People often ask me why I don’t write anymore. I always hymn and haw about it …. When the truth of the matter is that telling you my inner most thoughts lets you into my soul. I don’t want anyone in my soul anymore.
I’m shutting down. I have nothing left to give. Why you ask? As if getting a divorce doesn’t completely destroy your life. And to those who say it doesn’t – you obviously didn’t/don’t love your spouse/family, because my divorce fucking devastated the fuck out of me.
Here I am. Almost 4 years later and what do I have to show for it? I don’t have jack shit.
The only – the one and only thing I have – is the love of my daughter. I am a million times a better mom than I would have been had I stayed married. I was so angry and bitter at the end of my marriage and during my divorce that I could see nothing but the hatred.
Now, I feel a lot of sadness, a lot of loss. My daughter fell into my lap yesterday sobbing….why don’t we live together, she hates us apart. Big crocodile tears.
I cried. I wrapped my arms around her. We cried together. I said: “Listen Eva. You are my best friend and you will always be with me.”
She said, “I never wanna leave you mama.”
This is what keeps me from saying good-bye. This is my strength. I’m not going to now – and I’ve always said I never will – get into the specifics with my ex. But it’s not easy. There are trying days and nights and weeks and months.
All I want is for this little girl to grow up without the anxiety and the fear I suffer from. I don’t care if she’s dumb, smart, fat, skinny….all I care about is that she is a kind and happy person.
In moving forward, I think finally about a year ago I felt ready to date again. I mean, yeah, I went out before that, but I’m not getting into specifics here.
Side note: You can look for specifics in my second book – tentatively titled “The Summer of Jen” (if this is not copyrighted by Seinfeld). This memoir will give lots of insight and details into the dates I went on; the jerks, the nice guys, the fun guys, and, of course, the sex I experienced as a single, self reliant and free woman (well free every other weekend).
So…a year ago…I felt ready to date again! Like really date. Like find a good man. Someone I could see a future with. Someone I would want to introduce to my daughter. Someone that I can show the “real” me….the laughter, the fears, the insecurities, the hope and the desolation…something that was more than sex, something that was mutual respect and love.
And now, another year later I’m back in the same place alone.
I’m now more jaded then ever. On top of being single, no one tells you that you lose your friends when you get a divorce, but I’ll tell you the truth. You do. They don’t know how to deal with you. They don’t know what to say or what you’re going through. Or to help.
So, eventually those relationships fade. It bothered me for a long time. But it doesn’t bother me anymore.
Everyone has pain and hardship. I guess they see me going out on kid-free weekends and thinking how great I have it all the while forgetting the Thanksgivings or Christmas Days I’ve spent alone while my daughter was with her dad.
Think for 5 seconds about your life without your child on any important holiday. It’s hard and it still hurts.
I thought maybe forming my own little family would take this loss away. Will it? I don’t know. I don’t know that I care to try anymore.
I do know I’m sick of explaining how I feel and hoping that someone – anyone – gets it. That’s why I don’t write anymore. I’m exhausted of writing and exhausted of my life.