to keep “this” failure – as I saw it – to myself. I shared my struggles and fears with few. Unless wine was involved. Then I probably said more than intended though I don’t remember.
During this time there was also a work change that was quite traumatic for me at the time. You know, creatures of habit, we don’t like change.
Then my house was on the market – still not sold.
Then the Chiquita started preschool.
Then I had another family catastrophe. If you know what’s going on you know that “catastrophe” doesn’t begin to delineate this nonsense. Side note: I swear someday I’m going to write a book about my family and make millions.
It’s been an exhausting ride to get me to today. I’ve learned some lessons along the way, discovered my strengths, cried myself to sleep and prayed – a lot – and then lost faith and quit praying.
And here I am before you saying this is me.