Reflections

It’s been a weird year – full of ups and downs – but I do think I’ve found strength in the insanity. I’ve found strength I didn’t know I have. I’ve always been known to be strong willed and independent, but I am extremely vulnerable and can be easily broken down. I am emotionally weak at times.

This year I’ve put so much faith into trusting my therapy and learning to trust my core – as a mother, a sister, a daughter and a friend. Sadly, I’ve experienced some losses this year, but I am choosing myself, and I’ve spent 2018 choosing myself. I realize this may sound selfish, and I will reflect more on this later.

The beginning of 2018 seems so long ago despite the year completely flying by. I thought I would publish my book this year. I thought I would find love this year. I didn’t think I’d be in the same place I am yet another year later.

But here I am. And you know what? I’m okay with that. In learning to trust my core I’ve found peace. I’ve found acceptance. And I’ve found faith.

There are still times I lose my shit as a single mom and times I’m putting myself down and thinking I should have done better. I “should have” acted this way or said this. But I’m being kind to myself in the process.

Here’s the thing. We all fuck up. It’s how we handle ourselves after the fuck up. It’s getting up the next day and knowing you will be okay. This too shall pass.

It’s choosing to be okay with letting go of things – relationships – that at this time are causing stress and anxiety. This is choosing me and my happiness. And when I say “me” please know that what will always go along with me is my daughter.

In saying me I am assuming you all to realize I am referring to my daughter and I – but another thing I’ve learned this year is you can’t assume anything. (Take a look at The Four Agreements. It’s such an enlightening book and a quick read).

So back to choosing myself in 2018. I have simply walked away from that which doesn’t make me feel good. My entire purpose in life is raising a happy, healthy and well-adjusted child. And then finally publishing my book.

I have spent the latter part of 2018 focusing on supporting my daughter’s successes; building up her failures and teaching us to both find peace within ourselves. I’ve taken up boxing which it turns out has been very therapeutic to me.

Who knew beating the shit out of bags a few times a week would allow me to not get (as) angry with the person at Jewel with 20 items in their cart in the 15 items & under line? I’m showing them grace.

One thing I continue to struggle with is feeling past mistakes hinder me from moving forward. I’ve been extremely mindful in that I’m choosing to look forward instead of back. I’m choosing to live for today, not tomorrow. And I’m choosing to work on acceptance – acceptance of myself and others. Some days I do struggle more than others, but I know to get to tomorrow I have to push through today.

I don’t know if I’m excited for 2019, another year of life passing me by, but I would say that I’m hopeful go into 2019 looking forward and not behind.